is staying in the marriage for the kids good idea?
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Topic: is staying in the marriage for the kids good idea?
Posted By: ladan
Subject: is staying in the marriage for the kids good idea?
Date Posted: 13 February 2014 at 10:37am
Asalama alaykum.
please be patient as a I try to explain my situation. so I am in my mid 20s with 2 children both under 3 years old. my husband and I have been marriage about 4 years now. at first things seemed to go well. but as time went it seemed like we were arguing more and more. I knew my husband had temper but I thought marriage would cool it off. things got really worse when I got pregnant with my first child. at first he seemed happy about the pregnancy but as time went on he starting saying unsettling things. he would say he will need DNA to prove that the child is his. even though it hurt in my mind I thought he was young and maybe he is just nervous about being a father and the big responsibility on his shoulder. due to circumstance we decided I go back to my mother to help with the pregnancy and he would work mean while. he came for the birth and he seemed really happy and joys. but after he left for work he started really harassing me about getting DNA. I didn't want to deal with it because I had C-section and I also got really sick. It was tough time. instead of support and love my husband just cared about the DNA. in private he would ask me why I am not getting it done but to the families and everyone else he played the happy father. I was heart broken and divested and I couldn't handle it. I talk to my mother and explained what was going on. she called his family and they all ganged up on to bring evidence for word of my wrong doing. he didn't have proof of me cheating on him or committing zina. it was huge insult to get that from the one man you gave all you got. I wanted divorce but my mother convinced me to forgive me and stay with him. I did go back to him but things got even worse. we argued more even got physical and I was very unhappy. an old friend of mine contacted my family looking for me. after my mother told me I got hold of him on Facebook and we started talking. it felt good to have someone who was just there to listen. my husband found out and it was another huge fight and I cant blame him for it. I shouldn't have turned to someone else regardless of what I was going through.one night we had another one of our fights and it got physical and I hit him with something. he got angry packed and moved to his mother's house. was gone 2 weeks while family got involved and eventually he came back. but when he came back it seemed like his heart was not on the marriage. he would say things like don't unpack my things because im testing you for 6 weeks. during that time I got pregnant with my second child. it was bitter sweet but in my mind I thought maybe second child would be a blessing we need to get on the right track. when I told him about the pregnancy the first thing he said to me was it will be hard to leave me now because of this pregnancy. the reaction he gave was like someone he love very much just died. again another blow to my heart. after that I decided this was not the life I wanted for me and my kids. I cant go through life being rejected every time I get pregnant. he gave my divorce right than and there. he left to his mother house and I packed and moved with my child to my old city. I set up a place for me and my child and got ready for the new baby on the way. first few months he was complete jerk. sending hurtful text msgs telling me I will come back crying. I wanted to prove to him I could do it all by my self with Allah's help. when he realized he was not needed as much he revoked the divorce before giving birth. showed up and begged me and my family to give him second chance for the sake of the kids. he made it seem like he learned his lesson and was ready to handle his responsibility as a husband and father. I didn't want at all to go back. I knew in my heart he didn't change. however my dear mother said if I wanted her blessings I should go back and I did. now 5 months later and we are again arguing and fighting. first 3 to 4 months seemed things were actually going good. we made plans to move in together and all that. but now he picks fights with me like "why am I not saying I love you all the time" or why am I not being romantic. now he wants me to tie my tubes but he doesn't want another child for at least another 2 years which I don't see why. we are young, financially ok. we both work and if I can handle 2 young kids alone I am sure we can handle 3. I tested him and told him I am pregnant again and his response was well you got what you wanted. I am so afraid of going through another pregnancy depressed and crying everyday. I don't want to be in this marriage and I am so unhappy. I told my mother it was because of her I am back in that situation again. I know she meant well but I moved on and I cant believe I am back again arguing about having a child. he admitted the reason why he fought so bad to bring family together was so people would stop blaming him for breaking up the family first time. he has no problem divorcing me now as long as I admit I am the one breaking the family and his name is clear. I am emotionally and physically tired. now he wants me to go to counselling because he believes I am holding on to the past which I am thinking about doing. I just want out and I don't know how because I don't want to disappoint my family but I know being in this marriage is not good for the kids. please advice.
sorry about the long post. jzkallah
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Replies:
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 13 February 2014 at 10:12pm
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Marriage counseling is a good idea. Hopefully it will also help you both to communicate properly to resolve your differences.
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Posted By: angel4u
Date Posted: 23 March 2014 at 3:01pm
hey
you see to be having difficult time. first of all sister as a sister I will give you advice from the bottom of my heart.
did you have a past or something which is the reason why your husband is suspicious on you. Because mens are afraid of their wife being a show to people in other words I mean they don't like their wife chatting having any friends as boys or if she had a past and he knws about it. it could be that why hes behaving like that, he somehow doesn't trust you. and sister no one else knows better than you. maybe something hes heard, seen or etc. so that could be the reason for his behavior. for that you need to sit and stop I mean serious stop talking or giving more importance to anyone else apart from him. you know mens love it when their wife praises them. so give him that husband value show him he is the husband by respecting him, fulfilling his desires, cooking and especially good attitude in terms of smile praise him, don't ignore him. now adays in this society theres hardly any respect for each other you have to sacrifice to gain something.
do your duty your jobs be the queen of the house who doesn't let anyone come near who will bring bad in your relationship. for your kids you have to be their admirer.
sister its ok just imagine your husband is 100 percent wrong. if you want you can bring him on tract and that's never by force, its all love responsibility, trust, everything. don't loose hope as these problems are in eveybodies life.
I would not be sitting here with soo much respect he gives me today if I hadn't gonethrough that hard time, I told myself for my kids its ok, I changed him hes mashala a good husband and tells me that how much I mean to him. sister iv been through worse than yours but don't loose hope.
if marriages were easy than everyday people will be divorcing which in many places because they don't have patience they destroy many lifes.
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Posted By: abuali
Date Posted: 21 May 2014 at 1:01am
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Well i can feel that the situation is not good, but i never prefer divorce because this is dislike act in the eye of Allah, we all know there are problems after marriage and we are ordered to do nikah and face these problems together. I prefer if you can solve this problem with any way either parents help or marriage counseling, try to do it in this way. May Allah help you both Ameen.
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