Assalamu alaikum sisters and brothers,

I wasn't quite sure where to post this, but decided here would be O.K.  I think perhaps, only brand new Muslims read the "new Muslims" board and I need advice from anyone who might have some - anyway...

I know there are many reverts on the board.  I was wondering if anybody has any useful suggestions on how to deal with non-Muslim parents who do not accept that you are Muslim.

I have been a Muslim for many years, but still, my parents deny anything to do with it.  They hate that I am a Muslim, they hate that I wear hijab, they despise that I changed my name, they hate everything about my being a Muslim to the point that they pretend it isn't so.

They treat me with the barest civility, which is not the part that hurts, we were never all that close.  I try my best to be as good and kind to them as I can, as this is what Allah demands.  It's the little hurts that bother me the most. 

They never call me by my correct name (after all these years I've given up on trying to change that, though it hurts me everytime they call me by my 'other' name).  They almost always serve pork when my husband and I are invited to eat there.  Though I've told my mother umpteem times that I can't eat off of silver, she always "forgets" to put out a regular place setting for me.

When ever I have managed to voice something Muslims believe, my mother calls it stupid, or says things like, "I don't think God would want us to do that (or not do that)".  My parents quickly dismiss what I say or change the subject whenever it is about Islam.

I could go on and on, but will spare you from being bored to death!  My purpose is not to complain about my parents, but to get some help in dealing with their denial.

The thing is, though I have tried and tried, they do not wish to talk to me about religion.  They don't want to hear about Islam, or why I became a Muslim.  They don't want to hear about my beliefs or why I do or do not do certain things. 

It's as if, in their denial, they pretend that nothing has changed, that I am not standing there in hijab, that I am not anything but what they wish I were.

On top of this are the problems of their "values" in opposition to mine.  For example, my family all drink alcohol at every gathering.  They love to talk about sex, gambling and drinking.  They use a lot of "swear" words I find offensive. When I am with them, I feel so out of place!

I know it is forbidden to break the ties of kinship.  I wouldn't want to, really.  Any suggestions on how to deal with my family, especially my parents? 

Lately, I have settled on accepting things as they are, always asking Allah to give me patience to deal with them, always trying to be kind.  Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite though, because my inner thoughts and feelings toward them are so very strained. 

My parents are getting quite old.  I feel it would be a shame if they died before I could help them come to terms with who and what I am.  Any thoughts on this?  (By the way, my parents are Catholics, though not particularly religious.)

Peace, ummziba.

ron75 wrote: Sorry about your experiences, but to keep things in perspective, those individuals that leave Islam from Christianity usually face far worse reactions from their family those would leave Christianity for Islam.

to put it bluntly, ron, who cares? this thread is to help Muslims deal with their problems, not for people like you to pontificate.

Assalaamu alaikum

Peace Sister Ummziba,

& welcome Aisha, I hope you enjoy & learn from your stay here (I sent you a PM welcoming you, as I did not know if you would return to this thread)�..

Sorry to hear of your difficulties Ummziba, I can sympathise only too well, seen as though I am cooped up here with my parents, who are also not Muslim.

My conversations regarding Islam are equally unappreciated, hence I have turned to my creative talents to try to open up my parents (& the rest of my family). I do not even mention Islam much anymore, rather I covertly use techniques designed to help them appreciate Allah (SWT) in all His Glory�..

A brief example of this is something I tried with my father, during his �mid-life crisis� he took up hobbies including art & photography. I consciously try to communicate on his level, using things he likes as a platform to get him thinking��.

I asked him about the fact that, if he were to take a photograph of the night sky, the photo would not pick up the stars in the sky, due to the limitations of cameras (ie the requirement for the long time exposure, needed to pick up the [distant] light from the stars).

I then asked why it is that, if we as human beings merely glanced at the night sky (ie a very brief exposure), we can still instantly see the stars?

Obviously I was trying to get him to realise how magnificent his sight is, and how supreme Allah�s creation is (our eye-sight), compared to man-made creations (ie a camera). His answer to the question, was a typical example of the conditioning he has been put through, as he stated (without much thought): �I don�t know, a physicist could probably tell you�. Doh!

In other words, he assumes (as many do) scientists have all the answers!!!

Ummziba maybe your parents are a bit freaked out, & cannot handle the fact that you have changed, and are now not as (blindly) accepting of their values. Maybe when you visit them you could remove your Hijab when in the house (you may already do so), showing them that you are still you, only the more improved version�.. just a suggestion.

Wasalaam

nadir    

ron75 wrote: Sorry about your experiences, but to keep things in perspective, those individuals that leave Islam from Christianity usually face far worse reactions from their family those would leave Christianity for Islam.

That depends more on the culture of the person, rather than religion. African, Arab and Indian non-muslims will act in the same way as Muslims over such matters. Muslims in Eastern Europe will act differently.

Yusuf. wrote: ron, your private message to me was deleted unopened, and I've blocked you from sending any more. If you don't have the character to state your opinions in the open, that's your problem.

No reply.

As I suspected, ron, it appears you do not have the character to discuss issues in the open.

During the negotiations of the Hudabuyia expedition, the Prophet (pbuh) signed his name "The Messenger of Allah". The enemy would not accept this. So, he crossed it out and signed "Son of Abdullah".

Assalamu alaikum,

I want to thank everyone who has given me advice in this thread.  Sometimes one needs to see things from someone else's perspective in order to see more clearly, all your input has helped me with that.

I guess I don't need my parents "approval" of my religion (or me for that matter, any more than I ever did).  I think it just irks me that they are so bigoted.  Of course I can't change them (and was foolish to think I could!), so I'll have to just take them as they are.

Peace, ummziba.

Bismillah,

I really thought that my family would at least acknowledge my holidays, put it on their calendars, call or send a card, but no.  For a couple of years I hinted that my kids would like Eed presents a month before the holiday, and they did get some small gifts and cards. 

This year, my dad gave presents to the kids on our holiday. (I think it was money, but that's the norm for him.)

If you have the time and energy, why don't you send them a Happy Eed card a week before the holiday to remind them?  You could send a small gift as well.

Thanks for reminding me why I want to go live in Jordan.  My kids deserve to have respect for their religion!  It's so nice to be around a lot of other people celebrating when you are.