Asa lamu alaikum

Im new here and this is the first time that im posting. i need advise from brothers and sisters who have been or are in a polygamous marriage. im based in South africa. I was married for 7 years and have 3 children from my first marriage. Unfortunately things didnt work out in my first marriage and i divorced in 2004, June.

there is a brother who has been very fond of me for a long time. we were very good friends in high school. he approached me and offered to marry me. but he had a wife and 2 kids. his wife is unable to have any more children due to medical reasons.

anyways , the brother approached me and said he would like me to be his second wife. he told me that he had no intention of leaving his first wife, but that he wabted to restore my dignity and give my kids a father. he said that he didnt want me engaging in any haraam activites with other men, and that he would like us to make Nikah.

at first i was very reluctant. he approached my parents and told them that he wanted to make nikah with me, and be a father to my kids and a husband to me.

it was complicated at first, but ultimately, my parents agreed . he told his wife about it, but she wasnt too pleased. she said she would never accept me, as a co wife.

anyway we made nikaah in april 2005. after that he used to spend one  night with the first wife and one night with me. this went on for about 2 months. then his first wife, moved out of the matrimonial home and she looked for accomaodation elsewehere for herself and the kids. she is employed and able to pay for the accomodation.

he begged her many times to come back to theit home, but in vain. eventually they broke ties and he and i continued to live together. he told her he wanst a divorce. she became very upset and accused him of abandoning her and the kids

in june 2006, he decided to move in with her, at the accomaodation that she found. he is currently living with her since then. we have one child togther from our nikaah. the baby was born in february 2006.

my husband is adamant that he wants to continue with our nikaah and he refuses to give me a talaaq. yet he is failing to fulfil my haqq. he told me that he is trying to get her to clam down and accept the situation and that he will "try" and spend every alternate weekend with me and the kids

i told him that its not acceptable to me. my haqq is equal amount of night and that he has to do so, faling which he should grant me a talaaq and set me free.

each time , i bring up the topic of my haqq, he tells me that the sitaution is very hard for him n he doesnt know what to do

i pray everyday and have asked Allah SWA to guide us all, and grant me the ability to make Sabr.

am i being unreasonable here

should i give him more time

do i need to be more understanding< am i being selfish

please help as i dont know what to do anymore

can you provide more info

1) How many nights is he spending with you and how many with her? And what is the perfect balance he hopes to achieve in the situation, alternate weekends are way out balance.

2) Is he maintaining you and your children financially?

3) Have you considered that the reasons for the marriage (being a father to the kids, giving you respect etc) no longer exist as this man cannot be even a halaftime father to his own baby which he got through you.

4) The country where you live, does this country recognise the second marriage as legal.

The thing that is apparent from your post is that your husband, lets assume he has good intentions in what he is doing. He is simply trying to pacify both wives. His first wife has some kind of a hold here as she has demonstrated that if she does not get what she wants, she will leave him with the kids and that worked. He went running back to her once she took him in.

It also appears that with three kids, one a baby, you might not be on your feet now. So you have to weigh your options carefully.

You are asking your right for spending the nights, it may be (just a guess) that for him, considering he was with you three months when she left him, its not a big deal. agreed that Its wrong, but peoples minds dont necessarily work right always.

What do you want, is the right of having to spend the night with him or something else? I know you must feel abandoned in a way and confused.

Undoubtedly what you are asking for is your right. But please understand that you need to put your needs across and in a right way. Think from his point of view. If he thinks that he wants to calm her down, you have to tell him "maybe she is clam now but she will flare up when he does come to you" things like this.

If you want to be in this polygamous relationship, then you will have to stop demanding each and everytime as you will lose your effect. be wise and try to make him understand your feelings and what effect his staying away is having on the baby etc

You also need to decide what exactly is the solution you are looking at and once you know what you want, dont worry about if it is too much.

You are not being selfish, he is being selfish

You are not unreasonable, you are asking what God has ordained for you

Ask him if he needs more time. Ask how much more time and what he hopes to accomplish by that time. Write this down, men usually forget!

Lastly, speak to your parents, ask them how they feel about this. InshaAllah it will be fine, and keep Sabr and enjoy your kids.

Send the info I asked for in the top of the post and InshaAllah will try and help you more.

NS

AsalamoAlaikum

Sister, have you ever heard of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) having loads of wives? They never gave Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) a hard time. He had other wives because He wanted to support them, like your husband. Your husband did it out of the goodness from his heart, and you should appreciate that. You should give him time, and be patient. What will you do if he does divorce you? You have fours kids, and it's hard to a single parent. Sister Rookaiya, you should think about it a lot. Hope that helps.

AsalamoAlaikum

salaams

thanks for the responses. as to your questions najam, the answers are as follows

1. he spends one night per week with me, but even with this his not consistent. some weeks, he calls and makes up excuses that hes unable to come over, or  if he does come over, then she will call n say the child is sick n he will go to her. other times he calls and says that he will come the next day and not on the day that we had pre arranged.

so i can say that i dont even know how much of time he spends with me cos its random. there are many instances that she called n i became uopset, then he didnt leave n spent the night with me

2. Alhamdulillah he maintains the baby n me financially. im also employed and i have my own home. im an attorney.

3.the thing is that i do love him very much and hes a good man. i was married before to an abusive man, who treated me very cruel. Alhamdulillah, my current husband is kind and considerate, but for the current circumstances.

i dont know how much of time he needs. but he has begged me not to end the relationship. he has begged me to be patient and he says hes trying to change his ways and fulfil my haqq.

the he tells me that he will try n spend every alternate weekend with me. thats when i became very upset and unreasonable and told him some very nasty things

i know its difficult to be a singel mom of 4 kids. but the pain and misery that this situation is causing me, is too much for me now. sometimes i even curse the day that i agreed to this marriage.

thanks for the reply Savera. i have never demanded that he leave his wife. its just that i feel so hurt and betrayed. i was against being a co wife. i never thought that it would happen to me.

one thing im certain of, is that he loves me very much. but i find myslef very conflicted. some times im very nice to him and loving and caring

other times i get very frustrated and become very rude and bitter. i throw tantrums and becoem very unreasonable

this whole situation has taken its toll on me. i cry every single night. some nights i cant even fall asleep. i pary alot and have asked Allah SWA to give me the ability to make SABR

but at times i think of all the nasty thinsg that this man has put me through

we were living together n he told me that hes divorcing his first wife. then the next thing he ups and leaves me. no good bye. he just packs his clothes n leaves

the whole weekend i tried to get hold of him on his mobile fone, but no answer.

thats what hurt me the most. he had told me previously that he loves me and he would never leave me. next thing he walks out on me. to date i ask him why n he says he doesnt know what happened. he cant explain why he upped and left

but he says he wants to work things out. i think hes being very selfish. he wants to string me along, while he continues with his first marriage happily. and im the one getting the raw end of this all

why must i be the one doing all the compromising.

i dont have the heart anymore. ive had enough. if he gives me a talaaq, i think i will be better off.

cos the pain he is causing me now is very intense. even the kida ask me when hes coming back home. n i dont know what to say. im miserable all the time. i ahvent smiled in ages. i have nothing to look forward to. i feel like im in some aweful dream

i feel like screaming right now. my hubby called me . he is due to come n spend the nite with me. i didnt bring my own car to work, as i was in an accident and im waiting for the car to be repaired. i asked him to pick me up from work

now its as if im asking for the world. he says that he cant cos hes got other commitments. says he will see me at my home later, at about 6pm. im so mad at him.

its bad enough that he has to spend every singel nite with his first wife. now even when its my turn, he sees the need to go to her first, then come to me. im really pissed

i told him that im not interested n that he shouldnt bother coming to me tonite. maybe i over reacted, but im so furious now

I understand that you have written the above note in desperation. And have also over reacted with your husband.

Sister, Allah is with those and loves those who are patient. We should never forget this, insha allah.

It is the shaytan who wants to create discord between two ppl, more preferably between two muslims, and most preferably when these two muslims are a husband and a wife.

Your husband is a kind man, as you have acknowledged in one of your posts yourself. He is in a difficult situation, which is apparent from his first wife's behavior. Some patience and compassion from your end is his due, as he is your husband who has restored your honor in society and is supporting you and the baby financially.

Moreover marriage is not just a contract on paper which makes two people obliged to certain responsibilities. It is also about compassion, love, kindness, companionship, sharing helping and the like.

It is not wrong to feel bad that he is unable to help you in  the situation you described above, but was it not possible for you to take a public transport home?

You need to talk with your husband about his situation. It is very likely that he needs your help, and support to solve the problems between the three of you. Obviously his first wife is not cooperating, and if you do the same he will be in a doubly miserable position. Perhaps you would not want that to happen.

Pray to allah that He gives you more patience to deal with your situations, and that He increase you and your husband in love, so that you can cherish your marriage, insha allah.

salaam

the problem that i have is that, his first wife is not co operating and this is working to her advantage, because she refuses to accept me as a co wife, she makes it very difficult for us to spend time togther, more especially nights.

i feel like she is using the kids, to have her own way with him n it seems to be working. that in turn is frustrating me n is affecting my marriage. we were together last nite, but i was very depressed. i cried alot too. then i told him to leave me alone n never return to me. i did all this out of anger and hurt.

he keeps asking me what do i expect him to do in these circumstances. i dont know what to say to him. even this morning, as he left, i cried so much.

he complains that im always fighting with him. but waht cause do i have to be in  a happy mood, and kind and civil towards him, when hes hurting me everyday.

he has told me that he needs advise from some brothers who are in a similar situation. so if there are any brothers who are in this situation or if anyone knows of any sites for help for a brother in these circumstances, please assist.

we are really desperate now as we have reached a dead end n dont know what to do

Bismillah

Assalamu'alaikum Sister,

It is not likely that anyone would be able to achieve the perfect balance in pleasing all his wives equally in polygamous marriage. From your own initial description it looks like he had the right intention, with modest approach and is trying his best without having to resort to divorce, abandoning kids and causing hurt to any of the parties. You should be able to support him and not compete with his first wife demanding strict share of your dues. 

If you love him, you will be able to understand him and his situation... he is probably under so much pressure and yet there isn't anyone whom he could sincerely turn to despite having two wives...

Consider cases where men marry second and third and fourth wives only to leave their previous families completely abandoned...

And pray to Allah to show you the Straight Path.

thanks for the response Mockba

i do love my husband very much and dont wish to end the marriage. Even last night he told me that he doesnt wish to end the nikah. he said to me if he gives me a talaaq, who will he be pleasing, His first wife? then he said no, he cannot do that. he has to please Allah SWA.

he also did tell me that hes under alot of pressure n that he gets easily agitated. he says that his level of Imaan has dropped tremendoulsy and that some times hes even ashamed to face me or my parents or my children, knowing what his putting me through

he told me that each day he struggles to live with the consequences of his actions (i.e the fact that he abandoned me and went to live with his first wife).

i want to love and support him. i do want to be patient. but at times i get out of control n i just say n do nasty things. he even told me last nite that hes afraid that im now starting to despise n hate him

I perform 2 rakaat salatul hajaah (nafl)every day begging and pleading with Allah swa to guide my husband and sho him the right way. i pray that his heart be filled with love n compassion for me n me for him. i even pray that the first wifes heart be softened and that at least she be more accomodating and undertstanding

i guess i have no choice but to be patient and keep prayer. Insha allah , my prayers will be answered all in good times, as Allah knows best

thanks esmereen

i have downloaded a book called polgany and the first wife. its written by a first wife regarding what she went through, when her hubby married a second wife. i discussed it with my hubby n he has said he will ask a close family memeber, someone older to give a copy to the wife

we are hoping that this will be an eye opener to her. she doesnt really hate me, as hubby advsied that she speaks fondly of me at times. yet at the same time, she refuses to accept me. hubby n i think she is being influenced by friends. i do believe that she has a good heart. shes also beautiful and very intelligent

i have bought a gift for her birthday which is next month. i have asked hubby to give her the gift, but not to reveal that its from me, as she will never accept it if she knows its from me. i believe that with love, patience, understanding and tolerance, she will come around. Insha Allah

i make a plea once again, if there are any brothers in this situation or if there are any sites where i can get info to assist my hubby, that would be really appreciated, as he is so torn apart by all this. i think hes the one whose most affected, and really needs advise .

Dear Rookaiya

Sister you need to change the way you are dealing with things here.

In my opinion, the one major thing that you are doing is "you are basing your happiness on him and with the situation going on, its too much pressure for him"

Immediately, right now, you have to back off a little. For 2 weeks give him space, dont put even a single demand or expectation on him. Let him come when he wishes and go when he wishes. In this period of time, you are to try and  not think about your co-wife or his other family.

Fill your time doing good things and keep yourself extremely busy. Chart out what you will do on an hourly basis and have many goals to fulfill by the end of the day. None of these activities will involve thinking about him, her or your present situation!

You are to take your mind off him for 2 weeks. Be with your kids and take pictures and make vidoes with them.

Calm yourself down and this will calm him down too. It will make him receptive to what you will ask for. Right now, sorry but you are not making a lot of sense to him and that may drive him away rather than closer to you.

InshaAllah....will give you the continuing plan soon...

ok najam

i guess i cant think clearly as im too emotional. i keep contradicting myself. its not gonna be easy to not think about him for 2 weeks, but i will do it , Insha Allah. my current approach is definately not working.

i will spend time with the kids n do as u said. with ramadaan coming up, we will be busy baking n cooking. the kids will love the attention too. but subhanallah, 2 weeks seems like an eternity for me.

Don't forget to keep remembering allah, and praying to Him for help in these two weeks :)

Fill your time with religious activities that you can share with your children. Insha allah your 2 weeks will not seem an eternity for you.

The responses from Mockba and Najam are both very good. Try to bring these in practice, and may allah be your Helper.

Fa inna ma�l usri yusra, inna ma�l usri yusra ... so, verily after difficulty there is ease, verily after every difficulty there is ease.

thanks umma tahaa

i thank Allah that i decided to seek help via this forum. now i feel like im not alone. the feedback that im getting is so positive n Im glad that u guys take time to read n reply with such good advise

i make dua that Allah swa showers his blessings upon you all. once i again i thnak u all from the bottom of my heart

Dear Rookaiya,

2 weeks are nothing, like everything else in this world, they will pass.

Be sure to have each day planned out and carry out the plan AND take stock at the end of the day.

Each time you begin to think of him, have something planned out. For eg, you can start organising stuff or cook something etc. The first 2 3 days will be tough, then it will be very easy. But you have to do this for yourself to develop a clear rational mindset.

InshaAllah keep in touch.

-NS

i will really try against all odds. he hasnt called me today n im so tempted to call him. i have to force myself not to call. Alhamdulilah my sister n her kids n my mom will be spending the weekend at my place. we gonna do some last minute ramadaan shopping, so i will be occupied over the weekend. but next week, that will be the true test for me.

never did i imagine in a million years that my life will be this way now. 3 years ago i was married to someone else nd thought we were very happy together, until he had an affair with someone at work. i found out about them at a work function. my ex n me used to work together

to say i was devastated in an under statement. the lady wasnt even a muslim, n she used to drink alcohol. in fact at that function she was so drunk n she was all over my colleagues. all eyes were on me, as people wanted to see how would i react to my hubby n this woman.

ok............didnt mean to get into that story. its too sad. the long and short of it is that he gave me a talaaq after he had married the other lady. they hadnt made nikaah, only civil wedding.

i got a transfer to another city n after 2 years lo n behold, my ex hubby n his wife have now transfered here to. i meet them in the lift grom time to time.

so u see, i have so many issues to deal with. my ex n his wife. we all work in the same builidng for the same company now. then theres my hubby n co wife. the kids, tmy job. im doing my MBA...its so hectic. sometimes i feel like im gonna have a nervous breakdown

salaam rookaiya

i am sorry for all you are dealing with.reading your posts have made me very sad. i am a little disappointed with some of the responses you have got though.  i think you are a strong woman and for the situation that you are in you are doing much better than most women. i think it is a good idea for you to take two weeks to clear your head from all this drama and just concentrate on you and your children. and of course, it being ramadan, you should use this time to draw closer to Allah (swt) and increase your faith (not saying your lacking but we all need this especially at trying times). we are all tested...and this situation could be a test for you, your husband and your cowife. i know how hard it is to have sabr but it is really the only way. what helps me when i feel like i am about to lose my mind or when i am overcome with stress and anger....i repeat over and over that i seek refuge with Allah (swt). i read the Quran as much as i can and alhumdulilah i always feel more peaceful.

trust in Allah (swt)...be a good person and clear your mind from anger and hopelessness. inshAllah you will be rewarded for your striving. you will be in my prayers.

peace

Dear Rookaiya

I just read your reply and it is terrible that ur husband just packed and left without a word and then there was no contact on the phone also. i can imagine what you went through all this time. Believe me, even though i know that my husband  loves me tremendously and he is so proud of me, cant help boasting about me to his friends, but when i cant get in touch with me, i just panic and all sorts of crazy thoughts go through my head. Since the last almost 7 months his first wife has gone to the village and we have been together. but when she was here and he was at home with her, i used to get mad when he would disconnect my call. initially he used to swithch off his phone but i talked him out of this habit, told him to put it on silent but do not switch it off as due to my disability there can be an emergency and this way i can at least sms him.

anyway, i am glad that your husband has returned to you and that you are offering prayers for his and your guidance. Inshallah you will be rewarded.

can you please direct me to the site from where you downloaded the book on ploygamy written by the first wife?

Dear Rookaiya

Hope you are doing well and that you had a good weekend.

I have two suggestions for you to do, I am giving the reasons why it will be good for you.

1) Get a system going for love and support from othersources . The other sources can be parents, siblings, cousins and other family, other freinds. The persons have to be Mahram if they are male, if not related then they HAVE to be female.

You need atleast 3 of the above. and you have to make 2 of the efforts below (or any others effort) in the next couple of days

-Phone call or meet for coffee or invite them over or offer to pick them up for taraweeh. When you are with them, you will not discuss your marriage/husband, find other things to do and discuss.

Why you need to do this? As a woman we fulfill many roles, the roles have diferent priorities at different times of the day and our stages of life.

It seems from your post that your entire focus is on spousal love, and that area is not going so great. By changing your focus temporarily on other sources of love, you will not only feel relaxed but you will be able to establish an emotional support system. Also not talking about the marriage will put things into perspective.

I know that it is very tempting not to talk about things that bother you, remember that you have time later after the two weeks are up!

2) Establish a family ritual which involves you and the kids. The ritual has to be a DAILY one and eventhough everyone may be busy, they have to take time out for this. And this ritual has to be related to Allah and Deen

It can be as short as 2 mins, where everyone says one thing that they felt thankful to Allah for OR a longer one where you pray together or prepare iftaar etc.

How this will help? Your kids will feel connected to you and each other in the best way, through Allah. And when things sometimes go wrong (Allah bless you and make things good from now on!) you guys have this one thing in the day that is right and no matter what the family comes together and bonds, All for Allah!

Take care

-NS

as salamu alaikum

sorry for only responding now. it waa a public hoilday on monday in South africa and yesterday my car was broken into. Alhamduliaalh they only took one tyre and didnt try to break into the car itself. thats all sorted out now

i would like to wish everyone Ramadaan Mubarak. may Allah SWA shower his mercy and blessings upon us all

i have read the responses. once again it is really appreciated. firstly let me start with "terrible 2 crazy". thanks for the words of encoragement. it really does make me feel better knowing that otheres see me as a strong woman and that people are so concerned to respond.

Savera, the site is http://www.polyganyfirstwife.com - www.polyganyfirstwife.com . i found that site through one of the posting here on islamicity.

Najma, i tried the 2 week thing like u suggested before. on friday i didnt call my hubbu at work , nor did he call me. i was ready to go on , and focus on other things excluding him. then on saturday he called to give salaam and see how we are doing. later on that saturday, he came home twice, but i was out shopping wiht my mom n sister.

then on sunday, he called and said hes coming over. he came and spent anout 4 hours with me and the kids. my mom n sister were also present. he asked me to take a drive with him cos he wanted us to have some alone time. alhamduliaalh i wnet and it was ok.

i didnt ask him anyhting about us, nor did i ask him when he was coming obver again. all i did was listen. to my amazement, he stared telling me that he misses me n the kids alot and that he wants to spend more time with us. he said that he has a plan n that he will be coming over more often and fulfilling my haqq

then he left.

later that evening he called me to tell me that eh loves me very much and that i must never doubt that

then he came over last night. he didnt sleep over, but he was there for about 2 hours. he said that he will be coming over tonite and he will have iftaar with us and he will sleep over

this is really unexpected cos it seemed that i was the one pushing for this man to spend time with me , and now he seems to be doing it willingly and frequently

in light of this turn of events, im not sure what to do. should i just continue or must i ask him to gimme some space as i  need to think and clear my head.

what do i do now?

this is confusing me even more

Rookaiya.

I thought that he has said the things he said over the weekend  before too. That he will try and make amends and feels bad etc. However you do not have a commitment from him yet and your goal should be to get a point where he commits  his time to you., not randomly and not by nagging.

Let things go as they will. As we discussed before, right now he has to have to feeling that he can come and go without any pressure from you. Now, there has to be no pressure not to come either.

Whenever he comes, make him feel comfortable and be very nice. Enjoy this time with him. But keep doing things that DO NOT invlove him too. Try to take the focus off him in the days remaining as you need a long term solution.

But please do not dwell on why he said this that or why is he doing this etc. Live for the moment and enjoy yourself.

MashaAllah you are dealing with so many things, and now the car ening broken into, subhan Allah! Just hang in there.

Dont go thinking that "oh hes not giving me time to think" etc. You will be fine inshaAllah.

We have to get him to a point where he realises (looks like he is already realising) that there are somethings that he needs to do as a father and husband without asking or nagging.

You have another 10 days to go and then you will start thinking about the next steps.

You might want to try some of the things  I suggested in my last post.

Take care

NS

salaams NS

he didnt come last nite as promised. he send me a message saying that he had car trouble. the kids were very disappointed as we had waited for him for iftaar. but thats fine . im ok. ive decided to focus on my studies for now. im doing my masters in bussiness administration and its difficult.

what also bugs me sometimes is my ex hubby. i moved from our home 2 years ago n came to another city. he married someone else 3 days later n gave me talaaq a month later

then in may this year he n his wife n their kid now move to the same city where i am. n we all happen to be working for the same company, on different floors.

almost every othr day i bump into the 2. its makes me so sda. thsi is the man i was married to for 7 years. we have 3 kids togther. n he discarded like nothing. fine, i accpeted that n i took a transfer to another city. y must he now come to where i am. thsi is very unfair. seeing him hurts me so much. i cant even say salaam to him.

he used to come to my office to chat, but i told my manager about it and he was barred from communicating with me at work. our youngets son who is 3 is sickly. he was hospitalised twice, n his dad was here , same city noth thimes, i called him n told him. he never once bothered to come n see the child. he hasnt seen his kids in 2 months

my eldest daughter wrote him a letter n gave it to me to give to him, since we work in the same building. she wanted to know whay he doesnt come to see them or collect them for the weekend. he replied that he would come soon,but he never did

it breaks my heart to write this , as my eldest daughter was very fond of her dad, but he has excluded himself from the kids lives.

so now they are holding onto their new daddy. so it really a double blow for them too, should my second nikah not work out.

i sometimes ask myself why am i this unlucky in my marriages. i have yet to discover the answer to that.

oops i forgot that i wanted to let u know of an interesting site that i have come across. not sure how i even got there. they have all these sisters blogs. its quite interesting to read about what other sisters in similar situations are going through

i just type this on my pc  needcopingmechanisms.blogspot.com

then i chose " between rights and obligations" its very interesting what i read there. i have also since then read other blogs too. i think it will be indeed very helpful to people who are struggling to deal with polygamy.

if anyone comes across ano useful or interesting info on other sites, please feel free to share same

jazak Allah

Dear Rookaiya,

First of, your second marriage is not in the category of "not working". You are having difficulties which are very common in a polygamous marriage when the first wife did not consent to the second wife.

Your present husband, it appears that he is in the middle of a tug of war, but really he is trying and lets him give some credit for that. And a lot of credit for having concern for your children and trying to be a dad for them.

I really admire that you can deal with your ex and his wife after what you have gone through. Its simply amazing and I can imagine what you must be going through on a daily basis and coming out even stronger each time.

From what you have said here, it is pretty obvious that your ex does not want to be part of your kids lives. It's wrong!

But you have to see something here, he is not involved and looks like he does not want to.

So this is the reality of your life and you need to accept this. Its important to accept this.

Only by accepting the reality, you can deal with it. If you are emotional and focus on "why and what" , you wont move on.

Islaam does not recognise any relation between ex es . This is the wisdom behind it. You and your ex have become nothing to each other by the talaaq. He is just another man you come across at work or anywhere else. what he does with his wife is is his problem. And frankly, you should not be thinking about him for even a spilt second.

This is what Allah has sent for you and what I see (an maybe others) is different from what you see. And Allah SWT, He sees a big picture of which we have no knowledge and in the end its best for us.

I see your ex husband as someone who can get acrried away and what a decision to make!, leave the marriage and the kids and start off with a lady who drinks. Then try and speak to the first wife (you). He is a guy who does not care for his child when he is sick, does not respond to his daughters letters.

Why are you frustrated at this behaviour? And you are contradicting yourself again, you want to say salaam to him and also you know that he is not a great father.

Even if he was involved with the kids, I would be very wary as to what kind of a environment he is exposing them to, this is another big issue that will start. his wife and he appear to be liberal and who knows what their principles are? Surely not very islamic.

I think each time you see him, you should thank Allah that He made you away from such a man!

Plus, you have moved on too. You are married to this guy who promised to be a good dad for your kids, you have a new baby and you are working and have family support and doing MBA. MashaAllah!

Let me ask you a q about your first marriage, when you discovered that he was having an affair, did you ask for a divorce or did he?

Your marriage and your life will work out, this is a part of Allahs Plan.

-NS

salaam NS

when i found out about the affair i was hurt n humiliated as it was exposed in front of all our collegaues at a work function. to make matter worse he never came home that evening, but spent the night with that lady. he called me the next day n said he wanted to talk. i was very upset n said i need time to think

then next thing its like he has moved in wiht this lady n im living with a friend. it all happened so fast. then i aksed for a transfer n moved to another city, which is my home town, where i grew up. he didnt even attempt to stop me. in fact he helped me pack. a week after i left , i was informed that he n the lady r married

then he comes in december that same year with the lady to my moms place to show her off, in our community. he parks his car outside my yard, calls the kids n he n her take pics of the kids. right outside my moms house. i was devastated n called my uncle. my unlce told them to leave at once as this was unacceptable

the woman who he has married isnt the best of people. a week after they moved here, she caused trouble at work. she met me at the lift n made a comment abt my son. a nasty comment regarding my mothering skills. i was upset n went to her manager. she was given a warning n told not to communicate wiht me at work or else she will eb in seruious trouble.

sometimes when i look back at my life n all that has transpired i cant believe that i have actually been through all this. but like u said its all part of Allahs plan n i have to accept it n move on. what other option do i have

oops i forgot to add that my ex wanted me to come back to him earlier this year. he told me that hes so miserable with his wife. said that shes loose with money n has a sharp tongue n that she montitors his every move. she wont allow him to go anywhere without her

she even answers his mobile fone n screens his messages. each month she gets a print out of his mobile fone n she questions him abt hsi fone calls. he has no freedom to go anywhere or do anything. i flet sorry for him at the time, but in hindsight, i think he deserves what hes getting. after all that i did for him, he repaid me by discarding me as if i were an old worn out toy. he told me that i was so fat n old. he called me a granny, >>>>ME>>>>>>>>>>th e one who took him in when he had no place to stay

the one who maintained him for 2 years when he was unemployed. the one who got him the job hes doing now. when i think about all the thinkgs ive done n all the sacrifices ive made, it breaks my heart really, that any human being could be so cruel to another. n to think that i wasted 7 good years of my life on this man. im very bitter indeed.

No news that he is miserable w her.

She must be so insecure that he will go back to you or will find another woman like her!

Let me ask you the q again,

1)who initiated the divorce proceedings

2) Do you speak about your ex to your present husband? Like your hurt and your feelings etc

3)Are you in touch with your ex now? If yes, is it about the kids or just staying in touch.

NS

salaams

my ex n me are not in contact as i lodged a complain to my manager n he isnt allowed to contact me at work

as for the divorce, i left n he married her a week later. when i found out i asked him n he denied the marriage to her. but we were now living in differnt cities. then after a month he send me an email n he concluded with the words in big bold letters " SO I SET YOU FREE". i asked him if he intended talaaq by these words but he didnt reply

so i appraoched our local Imaam n advised him of the circumstances and the email. the Imaam called him to ask what he intended by the words n he advised that he intended to give me a talaaq. accordingly the Imaam advised that this is an irrevocable talaaq and that i should observe my idaat period

there were no divorce proceedings as we had only made Nikaah. we hadnt registered our marriage in terms of South african law. the reason for this is, becoause im an attorney and i have seen many marriages end in divorce. i wanted us to sign a prenup n he refused so beocs we couldnt agree on the pre nup, or marriage wasnt registered according to South african law.

my husband is well aware of everything pertaining to my ex hubby n me. hes the one who advised me to break ties with my ex, seeing that he has caused me such pain n misery in the past

Rookaiya,

Ramadan Kareem to you and your family!

You are indeed an admirable woman, from all what you have stated, you have surely gone thru so much and alhamdulillah, you have been so, so strong thru all of it.

May allah reward you for your strength and courage, with an honorable compensation from His treasures, Ameen.

Dear sister, I wish to point out to you, that your ex hubby is islamically not a mahram to you anymore. So thinking about him, discussing or pondering over his personal life would not be right for you. Further you are somebody's wife, so for his (your present husband) ghairah and his dignity, you should leave your past life as a chapter closed, insha allah. There is no reason for you to feel sorry for him or even to think weather he deserves what he is getting or not. Just let him be. You concentrate on your life, your husband and your children.

Insha allah your marriage will work, since your husband sounds to be a man of Taqwa, masha allah.

Hold on and be strong!

Through allah's Grace and Favor is all success and felicity.

rookaiya wrote: salaams my ex n me are not in contact as i lodged a complain to my manager n he isnt allowed to contact me at work as for the divorce, i left n he married her a week later. when i found out i asked him n he denied the marriage to her. but we were now living in differnt cities. then after a month he send me an email n he concluded with the words in big bold letters " SO I SET YOU FREE". i asked him if he intended talaaq by these words but he didnt reply so i appraoched our local Imaam n advised him of the circumstances and the email. the Imaam called him to ask what he intended by the words n he advised that he intended to give me a talaaq. accordingly the Imaam advised that this is an irrevocable talaaq and that i should observe my idaat period there were no divorce proceedings as we had only made Nikaah. we hadnt registered our marriage in terms of South african law. the reason for this is, becoause im an attorney and i have seen many marriages end in divorce. i wanted us to sign a prenup n he refused so beocs we couldnt agree on the pre nup, or marriage wasnt registered according to South african law. my husband is well aware of everything pertaining to my ex hubby n me. hes the one who advised me to break ties with my ex, seeing that he has caused me such pain n misery in the past

Rookaiya,

Let me ask you the question again,

1)Is your present husband aware that you have this interaction or whatever with your ex earlier this year and that he asked you to come back to him ?

2)And that even today, you are very sensitive about what has happened in respect to that marriage and to quote you "I feel bad that I cannot even say salaam to him"

And if he is aware of this, how do you think he feels about it? Like sis Ummtaaha pointed out, you husband has some dignity too, what do you think he feels.

-NS

I quote myself from the earlier post

""Islaam does not recognise any relation between ex es . This is the wisdom behind it. You and your ex have become nothing to each other by the talaaq. He is just another man you come across at work or anywhere else. what he does with his wife is is his problem. And frankly, you should not be thinking about him for even a spilt second.""

And totally agree with UmmTaaha's post.

Rookaiya, sorry to be blunt here, but many
( not all) of your problems are arising from how you are dealing with your ex and his situation .

-NS

salaams

i have decided to take the advise regarding my ex. hes no longer a part of my life so i will pretend he doesnt exist n concentrate on other issues

i have plans for the weekend. im taking the kids shopping. insha allah on sunday im taking them to an orphanage for a visit. i have decided to invite at least one orphan child to sepnd eid with me n the kids. thereafter i would like her to come for the decmeber holidays when schools are closed. i think that i can make a differnece in a little girla life n i know my kids will welcome her into our home with open arms. i havent met the girl yet, but im looking for a girl who is about 9, my eldest daughters age. i know i have 4 kids of my own n lots of responsibilities, but i think i can hanlde one more child of that age

i never thought about this before but it just occured to me a few days ago that i would like to add value to someones life. i have a desire deep in my heart to care for an orphan child. alhamdulillah , Allah SWA has blessed me with 4 wonderful children n im very grateful for that. but i know i have lots of love to share with other kids as well. i will see how this goes n maybe Insha Allah i will even adopt a child in the near future

this feels like its my calling in life. its the first time in my life that i feel so passionate about this n i have a strong desire to reach out n help the orphans.

this will indeed fill a void in my life n give me a sense of purpose.

and as for my hubby n me, i have decided to try the 2 week thing. i will not call him or ask him to come over or demand that he fulfil my haqq. i will instead concentrate on my self n the kids n my studies.

work is also very demanding, so i have lots on my plate. i think the break will indeed do us both some good. n my idea about helping out an orphan child will really make me feel so good, knowing that I made a difference in someones life. i will keep u guys posted regarding what happens .

enjoy the weekend everyone.

 Assalamu Alaikum Dear Sister,

 You should not sit by and allow your husband to disrespect you. You are just as entitled to fair treatment as your co-wife is. That is Islam. He is wrong and you need to talk to your Imam about it. Are you hesitating because you feel he is not really into you and that he'll use that as an excuse to let you go? I ask because I don't see how you have dealt with this situation for so long. It's almost like you're tiptoeing around trying not to tip over an already shaky boat.

salaams taliya

im following the advise of sister NS who told me to give my hubby a 2 week break. she said that i shouldnt mention my haqq to him during those 2 weeks nor should i think of his n his first wife. i should use the time to do other stuff

im not tiptoeing at all. i have told my hubby that i want a talaaq since hes not fulfilling my haqq. but hes the one who begged me to reconsider, saying that he doesnt want to end the marriage. hes asked me to be aptiend n he said that he has a plan.

im not afraid of this marriage ending. i was married before n i survived that divorce n if trhis ends in divorce, im sure i will survive.

so now who do i listen to. on the one had i have someone telling me to be patient n give my hubby a chance. on the other hand im told that i should demand my haqq as it is my right for him to spend equal time with me

i love him alot n he loves me too. i dont really want the marriage to end in talaaq. so for now, i will hold on n try the 2 week thing n see what happens.

Dear Rookaiya,

Your posts are wonderful and positive.

You have only a week left for the 2 weeks to be up and then we will review the plan I made.

NS

NS, I am growing to admire you. Masha allah, very good advices, and very careful follow ups. may allah reward you graciously, and may He produce more sisters and brothers in this community like you.

Rookaiya,

Talaaq is the most disliked of things Allah has made permissible. So we have to analyse, what ultimately we are seeking. Are we seeking merely our desires or His good pleasure.

There was a society where husbands and wives would concentrate their focus on their duties and not their rights in a marriage. In such societies is health and prosperity. 

Our duties are what we shall be questioned about not our rights. We will receive fair compensations for the rights which were nor fulfilled in this life, but as for our duties, we shall be held accountable. So do not let the balance between the two escape you.

Our trials are either an expiation of our sins or they improve our ranks with allah. So keep doing your duty and know that Allah knows all that you are going through - He is not unawre of anything - not even that which the breasts conceal. Have faith in Allah, and seek Him for deliverance from your present situations.

Take the desired means to help you and do not rely on these. Keep your trust in Allah, not on your means taken.

subhanallah

i called my hubby in a fit of rage. i know i wasnt supposed to n that i was to wait 2 weeks. but i couldnt contain myself. i was hurting too much n i needed to vent. so i called him n i told him a whole lot of crap. i cursed him n told him that he would never find happiness n peace of mind as long as he was opressing me.

then i hung up on him. i cried for a bit. i got more mad n i called him again. this time he hung up on me. so i called back n told him that if he ever dared hang up again i would go to his work n make a scene there n embarass him at work

i dont know where all this came from as i have been very calm n level headed. but today i just felt like i needed to erupt or i would die. i was such a mean person to him. i wanted to hurt him n punish him. i hate him so much right now. how could he do this to me'

did i ask him to be my nite in shinning armour? NOPE>>>>>>>>>i was getting along very well on my own after my talaaq. i never asked this man to persue me n talk me into being his second wife, only to have him mistreat me n mishandle me now. n step on my emotions. he said he loved me. he said i was his lost mate. he even questioned y this hadnt happened years ago, i.e me n him getting married. he has lied to me too many times than i care to remember

how can he live with himself. he calls himself a believer n a pious person. yet he treats me like crap. I cry everyday becos of him. now my kids have to suffer yet again. how could one man destroy so many lives. hes lower than the scum of the earth. hes a liar and a manipulator. he used me. now that he got what he wanted , he discarded me like garbage. where is the justice, someone please tell me where is the justice

i went back n read the previous posts n im really sorry that i got so carried away. i dont know waht came over me

NS i really appreciate all your help as well as others who took time to read n respond n try n help me out. now i go n do this n its like im ungrateful. im not ungrateful. please bear with me, as i dont know what came over me n why i got so out of control

alhamdulilah, i have now calmed down n im trying very hard to feel better. Pain is something else . one would thing that im no stranger to pain but see what i went n did

what now? do i pretend that i never called n continue with the 2 week break. i could kick myslef now for demanding that he fulfil my haqq. ive went back to square one all over again. please dont give up on me NS. please dont cos i dont know y im being so self destructive now

Rookaiya,

Please remember there is no shaytan around us in this month. Whatever bad behavior that come forth from within is due to our own selves, our nafs.

This is the month of ramadan, where one good deed amounts to 70 good deeds in our records, and one bad deed amounts to 10 of those. - And we need to mind our scrolls not others'.

You treated your husband that way because your nafs got the better of you. You certainly do not feel that way about him through your heart, it was your lower self. You need to train it.

When you feel angry that way perform wudu, send salat-o-salam on nabi sallallahu alaihe wassalam, don't use the phone - don't even try to pick-up the receiver.

I think since you called your husband and did all that, you should start your 2 weeks all over again, counting from this day. However before that, do two things. One, repent to allah to have shown disrespect and bad behavior towards your husband. Ask Him to forgive you, and second either call him to say sorry, or send him a note, preferably a note.

Don't think my suggestion is absurd, because husbands and wives should be treating each other with compassion. Abuse, even if it is verbal is detrimental to the health of marriage, and you just used verbal abuse. Another thing wives should remember is that a husband is the head of the family, thus they should be treated with certain level of respect. Where the heads are not give due respect, those institutions derail, so do not let that happen to you.

I hope NS will not give up on you, but nobody can help you unless you have a firm resolve to help yourself.

You were doing fine, but this bout of rage denotes that you were holding it all below the surface. I don't think it will work for any number of days you stay away from your husband, if it is going to generate such anger in you. Try to work on your anger. It is self destructive. You wont be able to sort your problems like that, so treat your anger as your enemy, don't give vent to it. It is like a horse which if you do not ride (ie control) it will ride you, so be very vigillent about it welling in you.

Wish you luck!

salaams

thanks for the response. alhamdulilah, my hubby came over last nite n had iftaar with us. i did ask for his forgiveness for my behaviour n he said that he understood y i acted the way i did. as a peace offering, i bought a gift set for my co wife but told him not to disclose that its from me.

i will continue to make lots of dua, n insha allah i will be able to control my lower self much better n not act in a self destructive manner.

Dear Rookaiya,

Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullah.

Alhamdulillah, I am glad you made up with your husband, and apologised for your behaviour.

May be you should have a gift for him as well :) Something that makes him feel there aren't only demands on him, but he is loved and cared.

Remember all of your brothers and sisters in your dua, and also this needy sister. Barak allah feekum

May allah lift all your worries, and replace those with much favors.

shukran

my hubby n i reached n understanding. this is his plan though im not sure if it will work. his first wife moved out some time last year cos she said she wouldnt accpemt me as a co wife. they were separated for a whole year n there was even talk of talaaq.

then in may this year he went to live with her in the accomaodation that she moved to. he told me a month later that he did this as a way to cool her heart n convinve her to move back to the matrimonial home. he asked me to be patient through all this

now he told me last nite that he as convinced her to move back to the matrimonial home n insha alaah in december, she will move back in

now his plan is that once she moves back in, he will then come to see me on a more regular basis, seeing that their matrimonial home is abt a 10 mins drive from my home. he feels thats it will be easier indeed once she moves back in

in the interim, he hasnt told her that he n i have not broken up. she is under the impression that he has cut all ties with me. he said that he had to do it this way, in order to get her to calm down. he was unable to achieve this any other way

i told him that what if she moves back into their home n finds out about us n then moves back out again, what will he do then. he said that he dounts that she will do that. he advised that this time around he will handle things with much more care n consideration for her. he is currently reading that book i downloaded for her on polygamy n the first wife.

he said that he will acknowledge her pain n he will take full responsiblity for alll the hardship n suffering that he put her through. he frimly believes that his plan wil work n he has asked me to support him n not fight him on this

i said i will think about it. im not sure though

Sis, men are more practical while women are more emotional. Let us accept this for a fact, because as a general rule this is true.

If your husband has a plan, and he is making efforts to make things better for all three of you, indeed his intentions are sincere, insha allah.

Give him your love and support. Along with that give him some time and space.

Keep ur trust in allah, and be patient.

Insha allah khair.

Dear Rookaiya

You need to understand two things here.

1) You are looking for sympathy and conflict. You need to focus on finding a solution.

2) You seem to be extremely distressed by your situation. I agree that it is a difficult one. But looking back at your posts, I dont think that you have managed to heed any advice. Let me ask you how many suggestions you did follow. If you had spent the past 2 weeks as suggested, you would have been a different person today, inshaAllah. Its plain commonsense.

I am ssuming that your plan of action is that everything and everyone has to changebut you (becuase you are the one that is deprived). Well, deprived or not, one cannot change our situation unless we change oursleves (its in the quran)

For now,

1) take whatever your husband is offering you. If you see from his point of view, it is most likely that this so-called plan of his is a way to cool you down.

2) Dont send anymore anonymous gifts to your co-wife. She is going to feel that the husband and you were in some sort of a pact against here and some people may take it as an insult. You are her co-wife and you need to keep your dignity at all times.When you are asking for a rights similar to hers, why put yourself down so much to become anonymous?

 When you are reconciled with her, you can give gifts. Right now, as UmmTaaha said, you can give gifts to your husband.

I am giving you very practical advice to deal with things.

I cannot be very sympathetic because I always believe that with Allah's Help and our wisdom, we can always find a solution. However , like everyone I am very busy too and I have a 42kbs dialup net connection( so annoying)

If you want me to keep posting, let me know. There is a new rule here, either you will take the advice or you will reply saying why you cannot do it.

NS

salaams NS

i did take some of the advise

every evening when i go home, i discuss islamic issues with the kids. we talk about school n madressa n i tell them of anything new that i have come across

i also met an old colleague from university n we discussed everything but my polygamous marriage. i didnt discuss hubby at all

ok, the part where i dont think of him  or her..thats a difficult one. i have tried not to think of him, but its not easy

there are too many memories of him in my home. his cloths are still there. so many constant reminders. how does one then not think of him

im not going out of my way not to follow advise. im really trying but its not so easy when it comes to matters of the heart

Rookaiya,

Sorry for assuming. When you did not post about what you did, I thought you did not do anything. But you had more stuff to do, like getting in touch with more people. Also, did you make the trip to the orphanage?

Let me ask you a question,

-What do you think about when you think about him? Do you imagine him with her and that they are in love and happy. That they are doing great things together....and then you think that you are stuck with these things that you do not deserve and that makes you mad! Can you be specific as to what your mode is? Are you thinking of this time or are you desperate that this is the way your life is always going to be?

Its quite easy to strenghten our will, believe me, its the easiest thing to do once you know what benefits it will bring.

NS

-

salaams NS

i havent been to the orphanage yet but i am going. i ahve filld in a monthly debit order n i will be contributing monthly to the orphanage

Alhamdulilah i have not seen them together once, since he reconciled with her. i get upset when i think of them together cos he always told me that she was very aggressive n that he was unhappy with her. apparently they brought out the worse in each other, or so he said

so i get confused now cos hes complianed of her physically n verbally abusing him, yet he chose to move back in with her, at her place, on her terms. i dont egt that part at all

he keeps saying that eh cant explain how n y he moved back in. but i think he is lying to me abt that. its like she has some kind of power n control, over him. at some stage he was doing his own thing n he didnt give into her threats

but all of a sudden, he became her prisoner. i wish i knew what hold she has over him. the suspense is killing me.

btw, the gift idea was from a site i stumbled across. its blogs of muslim sisters in polygamous marriages. n this one sister relates how she receives gifts from the co wife

so i thought to myslef that it was her birthday on the 2nd , y not do something nice n get her a gift. i went in the rain n got her a gift. i took my time about it. i bought her something that i would buy for myslef. it wasnt a hasty thing. i did it with love

the reason y i dont want him telling her that its from me, is cos she will be skeptical n i dont blame her for that. when  the time is right he will disclose my identity.

to be honest with u guys, im dying to get to know my co wife better. i secretly long for us to co exist n be on speaking terms. i dont wanna be best friends or anything, but i think that we should at least have some kind of relationship of tolerance

hubby suggested that he will tell her that the gift if from me n that he will sing my praises to her n tell her what an angel i am n how sweet n kind i am................not a good idea. i tlaked him out of that, cos that will anger her even more. soemtiems i cnat undertstand men n their reasoning

Seems to me that your husband has things he needs to work out with his other wife. Well with both of you, but from what he has told you, she is not receiving all of the information about you.

The only thing anyone can do is state in a calm manner what you need (and are required to have) and what you expect. If he cannot fulfill it then he cannot. We cannot control other people. People often manipulate and they seek to control them.  Assuming he wants you as his wife then he needs to state calmly to his other wife what the deal is. She can either accept or not accept.  It is not easy. I am not saying that. But he needs to be strong.  He needs to be practical and fair. If you are willing to share and she is not then he has to make a decision.  If both you and he are fine then his other wife must then decide. 

There are pros and cons to every situation. He needs to think about it. Unless his other wife will make the effort to come to terms with it then she is just going to be unhappy about it.  Then they need to decide that they would be better seperated / divorced.  Not all situations are for everyone.

As Salamu Alaikum Sister Rookaiya

I felt very sad after reading this post. You have received good advice from the members here however, I don�t agree with them totally. Sister I think maybe you are a victim of deceit. I have seen this happening many times before.

I truly admire your courage and love for your husband by standing up for him. And I pray from the bottom of my heart that he is truly worthy of your love and patience. You truly are a very strong woman first you made sacrifices for your first husband and now you are making sacrifices for your second husband. I personally think you must put yourself and your children first. You deserve better sister.

Firstly your husband knew that his first wife will not accept his second marriage and secondly he knew that there was no way he would leave her for you. The third important point is that legally in South Africa your marriage cannot be registered, if his first marriage is registered and legally any children you have from him will not inherit from his estate unless he makes a will to that effect. The fourth point is the most important � you are a mother of three, and an attorney, so there is no need to support you- you were a good fish to catch.

thanks alwardah. i have read your post twice. eventhough its long, its very informative n u indeed pointed out alot of things to me that i need to consider.

stand my ground? its amazing that i was once a strong person who never let anyone take advantage of me. i could stand up for myself. but lately i have become weak. i dont why i am this way. i just dont have the willpower or the energy to go on . its like i have lost a major part of myself. i feel so broken n torn apart. i dont feel whole .

i dont wanna disappoint the people who took time to read n respond to my dilemma, but Ive become helpless now. i pray alot. alhumdilillah. i read the Quran, i make Zikr. Insha Allah, there will soon be some relief for me.

Dear sister,

Patience is the key of success in human life and, you might be going through difficult situation, but your focus must be on your children if your husband is sincere and supporting your children then I would suggest you compromise with the situation.

die for others, that is called success and sucrifice.

Salaam

salaams sky

i like ur end line " we get what we deserve not desire". ofetn we forget such a basic thing.

i will perservere n be as patient as i can. Insha Allah im hopeful that in the end things wil work out.

my hubby n i are talking more often now n tomorrow after Jumah we are gonna meet Insha Allh n discuss the Khutbah n other stuff.

then on sunday, ( hes still gonna confirm), he will join us for iftaar. he sadi for now since he cant give me equal nights, he will give me time during the day , especially on weekends. he will even come after iftaar on weekday n we can pray Esha together n then he will spend time with the kids n tuck them in bed n then leave.

to some it may seem im a fool to accept such a compromise, but i think its btter that nothing or not seeing him for a whole week

Rookiaya,

From your posts, he's broken many promises before. I would not be very excited by this plan untill after he has done the things he has promised.

The important point that has sprung up since yesterday is that his first wife is under the impression that he has broken ties with you. This means that he is sneaking out to meet you and this is not very favorable.

This also means that he is lying to her and maybe lying to you as well. He has probably made up this plan because his first wife has some things planned out for the evenings and he can sneak out. Also last week or so, when he cancelled his visit as the car was not good, why send an SMS?

Rookiaya, you need to think longterm. Dont be swayed by his promises to visit and that "something is better than nothing".

There are 4 types of Sabr, i got this from the tafseer of Abdullah yusuf Ali, and he says that one type of sabr is "Systematic as opposed to spasmodic or chance action"  Sabr is not only put up and shut up. To have a resistance to wrong is also sabr.

I would also like to point something else to you. Since we have many broken promises here, do you really want to tell your kids about his coming over. I mean, the last time they were really dissappointed when he did not turn up. How about you dont mention his plans and when he comes, let them have a nice surprise.

NS

salaams NS

u are right. they will get all excited then when he doesnt pitch up, we will feel low n sad again

i will take one day at a time n see what happens. tomorrow i will try my best not to get depressed n put pressure on him. i will leave it up to him to decide if n when he wishes to see me

My heart goes out for you. Sometimes we are in situations that are very difficult and painful.  Knowing which way to turn, how to be positive, and to find the postive outcome can be very hard.

Alwardah is quite right on many points. I think looking at it from a perspective of honesty, intergrity fairness and justice.

 Sometimes we get into situations and we really do not know how. Someone or more then one person is being manipulative.

Stay strong. One thing that can help is if you do something to help someone else. When I was gonig through tough times, the best thing i could go do was teach cause it got me out of my own head. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy so to speak.  Prayers and excellent.  But sometimes you need a distraction that is different then what is currently going on in your own life.  Not sure what you could do. But if you can find something it may help.  Just a thought. 

salaams

this is week one of the wating game. my hubby is in pta n he has promised to come to my place when he returns.

in the meantime im concentrating on the kids n my family. doing eid shopping, having islamic discussions with the kids etc

it isnt easy but im trying to hang in there

NS im dying to know whats the second phase of this plan of action. but i guess i have to complete this phase fisrt to get to the next

Dear Rookaiya,

I will post the entire plan or just the phase 2(however you want) on Sunday inshaAllah. Lets discuss and see how it might work or might not work. My feeling is that it will, but I am  not sure how receptive you will be to the plan.

The reason for telling everything at once is that, usually one loses focus on the immediate step and there is an urgency to go to the next one. This is expecially the case when there are more than one person involved.

Thursday/Friday is the weekend here and I plan to go to Madina with my husband and kids. InshaAllah I will pray for you and all the sisters (and brothers) on the forum.

Can you try and and think about the following things till I come back

1) To recieve Allahs Mercy, one must be Merciful to His slaves. One condition of being merciful to each other is to do good when the other person does not appear to be worthy of it. We can be good to people who are good to us, but the deciding factor is being good to someone who isnt good to us.

This was a striking feature in the way the rasul SAW dealt with people and this trait changed the disbelievrs of Makkah who buried their infant children into God Fearing men.

2) To mediate a conflict, even though it may appear that one party has given too much, to get out of this deadlock, the injured party may have to give just a little more. Its like giving an inch to get a mile.

Now, the longterm benefit is that even without giving the inch, the injured party's rights were being abused. But by taking control and givning just a little bit more, the weaker party gets some kind of leverage in the situation.

Now the giving in the above is measured and planned, with a very definite time frame so as to protect the rights of the one who is already in a deficit.

Saturday I will be back and I cannot be sure if I can post then. Which is why Sunday sounds the most suitable for me.

Meanwhile, hang in there and keep doing the right things!

NS

Another point to ponder,

"No plan will work unless we act upon it"

NS

salaams

thanks NS. i hope u and ur hubby have a wonderful trip this weekend. and i will think abt the points u have mentioned. i will hang in there, Insha allah

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem.

Goal: To get your rights as ordained by Allah from your husband while establishing a harmonious relationship with him and the rest of the family.

Step 1: Ceasefire                                                                        2 Weeks to 2 months

Step back from the conflict and let everyone have a breather.

Make a background where this issue takes a backstage temporarily.

Establish sources of support

Create a loving and peaceful atmosphere at home.

Step2: Evaluate the past.                                                        1 week                                                                                                    

The past reveals many things about a person. And by facing how good or bad we dealt with issues in the past, we can try not to repeat the mistakes in the future. This is a hard step as it involves being truthful about our ownselves

Make very brief bio graph, assess it personally and with others (family/forum).

Step3: List expectations                                                          1 week

Expectations are tangible, with time frames (eg I need to be able to call my husband anytime even at his wifes house, timeframe is 3 months, and you will work to achieve the goal in 3 months AND recognition as the second wife in 2 weeks time AND having 3 nights a week and one weekend a month in 6 months from now.

Expectations are written down with copies, to hand out to the husband and the mediator.

Expectations are to be reviewed everyday.

Step4: Take stock                                                                 1 week

Review your assets: financial, social and personal.

Step5: Evaluate your choices and list the pros and cons of each choice       2 weeks

1)     Live in the present style: You are losing your rights BUT you are kind of satisfied because this is your comfort zone and changing your attitude is hard to do.

2)     Divorce: Though it will be easy to do and you can break free of the struggle going on right now, will you be able to deal with some of the issues later on. You have to see that you have had difficulty in dealing with your ex-husband.

3)     Change your life so that it gets better: This is hard; it depends on your willingness to change some personal attitudes. Also your husband�s behavior has been questionable. And his first wife, it appears that she is really not ready to be in a polygamous marriage and your husband is playing to her tune.

Step6: Bring your husband to the table.                       1 month (will take more than 1 meeting)

He has to present his plan and you will hash it out with him.

Your husband, I don�t want to doubt him as I do not know him, is acting strangely. Does he really think that when the first wife goes back to the marital home, and finds out he was sneaking out to meet you all this time, she will not move out once again?

You need to be firm when you deal with him here, leave the love out of the room for this session!

If he shows seriousness about the whole thing, then you have some chances.

If he becomes evasive, then you have to think if you want to stick it out with him.

At this stage you will also know what your husband�s expectations are, and when he expects the issue to be resolved.

Your husband has some things to realize here. And pass them on to his wife too. As long as he is married to you, he has to be equal in the way he spends his time, if he does not, he is putting a lot at risk.

He appears to be scared of his first wife, well, it just appears. He has shown a lot of bravado when marrying you when she was against it and now he cannot show some strength when he comes out to meet you?

Step7: Make an offer                                                                         1 week

Give him time/support; have a realistic approach when doing this. Once you commit you will have to stick with it.

Have a witness and have a written record so that no one can go back on their word. You might lose a lot of time in arguments about who agreed to what later on.

Step 8: Give up some of your rights for the time being.                    8 months

You are not getting these rights presently anyways.

Islamically, your right is something like 2 nights for weeks of the month and 3 nights for the other 2 weeks of the month. PLUS two weekends.

You can start off like this 0-3months � 1 night a week

3-4 months-1 night a week + 1 weekend

4-6 Months-1 night a week+2 weekends

6-8 months-2nights +2 weekends

8-10 months- 2nightsfor 2 weeks and 3 nights for the other 2 weeks of the month, PLUS the 2 weekends��

You will have reached your goal by then, InshaAllah.

Dear Rookaiya,

All the above steps have rules and reasons for doing them. If you wish take it up, then I can elaborate when we come to each step and we can discuss with others on the forum.

Najamsahar

salaams

NS firstly i want to thank u sincerely for taking time to post this step by step action plan to me. i have rewritten cos i wanted to understand it thoroughly

hubby is coming over tonite cos he said we need to "talk". he keeps saying to me that he wants to fulfil my haqq but i dnt knwo waht stops him

so when he comes over, i will just listen to waht he has to say and i will tell him that i will think about whatever hes proposing

i wont comment as im still on step one, which is cease fire and my 2 weeks ends next week, Insha Allah

i will keep u posted of events as they unfold

NS may Allah SWA reward u for all the advise and guidance that u provide for people on this forum

and also id like to thank u for Dua Equnoot and the english translation next to it on the witr post. U are truly an incredible human being NS

W'salam

Praise is due to Allah.

NS

salaams

hubby couldnt come last nite as he had to attend a funeral after taraweeh. he did call to advise that he will come tonite, as he said that we need to talk. he seemed very friendly n non confrontational considering all the evil things ive said to him in the past

i guess he is a kind man cos i think another man given the nasty n evil things ive said would have surely given me 3 talaaqs by now n would have cut all ties with me.

anyways i dont know why im dwelling on the past. i need to learn to stay focused cos my mind often wanders

InshaAllah we will talk a lot about your husband when we come to phase 2, when we will take up the past.

But its really great that you are doing things to step up in the plan. You will notice a difference inshaAllah.

Dont feel bad or low. Any other woman in your place would also have left if she was treated with disrespect like you are being  treated.

You are saying nasty things because you cannot control your emotions.

The one who can control his/her emotions control their life. If a person cannot control their emotions, they will start being controlled by others.

NS

salaams

is it sehri time in Saudi now. cos im at work and the time now is 11h45 am. just curious.

W'salaam

Sorry I logged off after I posted the message.

When I posted the message, it was around 12 Noon, Kingdom time. Longitudinally, Saudi Arabia and South Africa are  not far apart I guess. we are three hours ahead of GMT.

Sehri ends at 5 AM with the fajr salat.

I am starting a new thread, maybe we can see how everyone else on the forum is spending their Ramadhan.

NS

salaams NS

in case u and the others are wondering abt me and y im  so quiet lately, well the answer is that im stuck in phase one. i have started and stopped this phase for a month now. i cant seem to see the 10 day thing through. the most i did at one time was 6 days. and that took a lot out of me

im not giving up however. yesterday i started again and im on day 2 now. insha allah this time i will follow through.

at the same time im busy preparing for my exams and i dont have much time to log on here

once again thanks for the support and words of encouragement .

i hope everyone here is well and that u guys all had a wonderful Eid

salaams

salaams NS

just to give u some feedback

im now on day 7 of the 10 day thingy. Alhamdulillah this time is tuck to my guns and didnt cal or text hubby. instead on day 4 he called me to ask how i was doing

on day 5 he came over unannounced and to his diappointment i wasnt home. he went crazy n called me on my mobile which was off. the next morning he was oustside my door at 4am knocking for me to let him in

ive come to realise that i dont need to force anyone to do anything that they dont want to do. on my side ive done all i could and im now focusing on work, my studies and the kids. if  he and i are meant to be together then it will happen by the will of Allah. i cant force it to happen

it took me a long time to get to this place and i hope i can remain at this place n not go back to my old ways of trying to force things to happen. thanks everyone for all the moral support. and thanks NS for taking time to give me that step by step guide. i have made a copy for future reference, should i need it someday.

ive also started a blog where i vent out about my feeelings and all the stuff ive been through. u can find it under this name    http://frompolygamytosinglemom.blogspot.com - http://frompolygamytosinglemom.blogspot.com  

Dear Rookaiya

Salamaleikum

Sorry for the late response. I am in the US on our annual vacation and we are living in our own home. This means avoiding the cost and inconvenience of a hotel but I do not have a phone line to connect to the internet, just a cell phone. Also we did not subscribe to any cable or wireless service to avoid the costs, 1 USD means 4 riyals so everything is a bit tight.

Anyways, nice to see that things are going well for you. From the last post, your goals seem to have changed. As long as this gives you peace, and you think this is the best choice for your kids and you, I wish you well and will keep praying for you.

Lastly, lets keep in touch, it was great to hear how you are fighting your battles.

Najamsahar.

salaams NS

great to hear from u. i will keep u posted and thanks for all the support u gave me during my darkest moments. may Allah reward u abundantly for that

salaams NS

just wanted to give u and others feedback here. this issue has now been resolved alhamdulilah. thanks for all the advise. Allah SWA indeed answered my prayers and im happy to say that my hubby is now fulfiling my haqq. its not easy as his first wife is not too thrilled about it, but thats the situation. hes spliting his time equally between us both. 2 days with her n 2 days with me.  insha allah with time things will get easier especially for his first wife.

asalamu alaikum

i will suggest to hubby that we see our local imam in january next year. this thing has been going on for too long now. so many broken promises. hes promised me so many times that he will fulfil my haqq n he does for a while. once he gets pressure from his first wife, he then pulls back n starts neglecting me again, giving me one excuse after the next.

i think an unbiased opinion form a learned scholar is exaclty what the 3 of us need to co exist under these circumstances.