fulfill my haqq or grant me a talaaq |
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rookaiya
Senior Member Joined: 04 May 2005 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 385 |
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i went back n read the previous posts n im really sorry that i got so carried away. i dont know waht came over me NS i really appreciate all your help as well as others who took time to read n respond n try n help me out. now i go n do this n its like im ungrateful. im not ungrateful. please bear with me, as i dont know what came over me n why i got so out of control alhamdulilah, i have now calmed down n im trying very hard to feel better. Pain is something else . one would thing that im no stranger to pain but see what i went n did what now? do i pretend that i never called n continue with the 2 week break. i could kick myslef now for demanding that he fulfil my haqq. ive went back to square one all over again. please dont give up on me NS. please dont cos i dont know y im being so self destructive now |
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UmmTaaha
Senior Member Joined: 10 August 2006 Location: Japan Status: Offline Points: 159 |
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Rookaiya, Please remember there is no shaytan around us in this month. Whatever bad behavior that come forth from within is due to our own selves, our nafs. This is the month of ramadan, where one good deed amounts to 70 good deeds in our records, and one bad deed amounts to 10 of those. - And we need to mind our scrolls not others'. You treated your husband that way because your nafs got the better of you. You certainly do not feel that way about him through your heart, it was your lower self. You need to train it. When you feel angry that way perform wudu, send salat-o-salam on nabi sallallahu alaihe wassalam, don't use the phone - don't even try to pick-up the receiver. I think since you called your husband and did all that, you should start your 2 weeks all over again, counting from this day. However before that, do two things. One, repent to allah to have shown disrespect and bad behavior towards your husband. Ask Him to forgive you, and second either call him to say sorry, or send him a note, preferably a note. Don't think my suggestion is absurd, because husbands and wives should be treating each other with compassion. Abuse, even if it is verbal is detrimental to the health of marriage, and you just used verbal abuse. Another thing wives should remember is that a husband is the head of the family, thus they should be treated with certain level of respect. Where the heads are not give due respect, those institutions derail, so do not let that happen to you. I hope NS will not give up on you, but nobody can help you unless you have a firm resolve to help yourself. You were doing fine, but this bout of rage denotes that you were holding it all below the surface. I don't think it will work for any number of days you stay away from your husband, if it is going to generate such anger in you. Try to work on your anger. It is self destructive. You wont be able to sort your problems like that, so treat your anger as your enemy, don't give vent to it. It is like a horse which if you do not ride (ie control) it will ride you, so be very vigillent about it welling in you. Wish you luck!
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rookaiya
Senior Member Joined: 04 May 2005 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 385 |
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salaams thanks for the response. alhamdulilah, my hubby came over last nite n had iftaar with us. i did ask for his forgiveness for my behaviour n he said that he understood y i acted the way i did. as a peace offering, i bought a gift set for my co wife but told him not to disclose that its from me. i will continue to make lots of dua, n insha allah i will be able to control my lower self much better n not act in a self destructive manner. |
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UmmTaaha
Senior Member Joined: 10 August 2006 Location: Japan Status: Offline Points: 159 |
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Dear Rookaiya, Walaikum assalam wa rahmatullah. Alhamdulillah, I am glad you made up with your husband, and apologised for your behaviour. May be you should have a gift for him as well :) Something that makes him feel there aren't only demands on him, but he is loved and cared. Remember all of your brothers and sisters in your dua, and also this needy sister. Barak allah feekum May allah lift all your worries, and replace those with much favors.
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rookaiya
Senior Member Joined: 04 May 2005 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 385 |
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shukran my hubby n i reached n understanding. this is his plan though im not sure if it will work. his first wife moved out some time last year cos she said she wouldnt accpemt me as a co wife. they were separated for a whole year n there was even talk of talaaq. then in may this year he went to live with her in the accomaodation that she moved to. he told me a month later that he did this as a way to cool her heart n convinve her to move back to the matrimonial home. he asked me to be patient through all this now he told me last nite that he as convinced her to move back to the matrimonial home n insha alaah in december, she will move back in now his plan is that once she moves back in, he will then come to see me on a more regular basis, seeing that their matrimonial home is abt a 10 mins drive from my home. he feels thats it will be easier indeed once she moves back in in the interim, he hasnt told her that he n i have not broken up. she is under the impression that he has cut all ties with me. he said that he had to do it this way, in order to get her to calm down. he was unable to achieve this any other way i told him that what if she moves back into their home n finds out about us n then moves back out again, what will he do then. he said that he dounts that she will do that. he advised that this time around he will handle things with much more care n consideration for her. he is currently reading that book i downloaded for her on polygamy n the first wife. he said that he will acknowledge her pain n he will take full responsiblity for alll the hardship n suffering that he put her through. he frimly believes that his plan wil work n he has asked me to support him n not fight him on this i said i will think about it. im not sure though |
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UmmTaaha
Senior Member Joined: 10 August 2006 Location: Japan Status: Offline Points: 159 |
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Sis, men are more practical while women are more emotional. Let us accept this for a fact, because as a general rule this is true. If your husband has a plan, and he is making efforts to make things better for all three of you, indeed his intentions are sincere, insha allah. Give him your love and support. Along with that give him some time and space. Keep ur trust in allah, and be patient. Insha allah khair. |
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najamsahar
Senior Member Joined: 21 June 2006 Location: Saudi Arabia Status: Offline Points: 151 |
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Dear Rookaiya You need to understand two things here. 1) You are looking for sympathy and conflict. You need to focus on finding a solution. 2) You seem to be extremely distressed by your situation. I agree that it is a difficult one. But looking back at your posts, I dont think that you have managed to heed any advice. Let me ask you how many suggestions you did follow. If you had spent the past 2 weeks as suggested, you would have been a different person today, inshaAllah. Its plain commonsense. I am ssuming that your plan of action is that everything and everyone has to changebut you (becuase you are the one that is deprived). Well, deprived or not, one cannot change our situation unless we change oursleves (its in the quran) For now, 1) take whatever your husband is offering you. If you see from his point of view, it is most likely that this so-called plan of his is a way to cool you down. 2) Dont send anymore anonymous gifts to your co-wife. She is going to feel that the husband and you were in some sort of a pact against here and some people may take it as an insult. You are her co-wife and you need to keep your dignity at all times.When you are asking for a rights similar to hers, why put yourself down so much to become anonymous? When you are reconciled with her, you can give gifts. Right now, as UmmTaaha said, you can give gifts to your husband. I am giving you very practical advice to deal with things. I cannot be very sympathetic because I always believe that with Allah's Help and our wisdom, we can always find a solution. However , like everyone I am very busy too and I have a 42kbs dialup net connection( so annoying) If you want me to keep posting, let me know. There is a new rule here, either you will take the advice or you will reply saying why you cannot do it. NS
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rookaiya
Senior Member Joined: 04 May 2005 Location: South Africa Status: Offline Points: 385 |
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salaams NS i did take some of the advise every evening when i go home, i discuss islamic issues with the kids. we talk about school n madressa n i tell them of anything new that i have come across i also met an old colleague from university n we discussed everything but my polygamous marriage. i didnt discuss hubby at all ok, the part where i dont think of him or her..thats a difficult one. i have tried not to think of him, but its not easy there are too many memories of him in my home. his cloths are still there. so many constant reminders. how does one then not think of him im not going out of my way not to follow advise. im really trying but its not so easy when it comes to matters of the heart
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