I need help

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Salaam ahlam
You sound very torn between pleasing your parents or pleasing your self. The Qur'an ask's us to seek help through prayer and patience. This is yet just another test for you. Allah is watching what you do sister. Truly believe that Allah is enough to guide, and direct you. Truly believe that Allah is enough to plant the seeds of  peace, contentment, and hope that you must tend to daily so that the seeds sprout and blossom. I can feel your anxiousness.. I know it sounds like the run of the mill advice but when it comes to major life decisions now is the time to give up the illusion of control, and truly surrender your will to Allah, and just trust that Allah's guidance is enough sister. Going back and forth is crazy, you're going to have to choose.
Don't take this wrong way, if you don't have enough back bone to stand firmly on what you truly believe to be wisdom from Allah and if you aren't woman enough to tolerate the consquences be they good or bad or both, are you sure you're ready for  marriage? This is a test right here? You think this is a problem? There are much harder challenges that can happen during a marriage sister. 
I am aware that marriage is really a marriage between two families but if your parents are making choices for you, that you know you can't handle or live with, now is the time, to step up to the plate, and become a woman now sister. It is you who will wake up to who ever they choose not them? When they pass away he will still be there. When you're young it's easier to think short term but thinking ahead some times even way ahead will save you so much pain and heart ache sister. 
For them to be so resistant to their own family member makes me wonder if something is going on beyond what you may be unaware of? Something just doesn't sound right? But that's me and I could be way off.
Another thought that comes to mind is that Muslim parents must not feel too good about their parenting skills and what it has produced, if they did, wether the issue was money as in this case or race as in another case, the should trust that they raised their children right, and that will be fine. If they don't feel that way the truth of the matter is they failed not you. Dont absourb the issues of others no matter how suttlely they are projected on to you. 
The last thing you want to do is make some innocent brother pay for your heart ache, anger, or bitterness if this doesn't work out because you don't want him, you're just there existing. Is that how you want to live?
Go to a professional pre-marital counselor sister, slow down, start over, and re work this process to marriage from a different angle.
And lastly, if your parents truly love you, if they truly care for your well being, and if they truly want to be see their grand children they will eventually work through it and come around again. If there is no legitmate reason for dismissing this young man or another, they have to look beyond that disagreement and move forward. How long that takes only Allah knows.
How important is this man to you? What is it about his deen, character, heart, manners, and life, that make you so great for one another? If you believe if you truly believe you won't get it again maybe she you proceed slowly,watch, and wait.
Masalaama

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UmmAminata Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 21 October 2006 Status: Offline Points: 227	Post Options Post Reply Quote UmmAminata Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 09 November 2006 at 7:56pm
	Salaam ahlam You sound very torn between pleasing your parents or pleasing your self. The Qur'an ask's us to seek help through prayer and patience. This is yet just another test for you. Allah is watching what you do sister. Truly believe that Allah is enough to guide, and direct you. Truly believe that Allah is enough to plant the seeds of peace, contentment, and hope that you must tend to daily so that the seeds sprout and blossom. I can feel your anxiousness.. I know it sounds like the run of the mill advice but when it comes to major life decisions now is the time to give up the illusion of control, and truly surrender your will to Allah, and just trust that Allah's guidance is enough sister. Going back and forth is crazy, you're going to have to choose. Don't take this wrong way, if you don't have enough back bone to stand firmly on what you truly believe to be wisdom from Allah and if you aren't woman enough to tolerate the consquences be they good or bad or both, are you sure you're ready for marriage? This is a test right here? You think this is a problem? There are much harder challenges that can happen during a marriage sister. I am aware that marriage is really a marriage between two families but if your parents are making choices for you, that you know you can't handle or live with, now is the time, to step up to the plate, and become a woman now sister. It is you who will wake up to who ever they choose not them? When they pass away he will still be there. When you're young it's easier to think short term but thinking ahead some times even way ahead will save you so much pain and heart ache sister. For them to be so resistant to their own family member makes me wonder if something is going on beyond what you may be unaware of? Something just doesn't sound right? But that's me and I could be way off. Another thought that comes to mind is that Muslim parents must not feel too good about their parenting skills and what it has produced, if they did, wether the issue was money as in this case or race as in another case, the should trust that they raised their children right, and that will be fine. If they don't feel that way the truth of the matter is they failed not you. Dont absourb the issues of others no matter how suttlely they are projected on to you. The last thing you want to do is make some innocent brother pay for your heart ache, anger, or bitterness if this doesn't work out because you don't want him, you're just there existing. Is that how you want to live? Go to a professional pre-marital counselor sister, slow down, start over, and re work this process to marriage from a different angle. And lastly, if your parents truly love you, if they truly care for your well being, and if they truly want to be see their grand children they will eventually work through it and come around again. If there is no legitmate reason for dismissing this young man or another, they have to look beyond that disagreement and move forward. How long that takes only Allah knows. How important is this man to you? What is it about his deen, character, heart, manners, and life, that make you so great for one another? If you believe if you truly believe you won't get it again maybe she you proceed slowly,watch, and wait. Masalaama
	Mrs. Dia

UmmAminata Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 21 October 2006 Status: Offline Points: 227	Post Options Post Reply Quote UmmAminata Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 09 November 2006 at 8:07pm
	Oh my goodness! My spelling is horrible! I didn't even notice all those typo's! I forgot to make a comment. You mentioned not having money for extra's. It is so important that we look at the way we are thinking and responding to stimulus around sister. Don't be so quick to give up and look at what you " think" you may not have. Don't despair of Allah's mercy, Allah is so much greater than that, and you must think highly of your Rabb. If you're going to do this, your thinking must change now. What I'd like to hear you say is something along the lines of " We may not have money for extra's in the beginning but with plan a, b, or c eventually we will, and in sha'Allah I can be content with that." - Listen to how you are thinking- Allah grants our prayers but our thinking blind's us to the great blessings he has granted us. Don't let shaytan trick you. The key in any marriage is "contentment." You have to gage your ability to be content with what he can and can not provide you with. Remeber I warned about that black and white thinking. Create oppurtunities for your self. Work from home, temp to hire, or do seasonal work on and off. Create possibilities. Best wish dear sister
	Mrs. Dia

ahlam Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 07 March 2006 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 21	Post Options Post Reply Quote ahlam Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 09 November 2006 at 8:23pm
	Jazaka Allahu Khair, sister