Marraige

rubs_07 wrote: I have been with someone for a few years....

What does it mean that you have been with someone for a few year?

When i say a few years i mean i have known him, but its always been marraige!!

lol the weird thing is i can speak fluent urdu, but not punjabi, but can understand most of what they say...

My advice, if there is no hope for a relationship with this man and if he continues to be influenced by his parents then there is no need to continue to lose energey over something that obviously will not work

Absolutely prophetic, brother Israfil

I will go just a step further, it's not something that obviously will not work, it is simply not working as it is.

My gut feeling, vibe, whatever, he is the problem. I married an Indian, Urdu speaking girl when I was barely 19 years 2 months and 21 days old. And, one of the most powerful Pathan clan in tha part of the world, socially, politically and in all aspects of life could do NADA.

Such men or, should I say, boys, should be banned from public life. Reminds me of the some of those earlier Pakis into Britain. They would drive around without driving licences and if ever caught by the police they would plead "sorry, me ispeak no Inglesh".

Rubs, what country do you live in? Hand me the guy and I will make a man out of him - in three simple days. But I need the delivery in Mehmand agency or in Zhob (Baluchistan)!!

Dear Rubs,

I heard alarm bells ringing when I read your post. I'm muslim, white British and married a Pakistani man(dont like to refer to them as Pakis) 3 years ago.

I often spoke to his family by phone, but he never took me to Pakistan. Understanding Islam I knew that there SHOULD be no difference between caste and culture.

He went back June last year and stayed for 6 months. He returned Christmas Eve. After me asking questions he told me he had another wife. As to whether he married her before me, or last year, he has never told me. But obviously his culture, not the religion came first to his mother. As oldest son he has to obey her first and not the wife. A Pakistani wife is never treated equal, and depending on how educated the family is depends whether the wife is more like a servant than a wife. It didnt matter to his family that I was getting hurt. I was a nobody. I worked very hard and paid the bills here, while my husband worked and sent his money home.

The whole thing has left me confused, unfit for work, and consequently heavily in debt. I supported his spouse visa.

Rubs, to have such questions as yours is not a good sign.

Last week I cancelled my husbands visa. We have lived separate since May. He went to Pakistan again 7 weeks ago now, telling me he was going for 3. So now when he goes to the airport an alert will come up on his visa. What he will do then is beyond me.

You may both love eachother very much. But love has little to do with it I'm afraid. He might marry you, but he will be obligated to marry a Pakistani woman if his parents insist. And can you handle that? Ultimately I wasnt able to. He lied to me. He has probably lied to the other wife too. Secret phone calls home, secret phone calls to me from Pakistan. Pakistanis especially Punjabi ones from the north, are by nature very secret people. It is a well known fact. Doesnt say much for them understanding Islam either.

Think very carefully. Do you really want all the hastle? He will have to do as his parents say, even more so if he comes from a town or village. They wont consider you, because you are not one of them. You are most likely going to be used for some other purpose.

Sorry I cant tell you that love wins, but you must consider all these facts first.

Let us know what happens. You have already had some very good advice from others. Please consider everything you have read.

Whisper, you said the early Pakis pretended not to speak English in the early days of being in Britain. I can assure you that still exists, not out of ignorance with the language, but just so they can get whatever they want, even visas.