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Help me

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Fajrahmad13 View Drop Down
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Joined: 23 March 2019
Location: United States
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    Posted: 23 March 2019 at 3:50am
My dear brothers and sisters I am in a dire crisis of faith and identity. I have recently been released from the hospital after my 3rd suicide attempt. I was raised Christian but about 4 years ago took my shahada and embraced islam. I am here because I have deep mental and spiritual problems and I am sincerely seeking the advice of my beloved ummah. I am very depressed and anxious and possibly traumatized.

I am now 23 years old and since I was about 12 have been severely depressed and I have been anxious my whole life. At 12 I held a knife to my throat, at 19 I held a loaded gun to my head with the safety off, I have overdosed on medication 3 times in attempt to end my life since 2016 with the most recent being only a week ago. I am addicted to alcohol and marijuana. I am not happy with the state of my life and I am terrified of the day when I have to explain myself to Allah. I am so anxious that I once cried handing in a job application and have never been to a masjid even though there is a small one in my hometown. I am deeply afraid of new places and new people. When I was a child my younger step brother sexually assaulted me when we shared a room. I love my parents very much but they were both sometimes abusive to me both emotionally and physically. I do not claim to have had the worst life, but I have suffered.

I first heard of Islam from watching a documentary on Hajj in school and in my naivete and ignorance wondered if white people like me could be Muslim. I immediately felt a pull to this religion that I couldn't explain. People have asked me why I became Muslim and my answer is always that it just feels instinctively right.

Please bear with me as I fear you may not understand what I am about to say and it is taking a lot of strength to even come here with this issue, I am truly bearing my deepest secrets to you. When I began dating as a teenager I started to notice that I was somewhat jealous of my girlfriends and wished I could be pretty like them. I assumed I was a straight Male so these feelings deeply confused me. They only intensified as I got older. Regrettably I committed much zina during this time before I had faith and realized the consequences, I will not be graphic here but seeing the naked bodies of women made these confusing feelings of jealousy and sorrow even stronger. I wanted to be like them. I was terrified to tell anyone, I felt ashamed and broken so I kept it secret except to one girlfriend who I loved and trusted very deeply. When we broke up I was distraught. I was worried she would tell people and worse I had no one to discuss these things with. She was the only one I trusted with such secrets. I wanted to be a woman. This is difficult for me to even type.

Eventually i grew to be more comfortable with the idea until i accepted islam. Now things feel complicated and scary again. I dont know how to reconcile these feelings with my faith. And this fear is in no small part a contribution to my depression and anxiety. It's confusing, I am attracted to women, I don't have to worry about the crimes of the people of Lut, no matter my stance on those who do, but I feel like something in me won't be satisfied if I live my life as a man. Am I broken? Are these feelings the work of Shaytaan? Is this a trial from Allah? I dont know how to navigate this.

These confusions played a large part in the motivation behind my most recent suicide attempt. I want to be a believer, I want to be among the righteous on the day of Judgment but I am confused. Besides all this my addictions scare me. No matter how much I tell myself this is the last time I keep coming back I cant stop myself. I find myself walking to the store to buy alcohol thinking "I dont want to do this" but I keep walking. I feel weak willed and pathetic.

My mental illness makes it difficult to keep a job. I keep trying but I get so anxious that i try to hurt myself or make myself sick to avoid work. It's not that i want to be lazy, i am intelligent and good at every job I've had but i can't handle it after a certain amount of time. I've dropped out of college twice despite being an honors student when I was admitted. I feel like I've failed everything I've attempted as an adult, I cant even kill myself right. I can't tell if being alive is Allah's mercy or his punishment. Sometimes I can't even tell if I'm already in jahannam.

Please, you must think awful things of me but I am so desperate. In the deepest parts of my soul I want to please Allah, I want him to be happy with me. But I feel too weak to keep the path. I cant even stock shelves at a grocery store how can I please the lord of all the worlds? Please help me, I have nowhere else to turn but my ummah. I don't have any Muslim friends or family, I am all alone in my faith. I dont want to die in disbelief and sin but I feel unworthy of the deen. I feel unworthy of the life and mercy already granted to me. I believe shaytaan visited one of my dreams recently, I am so very afraid. Please help me brothers and sisters, I have no one but you and Allah.
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Joined: 13 December 2012
Location: India
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote NABA Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 May 2019 at 4:29pm
Recite 5 time namaz,read Quran and ask for forgiveness,in Sha Allah,Allah will give you success in this world and hereafter
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