girl from the U.S. vs. boy from Back Home

Assalamu-aleikum Abeer 23,

Life is sunny on some days and rainy on others. On rainy days I do feel that I am just staying with him to keep some influence on the kids. He has the islamic legal custody, and the thought that he and his family alone raises our children just terrifies me, considering how all of them have been raised...

Yes, you are absolutely right that children witness us, and we should absolutely pull ourselves together and life with each other in an at least civilized manner. I wish we would live in a loving manner, but my husband claims that he loves me, but I am not able to see it. In any case I do not feel treated in a loving or respectful manner.

It is actually scary how MUCH they perceive, our older daughter wouldn't sleep last night without both of us holding her hand. Which is why it makes me even more furious that he is so willing to just up and go, leave our younger daughter and me and run away with the older one. If he loves her so much, why would he want to separate her from her mother and sister? At least I do give him a lot of credit for caring so much for our children, and loving them so much, that one of the reasons that do make me endure so much is for the sake of our children.

And also, I do think I love him, but I have to admit feeling as unloved as I do, my feelings for him have begun to change. And for sure I do not respect him as much anymore, which of course he feels and which contributes to the vicious circle.

Thank you all for listening/reading and caring,

Salaam

As salamu alaikum sis. almostthere,

And the worst part is, whenever there is the slightest disagreement, he threatens to leave me and take our older daughter. And I feel so powerless... And he is capable of doing it, and I feel that I have no right to stop him

Sister there's no need for you to feel this way.  In Islam, a man is not allowed to prevent a mother (his ex-wife) from seeing her children.  Yes, he gets legal custody (that's logical because he's responsible for them financially), but you still have a right to be a part of you childrens' life. 

Are your daughters the only reason why you're staying with him? (not a question just something for you to think about) If they are, then keep in mind that you and your husband are their examples.  They're watching how their father treats you and how you allow yourself to be treated.  I'm sure you all don't expose them to the details of your marriage, but children are very perceptive.  They pick up on a lot more then we realize. 

Salaam

Dearest sister,

assalamu-aleikum. I hope Allah will make your worries go away. I am in a similar position as you are. I have been married four years now, I am of Asian origin but grew up in Europe and chose to go for an arranged marriage with a man of my same homecountry who had grown up there. I have a higher educational degree than he does, but that never mattered to me. I had other marriage-options, but after years of looking I just wanted somebody religious, which I at that time defined as praying regularly, and he seemed to be the right man.

So we got married one month after I first met him. To shorten this (I could go on for hours), Allah knows I have been willing to step back and give up my profession for him. I already HAVE. I quit my postgraduate education on an unpaid family leave to go back home to him to await his Visa. I have been and still am willing to do it again. For most of our marriage, I have been the breadwinner, too. And it is just the same situation you are describing, I keep getting accused all the time for it, he lets me suffer for it, even though it is not my fault. I obey him in everything, I never say No to him in the night (he is the one constantly doing so). He DOES want to work, but there have been circumstances preventing him (work permit), and right now we are again in the situation waiting for it. We do not need the extra money, even though I know that it is vital to our marriage that he works, because that is part of his self-esteem, and if he is not happy, I'm unhappy.

I have tried so much so make him happy, but he never is. I even bore two children, thinking it would make him happier, even though I was working fulltime and more.

I do not mean to discourage you, I sincerely hope that things will work out better for you than they did for me. One thing I end up thinking often is though: would I decide differently (in regards of staying with him or not) if it wasn't for our two wonderful daughters? But I feel I am trapped, I do not have a choice anymore. I never ever wanted to get a divorce, and I still don't, especially not with two kids. And I know being out of work is hard for a man, he is supposed to be the provider etc., and there he is stuck with a woman that he, too, is not happy with, for whatever reasons. I know that he hates me often for earning more, for being more educated, for being more "successful", the day I obtained my postgraduation degree, he looked at it and instead of being happy for me, he said: "There should be my name on it". Why did he chose to marry me in the first place?

I do not have a good advise for you except for this: of course it is up to Allah anyway, but do not have any kids untill you both have sorted everything out. My husband knew that he could tie me down with children. He told me so in the first two months of our marriage (in different words, of course, he said he was so scared that I would leave him, it would make him feel more secure if we had a baby).

And know I have been waiting for things to improve for him for 4 years, so that he will treat me better, but sometimes, as right now, I do not see the end of the ligth. THere is always a new excuse for being unhappy.

And the worst part is, whenever there is the slightest disagreement, he threatens to leave me and take our older daughter. And I feel so powerless... And he is capable of doing it, and I feel that I have no right to stop him. He has been monopolizing our older daughter since she has been born. He took her back home when she was jsut 15 months, and I wasn't allowed to take  her when I went to my brothers wedding. He doesn't care how young they are, and when I say that I am her mother, he has lots of responses like but he raised her like a mom (he stayed at home with her the first 7 months while I was working). He keeps accusing me of being a bad mom, telling me that I should stay at home, but he is also the one telling me to work, because he wants to obtain the Green Card through my work. THe last thing I had ever wanted in my life was to work and have my kids raised by somebody else. and now here I am doing just that, and he doesn't give me a choice, and to top it off, he keeps blaming me and making me feel even more guilty.

I am sorry about this long reply, which was really more of my story than a real help for you

Allah knows best and when I feel most desperate I think that this is just one big test and there will be a reward someday.

Another thing, in heaven we are supposed to be with our spouse, what if you don't want him there with you?

yr2005 wrote: dear helpful sisters, i am new to this forum and i am seeking some advice. i have been married for  a little over a year and i am facing some serious marital problems. while i have always been told that the first 6 mos-1 year of a marriage is the most difficult, i feel as though it keeps on getting worse. here's my story: my husband was a student here in the u.s. at the time of our marriage. being that he was raised overseas and i was raised in the u.s., i feel as though we are 2 completely different people. why i did not realize this before we got married, i do not know. i am constantly asking myself, did i not see it? or did he have me fooled? i feel as if he makes a big deal over everything, he is trying so hard not to assimulate, and he always puts down those that do assimulate as being horrible people. i get offended because my family raised wonderful children here in the u.s. and i feel as though upbringings here are better than those over seas. i feel he is always trying to put his foot down with everything, constantly telling me "i am the man, and whenever u give a girl an inch, she takes a mile." i am shocked and surprised at his point of view (he said this to me right after getting married). his was raised in a household with a dominant mother figure, and thats most of the females in his family are.  i feel he is taking every precaution not to be in the same situation, but his precautions exceed normal limits and are pushing me away. there has been a lot of resentment due to the fact that he is a student who is not focusing on his studies as well as he should have and bcause i am the sole financial provider in our household. the fights are getting horrible, his temper (and mine) are getting worse and worse. although i am not claiming to be perfect, i really am trying to keep my cool and not pick on everything he says in hopes of eluding a bigger conflict. i have been under a lot of stress trying to maintain financial stability and be a good "housewife," trying my best to keep a tidy home, make dinner every night, etc... its been hard and i really get frustrated when i do not see him focusing on his studies, and as a result, i have some resentment towards him. when when we do argue, it snowballs and gets way out of hand and he now is deciding to give me the silent treatment for days (whereas in the past, he would always apologize right after the argument). he keeps saying that he wants to "raise" me the way he wants and "teach" me a lesson. i am so hurt by this, because no one deserves that. this past fight, i tried to talk to him, and he told me that i am not the wife he thought he wanted to marry and that i had to change a lot in me for him to change his point of view about me. this hurts. so if i am not the wife he wanted, and he is not the husband i wanted, what do we do? i do not want a divorce, and i cannot see myself being a divorced women so soon, but what do i do? i do not feel as though there is any love between us and sometimes wonder if he is with me for financial reasons (until he is done and finds a steady job). he is young, and he lacks any real guidance. he is still in a point of his life where his friends are his #1 priority (he goes out really late at night with them), he constantly chooses them over me. he has a horrible temper, his family even knows how bad his temper can be (over ridiculous things, too). we do not communicate at alllll. he talks to his female family members everyday on the phone for more than 1 hour and i feel as though all that he would have to say to his wife at the end of the day is said to them, so by the time we are together, he feels he doesnt have anything left to say. how can i fix this? we have tried bringing the families into this, but it has done no good, it has only created resentment and more problems. there are some obvious issues in our relationship, and i am even willing to go seek some couseling, but he would never dare go. please help me or advise me on what i should do. thank you sisters.

Dear Sister,

I haven't read you write anything positive about this man.  Can you remember anything?  Change things now by not accepting his poor behavior.  When he does something you have decided is over the line, just don't accept it, and find ways within your personality, and legal, to express that.  And look for successful ways, dear.

Change is hard.  Accept it.  Change has happened.  Change to deal with it, and things may work out.  You have to accept that he has bad characteristics and find ways to change them.  Gently now, gently, but firmly.  This is hard to deal with.  If you can't do it, divorce is NOT haram in Islaam.

Peace