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need help dealing with polygamy

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rookaiya View Drop Down
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    Posted: 14 November 2006 at 3:53am

salaams

just wanted to let everyone know tht i have started a blog where i vent out about my feelings and experiences with polygamy. i wanted to thank everyone for all the responses that i received here

u can find the blog here http://frompolygamytosinglemom.blogspot.com

 

 

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Antony-Islah View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Antony-Islah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 October 2006 at 8:04am

 

Thanks for the clarification, and the lesson…..

 

Maybe I should have just been an ear to listen (and sympathise), rather than trying to solve your problem(s) for you… so yeah….. what a bummer of a situation!

 

Hey its not like your missing much in a work do anyway, it’s the everyday that sounds like the greater grief….. anyway I think he may still even have a thing for you, despite all that’s happened! I’d say your (current) hubby is the lucky one, after all, look at the trouble you have gone to in order to understand his problems.

 

 

Sorry but I can’t resist just offering a smidgen of advice (even if it is misplaced), they are the one’s festering, so don’t let them instigate that feeling within you….. sounds like they deserve each other to me!  

 

 

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rookaiya Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 October 2006 at 1:23am

salaams

sorry for the confusion anthony. i got a bit carried away and started venting out my frustrations. the above was actually about my ex hubby n his wife( the woman that he dumped me for)

we all work for the same company n he had a fling with her at work, in total disregard for me ofcourse. to cut a long story short, i upped and left and moved back to my home town, took a transfer. same company. differnt city

lo and behold, 2 years later ex hubby n wifey dearest also transfer . i was pissed when i found out. now i cant even attend the work function cos they gonna be there and im not up to seeing them. its complicated cos all the halaal people share a table n we are bound to share a table

it frustrates me to know that i left these 2 in my past, but they couldnt let me have peace..............OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!that was too much to ask. they had to just come n work here........in my face

a week after arrival, wifey makes some nasty remarks to me. i reported her n she was told not to communicate with me

then ex hubby calls me n visits my office like every day. i tell him to leave me alone cos we are over. he persists. i report him too n hes warned not to communicate with me at work

so at least i have some peace of mind now

so, u see the above drama has nothing to do with my hubby n his first wife. its my ex n his wife........................................................ .

 

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Antony-Islah View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Antony-Islah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 October 2006 at 9:14am

 

And I confuse you!!! Well right now I am the one confused.

 

OK, after that sudden raft of confusion I think I know where you are.

 

 

There is the issue regarding the fact that your husband and his first wife have had more time to become better acquainted with each other, and this may manifest itself (to you) in the form of him neglecting you (in favour of her), because subliminally he may feel more comfortable with his first wife, as she is more able to cater for his idiosyncrasies.

 

I have a feeling you may (currently) prefer a reply along the lines of – he is indeed neglecting you, and been insensitive toward your feelings. You would not have the grievance you have expressed if he had been treating you both on an equal footing (even if that meant you needed more attention). He has obviously not resolved your sense of injustice, for on top of everything else he has now suffocated you in that injury!

 

 

You know I am unable to make any decisions for you, and hey, who am I to advise anyone when I do not know the facts! Hence without wishing to sound stereotypical - seek guidance when in prayer to Allah {SWT}, who better a guide than the All-Knowing!

 

Dear rookaiya… know that I am not going anywhere, and there are plenty of caring people here at this forum that are willing to help you (and anyone else for that matter) through trying circumstances.

 

 

Hope I have helped (and will be able to help).

 

     



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rookaiya View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rookaiya Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 October 2006 at 4:22am

i guess the lesson in that is that one shouldnt be too greedy cos in the end u will be the loser

i so wish i could get another job in a new town, far away from here. Subhanallah to encounter those 2 daily is really taking its toll on me. i cant deal with running into them daily. i dont even leave my office during lunch or go to other floors, cos im afraid ill bump into them

even in the afternoons, i wait a while n leave after 10 mins, whne im sure that thye have left the building

all of the insensitive things this man could have done to me, hes moving here n coming to work in the same building, n bringing her along was the most insenstive

now we having a work function n i wont attend cos they will be there, and i will be feeling miserable throughout, just seeing them together

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Antony-Islah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 October 2006 at 4:38am

 

Dear rookaiya, no need to be confused, you know more than you may think you do…..

 

Holy Qur’an

Surat Âl-'Imrân

 

185. Everyone shall taste death. And only on the Day of Resurrection shall you be paid your wages in full. And whoever is removed away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise, he indeed is successful. The life of this world is only the enjoyment of deception (a deceiving thing).

 

 

 

With regard to the ‘illusions of his wives’ comment (forgive my abstractness), it is as simple as this… as long as each of you vies (against each other) for your husband’s attention, you will all end up losing.  

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari, Volume 3, Book 33, Number 249

Narrated 'Amra:


Aisha said, "the Prophet used to practice Itikaf in the last ten days of Ramadan and I used to pitch a tent for him, and after offering the morning prayer, he used to enter the tent." Hafsa asked the permission of 'Aisha to pitch a tent for her and she allowed her and she pitched her tent. When Zainab bint Jahsh saw it, she pitched another tent. In the morning the Prophet noticed the tents. He said, 'What is this?" He was told of the whole situation. Then the Prophet said, "Do you think that they intended to do righteousness by doing this?" He therefore abandoned the Itikaf in that month and practiced Itikaf for ten days in the month of Shawwal."

 



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rookaiya View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rookaiya Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 October 2006 at 12:09am

salaams

please simplify what u are saying as these points are above my head. u say that hes caught in the illusions of his wives. what do u mean by that. please explain in simple terms cos im not understanding this at all

i get the point u make of him being pulled on either side, i.e by me n the first wife. yes that is happening and he has told me so as well

but the illusion part. are u saying that life as a whole is an illusion and that we need to focus our attentions on more real things like preparing for the hereafter , which is real.

am i making any sense to u at all. i feel so confused now

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Antony-Islah View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Antony-Islah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 October 2006 at 1:01pm

hope my reply in the other thread may help rookaiya.......

with regard to the issue you have raised here, i am only able to offer my somewhat abstract view, and that is, your husband is not caught but in the illusion of his own spirit.......

a more down to earth response (which i am reluctant to share because of the speculative nature of it) would have me say that, his other wife and you are pulling on him in different directions, so he has become the battleground for each of your grievances….. in which case your husband is not caught but in the illusion of his wives illusions.  

 

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