The duties of Men (My personal view)

I just forget to point out one more thing, what about your children not having a daddy. I never did have one, many questions about my gender identity was not answered well...and remain certain confusions. would you want your children to be fatherless too? I applaud you for protecting the community and risking your life for others but shouldn't there be certain sacrifices you have to make for your family as well...as in you been alive for your children's graduation and not having your wife everyday praying that you come home alive. Many women I hear in the radio show hosts who knew what they were getting themselves into when they married police officer's but it still doesn't change the fact they live a stressful life and counting the minutes that their husbands come back home alive.  Perhaps you should think of it in ALL angles before getting married. My thought on the matter perhaps I am irrational.

According to The Quran (from what I understand) a woman is not required to earn money to help support the household.

From my take on the discussion there is the �ideal� and the practical realities of life. None of us know what the future holds for each of us. One of us could die tomorrow. How many people are married and face that uncertain reality of what will happen to the family if one spouse dies, gets a terrible illness or be comes incapacitated for some reason.

The reality for MANY women throughout the world is that they are very dependent upon others. How many women stay with their abusive spouse for economic reasons? Happens all the time. In addition to education people need practical job skills. What happened here in west is women who are married, stayed at home, took care of kids. Husband up and left them in their mid-life crisis. These women were in BIG trouble. They suddenly found themselves without either education, job experience or both. Their options were extremely limited. They often end up in poverty. That is why the big push for women to be more economically capable of taking care of themselves. Yes working at home and taking care of your family is wonderful and important. The reality is that the rest of the world does not see it that way. Of course it is not right. But that is the way it is.

I remember reading this heart-wrenching story of this woman, stay at home woman. She is from Afganistan living as a refugee in Pakistan. Her husband lost his legs in the war. She had no means to support her family.  What must that sense of helplessness be like?

I think that wanting your wife to be able to be better take care of herself in a case of emergency is a great thing.  This is one way to, in the long run, help your wife. Is to not allow her to be stuck. Yes having a stockpile of money is a great thing and not always possible. Education and job skills are the best security in this day and age. Unless you are extremely wealthy of course�

Wanting to live a decent comfortable life is not a bad thing. Each family must determine what that means to them. It may then require that you hold off having kids for a bit. Or maybe not having any kids (if both agree). You should definitely find someone who shares the same goals you do. Many women in states would like to find someone who wants their spouse to work. You just need to find a strong woman. Not everyone could handle being the wife of a police officer. Others do fine.

Just find a good woman that meets your needs and you meet hers.

Finding a wife/husband that shares your dreams and wishes for the family is very important Israfil.  But, you shouldn't look down on a woman because she wants to be at home with her children. 

I would like to make an example of my mother.  She chose to be a stay at home mother.  She spent a good portion of her day playing with us as kids, reading to us, teaching us our letters and numbers. (by Us, I mean my sister and I)  We did not have cable, only 3 stations that came in on the rabbit ears.  I remember doing crafts with her and helping her around the house before my father came home.  Picking up our toys and such. 

When my brother came along, there were many changes.  My father bought a bigger house, we had more chores.  But, he could still afford to make all the payments himself.  He was Union and had great insurance.  Then he fell while working on the Pittsburgh Children's Hospital.  His injury robbed the family of his very good income.  He went on disability for about 18 months.  During this time, My mother stepped out of the house and took over the duty of the employed.  My father did what he could around the house, but he never played the learning games with my brother that had been done for my sister and I.  He helped potty train my brother and I took over the heavy chores of cutting grass and carting laundry up and down the stairs.  The family worked together as a unit. 

When my father returned to work for the insurance company he works for, there was a lot of debt.  My mother and father realized they would not be able to pay for my education without her working.  So, she went to school and became a nurse.  This too required alot of sacrifice, but my father worked long hours, so the majority of the housework fell to us children.

Now, the point of the story.  I graduated 7th in my high school class, my sister was in the top 20 of hers.  My brother almost did not graduate.  He could barely read an adult novel at age 15, where my sister and I were reading adult books by age 10.  My sister and I attended college.  My brother did not and will not.  My sister and I hold professional jobs.  My brother is working in a factory.  My sister and I are deeply spiritual people.  My brother hasn't seen the inside of a church (save weddings and funerals) in 10 years. 

Why????  I fully and wholeheartedly believe its because Cristy and I had a mother, at home with us during those crucial years and Tim did not.  My mother did what was necessary for the family, when it was needed she left the home and entered the work place, however, there was one member of the family that suffered.  My baby brother.  Had no accident happened with my father, no debt would have mounted.  All would have been fine.  We could not have foreseen the events of that fall in 1989.  But, that three year old on the floor was not part of the decision making process and his voice was never heard.

You want your wife to work.  That's good, what it seems is you want her to be able to step up to the plate like my mother did.  You'll be working long hours like my father.  You won't be able to do what my mother did for us.  So, I want you to listen in your heart to the voice of the 3 year old on the floor in 1989.  Or more likely the 20 year old young man who's lost, in 2006.  Think about your own sons and wonder if its better to have a wife willing to work but doesn't, or a wife who's required to work but doesn't need to do it.

Happiness isn't a 5 bedroom house in the burbs, two new cars and a boat. 

Happiness is spending Saturday at the Zoo with your dad, mom and siblings.  Or having a picnic on Sunday on the shore of a lake.  Or reading a scary book by candle light when the power goes out.  Or the first time your mother goes out and leaves all the kids alone with father, they conspire to make her laugh and when she walks through the door, father is tied to the chair and the children are dancing around him like little indians. 

50/50 is a matter of opinion.  Yes, there are plenty of women who work and raise families....but look at the family unit.  No family meals, no time together.  Kids are glued to the TV, Xbox, or computer.  Kids are getting into drugs, having premarital sex and gangs.  With both parents out of the house for a 8 hour work days plus commuting time, this leaves most kids at daycare, babysitters and/or unattended several hours in a day.

The 50/50 relationship in America is actually hurting families.  Its not about traditional vs modern or religious vs reality.  The reality is that our children are suffering and its because they do not have the personal attention they require to blossom. 

I spent a large portion of my life as a "feminist", I am still very much a feminist when it comes to certain things.  I am in no way in favor of the sort of life that is forced on women in many countries.  I think you are also guilty of what your accusing us of doing.  You aren't seeing what we are saying. 

Many of us are speaking from experience Israfil.  I know you are young and there is much in your life you are looking forward to being able to do.  I just want you to try very hard to look at both sides of the issue and don't reject the "traditional" family set up because you're a modern american.

I know you are someone who trusts experts.  Perhaps you should do some research on child development in both types of households?