A Poem by
Samina Farooq

30 Days of Reincarnation

I crawled, I walked, and then I ran,
But I stumbled before the flight began,

So I dragged myself on the runway to fly
As I felt the angel in me slowly die

I sinned and I repented and again I sinned,
Smothering in all the regrets I'd lived

I followed every Iblees - I fed his greed
I crossed the boundaries 'til I wasn't even me

My spirit so restless, now trying to escape,
All through this nightmare I've been awake

The burden of it all, gravity couldn't defy
And I waved the angel in me goodbye

I bathed in my sins, to an ebony heart
But now is the time that I want a new start

Sunshine has been sucked out of my life;
I am alive yet dead inside

My head betrayed my heart, a head deceived by thoughts,
My soul was filled with endless dots

So I dug a bit more, I searched the depth of my soul
I found the answer there, so I searched no more

The month of mercy has knocked at my door
And I'm now ready to open all four-

Tawheed, Salah, Sawm and Zakaat
To shed the darkness, tearing it apart

Let the light peek through holes
Let goose bumps fill me whole

I stare at the clock as it steals my time,
Cut its hands as it commits that crime

I shouldn't say soon, I should say now-
Tomorrow is too late for me to bow

30 days are all I have, the clock won't tick slow
I shall always reap what I always sow

So I burn all the bridges to not go back
Back to the shame, back to the wreck

I found peace when I bowed down to Him
To set my worth there, I don't need wings

The weathers may change, life may move around
I wouldn't want to fly because I like the ground

Angels don't have free-will like mine
They only follow the commandments divine

Over angels, Allah gave Adam supremacy
He repented but I couldn't continue the legacy

I don't need to be an angel- I need to be me
All I need is a heart set free

Free for The One Who deserves the most
To Him my free-will is now sold

I'm glad the realization hit me swift
Before I could drown myself in countless sins

I won't get up 'til You pardon every wrong deed
O Merciful, another chance is all I need

I will try my best to be my best
This tired soul now needs a rest

Please help me repair my damaged heart
Sorry, I couldn't keep your treasure unharmed

Exhausted by my own sins, I plead to You,
Set me free from the burden I grew

I can't lift it anymore, it's burying me six feet deep
How will I walk towards You, carrying this heap

So before my breath leaves my lips
Forgive me, My Rabb, I don't deserve it

Tears came streaming down my face
As I realized I was pulled from the haze

*****

Samina Farooq is the Co-founder of AYEINA (www.ayeina.com) and Co-creator of the #AlhamdulillahForSeries – A gratitude journal for Muslims. She's an engineer by qualification, a Quran and Arabic-language student by occupation, a photographer by eye, a writer by heart, an artist by nature and a Muslim by soul. A mum of one is currently studying Intensive Arabic Program from Islamic Online University while also following Bayyinah institute's 'Arabic with Husna' classes, one baby step at a time.