New Muslim Blues
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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups : New Muslims
Forum Description: Groups : New Muslims
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=23342
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Topic: New Muslim Blues
Posted By: Mella82
Subject: New Muslim Blues
Date Posted: 18 June 2012 at 10:34am
Assalamu alaikum all!
I'm revert (just under a year I think) and have really been struggling with the changes, and failing miserably most of the time.
Here's the background. I'm a married woman. My husband is a non practicing Catholic and my family are not religious at all. In fact, they are kind of against organized religion (is this story starting to sound familiar yet? It seems pretty common.) They were all pretty much appalled at my reversion, and I've kind of been a secret Muslim since then. Practicing in secret became really hard, and for a while now I've almost abandoned the idea of living as a Muslim. The difficulties seem insurmountable. I began going back to my old lifestyle months ago, drinking again and dressing the same as I used to (albeit more modestly than before.) I thought I could give up Islam altogether, but I am so irrevocably drawn to it that whenever I see a sister on the street, I want to cry. When I pass the masjid, I want to break down. I feel like I'm squashing a huge part of my soul. This feeling is so unfamiliar to me since I've always been against religion, but it's undeniable. I'm not sure how to continue denying what's in my heart, but I don't know how to possibly begin to live a "good Muslim life."
Is it even possible to be a "good Muslim" when I remain with my Catholic husband? Am I supposed to end "relations" with him? I don't see how this could be the case. It's not like it's his fault. He married someone who barely resembles who I feel I am today. I feel my reversion was unjust to him. I have to point out that he will never, ever, ever, ever convert. Ever. Period. He just won't, and I hated trying to be converted by other religions, so I don't feel I can actively try to make him change his mind.
My family doesn't approve, even though they claim to be open minded. They have this image of Islam as oppressive and brutal and, well, you know- all the stuff they see on TV. They're even more horrified than they would have been if I had become a fundamentalist Christian (which, if you knew my family, would have been a major crisis.) That being said, they're more likely to accept it than my husband. I just can't stand the way they look down on me now whenever I mention it (which isn't often) It's like they're looking at someone who decided to live a life doing heroine.
When I took my shahada, I had spent some time talking to some wonderful sisters who answered a lot of my questions about Islam. I still had issues with some teachings, customs, beliefs, etc. but I understood that, in order to be a Muslim, one only has to understand and believe the words of the shahada, Ashadu an la illah ill Allah, wa ashadu anna Muhammadar rasoolullah. I found no fault in these words, and that, combined with my intense attraction to Islam, was enough for me to "take the plunge." I am trying to be patient with myself and accept that Allah (swt) knows what is in my heart, and even if I resist some change, it doesn't make me a bad person, it only makes me human. I still have to fight against my "all or nothing" instant gratification tendencies though. It looks like for now I'll have to focus on winning battles and not the war.
Sorry to vent all of this to you all, but where else, right? I appreciate any advice on overcoming these challenges. I'd also love to hear from some of you who might have been in a similar situation.
'Mella
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Replies:
Posted By: 5purplemarbles
Date Posted: 26 December 2012 at 9:59pm
Mella82
Welcome dear sister, you are in the right place to talk about any of this issues. And i can relate on some many levels. First i want to commend you for this hard decision as you have nobody on your side, as this is my situation as well. I can help be a friend to you in this time and insha Allah be very close sisters who have each other.
I do hope that you get this message and i do hope that u havent given up. Your pull to Islam is not by accident dear, its Allah swt. Say alhamdulillah, and i know its not easy and you dont understand some things that you feel. But the pull and the plunge is amazing, and its you trusting fully in Allah swt.
I need say a thing, your husband your family and parents and whoever, cannot stand in your way emotionally and physically, because you need please Allah swt only, and you will be blessed. It be very hard i know with your husband but in the end your journey to jannah is your own, your facing Allah swt at day of judgement is your time alone to face him swt. You will face all the road blocks and problems and people trying to discourage you. But this is when you make more dua.
im here sister, please let me be a friend. message me back soon insha Allah
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Salaam Alaykum my dear sisters and brothers......May Allah swt Bless You always....
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