Duties to Inlaws

Assalamu Alaikum:

Many of the Friday khutbahs here are about this problem and the problem of men not treating their wives well. The Imam keeps giving the lectures, so apparently they aren't working very well. It is hard to change custom, and some people have no reason to change if they are gaining from mistreatment.

I have not met my huband's parents, although from phone conversations and what he has told me, his father is very quiet and submissive and his mother is very domineering and would try to boss me around. I am just too old and tired to allow this though.

In my first marriage, my husband was not a good Muslim, his mother was wonderful. She came and stayed with us many times and was always very sweet and loving. It is because of her and her quiet patience that I first became truly curious about Islam. I remember seeing her praying and she would stay in sujjud forever. I often wondered how she raised three such manipulative sons.

My husband gets along very well with my family, even though they are not Muslims. But my family does not interfere in any way and basically they mind their own business. We do not live close to any of them, so we are not subjected to smoking or drinking or haraam behavior. We just talk to them on the phone and visit and it's very nice.

My good friend here has a serious in-law problem. When she first got married her father-in-law moved in and treated her like less than  a maid. The day after she gave birth he came into her room and demanded tea. The sad thing is, she made it. She was very young and madly in love with her husband and just didn't want any trouble. She is older now and puts her foot down more often, but still puts up with a lot.

I told her I would never allow my husband's family or my husband to treat me in this manner, and that she needs to stick up for herself because it was obvious no-one else would.

It's true what Dr. Phil says, we teach people how to treat us. Islamically this can be a little more tricky, but there is nothing in Islam that allows us to be treated badly. So, if your in-laws are doing so, it is because you let them. If you let them to keep your marriage, then maybe you should ask yourself: do you want to be married to a man who would allow his wife to be treated SO badly?

Bismillah,

Dear Sister Ahsi,

Forgive them and it will be easier for you.  Forgiveness is really hard, but the most important thing to make life easier between humans.  You will let go of your stress when you forgive them.  So if you are still stressed about it, maybe the forgiveness isn't complete and you need to pray more about it.

You aren't responsible for their deen.  Some people who learn about religion and find others who are "born" into it not practising feel that it is their duty to tell them every little thing that they are doing wrong.  When this happens people become bitter, angry and vengeful.

You can't change them, but you can change how you feel about them.  I am so sorry that you have found an in-law family that is not welcoming and loving to you.  In Shah Allah, you benefit from them somehow in the future, but for now, thank Allah, SWT, that you have your Islamicity Family to be there for you!  I would be glad to know you as many of us here would.  Pm us, Sister, and we will help you feel better about this situation.