Newlywed ...Unhappily Married

Asalamulaikum,

I'm new to this and have no idea how to start. I have never done anything like this; speaking out to a community of sisters. Anyway, enough blabbering, I have been married for 4 months now, Alhamdulillah, but my living situation is quite complicated.

We do not live together as our house has been under construction. At the start of our marriage, we had an issue with tenants. They were asked to leave upon the finality of their contract (March), but apparently had "problems" finding new accomodation. Allah SWT knows best. The ended up leaving after a whole month of marriage. The house was not in the best condition, hence the construction. Alhamdulillah we are both local to one another and have families who have supported us. (Reason I don't live with his family is due to family problems on his side).

It was a typical scenario; he would come over everyday and spend time with me, we'd go out, etc. In between, he found a new job and then had to give that more time, which I totally understand and respect. I know it requires hard work to get and keep a job. However, over time, he would come over less and I'd see him on the weekend. He would message me now and then throughout the day. As more time passed, more specifically the last 8 weeks, I have barely heard from him, via messaging/calls, let alone receive a visit.

I'm quite shy and find it hard to speak out, but I have made myself ask him why. His responses are always "I'm tired after work, I'm busy with training at work, work need to make me permanent so I need to give it more time, I have things to do". When this first happened, he apologized, I accepted it. When it happened again, he apologized again, I accepted it...again. Over time, the contact decreases and when he does come to see me, he acts like everything is okay and it's just me being over dramatic and causing an issue where there isn't one. It's been bothering me a lot more the last 4 weeks as when I try to reach out to him, via messages or calls, he doesn't respond till the next day...and that's only because I've messaged him yet again to ask where he is? But still, he doesn't see fault in his actions and twists it on me.

I don't know what to do. Everyone tells me that once we move in, InshaAllah things will improve as you'll be together. However, his actions over the last two months have shown me a side that I don't care for or appreciate. I can't just ignore that behaviour and let it slide because we weren't living together. I'm not saying I'm a perfect, faultless wife or Muslim; I practise but there is much room for improvement. May Allah SWT make it easy for us all.

All of this has made me see him in a new light and I feel unhappy. I always come across quotes on social media about how it's the husband's duty to make his wife feel special, and how the woman is fragile, the importance of a wife (ofcourse, the husband has a huge stand too) etc, and it makes me cry. A wife is supposed to be valued and loved and cared for; I feel like I'm opposing, burdensome and just a nuisance as he doesn't have time for me and can't make time. Then I tell myself I'm just being dramatic and can't let the devil make me feel this way (as if often leaves you questioning separation and divorce, may Allah SWT protect us from such). I know these things are allowed, I just don't see my "issue" reason enough to consider them.

I didn't think I would ever let something get to me so much, but it's becoming quite hard for me to deal with. I find myself crying at random moments and it's been a regular occurrence for the last month.

I'm sorry, I hope I haven't bored you guys. I need to stop rambling. I know it's not a major problem, as some people deal with a lot more and worse. I'm just finding it difficult to deal with it alone. My family see it but I try to play cool and act like it doesn't bother me. My friends are Alhamdulillah happily married and I don't want to unload on them...or anyone actually. I'm so grateful to Allah SWT for blessing me with an amazing family and friends, and even for a spouse. Alhamdulillah. Though he's been behaving oddly, Masha'Allah he's practising and has knowledge. Which makes it harder for me to understand his actions.

May Allah SWT guide us all to the straight path, increase us in Imaan, goodness, supplication. May He make the easy difficult and grant us mercy and His endless blessings. I pray that He grants you all pious and righteous spouses and children, and protects you from all evil.

Asalamulaikum