Feeling Alone
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Forum Name: Groups : New Muslims
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URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=28699
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Topic: Feeling Alone
Posted By: akh2014
Subject: Feeling Alone
Date Posted: 25 April 2014 at 7:08pm
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My background: I finished my law degree in England (2007) and I currently live with my husband in the US (New Jersey). To cut a long story short, I am a convert. I don't use convert in the typical sense of the word - but merely a traditional sense. According to Islam (or my interpretation of it), every human being was born a muslim. In that regard, I was born a muslim but my parents (being of Sikh Indian origin) "converted" me to Sikhism. When I was 14 years old, I had a major interest in Islam. Initially, it was slight, but I began to get a little obsessive. At university, I was internally hoping some devotedly religious muslim man would somehow miraculously realize I was not a Sikh, help me with my "reversion" and marry me. I was so scared, and still am, of living this whole life a lie. Fast forward to today, I am married and I have a one year old daughter. However, my husband is Sikh. He is probably the nicest person I have ever met. That being said, he is not a muslim.
I have tried to indirectly tell him about my interest in Islam. He seems to have brushed it off. He is a lot older then me, so he merely thinks its part of my immature obsessions. Also, if I revert to Islam, I may risk losing my child (one of the grounds for divorce and child custody). I cannot stop thinking about Islam. I've done the silliest of things to convince myself Islam is not for me. For instance, I would drink a bottle of beer with my husband and his family; or walk around in mini skirts, knowing full well I would be stared down, left, right and center. My husband loves it, but I feel SUCH immense guilt afterwards. To tell you the truth, I am not quite sure why I am writing this. I think its because I want God (or someone) to tell me, jeez, I will help you revert to Islam. I will help convince your husband. I so badly need that support. I want my daughter to know what her mummy is, truly. On the flip side, I want my husband to embrace Islam. And, if he cannot, I will ask God to show me the true person for me. My biggest disappointment is that after 15 years, I still don't know how to read the Koran or perform prayer. Further, my insecurities towards embracing Islam is jeopardizing my future goals. I stalk other muslim attorney profiles in New York, trying to convince myself that one day I will be a muslim attorney. I studied Islamic Finance Law, but I can't seem to convince myself to tell others what I REALLY want to pursue in my life. If someone has an answer to all of this, please help me. |
Replies:
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 27 April 2014 at 8:07am
| Welcome to Islamicity, and what a completely fascinating story. In the early days of the religion of Islam there were people who had faith in Islam and kept it hidden. Also, those who secretly converted without revealing this to their family out of fear. Islam is to testify that you believe there is no god worthy of worship but the creator of the heavens and earth, and all that is between (Allah), and that Muhammad is His Prophet and Messenger. Go ahead and make this declaration and you will enter the fold of Islam. It isn't necessary to tell anyone about your conversion. You can then begin learning how to pray, and moreover, pray for your husband as well. I suggest that you also begin studying for the New Jersey Bar Exam, which will allow for having marketable skills should the need arise in the future. Take things one step at a time, but by all means be proactive, wise and deliberate. Concentrate more on the pursuit and acquisition of your goals and worry less about broadcasting or telling others. All the best to you, as you sound like a truly wonderful person. |
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 27 April 2014 at 11:20am
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If I may offer an alternative side to what you are feeling.
This may sound strange to some people..... When I was young I had 'Islamic qualities' such as disliking women who wear scantily clad dresses, going out partying, drinking etc etc. I believe many people outside of Islam feel this, and of course, the conviction that there is only ONE God. It seems to be very easy just to say the word 'convert' but most people do not know the hardship and turmoil this entails. The main thing, in my opinion, is that we fear very much what our family and friends may feel. It's like that we are somehow betraying them. As a former Christian I was taught to hate Muslims and Islam, and the funny thing was I never knew why until a few years ago. It's just people's perception of winning and losing. If you feel that your Creator is calling you then you must answer that call, whatever the consequences. For the sake of your salvation, for you to spend eternity with Him rather than spending eternity in hell fire. Sometimes some sacrifices have to be made in order to be happy and to please your Maker. Unfortunately one of those sacrifices may have to be the separation or divorce of your spouse. Allahu Alum! |
Posted By: ll0OoO0ll
Date Posted: 29 April 2014 at 3:08pm
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This is a testing situation; however, Allah does not put burden upon us more than what we can bear. We definitely don't want to shatter your family, your daughter is the utmost importance here, and as you have said it correctly, the ideal situation would be that your husband accepts Islam and Inshallah things will fall into the right place. So, First off, we never know when does the death take our soul away from this world so NEVER DIE NON-MUSLIM. As abuaiysha said, declare the shahada and become a believer. Practice whatever Islamic things you can and don't make it too hard on yourself as it's the beginning, and keep doing the good deeds to even out with the mistakes. The goal is, if you leave this world unplanned and unscheduled, you take the emaan in your heart with you Insha-allah. The biggest challenge you will have now is the Unislamic jurisprudence of being a Muslim female married to a non-Muslim. This is definitely a big No, No. So to counter that you will need to either start a direct (and very polite) talk to your husband, OR make a plan. Option 1. Here is what I think of a plan. Find a good female Muslim friend who is married. Share you situation and story with her and plan to invite her family to your home as often as your can, and also take your family to her home as much as possible. Her husband has to be part of the plan. The idea is to get your husband more exposed to inside of an Islamic family environment and values so he may appreciate the good things (dress code - prayers - good manners - no alcohol - respect for parents - worshiping one God etc), it is also VERY important that you keep praying to Allah for your husband to be accepted in Islam. Once your husband is more comfortable in the Islamic environment, perhaps then you can start talking to him by appreciating the Islamic values and manners - who knows if Allah opens up his heart. So in this way, you actually played your part and you tried your best. If it doesn't happen then perhaps you can tell him that you want to become a Muslim, what are your thoughts? If he is ready to become a Muslim just to stay with you, even then you don't lose hope and start working on him by taking the kid to mosque and getting him along with you. Who knows if Masjid's environment and getting social with other Muslims opens up his heart? If he is not ready at all then you will have to take the inevitable step and part your ways by trusting Allah. Inshallah Allah will bless you with an even better situation. But if you just shun him then he will never get a chance of getting dawah (invitation to Islam) from you. So the idea is, you played your part, you did your effort and you did dua for him - it's now up to Allah whether Allah gives him Hidayah or not. We will also pray for you and him, and Inshallah only good will come out of it. I am in NY and it's a little far for our families to get social or else I would have had you talk to my wife to make this plan. You both would have been a good match to each other as she is a physician and you are a lawyer - aren't we husbands the lucky one here? lol haha :) But yes, I do have a good friend who lives in Paterson NJ. He and his wife are involved in Dawah and Tableegh. I may talk to him if you choose this route. ------------------------------------------- Option 2. We don't know your exact situation but option 2 is somewhat along the same lines of what Abu Loren said. IF you think you can manage on your own for yourself and for your daughter, and IF you have a feeling that you have already tried your best with your Husband about Islamic Dawah and he won't accept it, then. 1. Say the Shahada in privacy - No need to to announce it to anyone 2. Immediately file for divorce and move out with your daughter. In this case the judge or your husband does not know that you have changed your religion and this is the reason why you want to separate, so the kid stays with you after the separation. Once divorce is signed off, you can publicly announce Shahada, and move close to a Masjid area where you and your kid could easily stay connected with the community. Either way, stay in touch with us here and Inshallah we will find a way. ------------- There is no atheist on a sinking ship. |
Posted By: akh2014
Date Posted: 30 April 2014 at 11:18am
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Abuayisha: Thank you for your message. I've been studying for my NY bar. Hopefully, things will be fine!
I have a question for you - in Islam is it a sin to live with a non-muslim? And if so, would it make any difference if my (personal) mission would be to help him revert with me (time unspecified)? |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 30 April 2014 at 4:37pm
| Your question requires specificity, however generally speaking, it is not a sin to live with a non-Muslims provided certain conditions are met. |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 30 April 2014 at 4:48pm
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The decision of the European fatwa and research council allowing a wife to remain with her non-Muslim husband was the most important decisions made in the eighth meeting of the council held July 18-22, 2001, in the Spanish city of Valencia. The meeting was headed by Dr. Youssef Al-Qardawi, president of the council.
Al-Qardawi explains, "according to the schools of Islamic Shari�a [law] a Muslims woman can marry only a Muslim. This is a point on which all the scholars agreed. Another point of disagreements was that whether the woman should stay with her non-Muslim husband if she decided to join Islam." ... "In my opinion allowing them to stay with their husbands, which agrees with the Qur�an and is supported by opinions of Ali Ibn Abi-Taleb, goes with the needs of new Muslim women in non-Muslim lands, especially if they have children from that marriage... It may disagree with what many scholars are familiar with. But it does have bases in Islam." Counselor sheikh Feisal Mawlawi, vice-president of the council elaborates, "This study is limited to a woman living in a non-Muslim country... and decided to join Islam while her husband will remain non-Muslim... First, if the husband is not a person she is allowed to marry in Islam, i.e. a brother or else, the marriage is broken immediately... Other than that, there are bases in Islam to let her stay with him..." |
Posted By: ll0OoO0ll
Date Posted: 30 April 2014 at 6:32pm
Jazak Allah ya Sheikh. I have a question here for my own understanding. Does the husband in this case has to be from the "Ahl-e-Kitab" (Christian or Jewish) or he could be from any religion or even atheist or agnostic? ------------- There is no atheist on a sinking ship. |
abuayisha wrote:Posted By: Al Saadiqeen21
Date Posted: 01 May 2014 at 5:33am
Without all the Hadiyth . This is the Real-Deal , No one can keep you from being a Muslim (But -Your-self ) , As far as the Holy Qur'aan , No-one keep you from reading/ following The Holy Qur'aan ( But You ) .
As for learning how to make , Prayer I can post the way a Muslim should make Prayer if you like . You must overstand Islam is a way of life , Not something you put On and Off . Or one day a week like Christians do on Sunday . You have to live Islam 365 days a year everyday , Minut / hour , sec . You must overstand something , It's no such thing you can't ,
Also Allah is the judge not mortal's Man or Women . Only Allah !!! ------------- One doesn't go to school let His / her's mind to die , They go to school so that their mind will come alive . |
Posted By: NABA
Date Posted: 01 May 2014 at 5:47am
| Assalamalecum,it is difficult to advice u but I will say that u shud thank Allah that he had opened a door of str8 path for u,u say th8 u fear losing ur child if u chuz islam.i say if u chuz islam above anything else there r high chanves th8 u may get success in this world n hereafter.bcoz Allah wants to c whether a believer choose path of Allah or worldly commodity.i know the importance of child to mother but think y Allah put a thought of islam in u y?? Y not people around u??? Sister islam is the truth, if u want to revert to islam there is no need to declare publicly its between u n Allah, start practising islam secretely, do ur salaah in private, no need to show others, start taking small steps stop alcohol, wear full clothes when u go out bcoz Allah in ch 33 v 59 of Quran says oh prophet tell ur women to wear a viel when they go out so that they can b recognised as muslims n prevent from molestation.start Reading Quran daily in language u understand,from this u will get courage n remember Allah in ch 29 v 69 says if u strive in way of Allah, Allah will open pathways for u.moreover don't revert to islam under compulsion, it shud b ur decision only bcoz Allah forbids compulsion in religion in ch 2 v 256 of Quran.hv faith in Allah bcoz if Allah is with u none can forsake u if Allah forsakes u there is who who can save u, let the believers put faith in Allah (ch 3 v 160). |
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 02 May 2014 at 3:33am
Scary scary abuayisha and European fatwa and research council. I don't know what kind if Islam you practice but a woman who is a Muslim (new or otherwise) cannot remain married to an non Muslim husband. Her options are either to convince her husband to convert to Islam or leave him if he is unwilling. No buts, ifs or maybe's. This is what Islam has come to... we make up what we want to suit our own needs. Scary scary Islam ... |
Posted By: NABA
Date Posted: 03 May 2014 at 2:00am
| Assalamalecum,totally agreed with abu loren sir, bcoz I can give eg from my family, my cousin married a hindu, she converted but her mother also lives in my cousin's house n she is still hindu,I know this eg sumvot away from topic, but another from several disadvantages of intercaste marriage is this that a spouse whether husband or wife may revert to islam but what abt family???? Bcoz Allah says in ch 2 v 208 of Quran enter islam completely.so I am with loren sir,n conclusion is the best marriage is the marriage between muslim boy n Muslim girl, bcoz it is done for sake of Allah.Allahfiz. |
Posted By: akh2014
Date Posted: 09 May 2014 at 11:15am
| Thank you for the messages. I am overwhelmed by the information and responses. If anyone lives in New York or Chicago who can help me out with a few difficulties I am having in the study of Islam - please shoot me a private message. Thanks again! |
Posted By: Al Saadiqeen21
Date Posted: 12 May 2014 at 3:17am
What is it that you want to know about the Teaching / Doctrine of Islam ? ------------- One doesn't go to school let His / her's mind to die , They go to school so that their mind will come alive . |
Posted By: truthfull
Date Posted: 14 May 2014 at 6:13pm
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Since you convert I think your marriage is not valid You should ask religious man Huda Tv : have program answer question ( ask Huda) No one can preserve you in grave other than creator As we know human body ruin after death Proved Muslim body doesn't ruin : http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FTwEkf_zOKM Muslim in death time happy : http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=O0U6HQS51Tk You can let him see such video Maybe he change his mind Allah say in quran : And whoever desires other than Islam as religion - never will it be accepted from him, and he, in the Hereafter, will be among the losers. Sikh brother convert islam http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Up-i6KLxlLk We will not live more than hundred years Those who lived till 100 years rare Who reached 90 countable Those live until 80 Most people live until 70 We can't be sure we will live until 70 Many people die before they reach 90 We are just name to angel of death He is doing his job If you 40 you left thirty years If you skip after life, then You passed If any one fail, that mean eternal torture May allah grant you heaven Allah say in quran : So whoever Allah wants to guide - He expands his breast to [contain] Islam; Allah say about who convert to islam : Allah will bring forth a people He will love and who will love Him |
Posted By: ll0OoO0ll
Date Posted: 14 May 2014 at 9:14pm
I am in NY. Let me know how can I assist you? ------------- There is no atheist on a sinking ship. |
Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 19 June 2014 at 5:25am
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Subhan Allah, this thread is amazing.
The situation of muslims in the world today is like of those prophesised in a hadith where rasul (sallallahu alaihe wasallam) has said a time will come when muslims will be dishonored, killed, looted and the sahaba asked if this would be the case because they will be very few in number, upon which he (saw) said, that no, they will be many however they will have strayed away from the the mainstream principles of the sharia. I dont understand the need of the european fatwa, however its signifies how we are straying away from the mainstream sharia. And subhan Allah our state anywhere in the world, its far from being respectable as a community. The situation of the opener of this thread reminds me of the story of sister Amina Asslimi I read on the internet a few years ago. Worth a read for any, including akh2014. http://www.whyislam.org/spiritual-journeys/aminah-assilmi/ Islam means submission to God. This does not mean 'I am a muslim but...' or 'I want to be a muslim but...' May Allah protect us all and keep us on sirat al mustaqeem, ameen. ------------- <font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR] |
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 19 June 2014 at 12:05pm
I think the trouble with Islam today is that people are making halal what has been made haram and making halal what has been made haram. For some people any sort of Islam will do. |
Posted By: akh2014
Date Posted: 19 June 2014 at 11:08pm
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Thanks for the message Nausheen. I am going to give a speedy response - so please mind my sentences!
I know - there is no "but" to being a Muslim. I don't have any "but" or "if" to that. As far as the European fatwa or "straying away" is concerned - I don't think I have the right to question it. At the end of the day, every true Muslim strives towards what he/she thinks is right. It's our own interpretation of Islam. Whose to say whether its wrong or right? We definitely don't. God can judge us. And btw, what is "mainstream sharia"? I don't understand that concept. It sounds like some media campaign. Please explain. I liked the article you posted. I was thinking about doing the same thing....and then I looked at my 1 year old daughter and thought -- I would rather spend eternity in hell then leave her. If God wants to punish me for that - then so be it. Some people may consider Aminah strong - but I don't though. It takes an extremely weak person to leave her duty as a mother and to think about herself (and v-s-v, her own relationship with god). Allah put my daughter in my care for a reason. And, that reason could not have been to leave her with a non-muslim. I have a great opportunity to teach my daughter about Islam. A mother is the first person a child sees and hears, and the first person a child learns from. That is a HUGE deal in itself. In that regard, where do you think Aminah's children will end up? She can only hope God guides them in the right direction. What I believe God has taught us is: there is good in everyone - and everyone has the opportunity to change. I also believe, some day, my husband will realize what is the truth. Can you explain a little more about the hadith you mentioned, including a link (if possible). As far as I know, Muslims, since the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), have been persecuted (dishonored, killed, looted etc). Therefore, are you talking about the degree of persecution we will face? So please, I need a little more clarification. Anyways, thank you for your response. It is appreciated. Sorry about the quickness of the reply, and jumping from one topic to the next abruptly -- my daughter likes to tug at my arm (often!). [IMG]smileys/smiley9.gif" align="middle" /> [IMG]smileys/smiley9.gif" align="middle" /> |
Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 24 June 2014 at 6:20am
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Dear Akh2014, I understand you are in much haste.
You have not read the entire article :) Sister Aminah's entire family accepted Islam, including her former husband, children and parents! But she chose the hard way because life did not leave her with an easy way. You may not have the right to question the fatwa, but I do because I follow the Quran, and this fatwa is clearly asking one to compromise its laws. A fatwa may or may not be a binding on any muslim depending on its authenticity, but the Quran is. Mainstream Islam and fundamentals of sharia are from the Quran and sunnah. A concept that compromises these two sources may be akin to Islam, but not Islam in its totallity. Because Islam means total submission to God, not a club anybody may join with their own unique ideas. People new to the concept of islam may be surprised, but the religion is not about being unique, its about followership of the one messenger who God chose to convey the message - surprise people may be but supplications fair a better chance to be answered when beseached with sending blessings on the prophet, and when asked in a manner he used to ask. In every walk of life it is his way, his manner, his choices that are found most beloved and most acceptable to God. He said anyone who introduces anything new to this way of ours shall be rejected. So, a fatwa that seems to suit our need and fit snuggly for our situation, in the end of the day may not be what God wants from us. The Quran says God created man for nothing but to worship Him - and to go into the detail of this, every act in our life can or cannot be worship depending on how we inact it. It was not my intention to discourage you from your pursuit, but I would definitely want you to know what sacrifices it might take. The system of reward here is tied with intention and actions, which means just one of the two will not be enough. What you believe of God theaching us, the good in people and the opportunity to change is correct. yes, your husband has the potential to see the truth and to change, perhaps with prayers for a change of heart in him. You know a fair deal about muslims and their religion, so please keep searching, because what you are going to do is not a simple change of life style - it will demand a lot more. When I began to wear a hijab I did not realize how many changes there will be in my life and now that I look back this decision has completely overhauled my life. Not that I have any regrets, but it took a price ... you've got to be happy to pay a price for the sake of God and have full trust in Him that whatever He chooses is for our best, even if apparently we may not see its benefit. I don't have a link to the hadith right now, but am going to find soon and get back to you. I have come forthright in this post, but, with no intention of being rude or offensive, so please do not see it as such. Pray God facilitates you with ease in your quest, ameen. regards, nausheen ------------- <font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR] |
Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 24 June 2014 at 6:33am
I always have problems with Yusuf al Qaradawi ideas. This one is just another on the list :( ------------- <font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR] |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 24 June 2014 at 8:17am
| https://www.academia.edu/1578719/CAEIRO_The_Making_of_the_Fatwa |