My brother left islam because....

Assalmau Alaikum

I know I am not a brother; however, I find threads regarding issues of marriage concerning reverts of interest to me since I�m a revert; so, Inshallah, you brothers, especially Brother msmashaAllah, will not mind my posting here. 

I truly believe that Br. Rami's comment is exactly right.  If one leave Islam simply because they don't get what they want when they wanted it, then it is obvious there was something wrong with their deen.  Sura 2, Ayat 177, states that the righteous are patient no matter what happens.  Allah promised we will be tested and it is possible that not finding someone to marry right a way was simply a test for your friend.  Islam is not about submitting our will to Allah only to get what we want, only when we get what we want or only as we prefer to do so.  We submit our will to Allah because that is what He commands of us and we submit our will to Him in the manner He commands us.  That is, submitting to the Will of Allah means that we suppress our own will because we know and accept that Allah knows what is best for us.  This doesn�t imply it will be easy to do so, at least not 100% of the time; however, we do our utmost best to do so 100% of the time.   

There are difficulties in being a revert in North American for a number of reasons with one of the bigger difficulties being the issue of marriage.  It is clear in the Qur�an that Allah didn�t mean for us to live out our lives without a partner.  Allah made us in pairs so that we could be married living a halal life instead of a sinfully life outside of the bonds of marriage.  Married life brings a unique balance between a man and a woman through the fulfilling of their duties.  Allah says that a husband and wife are a comfort for each other; each is a garment for the other.  Marriage also provides spiritual rewards and helps the couple complete fulfill their deen.  That is why the best partner is always the one who is strong in their faith through Islam.

Personally, I believe it is wrong for any person regardless of is race, ethnic group, culture, or even age to refuse marriage based upon those things which the Prophet (pbuh) said were not the important issues in finding a marriage partner.  The Prophet (pbuh) clearly stated that if we chose a partner for other than the quality of their deen, then we will be loser.  How can I claim the Prophet (pbuh) is wrong by stating that some other issue such as culture or race is more important than deen?  I can�t.

So, the issue should be how to find a partner who has a strong deen.  If your friend was refused by some sister because he was African American, or because he is a revert, then they were judging his ability to be a good Islam partner based upon the wrong things.  Also, if he has tattoos from before he reverted, then having them should not be hold against him.  If Allah forgives and purifies a revert through the taking of Shahadah, then NO ONE, has the right to hold his/her past against them.  All of his past sins are whipped away but he keeps all of is good deeds.  I know this might sound a bit strange, but I think your friend was actually blessed because Allah showed him that the deen of these sisters may not be so great if they are refusing marriage based upon race, culture or whether or not he was raised in a Muslim home.  I know for a fact that being raised in a �Muslim� home does not guarantee that a person has a strong deen or that being a revert is any indication that one�s deen may be lacking.  We are commanded to marry, love and care for our parent by doing our duties as commanded by Allah for the sake of Allah.  Not for the sake of having this, that or the other in this material world we live in.  If we marry someone with a good deen, we know that they will fulfill their duties because they love Allah above all things so we know they will be a good partner to and for us because they know not being a good partner would not be pleasing to Allah, and this is not acceptable to them.

The Prophet (pbuh) provided us with such a wonderful example of marriage.  His first marriage to Khadija was such a blessed union full of love, compassion, comfort and support for both of them.  Although Islam was not revealed to the Prophet (pbuh) until after they were married, there marriage was a perfect example of a couple living a life in Islam.  Khadija chose Muhammad (pbuh) because he was a pious man, and he loved her deeply all of his life because she was a true example of one who gives their all for Islam.  She never questioned his status as a spiritual leader, in fact, she was the first revert.  She spend her life taking care of him along with giving to the poor, the children the elderly, the women in need and anyone else who was in need.  She was the epitome of what it means to give Zakat in Islam.  She was not only 15 years his senior, she was twice widowed.  However, their love for each other and their marriage was not based upon anything other than their strong desire to please Allah which requires two people who have strong deens.

All of the Prophet�s (pbuh) other marriages are good examples too; examples which show us that race, culture, age, prior marital status, social status, outer appearance, wealth, and so forth (even fertility) are not what we should focus on when we look for a partner in marriage.  The sad fact is that we live in a world where so much emphasis is placed on culture, traditions, material worth, social status, outward appearances and what we want instead of what Allah has prescribed and knows is best for us.  In fact, it appears that the Ummah may be suffering in part from the consequences of such actions and attitudes regarding marriage.  That is, are Muslims setting themselves up as losers by not following Allah�s command and the example of the Prophet (pbuh) regarding marriage?  If so, how does this affect the Ummah?  I have personally seen many Muslim marriage that are suffering from the same problem that non-Muslim marriages suffer from because they are based upon standards that are not Islamic-ly correct.  Just some food for thought. 

What we should be asking ourselves when we are looking for a marriage parent is �How can I come to know the quality of this person�s deen?�  And we should pursue finding the answer to this question in a way that is Islamic-ly okay to do so.  I�m not trying to say that it is a simply thing to do.  I know that in North American it might be quite difficult in fact.  I, for one, do not have a local Ummah.  I know there are some Muslims who live here because I have seen them in the super market; however, there is no Mosque so it is very difficult meeting them.  I once went up to a sister and said �Assalamu Alaikum� (which by the way I can say very well Alhamdulillah) and I thought she was going to faint from shock.  She muttered a weak �Salam� and turned away from me.  I�m not trying to say something bad about this sister because I truly think she was simply shocked to see a non-Arabic person in our town saying �Assalamu Alaikum� and it is possible that she didn�t speak English. 

Seeing that I don�t spend a lot of time away from home because I don�t just �hang out� and do things that are unnecessary outside of my home since I reverted, it simply seems like an impossible situation for finding a partner.  If I wanted to live in a Muslim community where it might be more likely be to find a husband, I would have to move to an Islamic community where I would be living alone.  That in itself is problematic because I think many Muslims would look down on a sister living alone, especially somewhere that she had no family close by.  Once I went to an Islamic chat room on-line and to say the less, once was more than enough for me.  I wasn�t even able to post a �Salam� before I was bombarded by men from all over the world trying to start private chats with me.  OMA, it was a nightmare; a lesson immediately learned to say the least.  Even Islamic marriage sites seem to be filled with individuals whose reasons for looking for a spouse are less than Islamic-ly correct.  At about the same time I tried the Islamic chat room, I browsed through the IC Marriage site and to be honest, I was rather shocked at what I saw.  I closed that sight knowing that I would never return and that that simply was not an option for me.

I am sure there may be many North American Muslims who have experienced situations similar to mine with the same frustrations that I have experienced.  It is difficult to resign oneself to a life without marriage in a religion that sets a high standard (and rightfully so) regarding coupledom.  So, yes, I can relate to your brother in some respects; however, I would never give up my deen simply because I could not find a husband.  Allah will always come first for me no matter what plan He has for my life.  Living a single life with Allah in it is better than living a married life without Allah.  There simply is no comparison.  Inshallah you friend will come to understand this truth as well.

With respect to your question about choosing between and African American person and a blond haired, blue eyed person (I know you were asking the guys but I will give you my point of view, Inshallah it will be helpful), as I said before, I would want the one with the best deen because I know if a person has a good deen, they will be a good partner; however, if I chose based on the color of someone�s hair or eyes or skin, then I put their deen (if they have one) as something less important, which in essence means that I put the importance of having Allah in my marriage at a level of importance that falls short of the status Allah wants His servants to place it.  I truly don�t want that in my life because to me, serving Allah must come first no matter what else I do or do not have in my life.

Allah Hafiz

Sister Khadija

msmashaAllah wrote: No it is not right that he left islam for the nation because of someone refusing him, but did I say that this was his 8 engagement and need words of encouragement and all he got was rejection and negative things like oh your deen is not strong enough instead of brother things will be okay, would you like me to fast with you, what wrong with muslims!!!!

His 8th engagement ?? is that correct.

If that is the responses he got, I'd say the girls' have got higher expectations, I think they need to lower it a bit.

I'd say the problem does not lay with your brother but the girls.

As' Salaamu Alaikum

Unlike most people here I understand the brother's frustration however I do not share his action in leaving Islam. First and foremost for one to convert to any religious organization it must be done with the intention for spiritual fulfillment, not for marital gratification. Althought marriage is part of our religious observation it should not be used as the sole reason for converting to Islam nor should a woman or a man convert to any religious because the other party wants them to, it makes it not sincere if this is done.

Regarding the brothers rejection as I have said before I understand his frustration. I disagree with Megatron that It is perfectly fine to reject someone because of a different culture no that is wrong in my opinion. The criteria of marriage which the prophet has laid down did not mention anything having to do with race, however everything about marriage has something to do with piety. Many immigrants tend to use the excuse that cultural preference is pefectly fine and usually 1st generation parents ionstill such an ideology in their children. Most of their cultural philosophies creats an isolation among other cultures which inevitably can create racism or stereotypical beliefs.

Not saying all cultures do this but if you instill philosophies of this kind in your children for example :Only marry your own kind this eventually will create a gap. This eventually will keep other humans from knowing what other cultures are like and this eventually sends a bad message. A Muslim man be it white or black is a Muslim one who serves God hence when parents teach their children the criterion of marriage they should not include "He or she must be of our culture." I'm sure many people would use the argument that sometimes intermixing cultures will clash because one is different than the other, but one thing about love and marriage is that the two parties involve will make a compromise and understand those differences and see past them.

Unfortunately in our society we have Muslims who are culturally Muslim rather than spiritually Muslim. This brother has the short end of the stick as well as myself. What I would encourage this brother to do is to move on and find another woman. However I encourage this brother to not look for a woman by her race first, rather the search should start with "I want a good, educated woman...."

Unfortunately our Ummah is not exclusive to racism or as many have you said cultural preference. It's sad that the latter is found acceptable especially in our religion. Especially when the prophet said the best are those who are pious and observant to the laws of God. Alas we will always continue to struggle in ignorance because we think this low.