I hate living with my in-laws

Asalaamu alaikum,

I was searching on this topic and I came upon ur post..I have been having the same problem, married 8 months ago to my first cousin, living with the inlaws n having the same issues with mil...i wuz wondering since this post has been written. In 2005, wat has happened in ur life since and did u get a chance to leave ur inlaws...im in the exact situation u are in..he is the eldest son n is taking care of the family financially...my mil makes us fight...im depressed and hopeless...i hope to get some positive feedback from u...i was living abroad before marriage n I movedback home after..before marriage evryone wuz good after they all changed..i did love marriage with cousin n the only reason im bearing all is becoz of him he is gud to me,,but his parents r horrible...plz advise thanx

Salaam Sister Rashidr,

You so sound so much more Peaceful now. You sound very calm, as if a big burden has been lifted off your shoulders. Alhumduallah, you finally got the keys to your own apartment! You are finally gaining your Freedom, and that is such a blessing. I am proud of you for standing up for your rights--and look, now you have your own home.  

There is a saying, "a Beehive can only have 1 Queen".  So, move forward into your new home, and don't look back to the old life. You are an adult, soon to be a Mother and a college graduate. You're a  Woman now. Live your life in Freedom and Peace. Decorate and enjoy your new home, and do the things that make you happy. Maybe you can join some Muslim Mothers Groups or Halaqua, so that way you'll have a new friends (outside of family) and new things to do. Live your Own Life. Be Happy.

I agree with your husband for being kind to his Parents. That is our obligation to Allah; and may Allah forgive me if I made it appear that he should be disrespectful to his parents. He is right in that regard. And he did the right thing by giving you your own home.

Now that you have your own home, I hope the time alone with your husband will strengthen your bond and bring you both happiness.

You know, I was thinking about something. You said that you have dreams that in a few years, you will have to move back in with his Parents. And you said that your husband has said that he will move back in with them, and never say "no" if they ask... Maybe in a few weeks, you should have a long talk with your husband. When I was growing up--my mom taught me this about marriage: She said, "You will either live your life on "his terms", or "your terms"--always live life on "your terms". Rashidr, Its clear that your husband's family belives their daughter-in-laws are obligated to "take care of them" and "serve them". That is their family/cultural tradition.  But, you made it clear that is Not how you want to live your life, and you absolutely have that right...Sister, You should let your husband know that unless his mother and father are very ill--you will not agree to let them live in your home , and you will not move back in with them under no circumstances. Calmly sit down, and calmly have a long heart-to-heart talk and tell him this. You should get this on the table now and make an Agreement with your husband, so that 2 years from now, you won't be moving back in with them.   (Or, they wont be moving in with you after you get a great job and move into a big new house.)

If your husband tells you that he yes, he WILL give up his home and move back in with them if his parents ask him to come back- even if you do not want that  ;  then Sister, know that those are "his terms". If he says that, he is only being honest and telling you truthfully what he will do. If so, you need to accept that as a reality and Decide if you can live on those terms.

But, inshallah--he may take your side, and realise that unless his mother or father have an illness, it's best for his wife and child to live in your own home in Peace. Hopefully, he will see that is best.

(Also keep in mind that sometimes its good to place distance between you and difficult relatives by moving to another state--and that does not mean you're "abandoning them". I've seen in my own family how when some relatives cant get along--one of them moving to another state actually makes them grow closer since "distance makes the heart grow fonder".. Maybe after you get that degree, you and your husband can make plans on moving to another State in 1 year.)

Salaam and Enjoy your New Home

Let us know how things go.

Salaam

 

Edited by Muslimah07

Salam Musimah07

I really appreciated your email and heard eveyrthing you said. I absolutely agree with you and am 100% sure that what you said is accurate. I am not someone who gets oppressed easily and that bothers my mother in law. Believe me sister, there have been  many times where I have threatened to leave my husband and have even come to a point wheere I booked my flight back home and told him I would not come back. My parents tried to work things out with my in laws but even they got sick of it and asked me to reutrn if thats what I thought was best. They told me they would support me either way. The sad part of it was, that my husband was the one who got upset and got trapped in the middle. HE admitted to me his parents are very wrong and he promised me a place of my own which alhumdullilah we got. We got the keys a few days ago and move in first week of january. He said that if I left than noone would suffer but him. He thinks I will find another person and his parents will just continue their foolishness even with another wife, if he marries again. He said he's the only one who will be left alone. That's when I realised that he is on my side. HE is trying his best not to be mean to his parents becuase that is something he says he cannot do. On the other hand however, he is trying ot give me everything that is my right. He asks that I be kind to his parents in return for as long as I can, which I am trying to do but ofcourse, it's immensel;y difficult.

As for being pregnant, it was absolutely not planned but Alhumdullilah Allah blessed us. We wwere using precaution but subhanAllah it still happened. SO I take it as a blessing from Allah. I have no reason to be stuck to his parents even if I have a baby. If I am treated wrong, I am always readyt o walk out but I stop becuase of my husband, becase he is kind to me and takes care of me regardless of what his parents say. They try to turn him against me in some ways but still he is kind to me and does realise what his parents are doing. He just does not have the courage to mistreat them and I would not want him to. I dont have to do anything, it is already clear to me that he sees right through his parents. Eventualy he will be sick of his parents the way his father was and is sick of his mother and his father. Its the circle of life. He always saw his father take care of his mother and his grandfather (who he lived with) take care of his grandmother.He knows he has to take care of his wife. In my culture marrying again or marrying a second wife is looked down upon and he does not even think about that. I donot agree with this opinion ofcourse but that is the way he was raised. I do pray to Allahg and so far this child has beena  blessing. My husband had become more on my side and is even nicer and more caring. He talks about he his family (my child and I )are so important and how he finally has a family now. He does nto include his parents in HIS family. SO I am just resting. Taking it one step at a time and realise that this child has already made my position stronger with him. InshaAllah just pray for me. This will inshaAllah work in my favor.

 

 

As-salamu alaikum

 

dear rashidr, your story scares me to death.

I am going to marry my first cousin too. we were planning to live in a house of our own; howeve, his father died last month. now he changed his mind and decided that we should live with his mother and sisters since he is the oldest son in the family.

his mother is my aunt. In the past two years only she became nice to me when her son told her that he wants to marry me. I came to believe that the things will go the same way they went with you.

your husband's attitude is really selfish, sorry to say that. he should be just. If his mother is wrong he should tell her in a polit way that she should not interfere between you two. it is a must to respect the parents and never hurt their feelings; however, they are human beings and they make mistakes; they must realize their mistakes.

I hope your psycological condition becomes much much better very soon