How to deal with difficult MIL |
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Lameese
Senior Member Female Joined: 08 April 2002 Status: Offline Points: 304 |
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Thank you! Your MIL is a bit of a mental case, and I mean that seriously. Your husband is going to have to get hard where she is concerned. She is a master manipulator and has raised him this way. So, in a way he is kind of like her enabler. He needs to start standing up for you and himself. When she said all those lies about you he needs to stand up there and then and tell her that he will not tolerate this. Further, he needs to tell her he is not sending her the money and he is not lying for her again. She knows how to work him because she gave birth to him and raised him. The next thing he needs to do it to tell his father what is happening. He will have more control over her (not in a bad way) to make her stop this. This will show her that there are no "secrets" and that what she is doing is going to be exposed every time she tries to do it. And in reality she needs him more then he needs her. Your husband is the one she is manipulating and the one that cares and listens. He has to break this cycle with her because if not this will continue for the rest of your lives. Also, she will start to do this with your daughter. Do you want your daughter to hear lies about you? Do you want your daughter manipulated? This woman is childish and selfish and has a skewed view of reality. If your husband stands his ground, no matter how bad it is going to be, it will change his mothers attitude and behavior towards him and yourself. In the end she is not going to want to loose her son. It is kind of a behavior modification. I know this is his mother and this is going to be hard and awful but it needs to be done. His mother is not going to change her behavior unless he changes his towards her when she gets in her mood and is manipulative. I feel sorry for both of you. But he decided to take a wife and he needs to stand up for you. In the end you will be the one that is by his side and the mother of his children. He is now a father and a dad, not just a husband anymore.........Also, his father needs to know what is happening. It is his dad and he needs to tell him. I bet your husband would learn a lot about his mother from his father. Take care and get a mailbox! :) Lameese |
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Angel
Senior Member Joined: 03 July 2001 Status: Offline Points: 6641 |
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Don't worry I was clueless in the beginning as you were |
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~ Our feet are earthbound, but our hearts and our minds have wings ~
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222dnallohc
Newbie Joined: 21 March 2005 Status: Offline Points: 27 |
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Thank you for all the responses :) MIL= mother in law (although it can also mean monster in law too I guess!) I feel so sorry for my husband. He has always stood up for me, and never believes any of the stories she makes up. He told his mother last night how she is making him feel (about not asking about the baby), and she proceeded to make up additional stories about me, accuse me of not really being a Muslim, told him I ate pork in front of her, and said some pretty nasty words to him that I cant even repeat here. I told him I dont want to know the bad things she said. Basically she said she does not accept our marriage (even though we have been married for 10 years almost) and that she doesnt accept her grand daughter either. Now I know why he didnt want to talk to her about it...because I think he knew what she was going to say and he just didnt want to hear it. I feel very sorry for this woman...I really do believe now she is a sick person and needs help. I have to keep remembering that what she does is between her and Allah...she will have to answer for it some day. Ive decided to give up trying to find a solution, because there is no solution. I will continue to keep my distance, but encourage my husband to send whatever money he thinks he can afford each month, and continue talking to her. I think if he just keeps all his conversations with her focused on HER and nothing else, she will be happier and will leave me alone inshAllah. All I need to know is if she ever makes any threats against me or our baby, she hasnt yet, because if she does I WILL take some kind of legal action to protect us. I often fear that thats what this may come to eventually....its scary. My husband did confide in me about a couple of very physically abusive incidents that happened to him when he was a child around 9 or 10, things his mother did. So I always have that in the back of my mind...she is capable of physically hurting someone. Our little girl will have a wonderful grandmother, my mom, who is so excited about her arrival. Shes been more of a mother to my husband lately in all the hard times he has been through...while his own mother wasnt there for him emotionally in any way, even when he was on medical disability for three months last year, and even when he lost his job because of it...she didnt act like she even cared. I am going to try my very best to put this situation behind me and stop stressing about it, its hard to do, but we are very happy together and our lives will be even more full of joy when our daughter arrives. Edited by 222dnallohc |
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Abeer23
Senior Member Joined: 28 September 2005 Status: Offline Points: 493 |
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Allahuakbar You've made my day sister Amah Salam |
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Moona
Groupie Joined: 11 April 2006 Status: Offline Points: 48 |
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Moonie
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Lameese
Senior Member Female Joined: 08 April 2002 Status: Offline Points: 304 |
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Actually, I have to defend Muslima here. I have not known one woman who was Arab or was not Arab that her mother in law was good to her. My mother in law treats me wonderful, but I have never met her and she lives in the ME. I wonder if it would be a different story if I met her and stayed with them. Your mother in law is probably only a handful of women who is smart enough to realize that the woman is the husbands wife and going to be mother of his children. I know many, many, many women arab and non-arab married to Arab men who's mothers treat them bad. Never once did any one of these women say that their mother in law was good or even kind to them. Lameese |
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Hayfa
Senior Member Female Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 2368 |
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it is sad whenever there are such unnecessary, human made problems and heartaches caused by people! You would think that with al lthe real struggles in life your MIL would focus on doing GOOD. Uggh. Go help the poor and indigent for heavens sake! There a people like that all over, no culture or religion has a monopoly. *My sister's in-laws for example. Clearly your MIL has deeper problems than any one can change. Do let us know about what we can do for your internet baby shower, once you get settled. |
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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Muslima
Guest Group Joined: 10 June 2006 Status: Offline Points: 562 |
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Moona, Salam sister! I am sure there are some good women but to be honest, I think this is common to see problems bertween the wife and the mother inlaw. Since i am small, I always heard the womwn in my family talking about nasty mother-in-laws. I do not think Arab women are nastier than others but there are some economical problems and people live in the same house. This is hard to have once privacy and I think this is what creates problems. Also vetween the wives of the sons, either for jealousy or else. I wish you all the best anyway. Salam sister! |
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Allah Ou Akbar!
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