fulfill my haqq or grant me a talaaq

salaams

is it sehri time in Saudi now. cos im at work and the time now is 11h45 am. just curious.

salaams

hubby couldnt come last nite as he had to attend a funeral after taraweeh. he did call to advise that he will come tonite, as he said that we need to talk. he seemed very friendly n non confrontational considering all the evil things ive said to him in the past

i guess he is a kind man cos i think another man given the nasty n evil things ive said would have surely given me 3 talaaqs by now n would have cut all ties with me.

anyways i dont know why im dwelling on the past. i need to learn to stay focused cos my mind often wanders

salaams

NS firstly i want to thank u sincerely for taking time to post this step by step action plan to me. i have rewritten cos i wanted to understand it thoroughly

hubby is coming over tonite cos he said we need to "talk". he keeps saying to me that he wants to fulfil my haqq but i dnt knwo waht stops him

so when he comes over, i will just listen to waht he has to say and i will tell him that i will think about whatever hes proposing

i wont comment as im still on step one, which is cease fire and my 2 weeks ends next week, Insha Allah

i will keep u posted of events as they unfold

NS may Allah SWA reward u for all the advise and guidance that u provide for people on this forum

and also id like to thank u for Dua Equnoot and the english translation next to it on the witr post. U are truly an incredible human being NS

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem.

Goal: To get your rights as ordained by Allah from your husband while establishing a harmonious relationship with him and the rest of the family.

Step 1: Ceasefire                                                                        2 Weeks to 2 months

Step back from the conflict and let everyone have a breather.

Make a background where this issue takes a backstage temporarily.

Establish sources of support

Create a loving and peaceful atmosphere at home.

Step2: Evaluate the past.                                                        1 week                                                                                                    

The past reveals many things about a person. And by facing how good or bad we dealt with issues in the past, we can try not to repeat the mistakes in the future. This is a hard step as it involves being truthful about our ownselves

Make very brief bio graph, assess it personally and with others (family/forum).

Step3: List expectations                                                          1 week

Expectations are tangible, with time frames (eg I need to be able to call my husband anytime even at his wifes house, timeframe is 3 months, and you will work to achieve the goal in 3 months AND recognition as the second wife in 2 weeks time AND having 3 nights a week and one weekend a month in 6 months from now.

Expectations are written down with copies, to hand out to the husband and the mediator.

Expectations are to be reviewed everyday.

Step4: Take stock                                                                 1 week

Review your assets: financial, social and personal.

Step5: Evaluate your choices and list the pros and cons of each choice       2 weeks

1)     Live in the present style: You are losing your rights BUT you are kind of satisfied because this is your comfort zone and changing your attitude is hard to do.

2)     Divorce: Though it will be easy to do and you can break free of the struggle going on right now, will you be able to deal with some of the issues later on. You have to see that you have had difficulty in dealing with your ex-husband.

3)     Change your life so that it gets better: This is hard; it depends on your willingness to change some personal attitudes. Also your husband�s behavior has been questionable. And his first wife, it appears that she is really not ready to be in a polygamous marriage and your husband is playing to her tune.

Step6: Bring your husband to the table.                       1 month (will take more than 1 meeting)

He has to present his plan and you will hash it out with him.

Your husband, I don�t want to doubt him as I do not know him, is acting strangely. Does he really think that when the first wife goes back to the marital home, and finds out he was sneaking out to meet you all this time, she will not move out once again?

You need to be firm when you deal with him here, leave the love out of the room for this session!

If he shows seriousness about the whole thing, then you have some chances.

If he becomes evasive, then you have to think if you want to stick it out with him.

At this stage you will also know what your husband�s expectations are, and when he expects the issue to be resolved.

Your husband has some things to realize here. And pass them on to his wife too. As long as he is married to you, he has to be equal in the way he spends his time, if he does not, he is putting a lot at risk.

He appears to be scared of his first wife, well, it just appears. He has shown a lot of bravado when marrying you when she was against it and now he cannot show some strength when he comes out to meet you?

Step7: Make an offer                                                                         1 week

Give him time/support; have a realistic approach when doing this. Once you commit you will have to stick with it.

Have a witness and have a written record so that no one can go back on their word. You might lose a lot of time in arguments about who agreed to what later on.

Step 8: Give up some of your rights for the time being.                    8 months

You are not getting these rights presently anyways.

Islamically, your right is something like 2 nights for weeks of the month and 3 nights for the other 2 weeks of the month. PLUS two weekends.

You can start off like this 0-3months � 1 night a week

3-4 months-1 night a week + 1 weekend

4-6 Months-1 night a week+2 weekends

6-8 months-2nights +2 weekends

8-10 months- 2nightsfor 2 weeks and 3 nights for the other 2 weeks of the month, PLUS the 2 weekends��

You will have reached your goal by then, InshaAllah.

Dear Rookaiya,

All the above steps have rules and reasons for doing them. If you wish take it up, then I can elaborate when we come to each step and we can discuss with others on the forum.

Najamsahar