At the end of my rope
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=24105
Printed Date: 19 April 2024 at 8:05am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.03 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: At the end of my rope
Posted By: janeausten
Subject: At the end of my rope
Date Posted: 18 October 2012 at 9:17pm
|
I really need some Islamic-influenced guidance and advice.
I was born in the UAE but lived most of my life in North America. I agreed to marry a Bangla deshi man who was born and raised in Bangla desh. Our marriage took place there. It was understood that I would live there in his joint family set up after marriage. The house contains my parents-in-law, my husband, his younger brother and younger bro's wife. Alhamdulillah, we have a 3 year old daughter (we have been married 4 years). Life in this particular joint family setup has been increasingly difficult for me to adjust to. I am not allowed to go outside, not even to the backyard (which is encircled by a 10 ft brick fence topped with barbed wire), as my husband and parents-in-law say that it's not safe and I don't speak the language, and perverts might be staring at me from nearby apt buildings. I have nothing to do at home, and I get bored all day sitting, waiting for husband to return. I am not allowed to go outside alone AT ALL, not even to the next door grocery store. My husband is at his office all day. I told him I can atleast go to the grocery store with my father-in-law and a servant (as an additional 'bodyguard'), but my husband said No, it's not safe. Due to his work load, he's able to take my daughter and me outside to restaurants or grocery stores around twice a month. And it's always a VERY rushed trip, because his parents are constantly calling him, asking him when he's returning (as they are getting 'bored' at home, they say). So I end up going out of the house around twice a month. This is driving me crazy. I am currently in Canada, as we came here to get my daughter up to date on her vaccinations. I told my husband I didn't want to return to BD, so we rented a small apt in a Canadian city (where my family is living), and my daughter and I have been here for 1 year, while my husband returned to BD and his parents and work. He's visited twice in 1 year, and this is the way things have been going on between us. It's always great when he visits; we get along fabulously and I totally devote myself to taking care of him, cooking, cleaning etc. My lease is going to expire on this apt in 2 months, and my husband is asking me if I'm ready to return to BD. After much haranguing on my part, he's spoken with a potential pre-school for our daughter, so that atleast SHE can get some outside air and not be bored at home. But that comes with its own problems (the school is 1.5 hrs away from my inlaws' place, she doesn't have her own bed to sleep on as we have no space for an addl bed in our room, and lots of other logistical problems). Husband won't move to a different neighbourhood in the same city as his parents, bc he says his elderly parents need him. He's supporting the entire household financially, including the younger married brother. So even if our daughter does go to preschool over there, it's only a 2 hr program, and the rest of the day we're stuck at home, bored out of our minds. Am I being unreasonable in any of the above? am I placing too much undue pressure on my husband? Am I being ungrateful? Or am I justified in feeling trapped and stifled in that household set up? Do I HAVE to return to BD, or am I within my rights to continue living here in the Canadian city we are in, while my husband financially supports my daughter and me? |
Replies:
Posted By: Ghazzali
Date Posted: 19 October 2012 at 10:45am
|
May peace be on the guided ones. Sister, you need to tell a bit more about yourself. Are you an arab muslim raised in the US, or a North American Christian born in UAE (there are lots of foreigners in UAE, that's why i ask). If you are an arab, it shouldn't be a problem walking in the streets of Dhaka. But if you are a white-skinned North American, then yes, you should stay at home. I dont understand why you agreed to live in Bangladesh, when you were raised in North America. It was always going to be very difficult. You were mad in love with this Bangladeshi guy, i guess. I guess there are two solutions to this. You can sacrifice your whole life and live in BD, or if you want more freedom, then convince your husband to migrate to Canada. By the way, I dont understand how can a women be bored at home. There's just so much to do. Looking after your children, cooking, washing clothes, cleaning the house, washing dishes.....whoof! How does a women get bored? Moreover, as a muslim women, there's not much to do outside your home. You can't flirt with men, you can't go to a bar, you can't go to a night club. So life as a whole is boring for a muslim. As Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, �The world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the unbeliever.� [Sahih Muslim, Book 42, Number 7058] ------------- The world is a dangerous place to live in, not because of the bad people, but because of the good people who does not do anything about it. |
Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 19 October 2012 at 2:38pm
|
If younger brother and younger brother's wife are living with parents, I don't see why you can't move to a place of your own, and closer to the school for your child as well. But I also know nothing of life in Bangladesh. I think I would not have chosen this man for a husband, this for my life, but I believe in commitment once commitment is made. Not very helpful I suppose. I guess I have to quote Ghazzali: As Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said, �The world is a prison for the believer and a paradise for the unbeliever.� [Sahih Muslim, Book 42, Number 7058] Hard to imagine why God would create this wonderful earth for us only for it to be a prison though. Sorry I guess I'm not very helpful. If your husband is a reasonable man I would talk to him about the whole brother and wife being at home with his parents, and taking some of the burden off him. Shouldn't he get to be with his wife more than two times a year? Shouldn't you be able to live together and not half a world away? It obviously serves no benefit to the two of you for you to live with his parents. It ought to help you to be able to get out of the house, but doesn't even do that.  Oh well... my two cents don't seem to be worth much but I thought I'd cast them into the pot anyway.  Hope you find a satisfactory solution. |
Posted By: janeausten
Date Posted: 19 October 2012 at 7:42pm
|
Brother Ghazzali, To answer your first question: it wouldn't be a problem for me to blend in the streets of Dhaka. I would not stand out. Husband is only concerned because I don't speak the language; if I'm just going to the grocery store, though, one doesn't have to sing the national anthem, right? I would just cover my head and blend right in. And he says the security situation is not safe.
No, actually it was a very formal arranged marriage. He will never agree to move to Canada, due to his parents. There's an army of domestic maids who do all the cooking and washing and my mother-in-law doesn't want it any other way; she hates it when I prepare my own dishes, or cook for my husband (he doesn't eat what I cook when I am in BD, as he says his mother will get angry that 'her' food hasn't been eaten). I don't rock the boat in BD, so when i am there, I just let these issues pass. I only cook in Canada. My MIL doesn't like me going into 'her' kitchen. I don't get any space in there, as the kitchen is cramped already with servants + younger brother's wife. Isn't it my Islamic right as a wife to atleast have my own separate kitchen? Are you suggesting that the only reason a woman might want to go outside is to flirt with men or go to bars??? What about seeing sunlight once in a while??? What about going outside to listen to a bird or something?? Fresh air?? A walk, to stay fit??? I mean, do these even count, or are Muslim women just supposed to be tied to the ovens with their apron strings? My goodness. At any rate, I don't even get to utilize the kitchen as I described above. |
I dont understand why you agreed to live in Bangladesh, when you were raised in North America. It was always going to be very difficult. You were mad in love with this Bangladeshi guy, i guess.Posted By: janeausten
Date Posted: 19 October 2012 at 7:46pm
Thank you, CH for your kind reply. :) I appreciate it. My husband says that his younger brother is very irresponsible, and will not take proper care of their parents in my husband's absence. I just wanted to know if others can see any injustice in my situation, or, am I being ungrateful for no reason. Thank you for your reply. It helps. |
Posted By: Ghazzali
Date Posted: 20 October 2012 at 4:12am
Aassalamualaikum sister.
Sister, it's the same sun that rises everyday, it's the same bird that sings everyday, it's the same path that leads to your house everyday. I guess it's pretty boring as well. As I said before, the real problem here is culture shock more than anything else. You were raised in a free society, where women can do whatever they like, and you were taught that men and women have equal rights. But Islam teaches that as human beings, men and women are equal, but they have different types of rights, based on their responsibilities. The husband's primary duty is to earn money, and the wife's primary duty is to look after the children and house. Obviously, you'll have to spend most of your time at home, if you want to follow Sharia. If you were raised in a muslim country, you would have understood these things, and you probably would have been more accepting of staying at home. But since you were raised in North America, it is much more difficult for you to accept that a women would spend most of her time at home. It's a clash of cultures. The only solution is that one party has to sacrifice their "comfort" zone, and get adjusted to a different culture. Either it's you, or your husband. May Allah help you. ------------- The world is a dangerous place to live in, not because of the bad people, but because of the good people who does not do anything about it. |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 20 October 2012 at 9:04am
| While I certainly agree that Janeausten may not have allowed sufficient time for cultural adjustment, I think a more nuanced approach, likely what her husband has already sought, in sending her to live in Canada. If she is to follow "Sharia" and spend most of her time at home, what about having a brother-in-law in the same home? Janeausten if your husband has allowed for you to live in Canada there is absolutely no problem and you aren't doing anything wrong. I only caution that long distance relationships are extremely difficult to navigate as I'm sure you are aware. |
Posted By: Ron Webb
Date Posted: 20 October 2012 at 9:05am
|
Jane, it's interesting that your husband says she is not allowed to go out because it is not safe, while Ghazzali seems to assume it is because of Islam and Sharia. I can't help wondering if your husband is being honest about his feelings. I'm assuming he is the eldest son, which would make him more inclined to traditional values and responsibilities; but even so, it sounds like he's being a bit of a "mama's boy". He needs to learn to stand up to his parents. He's a married man now, and he has at least equal responsibilities to his wife.
Twice a month you get to go out with him, and his parents are calling him to complain that they are "bored" being at home? And he takes those calls?? ------------- Addeenul �Aql � Religion is intellect. |
He should tell his parents that if they continue to bother him with such nonsense he will simply turn off his cell phone. If he won't do that, maybe you should start calling him at his office every other day of the month, telling him he needs to come home early because you're "bored".Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 20 October 2012 at 2:53pm
Greetings Ghazzali, I would go insane if I could not go outdoors and enjoy the beauty that God created. It is not natural to be kept within cement walls and not be able to enjoy the warmth of the sun, the shadow of a tree. No one in early civilization lived any other way but outdoors. Could you do it, be indoors all the time? and if you could not, it is possibly right that women should? God put Adam and Eve in a garden... not Adam in the woods, or mountains, or streets, and the woman inside four walls. I do wonder what would Allah say about this situation.
|
Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 20 October 2012 at 2:57pm
From my perspective, I can't even see how it is a family, or a relationship, if you only see your spouse, and child only sees its father, two times a year. *scratches head What was the point of marriage if not to create a family unit? Just from my perspective.
|
Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 20 October 2012 at 3:01pm
Hi Ron, I had picked up on that same thing. It matters that his elderly parents are bored but no one will understand how this is for a young wife and child.. that they are bored?
|
Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 20 October 2012 at 3:04pm
Greetings janeausten, I am glad that my reply helps. Maybe just having us here to let off steam to will help your boredom?
 |
Posted By: Ron Webb
Date Posted: 20 October 2012 at 3:58pm
|
I think we all agree in principle that the family should be together, but sometimes hard choices must be made. Unless somebody has another idea, it looks to me like the choices are either for the wife to be virtually imprisoned in her in-laws' home, or for the husband to abandon (as he sees it) his elderly parents, or for the couple to separate and/or divorce. -- or some combination of the above. I agree with abuayisha that a "nuanced approach" is called for. Maybe the wife can stay in Canada during the summer, and spend the winters in Bangladesh. Maybe the husband find get another apartment for his wife and daughter in a safer area of Bangladesh (if there is such a thing), and split his time between the two residences. Maybe he can help her to integrate into the Bangladesh community in some way (language classes, social clubs, charities -- I don't know, my unfamiliarity with the culture is showing here). And I don't know how to put this delicately, but it's always worth remembering that all things are temporary. Circumstances may change, and if nothing else his responsibilities to his parents will come to a natural end at some point. In the meantime, the trick is often just to take it day by day and get through it as best we can. ------------- Addeenul �Aql � Religion is intellect. |
Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 20 October 2012 at 5:30pm
Oh, so well stated Ron, but then I often agreee with what you write. I had not thought of the winter/summer approach... and yes, all things in life have a way of changing or evolving in time.
|
Posted By: janeausten
Date Posted: 24 October 2012 at 11:27pm
Your comments are so logical, Ron! Thank you very much. Actually, my husband is the 2nd of 3 sons so he's not the oldest male. The oldest is living quite happily in a far-off country. Funnily enough, the oldest is the most outwardly religious with beard and everything, prays as often as you breathe, and doesn't appear to have the same concerns regarding taking care of the parents (as my husband does, who is not as religious). Ron, your comments are very sensible. Thank you for breathing some common sense into this thread. How strange that nobody has mentioned that I actually do have an Islamic right to my own separate accomodation. You can all google it and it's right there, in diverse Islamic websites, opinions given by diverse Muslim scholars. And as for the culture issue, or that lil' western me is showing my western colours by wanting to step foot outside my inlaws' house: My husband's younger brother's wife is allowed to go WHEREVER she wants to at whatever time, and nobody - I mean nobody - says a word to her. She comes and goes as she pleases, she doesn't even ask for permission, she just does it. And by the way, she's born and raised in that city. So much for the east-west culture clash argument. |
Posted By: janeausten
Date Posted: 24 October 2012 at 11:29pm
Thank you very much, Abu Ayisha, for your thoughtful reply. Thank you for highlighting a more nuanced approach. |
Posted By: janeausten
Date Posted: 24 October 2012 at 11:33pm
I trust you are not referring to God's Creations as boring? Doesn't the Quran constantly exhort people (which includes men and women) to study His Signs - some of which include things in nature, such as the sun, the moon, the earth, the sky, the orbiting stars? Did Allah ever write in the Quran that nature is boring, don't study it, don't reflect on it? What, I don't have the right to ask to go outside and see the sun once in a while? Who knows, maybe by reflecting on the beauty of the moon or listening to a bird, or thinking about how Allah controls the sun and the clouds, it might increase my faith? Is that not what is written in the Quran - that these are Signs for those who believe? Or are these Signs in nature only for men? Try again. |
Posted By: janeausten
Date Posted: 24 October 2012 at 11:36pm
So well said. Thank you. Points noted. Just to clarify: he has said he won't get another place due to his parents. And I have brought up many times your other point (regarding language classes, social clubs, charities), but that was also not allowed. Thanks, though, Ron. |
Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 31 October 2012 at 8:50am
|
Im surprised some of us can even think/ say thatthe sun and fresh air could be boring. Fresh air is needed for physical health sun for mental health (not to mention the vit D3 we debated in another thread) - our neurotransmitters that keep elevated moods have a lot to do with their release in sunlight. Many places which experience extended periods of cloud cover, people in general are found to be more depressed. Answering Jane's question - no you are not being unreasonable/ungrateful to ask for more freedom. You said the brother's wife enjoys that freedom. How is your relationship with her? Can you not accompany her on some of her outings? I think it would a wonderful idea to live there in winters while spend the summer in Canada. While you are in BD, try to learn the language. Try to interact with the servants, they are fun trust me, and you will get to learn so much about the culture. Take a hobby, it could be knitting, embroidery, gardening or anything that is creative along with keeping you busy. Do you have internet in BD? Do they not have extended family where you can find a social circle, may be? Have you ever thought of handwriting letters to your friends and family back at home in Canada - trying to brainstorm ideas to keep you busy and interested at home while you are in this little prison of yours. Good luck dear sister! ------------- <font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR] |
Posted By: janeausten
Date Posted: 01 November 2012 at 9:40pm
|
Dear Nausheen,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate it greatly. I was very strongly warned by my husband and his parents NOT to mix too much with my younger sister-in-law; my mil would try to prevent me from talking with her for long (by calling me away and warning me not to talk with her). They were opposed to the marriage on the grounds that she's a native Bengali (different than them), and they believe she might do 'black magic' on the family (I'm not kidding!). They are totally serious on this point. They`re always saying prayers and then blowing on top of food or water that she`s touched to ward off any supposed black magic. My husband was also VERY opposed to my creating any sort of friendship with her because of what his parents have said against her (that she will break up the family, run off with property or money!). I just didn`t have the courage to go against my husband and his parents, so I did as they instructed. I was polite but distant, as mil kept a very watchful eye on how much we interacted. Now we have a very formal, just hi-hello type of communication, not much beyond that. It would have been great if my inlaws had taken pity on me and told me, Go ahead and go out with her once in a while, since she speaks the language. As for your other suggestions, yep I talk endlessly with the servants; they have kept me sane in that house. Without them, I`d have gone mad. But they are there from 11am-3pm, then 8-10pm, and they are very busy with their own chores. But I do have a great relationship with them; I talk to them as much as possible, though they are not there all day and are very busy with their work. But yes, I depend on them a lot for conversation and passing time! I do knit, embroider, and surf the web. I asked husband for seeds for gardening; he never brought it. They do have extended family; infact my husband has 3 cousins in the same city. They are all female, married, with kids. I get along fabulously with them; his cousins adore me. Problem is, I`m not allowed to mingle with them unless my husband`s with me! And they live far from my inlaws` home - well not far, but due to the traffic congestion, it can take more than an hour to get there one way. So, logistically, it`s difficult to go over. I do call them when I`m bored, but they`re busy with their own lives too ... but I do try to follow this suggestion of yours and whenever possible, I call up his extended female relatives in the city and chat. I kept myself busy there by learning the language and practicing infront of the servants. Letter writing was a great idea, but my husband would probably say that their postal system is not to be trusted & letters will get stolen there! Your suggestions are great. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. |
Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 03 November 2012 at 3:20am
|
Dear Jane, Assalamualaikum
I would suggest you continue to take precautions.
If you are interested get busy learning Arabic. I started a couple of years ago, now Im able to understand portions of Quran here and there, its very uplifting for the soul. If you want I can suggest you a coulpe of websites to look into. IC is a great place to be, so keep visiting when you have time. Hope you will enjoy your stay with us ------------- <font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.[/COLOR] |