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need help dealing with polygamy

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rookaiya View Drop Down
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    Posted: 28 September 2006 at 4:50am

asalamu alaikum

im posting this on behalf of my husband. he has requested me to get info for him regarding the above topic. are there any sites that i could go to , or is anyone here in a polygamous marriage who has some advise for my husband and he currently feels that hes caught in the middle of very trying circumstances. he is keen to hear from other brothers who are in a similar situation. any info provided will be greatly appreciated

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abuayisha View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 September 2006 at 6:28pm
www.polyganyfirstwife.com
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Jenni View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jenni Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 October 2006 at 6:06pm
rookaiya, stand up for yourself sister. You can allways get a divorce if he is asking for the wrong reasons which most men do. Most men want a second wife for sexual reasons which is not the reason it should be done. Polygamy was allowed to protect women in times when many men died in battle. It may also help if a woman is infertile and the man really wants his own biological children but loves his wife and does not want to divorce her. Other than that the reasons can only be selfish and self serving and he is not looking out for you. All his money, time as resources will have to be diveded between two families and unless he is very rich you will probably suffer poverty because of it. Most women I know would tell thier husband no way, and if he insisted they would file for divorce. That is what I would do, since the deal was clear before marraige, I wouldn't stand for it!!!
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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rookaiya View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote rookaiya Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 October 2006 at 11:00pm

salaams

im not seeking advise here on whether to ask for a divorce or not. i am in a polygamous marriage n i agreed to it on my own. no one pressured me into it. the help i seek here is for my beloved husband who is now struggling cos hes caught in between the 2 of us n he wanted some advise from brothers in similar situations

i already checked the site mentioned above but its from a female perspective. im looking here for something from the male perspective.

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Jenni View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jenni Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 October 2006 at 8:41am
Then I am sorry for you... And I hope you are not in the States, the U.K. Canada or Europe where you are breaking the law, I have no tolerance for Muslims who come to the west and practice polygamy here, as they make Islam look bad and only look like lawbreakers.
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hayfa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 October 2006 at 10:20am

I can say that is why it is not encouraged.. conflict often happens. Theoretically wives should be treated equally. Between time and money, etc, that must be hard. Espcially if their are children are involved.. no daddy does not come home here tonight. And we encourage parents to be invovled in their children' lives, but for men it is only 50% if they have nultiple homes.. hmmm. Just a few thoughts.. though it may work out for women who are more independent.  

The hardest part is that ultimately true giving of 50% is difficult and there often will be a hierarchy. Typically one wife will be "above the other" even in subtle distinctions. How is "comptetition" avoided? If the husband does like one more then the other the other wife really is a "duty."  I like going home here the other I go cause I have to.

Seems to have more then wife, several things must happen

1. The man must know and accept his duties fully.

2. The women involved must accept the situation. If the women involved do not it seems rather it would be difficult, hmm?

Is your husband looking for:

1. What he should be doing Islamically?

2. What are some practical solutions involved?

 

 

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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taliyya View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote taliyya Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 October 2006 at 1:46pm

 To Sister Rooqaiya I'd like to say that you should tell her husband to be patient and understanding. He should put himself in his first wife's shoes and think about how he'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Also tell him to make plenty of dua to make the situation get better. I know of many polygamous situations where the first wife seemed like she'd never ever get over it and now the first and second wives are good friends. It can happen in your situation too.

  To Sister Jenna, I'd like to say how can you say you have no tolerance for muslims who practice polygamy in the West because they make Islam look bad. If Allah owns the earth then there is no where on it where what He has allowed can look bad. You shouldn't give a care what they think of Islam.

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Angela View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Angela Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 October 2006 at 2:22pm

Taliyya,

I don't think its polygamy so much as the disregard for the laws of the land.  My religion once practiced polygyny too, but laws were passed and they threatened to take our holy places and God commanded us to obey the law.  So now we do not practice it anymore.  But there are groups who splintered that still do and they have made people see polygyny as a door to all kinds of abuses and other illegal activities. 

If you live in a country where it is legal, then there is no problem.  But, in the US is its very much against the law.  Having no tolerance for lawbreakers is not necessarily bad. 

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