Hey Sister Iman..

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  However, on this topic, all I know is that Ur husband cannot marry a 2nd wife unless you being his wife is not happy with this decision.  In order to satisfy his wants, he needs to satisfy you first.. in other words.. he needs you to be in this 100% to do so, or as what I gather.. this is hurting your feelings ='s Haram (forbidden).

I'm sure I have read about this in the section about marriage rules in the Qur'an.  God forgive me if I have said it wrong.. but i'm sure it is in there somewhere.

All the Best Sister

Khuda Hafiz

Iman,

I am also very sorry to hear about your situation.  Is polygamy permited in the country in which you live?  If not, your husband cannot break the law of his country of residence.

You can go to http://www.islamonline.net - www.islamonline.net and click on "Fatwa Bank" in the right hand column.  Then type in "marrying a second wife" in the search bar.  There are a few rulings there that may or may not help you.

May Allah give you courage and patience to deal with this trial.

Peace, ummziba.

Es_Selam'un Aleykumve Rahmetullahi ve Berakatuh Sister,

 Sister,i can understand your feelings,i have some high quality books about the issue,please take a look at them,wish you the best...islam's right will not be someone's(muslim's) unhappiness...something should be wrong inside of us,we should work on the Qur'an about the issue with all it's sides...

 Dr.Badawi : http://www.al-islamforall.org/litre/englitre/Polygainis.htm - http://www.al-islamforall.org/litre/englitre/Polygainis.htm  

Purdah/Veil,Status of women in Islam: http://www.al-islamforall.org/Wmnfam/islr.asp - http://www.al-islamforall.org/Wmnfam/islr.asp

abuayisha wrote: http://www.polyganyfirstwife.com/ - http://www.polyganyfirstwife.com/

 Es_Selam'un Aleykum ve Rahmetullahi ve Berakatuh,

 Subhan'Allah;half and hour ago i have read sister's message and thought about finding the name of this site which you have conducted us at the old forum and i did not remember,i was thinking on asking you the name of it then you came...so much Jazak Allah Khair brother Abuyaisha...

 Sister,please work on this site which is differently taking the issue than the others and trying to repairing the senses,giving the morals...don't miss that site...

look brother, i open the web al-islamforall but i dont know where to go next. i did search for poligamy but no luck. iman

iman wrote: look brother, i open the web al-islamforall but i dont know where to go next. i did search for polygamy but no luck. iman

 Sister,first of all be sure that you have an big family inside the board and i believe no one will leave you lonely...

 Please click on the link i have conducted to you also including brother Abuyaisha's link...no need to opening the site;just click on then you will see the title menu for the purdah book;the other is full clear in the page...Wa Salaam....

iman wrote: salams ummziba, thanx for your msg. right now we are living in yemen, thats why my husband wants to do it more, cose here its a normal thing.

As Salaam Alaikum,

I am happy for your husband and wish him good luck in his life. I hope you soon learn to adjust after he marries for the second time.

Zaman

Ouch Zaman!  That seems a little cold.  Perhaps the sister could use a bit more compassion to deal with something that is truly bothering her!

Iman: 

From everything I have read, it seems that, unless you made 'no other marriages' a part of your Islamic marriage contract, your husband can go ahead.  However, he should be cautioned that people shouldn't marry more than one wife for anything less than honourable intentions and honourable reasons.

As well, he should consider that he must absolutely treat all wives equally.  Is he able to do this financially, emotionally, sexually, time wise, and so on and so forth?  Can he provide separate and equal houses, furniture, appliances, cars, and everything else that goes into a nice home?  Have a heartfelt talk with him about his feelings on this and yours.  It is not Islamic to purposely hurt someone else.

Also, has he considered that he won't be able to move to any country where polygamy is illegal?

I will pray for you sister, and may Allah provide a good outcome to your troubles.

Peace, ummziba.

salams ummziba, thanx for your msg, i really need them. right now everthng is quite nothing happen yet btu i feel will be soon. he thinks he can do all wat u said. olso some1 has told my husband that you dont need a reason to get married 2nd. so he thinks so. even thow he is happy with me , he has no complain abotu me but he still wants to. no one can understand. every1 tells him not to do this as he has a beautiful family. but lets see.

thanx again, writte to me when u get a min....i will like if some1 can forward him islamic stuf about this. if u want let me know i can give u my emal add.

love iman

Iman,

Here is a fatwa from http://www.islamonline - www.islamonline that states the Islamic stance on polygamy.  If I find any more useful ones I will post them.

*******

Dear brother in Islam, we commend your keenness on getting your self well-acquainted with Islam and its teachings, and also appreciate your keenness to teach others about the true nature of Islam, which is the way Allah has chosen for the welfare of His servants.

Islam is a way of life consonant with nature, providing human solutions to complex situations and avoiding extremes. This characteristic of Islam can be observed most clearly in its stand concerning the taking of more than one wife. Islam permits the Muslim to marry more than one woman in order to resolve some very pressing human problems, individual as well as social.

In his answer to the question in point, the eminent Muslim scholar, Sheikh Muhammad Al-Hanooti, member of the North American Fiqh Council, states:

"First, understanding Islam is based on wahy (revelation) rather than reason. The principle of reason is used to further understand the wahy but not to judge or rule.

Second, the majority of Prophets were married to many wives, whereas they are considered the models for humanity for every sort of activity or style of life.

Third, in reality, you can hardly find one Muslim out of tens-of-thousands who is married to more than one wife. But, he cannot have affairs or dating with any woman. In non-Muslim societies, more than 65% of married men have affairs with more than 2, 3 or 4 women. There are more than 45% of women who have affairs the same way outside of marriage. All these practices are correct for the people of reason. They admit any zina (fornication/adultery) but they don't admit any alternative for keeping people in cleanliness and pure solutions.

Fourth, if you want a woman to marry more than one man, this is not the only misconception we hear from people who allege they are people of reason and intellect. But I don�t need to make any comment other than saying this question is answered by what Allah, the Creator, has made of laws. He knows the best what is convenient and what is inconvenient for man or woman."

For further elaboration on why Islam does not allow a woman to marry more than husband at one time, you are advised to read: http://www.islam-online.net/fatwa/english/FatwaDisplay.asp?hFatwaID=52736 - Between Polygyny and Polyandry

Shedding more light on why Islam allows polygamy, the European Council for Fatwa and Research issued the following Fatwa:

"Prior to Islam, men used to marry as many women as they wished without any limits nor conditions. When Islam was revealed, it prescribed a limit to the number of women one may marry and also placed conditions for this to take place.

As for the limit, Islam prescribed that the maximum number of women a man can marry is four, as stated in the Qur'an: "Marry women of your choice, two or three or four�" (An-Nisa': 3)

As for the condition, it is the confidence of the man that he can actually be totally just and fair between his wives, otherwise he is not allowed to re-marry. The Qur'an stated: "�but if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one�" (An-Nisa': 3) In addition, the other conditions of any marriage must also be present, such as the ability to provide for the family and the ability to satisfy the sexual needs of the woman.

The reason for the allowance for a man to marry more than one woman is because Islam is a realistic religion and one which is not based upon idealistic notions which would cause real problems of everyday life without solution or treatment. It is very probable that a man marrying a second wife could be solving a problem, in that his first wife is incapable of bearing children or has extended menstruation cycles which result in his sexual needs being unsatisfied. The first wife could be ill and thus, instead of divorcing her and leaving her alone, could marry a second wife and remain next to his first wife, and so on. This allowance also solves the problem of a widow who needs a husband to care for her but does not wish for an unmarried young man, similar to a divorced woman with children. Indeed this allowance may solve a social problem which arises from the high proportion of good women who want to marry in comparison to able men. This is a common problem which increases particularly in the aftermath of wars and the like. The fact, in this case, is that the extra women do one of three following options:

1) That they remain unmarried for the rest of their lives, and are thus deprived from being a wife and a mother, which is a great injustice.
2) That they fulfill their sexual needs regardless of decrees of religion and acceptable behavior, which will result in a tragic loss in this life and the hereafter.
3) That they agree to marry an already married man who is capable of meeting their living and sexual needs and who is confident in his ability to deal fairly and justly between his wives.

As for those who say that this allowance is often abused by some men, it is an unfortunate fact that many rights are abused or are used in inappropriate manners. This does not mean that we must cancel these rights. Indeed, there are many men who abuse their first and only wives, so does this lead us to cancel marriage in its entirety?

Freedoms are often abused. Should we cancel freedoms? We see that states and governments abuse elections; would it be right to cancel these processes? In fact we find that authority and government is frequently abused, so would it be acceptable to cancel authority and let society decline into a state of chaos? It would be better, instead of calling for the cancellation of these rights, to set up boundaries and regulations which would limit the possibility of such rights being abused."

Excerpted, with slight modifications, from: http://www.ecfr.org

Allah Almighty knows best.

*******

Peace, ummziba.

Iman,

Try this web site: http://www.themodernreligion.com - http://www.themodernreligion.com .  On the title page is a search bar powered by google.  Type in polygamy, click the search button.  About 38 articles on the topic will come up.  I hope this is helpful!  I will remember you in my prayers.

Peace, ummziba.

"In non-Muslim societies, more than 65% of married men have affairs with more than 2, 3 or 4 women. There are more than 45% of women who have affairs the same way outside of marriage. All these practices are correct for the people of reason. They admit any zina (fornication/adultery) but they don't admit any alternative for keeping people in cleanliness and pure solutions. "

As Salaam Alaikum,

Can please tell me the source of your information??

Zaman,

The quote comes from a statement by Sheikh Muhammad Al-Hanooti, a member of the North American Fiqh Council.  This is stated in the article copied above.  I do not know where he got the information, as it is not stated in the quote.

Peace, ummziba.

 salam,ummziba thanx for ur webs i will check it inshallah.

 zaman. i know zina its wronge. but what it bothers me is that these man dont think about anythng else just weman. why dont they think how to establish islamic sheriah ( khalifa) first so if they have any problem they have the low to solve it but like this they know they do whatever they want becaouse in the end we dont have a khalifa. do u get me???????? they just want to fuel us by saying     ''oh my iman will be better if i have another wife cose ill not be looking weman again'' all rubish, cose ,man will be strong in iman only if he fears Allah not if he has many weman. anyway they are laying no1 but themselfes.

iman

Iman wrote: cose here its a normal thing. but im from alabania i can exepted so easy as arabs, in albania no1 does poligamy. anyway the web u gave me its not opening. iman

As Salaam Alaikum Iman,

I agree, marrying 2'nd time, won't make your husband stronger in faith.But at least, it won't make him weaker in faith, either. From, what I can understand from your case, your problem is the result of differences in opinion because of culture, that are invitable in intercultural marriages. Judging your husband to be good or bad won't help.

Assalamu Alaikum All,

I would like to convey my sentiments to ZamanH. Problems with culture?? The real issue here is the fact that a sister is being hurt by the unnecessary would-be actions of her husband. Although it is accepted in Islam, there are strict restrictions on marrying more than one woman. If the first wife does not consent, then anyone with a heart will realise that it is very painful to watch the man you love even contemplate marrying another, especially since there is no real valid reason being given.

Like Ummziba has mentioned, your responses seem very cold and dismissive. Not to mention not very helpful with the situation at hand.

Islam allows polygamy, true. A man may marry 4 wives if and only if he has the consent of the first wife and is able to treat each and every one exactly equally.

In this day and age there are very few circumstances that call for the marrying of a second wife. If, as in the case of sister Iman, the husband has no valid reason for wanting/needing a second wife then all he is serving to do is put his wife through emotional turmoil, and this IS the case since sister Iman is not happy with this situation.

Salam.

"A man may marry 4 wives if and only if he has the consent of the first wife.."

Please support this assertion with evidence, that a man must have consent of his wife, prior to taking a second wife. 

Assalamu Alaikum,

Is it not so that the husband must not take another wife if the previous wife/wives are unhappy about it? Since if they are disgruntled how is that in keeping with the husbands duty to keep them all happy?

I must recant if my previous statement is not true, I was under the assumption that the consent was required or could be made a condition of marriage, may Allah (swt) forgive me for what I have stated incorrectly.

Please accept my apologies all!

Salam

"...in keeping with the husbands duty to keep them all happy"

It is his duty to deal fairly with division of wealth and time, but happiness - impossible.

Assalamu Alaikum,

"It is his duty to deal fairly with division of wealth and time, but happiness - impossible."

If that is truely the case, as you have stated brother, does it not go against what Islam teaches us in doing all that is possible to please your spouse? Is it fair to be able to crush the happiness of a first wife for no apparent reason in taking a second wife?

I understand that there are certain instances where a polygamous marriage is convenient and beneficial to those involved, and it is in those instances that I advocate them as Islam allows. But when in this day, there is really no great 'need' for more than one wife especially when there is absolutely nothing wrong with the first, I find it hard to swallow that it should happen. It can been seen as having your cake and eating it too.

My main concern is the seeming lack of regard for the feelings and emotions of the first wife. It is earth shattering when you do all you can to please your husband in every way possible, then he turns around and says 'Oh honey, Im thinking about getting myself another wife'. Walah I have the highest respect for those Muslimahs out there that get through it, they are usually much stronger in faith and have greater sabr through the trial that they face.

If, like most generally 'unfounded' needs to get a second wife, the reason is an untamed sexual desire (forgive my bluntness), and to prevent committing adultery, is it not kinder to his wife if the husband tries harder to focus on his Iman, not only for the sake of Allah (swt) but for her sake?

Either way its a difficult choice both to make and accept. I'm not totally against polygamy, but I do believe there is a time and place for it.

A greater teaching of how men can be better husbands to one wife needs to be spread before the teaching of polygamy as an option is sought out. In all this, the feelings of the first wife must surely count for something!

Thats my two cents for now, its early morning so I don't know if I have been coherent, may Allah (swt) forgive me for anything that I have said incorrectly.

Salam

salam, i red all your msgs & jazakala to all sisters & brothers for taking time & talking about my case. 

''now u said that he needs my Consent to have 2nd wife'' i really need the evedences for this bcose some1 told us that he does not need that &  he does not need to ask me even. but if some1 can find me the proove for this it will be helpful for me inshallah. another thing is that why dont i find some hadith that talks about weman in this case does that mean its not important wat we go throuw? and if i cant do it wat im i sopousd to do? when i think he will marry, i  feel better not to see him as soon as i see him i get upset & in a bad mood.

im sure there is some hadith about it, if u read anythgn please send it to me

i always thought that poligamy is allowd for special cases of marriege so man can be free to enjoi wife & kids. but if everthng is good then i dont get it.

in my case everthng is fine we have 2 beautiful kids alhamdulilah, he is happy with me for everthng. so why?????????he sais he loves me & he does not want to leave him. now he is trying to be more islamic so i will be happy with him more.....i dont know he just cunfuse me a lot & i dont know wat to think or do.............

anyway its nice to have you all & talk with u.

salams Iman

Dear Iman,

I really don't think you will find any "proofs" that say your husband needs your permission to marry another wife.  It is more a matter of his character.  Surely this is a trial for you both.  Allah will judge both of your actions when the Final Day arrives.  Be strong in your faith, pray to Allah for courage and strength to get through this trial.

I look at it this way: if your husband has no good or honourable reason for taking a second wife, but goes ahead anyway against your objections, all the blame is on him in Allah's eyes.

If you, on the other hand, keep your faith strong, treat your husband with kindness and respect, and be the best mother and wife you can be, all the grace and mercy of Allah must surely be on you.

This life is a trial, dear Iman, it isn't always easy, and can even be quite horrible.  However, try to keep in mind that the life you have is a gift from Allah, to show Him how you can be the best submitter to His will.  This life is fleeting and the next life, the afterlife, is the one that will remain for eternity, Allah willing.

Let's face it, all the honourable scholars are male.  Perhaps female scholars would have something different to say about polygamy.  Only Allah knows!  As it is, men will and can find many excuses to marry more than one wife.  Allah knows what is in the hearts and minds of all people, He is the best of judges.

(And please, before I get posts saying I must respect the scholars, I do!  I am only saying that they look at things from a male perspective!)

Perhaps this is not helpful at all, but I hope you can draw some small comfort in knowing that being the best Muslim you can be is the best course for you (or any one of us).  Yes, life can be trying, but think of the big picture and of who will look best on the Judgement Day, perhaps that will bring you a small joy to hold in your heart.

Most of all, keep in mind your children.  Try to do what is best for them.  Divorce is always a last option, but is the most dispicable of what is allowed by Allah.  Children need a stable, loving home with parents that love and protect them.

I pray that Allah grants you much courage and strength as well as great patience to endure what lies ahead.  Keep in touch so we know how things are going, dear!

Peace, ummziba.

Assalamu Alaikum Sister Iman,

I have to apologize for my earlier post sister. I thought that the husband needed the consent of the first wife; I was wrong as Abuayisha pointed out to me. JazakAllah brother for putting me straight on that point.

I too do not understand why a husband would want/need a second wife if everything is fine with the first, surely the respect and accountability of the first wife's feelings should outweigh the carnal desires of the husband. Some will argue that it is better than him committing adultery...in both cases the wife feels that she is/has 'shared' her husband.

Again I reiterate that there are many reasons why it is beneficial and agreeable to marry a second, third and/or fourth wife. However, the question is, when there is no valid reason for it, should it still be done? Does the need and benefit still exist to such a great extent?

The stipulation that the man must treat each wife equally in all respects is usually enough of a deterrent to the idea itself since it is difficult to do.

It is, again, a very difficult issue to deal with and not only for the wife I guess, the husband goes through emotional turmoil too...more than one wife?? One is usually enough to drive the sanest man mad!!

Salaam

Assalamu Alaikum,

Ameen, Ummziba, MashaAllah your words are laden with wisdom.

Great advice for us all is contained within what you said.

May Allah (swt) bless us all in this life and the next!

Salam

salams, jazakala Khayrun to all & especily to ummziba.

ummziba all wat u are saying its right and i do think about that to be strong & excpt it but they are other reosons that i dont want to do it for him. my felings are broken so as the trust on him. im find it difficult living with him& not trus him. when he told for the firsttime  he wants to have 2wife (this was 3years ago) i told him. ok when the time comes i will try to do this for u. he was happy with me. but wat he did he went & propose one girl & just talking with her for long time & no marrige anywher.

now again resently he was seeing another girl & he intend to marry her. but bcose he is not ready fanacialy for that yet he was just talking to her every single day, msg, calls etc. i find this out & i was mad bcose this was his last chance with me as this happen before with some other girls. & he sais oppenly to me that i like this girla & i want to marry her. I ask him when, he sais i dont know but i want to do it my way. now he has realised throwgh me that wat he was doing all this time is wronge, he realised that there is no other way but Allah's way. i really talked to him isalmicly. he stoped talikng to her .....but i cant trust him anymore & bcose wat i have gone thrwogh i dont want to do this for him. i know u will say but u do it for Allah, but i cant. he hurt me so much & still he will get married??? no. he does not deserve it. i want to hurt him.     although he is very good to me.....bcose we are good to each other. & he gets very upset when he thinks that i will leave him.         &n bsp;       

anyway right now we are happy we act that we forgot everthgn. but when it will happen i dont know wat will happen...........inshallah khayr.

yes we will be in touch inshallah, its good to have u all alhamdulilah. with my family i cant talk about this, they are in albania & they cant understand this at all. islam is new there & they never practise poligamy.

love iman.

Hello Iman,

It sounds like your husband has become more "religious" lately.  Perhaps things will be O.K.  Keep talking to him about Islam and Allah.  Don't think about revenge for what he has already done, dear.  Revenge may feel good at the time, but really, it will only hurt your own soul.

If he brings up the idea of another wife again, let him know, repsectfully, that you are against it and why.  Don't get mad or talk with disrespect.  Maybe, Allah willing, the two of you might be able to work this out.  I sure hope so.  My best to you and may Allah help you both see the right way through this.

Peace, ummziba.

salam ummziba.

mashallah ur advices are always good, may Allah bless u.

yes im doing wat u said, it is better for ever1. yes he is trying to be more religion so i dont leave him olso so Allah will give him wat he wants. but i do pray that Allah will not let this happen cose i cant do it eather way if i leave him or not still i will have a brake donw, i think.

anyway right now its quite so i keep quite. thanx.love iman

Assalamu Alaikum Sisters:

Actually, the word Muslims should use is polygyny as it referes to having more than one wife, whereas polygamy refers to either sex having more than one mate.

Personally I could not be a co-wife, but that is just me.

I do wonder about the laws in this country though. A man can have 10 girlfriends, or a wife and 10 girlfriends, all living next door to each other and having his children, yet this is perfectly legal and accepted in our society. However, if a man or woman wants to make more than one person thier spouse it is illegal. I don't understand the rationale behind this.

A man can have any number of children by any number of women and still legally give these children his name, yet he cannot legally marry more than one of the women. Why not? He's already being sexual with all of them and starting families with all of them.

Just some thoughts.