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problems with my husband |
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sister yasmeen 
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Joined: 28 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2 |
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 Topic: problems with my husbandPosted: 28 June 2005 at 1:07pm |
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my salaams
sisters at this time i am in need of you. I have been married two years and this isn't going well. we have one child together and two with someone else. My husband has a problem with his mouth the things that comes out makes me sick he call me names and make me feel bad. We have had times when we had fights and the cops were called. I don't know what to do i don't want my son with out his father around but i don't know how it will be if we stay together.Insh'allah things will get better for us but what can i do to help things to get better he say he want's to stay but i am not sure anymore. |
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ummziba
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Female Joined: 16 March 2005 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1158 |
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Posted: 28 June 2005 at 4:22pm |
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Assalamu alaikum Sister Yasmeen, I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. I don't know the answers but I'll do what I can to suggest things that might help. Please excuse me if I ask some questions, but it would help to know the situation a little better. Do you live in a community where there is a masjid (mosque)? If your husband is Muslim, does he attend masjid at all? Does he pray salat 5 times a day? I am only asking to see how "religious" he is. If he truly believes in Allah and wants to please Allah, perhaps helping him to change might be easier. You might have one of the brothers at your masjid (who you could trust) speak with him, or your imam. Do you have family near by (his or yours?). Sometimes having a close family member intervene on your behalf can help. Sister, I know it is difficult, but try to have much patience. If you can make yourself not "react" in a negative manner to your husband when he bad mouths you, but keep patient and return only kindness to him, he might soon learn that his meaness is not getting the reaction he likes. It might help him see how mean he is being. Sister, I tell you this from first hand experience, as far as being treated with meaness goes. My husband did this to me for years. I used to get mad back or cry or give him the silent treatment - all those things we try when someone is mean to us. Of course, they never worked. Through the Grace of Allah, I realized one day that my negative reaction was what fueled my husband's desire to be mean - it gave him a power over me. Pray sincerely to Allah to give you patience and courage. Try to always counter your husband's meaness with only kindness and calmness. It might really anger him even more at first, but, if you persevere, he may learn to let go of his need to have power over you in this way. I don't know if this will work, or if you can even make yourself try something so hard. I pray that you will be able to. Please, keep writing here to keep me up to date on how you are doing. If you prefer, you can private message me instead. Peace, ummziba. |
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~
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ummziba
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Female Joined: 16 March 2005 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 1158 |
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Posted: 28 June 2005 at 4:41pm |
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Assalamu alaikum Sister Yasmeen, I should mention that your post will probably get moved from this category eventually as it is not appropriate here. Don't worry, you will find it again somewhere else, most likely under "Sisters", I would think. And, by the way, I forgot to mention in my first post, my husband is hardly ever mean to me anymore! When he is, he knows it and regrets it. Things are so much better now, alhamdulillah! Peace, ummziba. |
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~
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allah akbar
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Joined: 22 April 2005 Status: Offline Points: 7 |
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Posted: 06 July 2005 at 1:13pm |
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assalam alikum i am sorry to hear this, im going through kind of the same thing as u can read my problem under "sisters".it is very hard to figure out what is the right thing to do.all i can tell you is you have to be patient.i hope everything gets better for you. |
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Noah
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Joined: 25 June 2005 Status: Offline Points: 199 |
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Posted: 19 July 2005 at 3:47pm |
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Im not a sister but i am angered over this, and cant keep my mouth shut.
You need to tell your man to treat you with respect or leave. To put up with it, will damage your son more in the end. And if your word are not enough for him. lets look at GOD's [ 4:1] O mankind! reverence your Guardian-Lord, who created you from a single person, created, of like nature, His mate, and from them twain scattered (like seeds) countless men and women;- reverence God, through whom ye demand your mutual (rights), and (reverence) the wombs (That bore you): for God ever watches over you. I can give you a lot more, about how marriage is a sign from our Rabb. that he created us to LOVE eachother in mutual...MUTUAL binding. But perhaps you need these advices from our Rabb more...inshaAllah you will find a way out of this. "If a woman fears separation or desertion from her husband, the couple shall try to reconcile their differences, for conciliation is best for them. Selfishness is a human trait, and if you do good and lead a righteous life, GOD is fully Cognizant of everything you do." (4/128) "The men are made responsible for the women by what GOD has preferred them over each other and for what they have spent of their monies. The righteous women will accept this arrangement, since it is GOD's commandment, and honor their husbands during their absence. And for those whom you fear separation, you shall: 1) try and talk to them, 2) abstain from the bed room, 3) separate from them. If they obey you, you are not permitted to transgress against them. GOD is Most High, Supreme." (4/34) I have no idea in the world why everybody thinks those advices are for men only. But if any of these fails... "If you still fear a separation between them, you shall appoint an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family; if they wish to reconcile, GOD will help them. GOD is Omniscient, Cognizant." (4/35) call upon family from both sides "And if you divorce the women, once they fulfill their interim, do not advise them against remarrying their husbands if they have reconciled amicably. This shall be heeded by those among you who believe in GOD and the Last Day. This is purer for you, and more righteous. GOD knows, while you do not know." (2/232) and most important. Use your God given head sister. Dont let anyone give you bad advices. Peace Noah |
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Noah
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Joined: 25 June 2005 Status: Offline Points: 199 |
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Posted: 20 July 2005 at 12:22pm |
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Power to you sister. As the Quran teaches, counter evil with good. You are the living proof that our Rabb are ever right. I think our sister would do well to take this advice mashaAllah. God bless your soul Peace Noah |
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Sarkeranwar
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Joined: 27 March 2005 Status: Offline Points: 37 |
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Posted: 27 July 2005 at 12:35am |
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In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful Assalamu Alaykum sister Roots of all problems stem from our not obeying Allah & His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and whatever they have commanded us to follow. Allah has commanded us to be dutiful to Him and He promised us to give a good life in this world & reward us Paradise in the Hereafter if we work righteousness. Allah says in the Holy Quran (interpretation of the meaning): 4:1. O mankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single person (Adam), and from him (Adam) He created his wife [Hawwa (Eve)], and from them both He created many men and women and fear All�h through Whom you demand your mutual (rights), and (do not cut the relations of) the wombs (kinship). Surely, All�h is Ever an AllWatcher over you. and 16:97. Whoever works righteousness, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter). It should be clear from the above Verses that if we do not adhere to what Allah has commanded then we have no way to expect a good life in this world nor can we have any assurance of Paradise in the Hereafter. Therefore, in order to resolve your problems, both you and your husband should strive to lead your lives according to Allah's Law. Please remember that Allah sent us here to worship Him Alone and also to test us as to which one of us is more dutiful to Him. Moreover, please remember that everything we do in our life should for the sake of Allah Alone but not for other purposes as Allah has informed us in the following Verse: 6:162. Say (O Muhammad SAW): "Verily, my Sal�t (prayer), my sacrifice, my living, and my dying are for All�h, the Lord of the 'Alam�n (mankind, jinns and all that exists). Please also read the following Verse carefully, 4:34. Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because All�h has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to All�h and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what All�h orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.)..... The wife is commanded to obey her husband, so long as it does not involve sin. If her husband tells her to do something that is not a sin, then she is obliged to obey him. Allaah has given this right to men, because they are in charge of the family and are responsible for it, and family life cannot run smoothly unless one of its members is in charge and is listened to and obeyed. But this does not mean that the man is allowed to dominate or exploit this right in order to mistreat his wife and children, rather he must strive hard to do a good job, to offer sincere advice and consult with them. I would suggest you and your husband to study the following questions & answers from Islam Q&A which are based on the Holy Quran and Sunnah and are very much relevant to your problems. What are the rights of the husband and what are the rights of the wife? http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=10680&dgn=4 Wife complaining of husband�s mistreatment http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=482&dgn=4 Knowing how to handle the marital relationship http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=2300&dgn=4 Arguments with her husband � she is asking how to become a righteous wife http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=11440&dgn=4 A husband who humiliates his wife http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=8037&dgn=4 Conflict between spouses http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=2076&dgn=4 She screamed in her husband�s face although she had made a promise to Allaah that she would stop doing that http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=69834&dgn=4 She is complaining that her husband does not give her her marital rights http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=23283&dgn=4 Should a man listen to his wife�s suggestions and consult her about matters? http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=36748&dgn=4 Obeying one�s husband comes before obeying one�s parents and siblings http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=43123&dgn=4 Why should the wife obey her husband? http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=13661&dgn=4 Does the husband have to make his wife happy? http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=43166&dgn=4 Obedience is only with regard to that which is right and proper http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=11872&dgn=4 She has gone off him and doesn�t want to have any intimacy with him in bed http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=12509&dgn=4 Shar�i procedures when a wife rebels http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=22216&dgn=4 The problem of a wife being left alone because the husband works long hours http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&QR=6713&dgn=4 Jurisprudence and Islamic Rulings > Transactions > Category: Marriage http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=brows e&CR=343&dgn=4 May Allah relief both of you from your distress and instill in your hearts tranquility for each other. |
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Noah
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Joined: 25 June 2005 Status: Offline Points: 199 |
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Posted: 27 July 2005 at 5:08am |
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Peace sister. Pay no attention to those fatwas. Whoever made them are
out of their minds, and quote out of context to prove that yo are you
husbands property, slave, and whore who should be willing at all time.
Let me give you an example out of MANY i found on thise links.
�And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them�
[al-Baqarah 2:228] Note
all the insertaion brackets explaining what hadith thinks. Let scrabe
it down to Quran, thus our GODS wishes again, and lets look at the
whole verse The divorced women shall wait
three menstruations (before marrying another man). It is not lawful for
them to conceal what GOD creates in their wombs, if they believe in GOD
and the Last Day. (In case of pregnancy,) the husband's wishes shall
supersede the wife's wishes, if he wants to remarry her. The women have
rights, as well as obligations, equitably. Thus, the man's wishes
prevail (in case of pregnancy). GOD is Almighty, Most Wise. now whats this? The verse he wants to use to show you is
about you obsolute obedience (he uses this verse in all the links
nearly, to prove just this) Has to do with divorce, and nothing else.
it doesnt have some secret hidden meaning that only mullahs can get out
of the Quran. Or actually thats not true, only a mullah would have the
nerve to twist the words of God to his own sh*tty agenda like that. And if you dont belive the verse is about divorce, take a look at this.
and
heres where the dog is burried. Except if you end up in a debate that
cannot be solved through dialogue. So after trying again and again, he
can triumph you, as is his right as provider for your family. And thats
it. that what God means when he says he has given men a little
advantage. its a little advantage based on efford for the family, not
royalty, or kinghood. Peace Noah |
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Sister, I tell you this from first hand
experience, as far as being treated with meaness goes. My husband did
this to me for years. I used to get mad back or cry or give him the
silent treatment - all those things we try when someone is mean to us.
Of course, they never worked. Through the Grace of Allah, I realized
one day that my negative reaction was what fueled my husband's desire
to be mean - it gave him a power over me.