fulfill my haqq or grant me a talaaq

can you provide more info

1) How many nights is he spending with you and how many with her? And what is the perfect balance he hopes to achieve in the situation, alternate weekends are way out balance.

2) Is he maintaining you and your children financially?

3) Have you considered that the reasons for the marriage (being a father to the kids, giving you respect etc) no longer exist as this man cannot be even a halaftime father to his own baby which he got through you.

4) The country where you live, does this country recognise the second marriage as legal.

The thing that is apparent from your post is that your husband, lets assume he has good intentions in what he is doing. He is simply trying to pacify both wives. His first wife has some kind of a hold here as she has demonstrated that if she does not get what she wants, she will leave him with the kids and that worked. He went running back to her once she took him in.

It also appears that with three kids, one a baby, you might not be on your feet now. So you have to weigh your options carefully.

You are asking your right for spending the nights, it may be (just a guess) that for him, considering he was with you three months when she left him, its not a big deal. agreed that Its wrong, but peoples minds dont necessarily work right always.

What do you want, is the right of having to spend the night with him or something else? I know you must feel abandoned in a way and confused.

Undoubtedly what you are asking for is your right. But please understand that you need to put your needs across and in a right way. Think from his point of view. If he thinks that he wants to calm her down, you have to tell him "maybe she is clam now but she will flare up when he does come to you" things like this.

If you want to be in this polygamous relationship, then you will have to stop demanding each and everytime as you will lose your effect. be wise and try to make him understand your feelings and what effect his staying away is having on the baby etc

You also need to decide what exactly is the solution you are looking at and once you know what you want, dont worry about if it is too much.

You are not being selfish, he is being selfish

You are not unreasonable, you are asking what God has ordained for you

Ask him if he needs more time. Ask how much more time and what he hopes to accomplish by that time. Write this down, men usually forget!

Lastly, speak to your parents, ask them how they feel about this. InshaAllah it will be fine, and keep Sabr and enjoy your kids.

Send the info I asked for in the top of the post and InshaAllah will try and help you more.

NS

salaams

thanks for the responses. as to your questions najam, the answers are as follows

1. he spends one night per week with me, but even with this his not consistent. some weeks, he calls and makes up excuses that hes unable to come over, or  if he does come over, then she will call n say the child is sick n he will go to her. other times he calls and says that he will come the next day and not on the day that we had pre arranged.

so i can say that i dont even know how much of time he spends with me cos its random. there are many instances that she called n i became uopset, then he didnt leave n spent the night with me

2. Alhamdulillah he maintains the baby n me financially. im also employed and i have my own home. im an attorney.

3.the thing is that i do love him very much and hes a good man. i was married before to an abusive man, who treated me very cruel. Alhamdulillah, my current husband is kind and considerate, but for the current circumstances.

i dont know how much of time he needs. but he has begged me not to end the relationship. he has begged me to be patient and he says hes trying to change his ways and fulfil my haqq.

the he tells me that he will try n spend every alternate weekend with me. thats when i became very upset and unreasonable and told him some very nasty things

i know its difficult to be a singel mom of 4 kids. but the pain and misery that this situation is causing me, is too much for me now. sometimes i even curse the day that i agreed to this marriage.

thanks for the reply Savera. i have never demanded that he leave his wife. its just that i feel so hurt and betrayed. i was against being a co wife. i never thought that it would happen to me.

one thing im certain of, is that he loves me very much. but i find myslef very conflicted. some times im very nice to him and loving and caring

other times i get very frustrated and become very rude and bitter. i throw tantrums and becoem very unreasonable

this whole situation has taken its toll on me. i cry every single night. some nights i cant even fall asleep. i pary alot and have asked Allah SWA to give me the ability to make SABR

but at times i think of all the nasty thinsg that this man has put me through

we were living together n he told me that hes divorcing his first wife. then the next thing he ups and leaves me. no good bye. he just packs his clothes n leaves

the whole weekend i tried to get hold of him on his mobile fone, but no answer.

thats what hurt me the most. he had told me previously that he loves me and he would never leave me. next thing he walks out on me. to date i ask him why n he says he doesnt know what happened. he cant explain why he upped and left

but he says he wants to work things out. i think hes being very selfish. he wants to string me along, while he continues with his first marriage happily. and im the one getting the raw end of this all

why must i be the one doing all the compromising.

i dont have the heart anymore. ive had enough. if he gives me a talaaq, i think i will be better off.

cos the pain he is causing me now is very intense. even the kida ask me when hes coming back home. n i dont know what to say. im miserable all the time. i ahvent smiled in ages. i have nothing to look forward to. i feel like im in some aweful dream

I understand that you have written the above note in desperation. And have also over reacted with your husband.

Sister, Allah is with those and loves those who are patient. We should never forget this, insha allah.

It is the shaytan who wants to create discord between two ppl, more preferably between two muslims, and most preferably when these two muslims are a husband and a wife.

Your husband is a kind man, as you have acknowledged in one of your posts yourself. He is in a difficult situation, which is apparent from his first wife's behavior. Some patience and compassion from your end is his due, as he is your husband who has restored your honor in society and is supporting you and the baby financially.

Moreover marriage is not just a contract on paper which makes two people obliged to certain responsibilities. It is also about compassion, love, kindness, companionship, sharing helping and the like.

It is not wrong to feel bad that he is unable to help you in  the situation you described above, but was it not possible for you to take a public transport home?

You need to talk with your husband about his situation. It is very likely that he needs your help, and support to solve the problems between the three of you. Obviously his first wife is not cooperating, and if you do the same he will be in a doubly miserable position. Perhaps you would not want that to happen.

Pray to allah that He gives you more patience to deal with your situations, and that He increase you and your husband in love, so that you can cherish your marriage, insha allah.