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Help me

Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: General
Forum Name: General Discussion
Forum Description: General Discussion
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=43953
Printed Date: 28 March 2024 at 6:41pm
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Topic: Help me
Posted By: Fajrahmad13
Subject: Help me
Date Posted: 23 March 2019 at 3:50am
My dear brothers and sisters I am in a dire crisis of faith and identity. I have recently been released from the hospital after my 3rd suicide attempt. I was raised Christian but about 4 years ago took my shahada and embraced islam. I am here because I have deep mental and spiritual problems and I am sincerely seeking the advice of my beloved ummah. I am very depressed and anxious and possibly traumatized.

I am now 23 years old and since I was about 12 have been severely depressed and I have been anxious my whole life. At 12 I held a knife to my throat, at 19 I held a loaded gun to my head with the safety off, I have overdosed on medication 3 times in attempt to end my life since 2016 with the most recent being only a week ago. I am addicted to alcohol and marijuana. I am not happy with the state of my life and I am terrified of the day when I have to explain myself to Allah. I am so anxious that I once cried handing in a job application and have never been to a masjid even though there is a small one in my hometown. I am deeply afraid of new places and new people. When I was a child my younger step brother sexually assaulted me when we shared a room. I love my parents very much but they were both sometimes abusive to me both emotionally and physically. I do not claim to have had the worst life, but I have suffered.

I first heard of Islam from watching a documentary on Hajj in school and in my naivete and ignorance wondered if white people like me could be Muslim. I immediately felt a pull to this religion that I couldn't explain. People have asked me why I became Muslim and my answer is always that it just feels instinctively right.

Please bear with me as I fear you may not understand what I am about to say and it is taking a lot of strength to even come here with this issue, I am truly bearing my deepest secrets to you. When I began dating as a teenager I started to notice that I was somewhat jealous of my girlfriends and wished I could be pretty like them. I assumed I was a straight Male so these feelings deeply confused me. They only intensified as I got older. Regrettably I committed much zina during this time before I had faith and realized the consequences, I will not be graphic here but seeing the naked bodies of women made these confusing feelings of jealousy and sorrow even stronger. I wanted to be like them. I was terrified to tell anyone, I felt ashamed and broken so I kept it secret except to one girlfriend who I loved and trusted very deeply. When we broke up I was distraught. I was worried she would tell people and worse I had no one to discuss these things with. She was the only one I trusted with such secrets. I wanted to be a woman. This is difficult for me to even type.

Eventually i grew to be more comfortable with the idea until i accepted islam. Now things feel complicated and scary again. I dont know how to reconcile these feelings with my faith. And this fear is in no small part a contribution to my depression and anxiety. It's confusing, I am attracted to women, I don't have to worry about the crimes of the people of Lut, no matter my stance on those who do, but I feel like something in me won't be satisfied if I live my life as a man. Am I broken? Are these feelings the work of Shaytaan? Is this a trial from Allah? I dont know how to navigate this.

These confusions played a large part in the motivation behind my most recent suicide attempt. I want to be a believer, I want to be among the righteous on the day of Judgment but I am confused. Besides all this my addictions scare me. No matter how much I tell myself this is the last time I keep coming back I cant stop myself. I find myself walking to the store to buy alcohol thinking "I dont want to do this" but I keep walking. I feel weak willed and pathetic.

My mental illness makes it difficult to keep a job. I keep trying but I get so anxious that i try to hurt myself or make myself sick to avoid work. It's not that i want to be lazy, i am intelligent and good at every job I've had but i can't handle it after a certain amount of time. I've dropped out of college twice despite being an honors student when I was admitted. I feel like I've failed everything I've attempted as an adult, I cant even kill myself right. I can't tell if being alive is Allah's mercy or his punishment. Sometimes I can't even tell if I'm already in jahannam.

Please, you must think awful things of me but I am so desperate. In the deepest parts of my soul I want to please Allah, I want him to be happy with me. But I feel too weak to keep the path. I cant even stock shelves at a grocery store how can I please the lord of all the worlds? Please help me, I have nowhere else to turn but my ummah. I don't have any Muslim friends or family, I am all alone in my faith. I dont want to die in disbelief and sin but I feel unworthy of the deen. I feel unworthy of the life and mercy already granted to me. I believe shaytaan visited one of my dreams recently, I am so very afraid. Please help me brothers and sisters, I have no one but you and Allah.



Replies:
Posted By: taimursaeed
Date Posted: 20 May 2019 at 7:08am
It's a really hard state of affairs with you and I wish it could be easier. Please just be patient and constantly ask Allah for His help and forgiveness. Be sure that He knows what is going on inside your heart and is aware of your difficulties. Hold on to the rope of Allah in this difficulty and He will reward you for being patient Insha'Allah. I will also pray for you. Best wishes. Taimur Saeed


Posted By: NABA
Date Posted: 22 May 2019 at 4:29pm
Recite 5 time namaz,read Quran and ask for forgiveness,in Sha Allah,Allah will give you success in this world and hereafter


Posted By: Egyptienne
Date Posted: 08 June 2019 at 9:13am
First of all you have to believe you can do whatever you want if u desire, and the most important thing is quitting alcohol, it won’t happen in a short time, always ask god for help and do your best, no one is perfect including you, just do all what you can but don’t expect it to be done perfectly, the most important thing you should know is that God loves you, that’s y he chose you to become muslim, whenever you feel it’s hard for you to live just remember this fact, even if no human loves you, God loves u.
I wish you all the best, and I see you as a good person who seeks perfection and tries to fight his (nafs) because he fears Allah.


Posted By: tah701
Date Posted: 18 June 2019 at 5:17am
Ya Abdullah! Allah Will Forgive You, If U Give Up Everything. Tawbah Is The Best Way!


Posted By: Seekforhelp
Date Posted: 23 June 2019 at 5:12am
Please try to go here,
https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/misc/anonymous-posting-counselling-forum/281205-how-we-can-get-through-hardships-and-trials-in-our-lives" rel="nofollow - https://www.ummah.com/forum/forum/misc/anonymous-posting-counselling-forum/281205-how-we-can-get-through-hardships-and-trials-in-our-lives

the post there explain everything about tests and trials and how to think about them.
I hope Allah guides you and you stay safe and in the right path.

You can also find youtube videos by Nouman Ali Khan about tests abd trials and how to go through difficult times.


Posted By: HabibUrRehman
Date Posted: 25 July 2019 at 11:38am
Assalam o Alaikum Brother,

Other brothers have given you some good advice. In my opinion,you need some good Muslims friends around you. Try to go the mosque near your home and make some Muslim friends.

May Allah help you overcome your challenges in life. Ameen!


Posted By: muhammad_isa
Date Posted: 12 August 2019 at 3:17am
Originally posted by tah701 tah701 wrote:

Ya Abdullah! Allah Will Forgive You, If U Give Up Everything. Tawbah Is The Best Way!


I think I know what you mean, but you don't have to "give everything up" Tongue
..but on the subject of sex, it is a powerful force. satan comes to all of us in different ways.
It is not an issue until puberty .. then satan starts his attack and tries to corrupt us.

Fasting is one of the best ways of getting rid of evil thoughts.


Posted By: honeto
Date Posted: 09 October 2019 at 10:02am
Salam Alykum, 
we live in a very complicated world. And we are under constant pressures and influences from all sides. It is very easy to get imbalanced, stumble and fall, unless we are constantly remembering to ask help from Allah. 
In order to have a strong faith, we need to have a good understanding of why we are here, and where this life takes us. 
Your situation is very challenging and difficult. I sympathize with you and commend you for being able to making efforts to come out of it. 
First, I would suggest getting professional help and counseling for your condition. Depression and suicidal thought are real, and there is professional help that can be very crucial at such stage.
Second, draw closer to Allah, one on one, there is no better help and counsel then the direct source of all peace. It is a step by step process, read and understand the words of Allah on quite times of nights, just one on one. 
And remember, and I remind myself, the belief in accountability is what makes us to act right, take it serious. We all will face the consequences of our own actions, that alone should wake us up, if properly understood and believed.
I hope my words were of some help, may Allah help you, and help us all. There is not a single person on this earth that does not go thru tests and trials, even the prophets went thru them. We must seek Allah's help, as often as we breathe. 
May Allah help you, me and all who seek help from Him, Ameen.
Honeto


-------------
The friends of God will certainly have nothing to fear, nor will they be grieved. Al Quran 10:62



Posted By: Noor-e-hidayat
Date Posted: 10 October 2019 at 2:18am
Tawaoba is the best way bro ....ALLAH pak will forgive you ....Aameen


Posted By: Lunarious
Date Posted: 21 October 2019 at 4:47am
Brother.
I don't know if the gay stuff is real, generally. Because I have Asperger and they are intelligent although they have (my past) social problems. I've suffered alot to the degree seriously I upon a time asked Allah to give me anal sex between wake and sleep. And in morning I had forecum I saw.

When one hates himself sex is the only solution. In my mind weakness is feminine, including alcololism, and strength is masculine. My mother says when Allah loves a servent he causes him pain.

I think women should use mens perfume, and men womens but they don't. Actually they shouldn't.

You can add me at e-mail, [email protected] I'm not always available.


Posted By: islamidina
Date Posted: 23 October 2019 at 8:53pm
lirik sholawat ya tarim  http://www.islamidina.id" rel="nofollow - http://www.islamidina.id


Posted By: Tim the plumber
Date Posted: 29 October 2019 at 6:35am
Hi  Fajrahmad13,

You should try to find out what you are good at, work wise, and a hobby.

The 2 of them will mean that you know a lot about yourself. Just looking inward will never achieve anything.

So try to get a job. Anything will do. And do your best at it. That might result in you being crap and sacked even so. It happens. Still you then need to learn from it and get back to it.

The hobby is a lot less pressure. It needs to be not that important. Something that can go wrong, be thrown in the bin, have a stomp off and watch the TV and then do it again tomorrow, this time hopefully getting it right. 

There was a lady on here in a similar position to you. She found baking. Happy now. Probably fat, and probably married to a rapidly fattening man.

Good luck.


Posted By: ShawnDmi
Date Posted: 29 October 2019 at 7:35am
Originally posted by muhammad_isa muhammad_isa wrote:

Originally posted by tah701 tah701 wrote:

Ya Abdullah! Allah Will Forgive You, If U Give Up Everything. Tawbah Is The Best Way!


I think I know what you mean, but you don't have to "give everything up" Tongue
..but on the subject of sex, it is a powerful force. satan comes to all of us in different ways.
It is not an issue until puberty .. then satan starts his attack and tries to corrupt us.

Fasting is one of the best ways of getting rid of evil thoughts.

Agree with you about fasting, it is a real good idea.



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