Please HELP!!!!!!!

Asalaam Walicum,

I have a huge problem and don�t know how to deal with it. It is driving crazy. My parents are separated because my dad was very abusive and uncaring husband and father. We were never happy living with him. He terrorized the entire family and use to curse all the time. He called my mom names and fought with her all the time. He use to go to places without telling my mom. He didn�t trust my mom at all, even thought we all know she is a decent Muslim lady. She had to talk to his friend on phone to find out where he is and what he was up to. While doing that she started to talk to one of his friend, who was helping my mom with the information about him.

My mom doesn�t have any family members here to help her out. My dad�s side�s family doesn�t want to help or support her even when they know she is right. They take my dad�s side no matter what he does. He hasn�t given child support or any kind of money ever since he has left and its been 5 years. She works 7 days week to support the 4 children. I can�t work because I�m full time college student and the other reason is that my dad won�t all it.

OK, now the problem is that she started to talk to one of his friends about him and learned that my dad is talking bad about my mom with his friends and saying things about her that aren�t true. And his friend also told my mom that he has said that he has divorced her by saying �talak� 3 times. ( I�m not sure how that works). My mom started to like my dad�s friend because he is very kind hearted. He talks respectfully and supports her. She is talking about him everyday and discussing the  possibilities of marrying him. We, children, mom, and dad�s friend, went out to dinner. And we all got along well. We all had fun.

 But I am not sure how this is all suppose to work. I don�t know what to tell my mom. I sometimes get mad whenever she talks about him or about marrying or when she talks on the phone with him, even though I told my self that she deserves this, she is not doing anything wrong. I sometimes talk back at her. I don�t like this at all. I don�t want to worry about these kinds of things and there is no one to talk about this with. I am going to really go crazy. Now these days she is talking to him at 3:00 in the morning and that does  make me mad. I asked her why she did that. She told me that he called her to wake her up namaz. And she also sometimes closes the door when she talks to him. She told me that he wants to marry her and live with the kids. His family, which consists of two daughters and a sick wife, is back home and he is here on visit visa or something. I need help. I don�t know how to deal with my mom. All she has is me to talk to and I am making it worst by making her feel bad. We are all afraid what will happen when our dad will find out what we are up to. I don�t know who to talk to about this, SO PLEASE ANYONE HELP ME. I can�t pay attention to my studies at all. It is affecting my education and my relationship with my mom. She is my best friends I don�t want to loose her.

I think you are in a tricky place because I am sure she feels alone and in need of support. This often leads people to find support where and when we can get it, even if, in the long run, it is not the best way or place.

Does she have any other friends to appeal to gor help? The imman is a good idea.

Where do you live? I agree she should look to getting things worked out with you dad-- like getting divorced.

I second what abuayisha has said. She should divorce your father as early as possible. If polygamy is not legal in your country, then perhaps, your mother should wait.

I know its a difficult situation for you. If other comes to know it will affect the reputation of the whole family in the Muslim community (or perhaps, hopefully, it doesn't matter where you live).

Abeer23 wrote: The man has said he divorced her in front of wittnesses, not to mention he's been gone 5 years..... why would the sister not be divorced?

Salaams and Bismillah,

Dear Sister Abeer, We agree!  How about that?

A woman in your mom's situation is vulnerable.  Sweet talk is cheap when someone wants something.  But when they get it, it can become unavailable.  Now, this brother could be genuinely kind and loving and patient.  As our friend of Muslims points out, is polygamy legal where you live?  They may choose to marry eventually even so. 

You need to take deep breaths and maybe exercise to get rid of some stress.  Keep steady on your goals and remember that you should pay attention to your mom and encourage good behavior, but you shouldn't worry constantly about something when you've done everything you can to contribute to the resolution of the difficulty.

If your mom had your friendly company more often and more conversation and talk with you, maybe she would avoid late-night talks with this man and stick to daylight hours and have conversations in which she can leave the door open.  And we shouldn't assume that she is closing the door for a haram reason. ISA she is rightly guided and there is nothing to worry about.

Salaams