LIVING A REAL LIFE SOAP OPERA
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Description: Discuss Family Issues
URL: https://www.islamicity.org/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=17878
Printed Date: 19 April 2024 at 8:38am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.03 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: LIVING A REAL LIFE SOAP OPERA
Posted By: Kouklanella
Subject: LIVING A REAL LIFE SOAP OPERA
Date Posted: 24 November 2010 at 2:02pm
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Hello: Let me start off by saying that my story is a complicated one. I am an Italian woman (34 years old) that was raised in a strict Italian family and went to Catholic school all her life. When I was 16, I met the love of my life, Khalid who was 23. Of course my parents were beside themselves that their only child was in love with an Arabic guy and a Muslim. We dated for approximately 6 years from 1992 to 1998. My parents eventually accepted him but everyone else in my family always had a comment. It just made it impossible for us to be together and that is why I decided to end it. I wish I would have died that day instead. He took my heart, soul, and my life the day he walked out my parents house crying. From the ages of 22 to 25 I was just crying in my room and focusing on school and moving ahead in my career. I just couldn't bare living with my parents as every room had a memory of me and khalid. Finally, in 2002 I agreed to marry my friends brother who fit the perfect profile...he was italian. However, my mind was always on Khalid. The only reason I went along with it was because I knew and believed in my heart that khalid hated me and I'm sure he would marry some beautiful girl and have 10 kids and I would be nothing, not even an after thought. I would have dreams of him all the time. I even went to Egypt and that destroyed me because I wanted to share this great experience with him. Everyone and everything reminded me of him. However, I always prayed to God that if God really existed, that Khalid would never, ever be able to forget about me like I never forgot about him! Before I got married, I told my mother, I will move on, be a success at my career, get married, but I only love one man and one man only for the rest of my life and I am never, ever having children. For most of my life I have been dedicated to my career as I am in the petroleum industry and have a very demading postion. So really, for the last 9 years I have been married to my career. Well, after years of rejection and being cold hearted, my husband decided to finally give up and said to me, you never loved me, I make you miserable and its so sad to always see you upset, angry and just so cold. He also wanted children, but I told him I would never, ever be able to do that and I even said I disliked kids and I couldn't do it due to my career and busy schedule. Truth is, the thought of having kids with someone else made and still makes me sick! I never envisioned my children with light brown hair and green eyes, but rather, black curly hair, big almond brown eyes, heart shaped lips and long beautiful eyelashes. That should have been my child with Khalid. Anyway...I didn't shed a tear over the divorce. Instead I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulder. Then almost immediately after the divorce, I received an email on Facebook. IT WAS MY KHALID! He said pumpkin (he used to call me that) is it really you...I tried calling you, your mom would hang up on me for years I tried contacting you, those flowers were for you, your mom sent them back. I love you even though its been 100 years...I love you! Needless to say, I almost passed out at my desk while at work! I just couldn't believe it! After 12 years, finally God answered my prayers for bringing my heart and soul back! I still don't believe it's him, I think I am dreaming! I told him everything in a matter of minutes. Everything I had ever wanted to say and tell him...I said it. I know that my getting married hurt him since he was my one and only man I had ever been with. He was living in Florida and has 3 children and his wife is in Israel. He also said that everyone knew about me and how much he loved only me, even his wife. He even wanted to name his daughter Antonella after me! I knew his family and they know our story and they too were always reminded of me because he would tell them he never got over me. He told me the same things I was feeling first. He had dreams about me, thought about me all the time and saw me in every italian thing he saw. Now The reason I never pursued finding him was because I thought he hated me and I didn't want to be in the situation that I am currently in. He literally picked up his kids and his mom and moved back to New York 2 weeks ago. We have not seen each other yet, but have a date in 2 weeks to see each other. I literally have a list of questions to ask him. Very serious and pointed questions ranging from marriage, kids, religion, career, etc...He says he wants to marry me and we deserve to be happy and we are each others soul mates! I believe he does love me, but I can't help but think of the kids and his wife. If it were me, I would be mortified. He calls me mother theresa and I shouldn't worry about what others say or think and they won't be surprised since everyone knows about me. It's time for us and we are meant to be together. Now I ask you, what should I do? Do I walk away or do I pursue this? I just feel awful about the kids and wife, but at the same time, I don't want anyone else and I love him more than myself. Please help. If you could explain the divorce process for Muslims here in the U.S. I would appreciate that too. I know about Talaq three times, but is that it to dissolve a marriage? Do I need to find out if they were married at a city hall or something too? I am just sooooooooo confused and I don't want my emotions to overtake my common sense. Also, is he technically committing adultry too by talking to me? I will never allow him to do anything to disrespect himself, his family, his children and me. I have told him this numerous times. I appreciate any guidance you can give me. Shucron! |
Replies:
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 29 November 2010 at 11:18am
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Walaikum Salaam, I don't have time to fully answer but will soon.. inshallah. Welcome to the Forum. BTW. Hayfa ------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: Kouklanella
Date Posted: 29 November 2010 at 11:25am
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Shucron, Hayfa! I look forward to your reply and guidance. Best regards, Antonella |
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 29 November 2010 at 5:56pm
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Is he still married to his wife? Would you be willing to be his 2nd wife? How would his first wife feel? ------------- "O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young." |
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 01 December 2010 at 11:50am
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I ditto Chrysalis's questions. Life is complicated is it not.. The question of being a co-wife is legitimate. People often do not understand it. But it is totally an option. Not perfect, but honestly, life is messy. It is good you are thinking of the other wife. Whatever his and her relationship, she is the mother of the children and always will be. she may love him as well. Marriage is about rights and responsibilities. How are things now? ------------- When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi |
Posted By: Kouklanella
Date Posted: 02 December 2010 at 4:55am
| Thank you both for taking the time to help me. He knows better than to ask me to be a second wife. I rather be dead first and he doesn't want multiple wives anyway. He is willing to give her the Talaq. I just want to know what that process entails. Is it really as easy as saying it 3 times on 3 separate occasions in front of people??? We have our meeting set for Thursday, Dec.9th so I will keep you posted if I have any questions and what happens. Believe me all I think about is the children. He found me and reached out to me first, although all these years I never had the guts because I didn't want to be in this situation, but everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be and God is willing, then so be it, but one thing I know for sure, is that we loved each other then and we love each other now, and we will for the rest of our lives. Shucron! |
Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 27 December 2010 at 1:33am
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Hello. I find it very interesting for you to say that he knows better to ask you to be a second wife. Because you have agreed to help this guy divorce his current wife for you. Well, I find your story to have alot of missing pieces. He may be the man of your dreams, but I feel like it is only that. Why would he easily leave his muslim wife? I just do not think that he is telling you completely the truth about what his intentions are. You said that it has been more than several years since you have talked to him. And people change from 16 to 34. I really believe that you are still in love to what he was when he was younger. Only time will tell you if he is your ideal husband. I just do not get a good feeling as I am reading your whole letter. There are alot of missing pieces. If he is comfortable in what he is doing and I am sure that you do not want to go through a second divorce, then why do you not just talk to an Imam. Ask him the same questions that are posted here. I think that you should just call any mosque and set up an appointment with the Imam or any muslim sister. Talk to her about what has really been happening with you and him, even alot of the conversations you have had with this guy. The imam will always guide you to what islams say about your situation. I know that you are not muslim but understanding what islam says may help you understand how he may act towards you later whenever he regains his conscious. I am just telling you boldly what I am thinking. you can correct me or reply your response as honest as you think is appropriate. I do hope that you find peace and happiness in your life in everything you do. Good luck because because I really feel like you will need alot of it. |
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 27 December 2010 at 6:57am
Excellent post Lady.
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Posted By: Kouklanella
Date Posted: 27 December 2010 at 11:57am
| dear sister i am the guy she was talking about. first my wife she is a christian, and for you to say abou imam im sorry but most of these guys have sexually mollested kids you dont know about islam like i do keep it for yourself and thanks for your precious advice. |
Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 28 December 2010 at 8:32pm
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AssalaamoAlaikum brother. Thanks for giving me more of an insight on your personality. I will say that I am flabbergasted that you said most imams have molested kids? Astafullah. Really? Interesting. I really think that we can not even say that about the pope, even though we hear alot of cases of molestation coming from them. I will say that I am speechless to a degree because your accusations about most imams is inprecisely bold and disturbing. I am hoping that you will go back and delete your this false statement.
Now, I will talk to your female friend, Kouklanella.
Kouklanella, I am sure that you too have read his statement about our imams. He is not telling you the truth about the imams. Ok. You can chose to believe me or not, but I am sure that if you have alittle bit of awareness, that you will see that there is some or all truth of what I am getting ready to say to you below.
Run as fast as you can from this guy because he is dangerous. If he is not telling you the truth about imams, then what kind of future husband you think he will become? Also too, i know that I do not want to continue to be part of a faith where most imams are molesting kids? hmmm. Anyway, let me stay focused because I want to help you because I believe that you are being gullible. you are 34 years old, which makes you older than me. Maybe I am the one ignorant. I advise you to please go talk to your family again. Tell them that you have decided to marry him, but tell them the truth about your situation. you do not need to be muslim to give common sense advise. We are born with it, but sometimes we refused to use it because of our lustful desires.
Happiness is not granted, it is earned. Whatever decision you make in your life, will be a precursor of how happy you are. I am living my life, and I dare do not want to force my ideas on someone who is an adult. ok. You ask for advice, and I gave you it based on what I was feeling. and what you wrote on this forum. I do not know your situation well, I only know what you tell me. And of course, I could be wrong. (sorry, but I am not). This guy does not want you consulting with imams. He knows what he should be doing but he does not want you to attain the knowledge from imams. ok. Anyway, he should not be talking to you alone at all. We do not believe in dating as muslim. ok. So if you want a happy marriage, then you have to start off right. You left out the reasons he wanted to divorce his wife. I assumed that it is because he claimed to love you more and he knows that you will not be the second wife. First of all, why is his wife in Israel, and her children are away from her. Foreigners usually bring their wife and the children to the US. If they had to chose one of them then the men usually will bring the wife first. Ok. But most of the times they come together. So maybe she is visiting her relatives. Why would she leave her kids behind other than a short term vocations she has taken. Ok. I wish you would have responded to me as woman to woman instead of having Mr. mysterious guy to reply. But I do know that everyone is different. The advice I gave you may have shattered your expectations of what you wanted to hear. It happens. As human beings we go through life wanting to know why we are not happy or why we have certain situations, but later on, when we take fully responsibility of our problems that is when we realize that we allow our MIND to not make decisions for us but our hearts. Women are very gullible. that is why alot of times, men make better decisions than we do because they think with their minds. And when a person's mind is clear and without drugs, it can really get you out of future messy problems. Kouklanella, I am worried about you because you seem so excited and assured about him. But what helps us to become better people is when we make mature decisions. In america, sometimes we have the attitude that we are mature enough to make decisions ourselves. But this cultural attitude has lead us astray many times. Just seek advice from family and friends, who love you. Who want to see you prosper, and happy. Some of them may even be prejudice because your guy friend is an arab. ok. but that is when you can take away the prejudice advice and listen to the sound advice. But please, if I am wrong then let me know because I am also open to change my thinking as well.
Seriously concern for you,
lady.
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Posted By: Hidden_Pearl
Date Posted: 13 February 2011 at 9:03pm
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Asalaamu aleikum- Is it me, or is this all insanity? What does any of this have to do with Islam? Are we counseling Christian/non-muslims about how to get back with their (married) boyfriends? Subhanallahh. I'm confused. |
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 15 February 2011 at 9:11pm
Wa'alaikum salaam Sis Everything has everything to do with Islam... as muslims we refer to Islam for each and every action... even relationships. SubhanAllah, even those of us who may not be fully practicing still look to Islam for approval in many aspects of their lives. If you take the time to read through all the posts dear Sis, you'll realize that all members are doing is helping the Poster through her problem. Nobody is asking her to do anything against Islam. Also even if the poster is a non-muslim, they still came here for help, and it is our duty to help within our means. Particularly since most relationship messes are partly due to the fault of the "Muslim" boyfriend. PS: Welcome to the forums! ------------- "O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young." |
Hidden_Pearl wrote:Posted By: Hidden_Pearl
Date Posted: 18 February 2011 at 5:01pm
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Asalaamu aleikum- Thank you for the welcome, but to be honest I don't think I will be here long! Why does no one say that what these people are doing is haram? Muslims shouldn't have "boyfriends/girlfriends, chat online to already married people- with whom they used to commit ZINA. Yes, the (married with kids) "boyfriend is sinning- but why counsel his kuffar lover? Any decent Imam wouldn't have time for such wicked nonsense- all you can say to such people is go away and stop sinning. End of story. |
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 20 February 2011 at 3:58am
Wa'alaikum salaam Sister. If you find something we said was islamically incorrect, rather than leave - feel free to correct us. Your opinion is welcome.
Thankyou for pointing that out. We get so many of similar posts on IC forum, that sometimes we think that we have already mentioned this, or that it is understood. But perhaps our Poster does not know this, (being a non-muslim) so it would be relevant to point this out). So for all Non-Muslim Women who are in a relationship with Muslim men (and vice-versa): If your lover is a Muslim - RUN! and run away as fast as you can, because they are most probably not a good person - because they don't respect you the way their religion taught them. And its a very bad sign. You are most probably destined for heartache. They are not supposed to exploit you, or your emotions, or your body - because they are not willing to commit to marriage. The ONLY WAY a good muslim has a right to the above PRIVILEGES is if they are married to the person in question. If they ignore that fact - 99% chances they are NOT a good person. So don't wait around to get heartbroken.
Also Sister - it would not be right for us to assume that the Poster committed Zina. (Btw, she is not a muslim, so we cannot judge her according to our own morals.) In Islam we are taught not to 'assume' bad upon another. We are helping her based on the info she provided. I also take offense to your statement 'why counsel his kuffar lover'. I have more sympathy and kindness towards the 'kuffar' in question, that her 'Muslim' lover. As your Sister in Islam I feel obliged to tell you that you sound very harsh! Where is the rahmah sister? If we are going to turn away 'people who sin' when they ask for counsel, what is exactly is our purpose in life? Live in our idealistic islam bubble? Do you know of ONE human being who does not sin? Sure, the severity of our sins may differ - because everybody has different circumstances & Jihads... but then that means that everybody should be told 'stop sinning & go away. I don't have time for you because apparently I am a better muslim than you who doesn't have time for your sinful problems' If I were a non-muslim, and I met such unsympathetic and harsh attitudes - why would I think Muslims were nice people? or that Islam may have a solution to my problems? I am sorry if I sounded harsh, or if I offended you. That was not my intention. However I felt strongly about this, and expressed myself. Also, perhaps you should look at Lady's advise. I thought it was very nice and to-the-point. Nobody condoned 'haraam' behavior here. Everybody was suggesting that marriage is a better alternative to her current situation... and even that is complicated and she should consider the kids & wife from the previous marriage. ------------- "O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young." |
Posted By: Hidden_Pearl
Date Posted: 20 February 2011 at 3:30pm
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Asalaamu aleikum- I do agree with most of what you said. Nevertheless, I cannot agree that "marriage is a better alternative to her situation", in fact, to suggest that contradicts your advice to "Run!... because they are probably not a good person". Anyway, someone may be a "good person" by the standards of society, yet not be a "good muslim", in the sense of not behaving Islamically, according to the dictates of their Lord or fearing Allah SWT. It doesn't seem that there is anything salvageable in this "relationship", and there is too much haram in it. This man is playing, he is not acting honourably as a muslim man/husband/father. In fact, he is actively giving her a bad example of Islam- eg "imams are child-molesters"???!!!The woman views her "relationship" with him purely in terms of a western romantic love affair. And there is a wife and children to boot, who will be effected. How will his marrying this "lover" make everything ok? It will not, and it can not. They must both make sincere tauba, in the first instance- well, ostensibly as a muslim He can, but can SHE as a non-muslim/Catholic? I think only a muslim can make tauba, or someone at least who wants to do so and enter the fold of Islam. I don't think she ever says she wishes to revert- correct me if I am wrong. And, although the Qu'ran says that a man may marry women from among the "people of the book", that woman must be a believing, practicing person, not just nominally a christian or a jew. AND she must be "chaste". Don't forget THAT! How many actually qualify, according to the criteria of the Qu'ran? And astaghfiruallah, if I make any mistakes, and Allah SWT knows best. |
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 21 February 2011 at 10:10pm
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Wa�alaikum salaam Sis. Yes � our first advice would be to raise the warning signals to the Sister. We can tell her as Muslims that the gentleman she is in love with does not fit the criteria of a good person in our community. Even according to her society it should raise blaring warning signals � he seems insincere & dishonest that he would be willing to cheat on his current wife, and play games with her like that. She should try to move on and cut contact with him. The marriage suggestion was based on the scenario; if despite our warnings, she decides to carry out this r/ship. We should tell her that Islam provides an alternative to sinning/cheating/dishonesty. Islam allows her that option, to get divorced and marry someone else.
I Agree.
Which is why we are telling her to stay away from the �Haraam� by 1) -> Recognizing warning signs and staying away from him, (Lady�s Post) We also pointed out to the Sister that she should think about the Man�s current wife & kids. Would she want that on her conscience? A second marriage/ divorce would surely be devastating to them. One should not be selfish in love. We should also be aware Sis, that when 2 people are in love. They are literally in blind & in denial. If the Sister fails to see our logic � we cannot convince her. However we can provide her an alternative to sinning / dishonorable actions. If she is hell bent on being with the person (despite our warning), at least she should get married to him. We can only speculate as to what their circumstances are. Whether or not we like it, she can legally/islamically marry him. And marriage is a better alternative to having an affair. That�s the �next best thing� sis. And the �next best thing� may not be ideal according to you & me, but it is better than sinning/ cheating/ dishonorable actions. Hence our advice. ------------- "O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young." |
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 21 February 2011 at 10:11pm
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Why would she revert? If I were she, and I was duped by a muslim once, � and then when I approached some for help� I were shrugged off because they assumed I had sinned, and judged me, and told me as a non-muslim my chances for Tauba were slim� why on earth would I think Islam had anything to offer? Sis, the most beautiful thing about Islam, and the Sunnah of our Prophet was the humanity & Rahmah involved in it� we should be inclusive in Islam, not exclusive. Also, how can we tell if she �wants to�? Only Allah & she alone know that. I don�t think non-Muslims start out by �wanting to� to accept Islam. Nobody plans or intends on leaving the religion of their forefathers. It only happens if they come across the benefits or truth that the other ideology offers. Give her the space & time, and freedom�. And the benefit of doubt.
Jews & Christians are �people of the book�, are they not? How do we know if she is a believing/practicing Christian? As for chastity� �she must be chaste� � Why just the Sister? The �Muslim� man in question is not very �chaste� from what we have gathered� you would have him not marry her for �chastity�? The Qur�an also says that if two people have committed zina (premarital sex) they should get married. Same ayah you are referring to I think. Scholars also advise that if two people have made a mistake/zina � they should get married. If two people have compromised their chastity with one another � they should marry each other. ------------- "O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young." |
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 21 February 2011 at 10:17pm
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Wanted to add: I feel strange talking on 'behalf' of the poster, and talking of her in third-person as if she were not here (about her, her situation etc). Hope she doesn't find it rude. Maybe she should chip in? ------------- "O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young." |
Posted By: Hidden_Pearl
Date Posted: 24 February 2011 at 2:54pm
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Asalaamu aleikum- Well, when I speak about reversion to Islam, I'm speaking from experience as I am a revert myself, alhamdulillah. And why I pointed out that the woman must be chaste- and didn't mention the man- was because I was referring to what it says in Qu'ran about this- ie. that if a muslim man wants to marry a woman from the ah'l al kitab then she must be "chaste". I don't really have any more to say on this topic- it really fills me with sadness and distaste. Ironically, when I first reverted to Islam and was very naive and new to everything, THIS sort of thing was exactly what I wanted to get away from- ie. all the fitna and haram that people tend to think is "normal" in an un-Islamic society. I thought other muslims wanted that as well, but then I learned that not everyone was is idealistic and excited to practice their religion as I am. It's a grave pity that men like this are giving others such a bad image of Islam. But Allah SWT guides whom He wills... |
Posted By: haniyyya
Date Posted: 08 April 2011 at 3:24am
| hi nella so how do you feel knowing he has a wife and kids and now he will leave his wife just for you and suddenly she just have to deal wit it coz only your heart and khalids needs to be happy it must be exciting to actually looking forward to someone getting deeply hurt! and if that had been done to you you would be terrified but to hell with khalids wife's feelings right? she is just a fish in the sea but you are the mermaid! the behaviour you showed to your husband was completely wrong .... on the day of qiyaamah you will stand infront of Allah with your deeds not with khalid or your career and when your six feet underground khalid isnt gona be there cudling you but you will be with your deeds, my unconditionaL RESPECT haniyyya |
Posted By: khabira
Date Posted: 04 November 2011 at 5:00am
| Hidden Pearl, I agree with you on this. I don't understand why the poster would come here to seek advise then show him the advise she has been given, and allow him to post such an irresponsible reponse. This is non-sense. Lady gave her very logical advise to which she didn't respond, but instead allowed him to make his outlandish comment. |
Posted By: honeto
Date Posted: 08 November 2011 at 3:00pm
Salam everyone, sometimes its just a few words that can paint a good picture of the one uttering them. Still we can pray that may Allah guide him to the right. Hasan ------------- The friends of God will certainly have nothing to fear, nor will they be grieved. Al Quran 10:62 |