Help me

My dear brothers and sisters I am in a dire crisis of faith and identity. I have recently been released from the hospital after my 3rd suicide attempt. I was raised Christian but about 4 years ago took my shahada and embraced islam. I am here because I have deep mental and spiritual problems and I am sincerely seeking the advice of my beloved ummah. I am very depressed and anxious and possibly traumatized.

I am now 23 years old and since I was about 12 have been severely depressed and I have been anxious my whole life. At 12 I held a knife to my throat, at 19 I held a loaded gun to my head with the safety off, I have overdosed on medication 3 times in attempt to end my life since 2016 with the most recent being only a week ago. I am addicted to alcohol and marijuana. I am not happy with the state of my life and I am terrified of the day when I have to explain myself to Allah. I am so anxious that I once cried handing in a job application and have never been to a masjid even though there is a small one in my hometown. I am deeply afraid of new places and new people. When I was a child my younger step brother sexually assaulted me when we shared a room. I love my parents very much but they were both sometimes abusive to me both emotionally and physically. I do not claim to have had the worst life, but I have suffered.

I first heard of Islam from watching a documentary on Hajj in school and in my naivete and ignorance wondered if white people like me could be Muslim. I immediately felt a pull to this religion that I couldn't explain. People have asked me why I became Muslim and my answer is always that it just feels instinctively right.

Please bear with me as I fear you may not understand what I am about to say and it is taking a lot of strength to even come here with this issue, I am truly bearing my deepest secrets to you. When I began dating as a teenager I started to notice that I was somewhat jealous of my girlfriends and wished I could be pretty like them. I assumed I was a straight Male so these feelings deeply confused me. They only intensified as I got older. Regrettably I committed much zina during this time before I had faith and realized the consequences, I will not be graphic here but seeing the naked bodies of women made these confusing feelings of jealousy and sorrow even stronger. I wanted to be like them. I was terrified to tell anyone, I felt ashamed and broken so I kept it secret except to one girlfriend who I loved and trusted very deeply. When we broke up I was distraught. I was worried she would tell people and worse I had no one to discuss these things with. She was the only one I trusted with such secrets. I wanted to be a woman. This is difficult for me to even type.

Eventually i grew to be more comfortable with the idea until i accepted islam. Now things feel complicated and scary again. I dont know how to reconcile these feelings with my faith. And this fear is in no small part a contribution to my depression and anxiety. It's confusing, I am attracted to women, I don't have to worry about the crimes of the people of Lut, no matter my stance on those who do, but I feel like something in me won't be satisfied if I live my life as a man. Am I broken? Are these feelings the work of Shaytaan? Is this a trial from Allah? I dont know how to navigate this.

These confusions played a large part in the motivation behind my most recent suicide attempt. I want to be a believer, I want to be among the righteous on the day of Judgment but I am confused. Besides all this my addictions scare me. No matter how much I tell myself this is the last time I keep coming back I cant stop myself. I find myself walking to the store to buy alcohol thinking "I dont want to do this" but I keep walking. I feel weak willed and pathetic.

My mental illness makes it difficult to keep a job. I keep trying but I get so anxious that i try to hurt myself or make myself sick to avoid work. It's not that i want to be lazy, i am intelligent and good at every job I've had but i can't handle it after a certain amount of time. I've dropped out of college twice despite being an honors student when I was admitted. I feel like I've failed everything I've attempted as an adult, I cant even kill myself right. I can't tell if being alive is Allah's mercy or his punishment. Sometimes I can't even tell if I'm already in jahannam.

Please, you must think awful things of me but I am so desperate. In the deepest parts of my soul I want to please Allah, I want him to be happy with me. But I feel too weak to keep the path. I cant even stock shelves at a grocery store how can I please the lord of all the worlds? Please help me, I have nowhere else to turn but my ummah. I don't have any Muslim friends or family, I am all alone in my faith. I dont want to die in disbelief and sin but I feel unworthy of the deen. I feel unworthy of the life and mercy already granted to me. I believe shaytaan visited one of my dreams recently, I am so very afraid. Please help me brothers and sisters, I have no one but you and Allah.

Recite 5 time namaz,read Quran and ask for forgiveness,in Sha Allah,Allah will give you success in this world and hereafter

Ya Abdullah! Allah Will Forgive You, If U Give Up Everything. Tawbah Is The Best Way!

Assalam o Alaikum Brother,

Other brothers have given you some good advice. In my opinion,you need some good Muslims friends around you. Try to go the mosque near your home and make some Muslim friends.

May Allah help you overcome your challenges in life. Ameen!