Some of the writings of the late Mother Theresa were recently published wherein it was revealed that for years she suffered from doubts and estrangement from God.
Some popular writers, advocates of atheism, were filled with joy at the news: if a champion of faith was secretly a doubter, they said, then the faith of the masses is yet more tenuous. I, a Muslim, am tempted to blame Mother Theresa's crisis on her worship of the Messiah along with God. Had she worshipped God alone, I would like argue, she would have been fulfilled.
Both reactions miss something about the nature of belief. The truth is that people of all religions report vicissitudes of faith. It is further true that distance from God is painless for the one whose heart is dead: but for the one whose heart is as sensitive as an open wound, for the soul who never recovered from its separation from its Maker, doubt and distance from God is the source of horror and anguish.
Indeed. it is this same despair, this merciful despair, that first wracked the soul as it masqueraded with the ignorant and heedless, as it tried to get by, tried to convince itself that it was like everyone else, while it knew something was wrong. It was this same despair that impelled it to ask itself, "Is this really me?", to answer honestly that it was not, and then to seek its way home to God.
So while doubt and estrangement from God are not things to be desired, they are signs of life in the heart. They are also part of our nature. The Qur'an speaks of Abraham, Moses, and then Disciples of Jesus seeking of God signs from heaven - not because they did not believe, but because they wanted comfort for their hearts. When the Prophet Muhammad first received the revelation, he doubted his sanity, and his Lord, and his wife, comforted him. The Companions of the Prophet complained of whispers of doubt that came to them, and he prescribed words of remembrance that would restore certainty to their hearts.
The one who views this aspect of faith as proof that faith is a delusion does not know what faith is. The purpose of our existence is to struggle to penetrate the physical world that distracts and blinds us, to discover the truth, a truth confirmed by signs from without and intuitions from within but a truth nevertheless unseen. The worshiper stumbles because the struggle is hard and there can be no complete victory in this life, not because, as the skeptic imagines, there is no underlying unseen truth.
As to recovering from these stumbles, "Truly in the remembrance of God the hearts find comfort." And in a beautiful passage: "Verily in the creation of the heavens and earth and the alteration of night and day there are indeed signs for men of understanding, Those who remember God, standing, sitting, and lying down on their sides, and contemplate the Creation in the heavens and the earth: 'Our Lord! You did not create all this to no purpose! Exalted be you! Give us salvation from the penalty of the fire!'"
And the Prophet said to his Companions about these verses: "Woe to the one who reads it and does not contemplate on it."
The reality further comes clear when on reflects on what the skeptics ask us to believe in the alternatives: that there is no soul, that life and the universe have no meaning, that there is no purpose. This is the creed of the living dead.
In reality, a man or woman with insight and awareness knows with an impervious surety that he has an immortal soul, that life has meaning, that there is a purpose. It is on this unshakable foundation that his faith is based, a home to which he may always return. It is not our belief, it is our being.
And further searching within himself and in the creation he will know that God is one, the merciful and all powerful sustainer. He will become aware of his desire to draw nearer to God, and he will realize he needs guidance to do so. God in His mercy must have put this guidance on earth where we could find it; the matter could not be otherwise. "We will show them Our signs in the (furthest) regions (of the earth) and in their own souls, until it becomes manifest to them that this is the Truth."
And the believer should not let the behavior and stupidity of his supposed fellow believers or others discourage him. This is because reality is completely unaffected by the failure of others, even your own failure, to grasp it. The earth was round even when most of humanity thought it was flat. Likewise, God's oneness and lordship is not diminished even if Arabs are building islands shaped like palm trees or Iraqis are killing each other, or if no one understands you.
So if something in Mother Theresa's plight sounds familiar, then know your heart is alive, and that your soul seeks God. Find Him in contemplation of His creation and yourself. Rediscover and rebuild your faith, brick by brick, certain knowledge upon certain knowledge, and seek comfort in prayer, for, as ibn Taymiyya wrote, "There is no tranquility in this world except in remembrance of Him."
Ismail Royer is an American convert to Islam, a writer and an activist. Currently he is serving a 20 year prison sentence and is being held as a political prisoner of the US government for supposedly aiding terrorism against "a nuetral ally of the US," being India.
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