seeking advice on bringing up kids

Bismillah

Assalam Aleikoum Sisters,

First of all, I have to thank you all of you who stopped in this room and joined the discussion. I appreciate everyone's reply.

I believe this is a issue that are most of married muslim mums facing nowdays, especially those who are at same stage as me with young kids to bring up. So please do drop a line after reading, let's help each other to find the best way to bring up our childern islamiclly, as this is our responsibility and duty that Allah gives. May Allah, the Almighty, helps us, Ameen!

I have read through all of sisters' reply with full of thoughs carefully. There are so many good points that are exactly what I need, while some suggestions I have to respond with an opposite opinion. Below is my response to each of the above reply:

To Sis HayFa:

I am really glad to meet a really childern issue expertie like you here.  I admire that you can stand in the childern's boots to defend them. I wish you were the teacher of my daughter in school, in that case, I will feel more relieved. I believe you have lots of experience with educating children in school environment. Your comments reminded me to keep low down my role as a adult, guardian, and mum to be my kids, think what they may think. I do agree your most of points, they are really useful, thanks.

As for something I dislike, I am giving an example. Last year, I bought her a jean, she likes it very much. Now it is old and small, she still trys to wear it almost every day. I feel it is a bit tight for her now (it might not be really that bad for others, but I just don't like see her wearing it out) so tell her not to wear it anymore,  but she won't listen, everyday beg me to wear it, I tried to hide it somewhere, then she will find it out and put on while I was not with her. This is just a small exmaple for many similar cases. Because I am afraid she will imitate other girls who are non-muslim and do something haram in future. This is just my little worries, of course I won't let it happen on my daughter, but still I need some hints to get my duty done effectively.

As for trying new things, she is ok by doing any activities, actually she is very active girl sometimes. However, she doesn't like give it go for instance, a new pair of shoes because the new one is less comfortable at beginning; new type of foods. I got really very crohss on these it happened. Also she is too determined, she has her own opinion on everything, and sometimes, without force, she won't happily do the alternative.

 Telling you a story about a tiny piece of tablet. You can't imagine my husband and me spend 3 hours with her to let her take it. She complained her throat is too small to swallow it, it would stuck her, she is scared about it .... whatever we said, she won't give it try, at the end both my husband and I are explored, I screamed, and my husband beat her, it ended with a almost violence which I hated to happen. I was feeling extremely sad and powerfulless afterwards though she took it after all. I could hear my heart was shaking and blood running faster in my body that moment. I understand this is not the islamic way to get on with our beloved kids, they are our lives' angels, who bring the happiness and enjoyment to us, and one day, we treat them like an animial or even worse!

To Muslimah07

I am regret to say I totally disgree your opinion. I can see what you stand, maybe yourself is the seldom one who is successfully come out of the ways your parents' education. I don't know if you have your own childern or not, may I ask you, if you can treat them as what you said?? To be honest, I was a bit shocked when I read your message.

Apart from this, I can give a failure story about the home violence on children. A very intellegent girl had been beatean and smacked frequently by her dad becasue of her young ignorence and youth misbehaver, at her 17 years old, she was dignosed psychotic. Now she is in her 38, nearly twenty years past, she is living in a totally unconscious situation. All of the family are seeking an exorcist to cure her in every degree. May Allah cure her and departure the Jinn who possessed her soonest, Anmeen! (by the way, if any sisters can help with this, do let me, Inshallah!)

I personally strongly am against this, though it happened to my kids due to we didn't have enough patience. I can tell by my own experience it didn't work for my girl. They are so innocent in this case, and this is the worst method I could think about at the moment of anger. I know it is Satan (the cursed) stirring, may Allah the Almithgy guide us as parent the right way and path in front of our kids, Ameen!

To Sister Amah

Thank you very much for contributing the beatiful hadith and the story! I agree the best way to bring up kids in islamic way is showing them our love. The father in the story is super wise, and I believe not everyone can make it in that situation. We should all learn from him, excllent example to follow.

My concern is how could we ensure we can do the right thing at the right time? And show our right love not spoiling one to our kids in the right way? We may still have to give it a deep thinking. I need more answers to these.

To angel

I got your point on the discipline tool, it seems like my tools in my hands are too small and need to be updated on time. This is why I open the topic here, which I never did anywhere before. I am hoping I can get the useful advice afterwards and would like to discuss with you in further.

To Abeer23

I found your suggestion very practical. It sounds like the idea of only a super nanny could ever though of nowdays. I will apply them to my daily action, Inshaallah!

The sugar issue is very good point. My daughter has exactly the problem. That is why I mentioned in the post about the dentist surgery. She have more decays than the average same age kids have. I guss this is inherated from my husband family side. I was told by the dentist that she has to romve least 4 baby teeth now, and wait for a few years to get the adults teeth appear becuase the decay was so so soooooooooo bad! I cried on hearing this at the  clinic. You may heard the dental treatment system in the  Uk is chaos. To get her teeth seen by the doctor, it needs least 5 months. It is real nightmare, I can't imagine, how big bad whole will my daughter have in her mouth at that time. And this outcome caused mainly by her non cooperation with the doctor that day. She may doesn't understand what it would mean to refuse open her mouth that day though I explained to her many times. She can't be blamed, I know, but how about her teeth? I am stuck here full of anxious.

Allah huliallah, we are practicing muslims. Our childern observe our performing our deens everyday, and we do teach them a lot about islam. However, I just have a feeling, all the oral education may not make sense in the young kid's mind sometimes. And I also feel I have to balance between the positive and negative (e.g. the punishment on the judgment day) in our talks when we are facing the youth.

Islamic school in the area where i am living is extremely expensive, that we may not offord. Even though, I am thinking about it. Thanks for this.

Assalam Aleikoum

umss

I am not an expert on this, since I have no kids. I think Hayfa has given the best advice. But I will add my 2 cents, partially in defense of Muslimah07, but mostly about what I've witnessed/experienced.

Where I live and basically everywhere I go, people beat their kids. By this I mean they literally BEAT their kids. For things I find completely harmless. One day when I was at work, I was playing with a little boy who seemed to be very hyper, continuosly running around the store. He wasn't messing up anything or nothing like that. Everytime he stopped, he'd give me something, like his hat, then run around and take it back etc... so when the people he was with tried to make him come to them, he would hide behind me to get away from them. At first I thought it was very odd. But then when his father caught him, he hit him very VERY hard  It made me very angry because the boy was so sweet and wasn't doing anything wrong. YES, he was running around the store, which his father didn't like. But it wasn't wrong of him to run around. I don't know what the guy thought the kid was doing but... that is just one example of what I see everyday

On the other hand, there was a girl that used to live in my nieghborhood, and her parents had never spanked her all her life. She was rude to them, rude to others, and physically abusive to her parents. She was like...12 years old. Another account is that there was a little boy I used to see at the masjid. His parents never spanked him, and he was physically abusive to his mother, and would beat up other kids. He was 4. This may be because of the father but, that's another subject.

I was spanked as a child, and I didn't like it. There were a few times I was spanked and didn't think it was fair and it still bothers me to this day. But I forgive my mother because she was raised in a foster home with a very abusive lady. She was even beaten with fan belts off cars. But she was never abusive to me or my siblings. The mentality of physical punishment is just something she was raised with. However, her, (and my dad's) method was to talk to us and tell us what we did wrong, and then give us the punishment. Then sometimes it was just, "Ok, do you want a spanking, or do you want to talk about it?" Talking about would seem like the best choice, but "talking about it" meant listening for HOURS!!!!!!!!!

I will say that Muslimah07 is NOT "advocating" "violence" against children. I think physical punishment/discepline is ok to a certain degree. I do plan to physically discepline my kids when I do have some, but definately in a manner that will not physically or mentally scar them for life. Hand spankings are as far as I'm willing to go! And talking is always the best way to get a child to understand things. I mean CONVERSATION. "Talks" meant dinner was gonna be late, we were gonna miss Tom and Jerry, and butt cramps. Seriously talk with your children. They are "only" kids, but they understand way more than we think.

As for "spare the rod; spoil the child," coincedently, a lady was talking to me about that today. She told me that "beat your child," or something like that, is in the Bible. I was shocked at first, but then thought about how shocked people are when they find out "beat them lightly" (in reference to wives) is in the Qur'an.

Salaam

umss wrote: Bismillah However, I just have a feeling, all the oral education may not make sense in the young kid's mind sometimes. And I also feel I have to balance between the positive and negative (e.g. the punishment on the judgment day) in our talks when we are facing the youth.

As salamu alaikum sis.  By all means balance is crucial to all aspects of religion.  The hereafter doesn't consist of Allah's punishment alone, there is also His reward, mercy, etc.  Don't worry about your daughters not understanding.  They understand a lot more than we give them credit for believe me (especially the six-year-old).  Children like story telling and drama, these are excellent tools for Islamic education.  By the age of six I understood the concept of the hereafter and all that related to it (torture/peace in the grave, questioning in the grave, book of deeds, heaven, hell etc.).  You can find lots of ahadith on these and other topics.  In stead of reading the ahadith (or stories from Quran) to your daughters, narrate them in story form using as much animation as you can.  I find this helps the children retain the information; plus they enjoy it.  They'll be beggin' you for more.