polygamy.........????????

Assalamu Alaikum,

"It is his duty to deal fairly with division of wealth and time, but happiness - impossible."

If that is truely the case, as you have stated brother, does it not go against what Islam teaches us in doing all that is possible to please your spouse? Is it fair to be able to crush the happiness of a first wife for no apparent reason in taking a second wife?

I understand that there are certain instances where a polygamous marriage is convenient and beneficial to those involved, and it is in those instances that I advocate them as Islam allows. But when in this day, there is really no great 'need' for more than one wife especially when there is absolutely nothing wrong with the first, I find it hard to swallow that it should happen. It can been seen as having your cake and eating it too.

My main concern is the seeming lack of regard for the feelings and emotions of the first wife. It is earth shattering when you do all you can to please your husband in every way possible, then he turns around and says 'Oh honey, Im thinking about getting myself another wife'. Walah I have the highest respect for those Muslimahs out there that get through it, they are usually much stronger in faith and have greater sabr through the trial that they face.

If, like most generally 'unfounded' needs to get a second wife, the reason is an untamed sexual desire (forgive my bluntness), and to prevent committing adultery, is it not kinder to his wife if the husband tries harder to focus on his Iman, not only for the sake of Allah (swt) but for her sake?

Either way its a difficult choice both to make and accept. I'm not totally against polygamy, but I do believe there is a time and place for it.

A greater teaching of how men can be better husbands to one wife needs to be spread before the teaching of polygamy as an option is sought out. In all this, the feelings of the first wife must surely count for something!

Thats my two cents for now, its early morning so I don't know if I have been coherent, may Allah (swt) forgive me for anything that I have said incorrectly.

Salam

Dear Iman,

I really don't think you will find any "proofs" that say your husband needs your permission to marry another wife.  It is more a matter of his character.  Surely this is a trial for you both.  Allah will judge both of your actions when the Final Day arrives.  Be strong in your faith, pray to Allah for courage and strength to get through this trial.

I look at it this way: if your husband has no good or honourable reason for taking a second wife, but goes ahead anyway against your objections, all the blame is on him in Allah's eyes.

If you, on the other hand, keep your faith strong, treat your husband with kindness and respect, and be the best mother and wife you can be, all the grace and mercy of Allah must surely be on you.

This life is a trial, dear Iman, it isn't always easy, and can even be quite horrible.  However, try to keep in mind that the life you have is a gift from Allah, to show Him how you can be the best submitter to His will.  This life is fleeting and the next life, the afterlife, is the one that will remain for eternity, Allah willing.

Let's face it, all the honourable scholars are male.  Perhaps female scholars would have something different to say about polygamy.  Only Allah knows!  As it is, men will and can find many excuses to marry more than one wife.  Allah knows what is in the hearts and minds of all people, He is the best of judges.

(And please, before I get posts saying I must respect the scholars, I do!  I am only saying that they look at things from a male perspective!)

Perhaps this is not helpful at all, but I hope you can draw some small comfort in knowing that being the best Muslim you can be is the best course for you (or any one of us).  Yes, life can be trying, but think of the big picture and of who will look best on the Judgement Day, perhaps that will bring you a small joy to hold in your heart.

Most of all, keep in mind your children.  Try to do what is best for them.  Divorce is always a last option, but is the most dispicable of what is allowed by Allah.  Children need a stable, loving home with parents that love and protect them.

I pray that Allah grants you much courage and strength as well as great patience to endure what lies ahead.  Keep in touch so we know how things are going, dear!

Peace, ummziba.

Assalamu Alaikum,

Ameen, Ummziba, MashaAllah your words are laden with wisdom.

Great advice for us all is contained within what you said.

May Allah (swt) bless us all in this life and the next!

Salam

Hello Iman,

It sounds like your husband has become more "religious" lately.  Perhaps things will be O.K.  Keep talking to him about Islam and Allah.  Don't think about revenge for what he has already done, dear.  Revenge may feel good at the time, but really, it will only hurt your own soul.

If he brings up the idea of another wife again, let him know, repsectfully, that you are against it and why.  Don't get mad or talk with disrespect.  Maybe, Allah willing, the two of you might be able to work this out.  I sure hope so.  My best to you and may Allah help you both see the right way through this.

Peace, ummziba.