In Desperate Need of help... pls Help

Asalaam alaikum,

Brothers and sisters I desperately seek for an advice on a personal matter as i really dont know how to deal with it.,

i'm new in here and was hoping to get some helpful advice. i'm so depressed about a recent issue in my marriage.

i'm 29 years old Mualaf sister who have been married for almost 6yrs and have a 3yrs old son. My husband and i are from diffirent nationality, we met in UAE about 8yrs ago through same company we work.

The first time i have met my husband i was fascinated about his character being a very religious muslim man, he never miss his prayers and always strict to follow all the rules of Islam Muslim faith. My husband is the one who guide me and teach me all about Muslim beliefs and everything about Islam. We become very good friends he introduce me to his muslim friends male and female and they all guide me.

My husband soon went for Umroh and the time he come back to my surprise he come to me telling that he wanted me to be his wife, he never showed interest in me more than a friend like a sister he care of but my heart was overwhelmed he was a good man so i agree, but then he said that there is one rule he give himself before he could give his final decision about marriage. He ask me to go with him to visit his country and personally meet his family especially his mother whom he respect and love the most, and he told me that if his mother would agree for him to marry me he would marry me right there and then.

i met his family and they were all good especially his mother i stay with his mother and he stay in his big sister house during the whole vacation. Then after 2 weeks of being with his family my husband talk to his mother and ask her what she think about me? and he ask if his mother will give him her blessing to marry me, his mother agree and give us her blessing. We soon prepare a simple muslim marriage and went back to work. That day was the best day of my life.

My husband is very loving and caring towards me but due to work issue and financial we wanted to save for our future my husband and i live apart due to having diffirent work place and accomodation givin. We stay that way till we have enough savings to have a house back to his country the same time we were expecting our baby. as i have to deliver the baby and take care of our new born we both decided that i have to go back and stay in our house in his country, My husband send me and went back to his work in UAE for us to save enough money before he can move back to work in his country. it took almost 3yrs before my husband decided that its enough working abroad and time to go home, He found a great opportunity and get a position he was aiming for back home just he has to work in diffirent place far from where we live. He just come home once a week during his off and spend a day with us for a family time then travel back to his work. The plan was for him to just work for sometime to save the extra money to get us a house near his place so he can come home to us everyday, as i cannot leave our other house due to the promise i made to him and his mom to look after his youngest sister who's still not matured enough to be able to live by herself, and my husband being the most responsible of all his siblings and the one who is trusted the most by his mother we have to accept all of it and i am not agaisnt in anything about it i love and respect his family a lot. Just for me the sad part is me and my son is not able to be with him everyday my son has to grow up not having much quality time with him but am always patient with it all, i just put everything in prayer and to Allah to keep my husband safe everytime for us.

My husband as i know him and everyone else is a very responsible and dedicated man, he is the kind of person that is dedicated to his work and his family very hard working that is why he got his goals and dreams fullfilled i can say he is a very successful guy when it comes to work.

But then just recently ive seen changes in him, just after he got promoted he has changed a lot as i feel it. He said, "He never changed he's just having a very stressful job going on right now, it makes him sensitive and moody".

i dont think so it is the only reason, i felt there is something else behind the work stressing him off. i observe him closely and so much things missing in our relationship that we used to have.

*Before - We used to talk about everything, about life and our future plans.
Now - He don't talk to me about those things anymore.

*Before - He used to share with me everything, talk about how his day went and things he do.
Now - We rarely talk on phone, most of the time he only sends me message telling his already in his room and his tired thats all.

*Before - He used to be very fun to be with, we never had a day without laughter he loves to make a joke just to make me laugh.
Now - whenever his home he either just sleep all day or watch football.

*Before - We used to have long hours of conversation talking about anything or just having a silly chat and laugh
Now - it only takes us few minutes of conversation or he just keep quiet even were in same room.

*Before - He used to be very intimate and loving
Now - things he does felt like he is only doing it coz he has to. half hearted and seems his mind is floating somewhere else.

Though still we have a good relation when were together i am the kind of person who doesnt like adding pressure to anyone even if sometimes i got hurt i just keep it to myself and just cry alone at night and put everything to prayer and leave everything to Allah. My husband and i respect each other very much, We never fight, i can only count how many times we have disagreements and we always seem to find a way to deal with it.
Just the diffirence now is if ever we have something we disagree, he will just say "its up to you" or "ok".

I felt there is something wrong, i have this feeling in me that i just wanna ignore it coz i dont want to ruin our trust and marriage.

But theres this feeling that make my chest feel heavy its difficult to breath and i dont get it.

I tried to talk to his very best friend about it and he told me he dont believe my husband would do such thing. but one time he did confront my husband about it to let him confess if he really is doing something else aside from work and my husband do swear in the name of Allah "he dont and would never do such thing". I wanna believe it i dont wanna ruin my trust in him.

But the feeling gets a lot stronger just after me and my son visit my husband just few days ago and stay in his place, he live in hotel where he work as Hotel Manager.

Something i found that bothers me a lot till now.

Just the first day we are here everything goes the usual. My husband went down to start his duty checking his staffs and guests and my son and i left in the room.

i was clearing my son's mess wiping the floor with wet tissue when i found a hair, long hair and what goes my mind "this can't be my hair" i checked it properly, its much longer than mine the texture is diffrent and the color of it. i felt so upset but i dont wanna run into conclusion so i move on cleaning to clear my mind when again i found hair not only one but more. maybe less than 15 strands.

My heart pounds fast what's on my mind "if that hair is from housekeeping its impossible to leave 15 strands of hair in a room right? ".

I felt angry i wanted to cry i am so confused but try to calm myself down and figure things out by myself if something is going on i wont ask confront my husband without having proof and knowing what am talking about.

So i message his good friend who work in the same hotel brand that my husband is working, asking about the standard of the hotel. Do they have female housekeeper? and guess what his friend says? all of the hotel in same brand name as them never take a female staff for housekeeping as it is a very tough job to do, and as standard for woman's safety for we are in muslim country.

That felt the world has crashed on me, i wanted to cry. i wanna ask him about it but i dont know how to do so?

I dont know where to start, the only thing that was on my mind "i dont wanna ruin my son's image of him my son look after him and adore him a lot".

So i act fine and nothings wrong but it really is killing me inside. i dont know how to open up the topic coz all i wanted is the truth and for him to be honest

I dont mind how painful it will be if ever he will tell me he has someone else.
All i wanna know the truth and the reason why.

Im so confused and depressed, we do cuddle every night having a great time.

I pretend to be alright for the sake of my son, but this issue is really killing me.

Im so confused...

Sorry for the very long post...
i just felt i need to breath it out to clear my chest.
Please someone guide me. I feel so lost.
I cant even tell anyone about it coz its such a private matter



thanks a lot for reading...
a meaningful advice is very much appreciated.

Dear sister;
Asalam e likum

yeah, ur msg is in much detail and at a point, i felt im watching a movie....

its really painful. and i think i can understand that it will be difficult for you to believe it as he has always been a loving husband and a loving father. plus, the level of respect and trust you both have, also makes it difficult for you to ask him directly what went wrong and why???

usually couple give priority to money over their relationship as they want to get settled as soon as possible. this is not bad but sometimes it ruins the beauty and strength of their relationship.

i donot know, i should say it or not, but men are different than women... women love smooth and calm lives, but usually men need excitement, thrill and change.... and it leads them unconsciously to do certain things that they should not.

though in your case nothing is proved. but you should make precautions as your scenes are giving you alerts..... yeah, you should start living with your husband now. tell him that you miss him so much and now this is not possible for you to live apart. plus make some changes in your look. get a hair cut, get few new dresses for yourself... plan a trip... go back in time and behave as a newly wed wife :)

you may be curious to know who was she and y he did this but i think just keep it aside for sometime. see if he turns to be the same as he was previously then i guess you should not disclose that you know something... he will feel guilty within himself for sure and regret on what he did... but if you talk to him about the matter there are chances that he gets defensive and the distance between both of you increases....

make s habit of reciting "YA WADUDO" numerous times everyday. blow it on food, tea he takes. Insha-Allah things will get better :)

lots of prayers - wasalam

lady wrote: Salaam sister. I feel so bad that you are hurting. I think that you should tell him in a calm matter what you are assuming about him. Tell him that you found 15 strands of hair in your room.� Do not tell him that you communicate with his friend about the standard rules of the hotel.� This would be a big mistake to tell him that.� You should never reveal problems in your marriage to your son. It is always best to hide your husband's fault with your son or your future children. The way you are writing this post, I can easily assume that you take great care of yourself. Because you seemed to be so concern for your husband.� You could be wrong but then again you may be right. If you are not a suspicious person and not overly jealous then ask yourself why you have such a strong feeling that he may have another lover.� You are such a clever woman.� It is best to ask him face to face.� No one knows your husband as you. And you seem to be that type of lady who is so attentive to him. So you would know by his answer and his approach to your accusations if he is telling the truth or not.� I pray to Allah that it is a lie and that you guys will have the once great marriage like you had before.� I dont think that men are so different that they do things unconsciously. When a person cheats on his wife, he knows he is doing wrong.� People do major/minor sins when they stop fearing Allah. And it can only take a second for that fear to be lost.� Of course, you can always regain it� and blah blah blah.� Cheating can disrupts� the entire ummah.� It is does not just affect the immediate family and friends.� It is so poisonous.� Treating the wife or husband well is such a huge blessing that it is sad that people dont value that blessing from Allah.I hope that you are feeling well and that Allah has healed his and your heart. �

thank you so very much sister for your warm comment i do appreciate it a lot.

for now all i do is pray for Allah to give me so much strenght and ask for guidance for me to do the right thing.

i leave everything to Allah whatever happen in my life i trust my whole being to my mighty God

all i do now is do the best i can to be a much better person and wife than i was before, if maybe what i was before isn't good enough.

i add more on my prayers sunnah and just let my Almighty God have it and takeover my life, if things happen out of my expectations then ill accept everything ikhlas and take it as my destiny.

i trust Allah with all my life and i know everything that happens to me has a reason whatever the reason is only Allah knows and i will accept it with all my faith as i know my Almighty God wont ever let me leave in sufferings and trials i cannot handle.

once again thank you so very much for your support and prayer it ease my heart just to read that someone out there give a moment of their personal time to include me in their prayer...

thank you so much sister
may Allah bring you blessings and abundance in return of your kind heart...

Asslamu Alaikum