The duties of Men (My personal view)

Salaam,

I hope this find all of you well. I wanted to make a seperate topic because I didn't want to take away from Moona's original question and if I contributed to that I apologize to sister Moona. I hope you (Muslimah's and people of the forum) will read clearly and respond to me in accordance of my words here rather interpret what you may think I'm referring to. Let me first say that there should be no circular explanations here in regards to the duties of men. I read the Qur'an serveral times over and have studied it in school and on my own personal time so I'm quite aware of the iplications of 'important verses' this including the duties of men.

My Position

I believe that a Muslim man in the faith of Islam has one of the greatest duties which is to be the provider of his family. He is the protector and trustee of his wife and partner and father of his children. He, like the wife is the example is which the children will see as models and will feed of the knowledge that he (the father) will teach them. With respect to this I understand the Qur'an is clear on the specific duties of men and although this is aparrent it is not always possible in every case.

For instance I noticed none of you members ever used an example of a Muslim Law Enforcement official either you guys don't know any or perhaps don't truly understand. I'm in a unique position here. I'm going to be done with the Academy soon and already have a station where I will be working. It is in my future at the station I will be working almost 50-55 hours per week this including overtime because I'm a "rookie" because rookies normally don't have "say so's" on what hours they want to work even with aset schedule. This is usually the first 6 months because I'm in probation and plus I need to pass my requirements as a rookie with several of my TO's (Training Officer).

This is really not the point because I know several guys now in the Academy who have wives at home and they have already made planning arrangements so this is not the issue, the issue is the independence of a woman. Let me be clear that I think the coment made by sister Mishmish when she said I wouldn' except a woman who believes its her right to stay at home is wrong. First off any good woman regardless what religion understands that if she loves her husband there would be some grounds for compromise first off. I want a woman who understands the dangers of my job. If I ever become incapacited or killed what will my wife do?

I want you guys to contemplate rather react emotionally and thump me over the head with Qur'an for a moment. Let us assume I have children and we live in a house and our mortage payments are $2500 per/month plus other expenses and let's say my wife does work to try to support her children what will she do? She will obviously work but she will have a difficult time because she is not only supporting herself, but the children as well as the house. She could move of course but even still the road to stability will be difficult. What I'm saying here is that I want a woman who understands herself and her capbilities but I also want a woman who also understands and knows that my life is temporal and its a possibility I may not come home.

This is not some job where there is no immediate threat like a Pharmecutical Tech, or a sit at home Mother or a Banker. I'm literally putting my life on the line to save each and every one of you (those in California at least) every single day. I need a woman to understand that and accept that reality. This is why I would want my wife to work because in the event that happens she can atleast manage the financial aspect and have the means to manage herself.

I know some of you would like to use the duties of men in accordance to the Qur'an to prove a point to me. No need. There are things in the Qur'an that we should do, must do and some we cannot always do. For instance we should judge judge each other on piety not culture, we must believe in God's Oneness but we don't always work our life around God's mandate on the duties of a Muslim family.

I feel some of the women here thumb their noses at me at the fact that I believe this. Well if women in Islam cannot understand my point then that is why I may feel that maybe being with a Muslim woman is not in my destiny. The hard part about finding good people is that there are not a lot and I don't feel like someone lecturing e about what I should do especially when my job is so dangerous and my life is always at an immediate threat. None of you will go what I will go through so in actuality, none of you can basically tell me "Women have this and that right and as a man I should understand that."

I feel that it would selfishness on a woman's aspect to think first about herself and what she can get out of a marriage rather than think about "family." It's funny that non-muslim women are on the same page as I am with this respect as well as some Muslim women I know. Some Muslim women do work because they understand that even to manage a simple lifestyle here is difficult. Some work because of cultural reasons because their families push them to be doctors or lawyers. Not like what Mishmish says "because they want to." Some Muslim women work because as immigrants their community forbade them to work.

One reality of our religion is that it is very much patriarchal and very much culturally influenced. but noting these particulars would be, besides the point. I'm not saying a woman should work hard hard and hard like me but at least even in partial, contribute financially. Not only does this teach independence (trust me in my life as of now I know some women raised to be dependent so not all women understand independence) but it also teaches interdependence because in relationships I feel that both the man and the woman should be equal partners. I hope you guys understand my position here and not may sweeping judgements in thinking that I think women should do this opr that but understand my opinion in respec with my career.

I'd like to here a reasonable argument from any of you women and men since many of you have opinions about what I should do. Knowing about my job now do you think I should let a woman stay home? If so, why? If not why? Knowing my situation as a cop do you think I'm wrong to believe this? I know to some of you I'm a "little brother" and whatever and to that I'm sure my respect level is low but honestly I'd like to hear (or in this case read) what you have to say.

 

 

Well said Mishmish. I would like to add that even during the time when Quran was being revealed, The Prophet(saw) and his companions went for wars. All of them were at risk of dying. Many of them died. Were the women commanded to work? No, the men, the society took care of them. Again, it isn't wrong for her to work. Especially today, when there is no society like in the time of Prophet (saw), which was the best of all societies. Women may have to work....so they should be educated and prepared. But "wanting" your wife to work is an entirely different thing...

Besides brother, earlier you gave a different reason for you wanting your wife to work, ie, to meet expenses, now you talk about her working after (Allah forbid) your death.

I can only pray for you brother, I sincerely wish Allah protects you and blesses you.

No offence...wassalaam...

As-Salaam Alaiukum,

Israfil, I understand what you are saying.  My cousin is also a cop in California.  Two years ago he got into a gunfight with a criminal, and my cousin shot the criminal.  All of us was worried.  I mean he could've been shot and killed.  So I understand your point.  But, if you are concerned about how your future wife will handle herself financially you can set up some kind of fund that can help your wife financially if something were to happen to you.  I know that the money may not last forever but at least it will give her a little boost.  I know having life insurance is one good way.  My cousin is doing this for his wife and children.  His wife is a stay at home mother for now, but if something were to happen to him "TODAY" she does have something to fall back on.  She can go back to teaching school again.  She was a school teacher before she had her third child two years ago and decided to take a little break.  So I would just ask around.  I know the police department offer good benefits so I would just ask around.  Plus you are still young.  At least you have a chance to move around in the department, and make more money. Don't worry so much.  Just pray to Allah that he will provide for you, your future wife and children.

Hakeema  

Edited by hakeema

Assalamu Alaikum:

Women don't have to work to have a fulfilling, independent life. Having a full time career can actually keep you from fulfilling many of your goals in life.

I understand what you are saying Brother Israfil. You are looking for a wife that can take care of herself and any children you may have on her own. But if you expect that of your wife, shouldn't she expect that of you? Shouldn't you expect that of yourself?

Besides, what if you get married, have children, and your wife were to die? What would you do then? You'd have yourself, children, and only one income.