fulfill my haqq or grant me a talaaq

salaams NS

u are right. they will get all excited then when he doesnt pitch up, we will feel low n sad again

i will take one day at a time n see what happens. tomorrow i will try my best not to get depressed n put pressure on him. i will leave it up to him to decide if n when he wishes to see me

salaams

this is week one of the wating game. my hubby is in pta n he has promised to come to my place when he returns.

in the meantime im concentrating on the kids n my family. doing eid shopping, having islamic discussions with the kids etc

it isnt easy but im trying to hang in there

NS im dying to know whats the second phase of this plan of action. but i guess i have to complete this phase fisrt to get to the next

Another point to ponder,

"No plan will work unless we act upon it"

NS

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem.

Goal: To get your rights as ordained by Allah from your husband while establishing a harmonious relationship with him and the rest of the family.

Step 1: Ceasefire                                                                        2 Weeks to 2 months

Step back from the conflict and let everyone have a breather.

Make a background where this issue takes a backstage temporarily.

Establish sources of support

Create a loving and peaceful atmosphere at home.

Step2: Evaluate the past.                                                        1 week                                                                                                    

The past reveals many things about a person. And by facing how good or bad we dealt with issues in the past, we can try not to repeat the mistakes in the future. This is a hard step as it involves being truthful about our ownselves

Make very brief bio graph, assess it personally and with others (family/forum).

Step3: List expectations                                                          1 week

Expectations are tangible, with time frames (eg I need to be able to call my husband anytime even at his wifes house, timeframe is 3 months, and you will work to achieve the goal in 3 months AND recognition as the second wife in 2 weeks time AND having 3 nights a week and one weekend a month in 6 months from now.

Expectations are written down with copies, to hand out to the husband and the mediator.

Expectations are to be reviewed everyday.

Step4: Take stock                                                                 1 week

Review your assets: financial, social and personal.

Step5: Evaluate your choices and list the pros and cons of each choice       2 weeks

1)     Live in the present style: You are losing your rights BUT you are kind of satisfied because this is your comfort zone and changing your attitude is hard to do.

2)     Divorce: Though it will be easy to do and you can break free of the struggle going on right now, will you be able to deal with some of the issues later on. You have to see that you have had difficulty in dealing with your ex-husband.

3)     Change your life so that it gets better: This is hard; it depends on your willingness to change some personal attitudes. Also your husband�s behavior has been questionable. And his first wife, it appears that she is really not ready to be in a polygamous marriage and your husband is playing to her tune.

Step6: Bring your husband to the table.                       1 month (will take more than 1 meeting)

He has to present his plan and you will hash it out with him.

Your husband, I don�t want to doubt him as I do not know him, is acting strangely. Does he really think that when the first wife goes back to the marital home, and finds out he was sneaking out to meet you all this time, she will not move out once again?

You need to be firm when you deal with him here, leave the love out of the room for this session!

If he shows seriousness about the whole thing, then you have some chances.

If he becomes evasive, then you have to think if you want to stick it out with him.

At this stage you will also know what your husband�s expectations are, and when he expects the issue to be resolved.

Your husband has some things to realize here. And pass them on to his wife too. As long as he is married to you, he has to be equal in the way he spends his time, if he does not, he is putting a lot at risk.

He appears to be scared of his first wife, well, it just appears. He has shown a lot of bravado when marrying you when she was against it and now he cannot show some strength when he comes out to meet you?

Step7: Make an offer                                                                         1 week

Give him time/support; have a realistic approach when doing this. Once you commit you will have to stick with it.

Have a witness and have a written record so that no one can go back on their word. You might lose a lot of time in arguments about who agreed to what later on.

Step 8: Give up some of your rights for the time being.                    8 months

You are not getting these rights presently anyways.

Islamically, your right is something like 2 nights for weeks of the month and 3 nights for the other 2 weeks of the month. PLUS two weekends.

You can start off like this 0-3months � 1 night a week

3-4 months-1 night a week + 1 weekend

4-6 Months-1 night a week+2 weekends

6-8 months-2nights +2 weekends

8-10 months- 2nightsfor 2 weeks and 3 nights for the other 2 weeks of the month, PLUS the 2 weekends��

You will have reached your goal by then, InshaAllah.

Dear Rookaiya,

All the above steps have rules and reasons for doing them. If you wish take it up, then I can elaborate when we come to each step and we can discuss with others on the forum.

Najamsahar