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Gay feelings

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Joined: 11 September 2018
Location: Jeddah
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    Posted: 11 September 2018 at 11:43am
Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters.
I’m really embarrassed to say this,but I really want help with what I’m about to say. I’m a 13 year old boy. I’ll tell you my story from the start.
When I was in 4th grade I had a close friend ever since we were in kindergarten,but there was this time we were sitting on the prayer mat in school waiting for dhur prayer,and something unexpected happened. My friend that I have known for years slowly touched under my back and said, “No one will see.”, so I, In a joking manner, I acted as if I was gonna touch his private area, but that wasn’t my intention. So, he said “No!” While laughing. At first I thought he was just joking and stuff so I just didn’t care much about it.
After praying, he suddenly touched my private area, and this was where my gay feelings started to come. I started touching his private area, and so did he. We never got naked.
Throughout those years of those gay feelings and bad stuff happening till 6th grade. I was praying everyday that those feelings would go away, but they just wouldn’t. So, in 6th grade, i told my friend that me and my closest friend do this stuff. I never thought he would tell any body, but he ended up telling both our parents then we got punished for that. I eventually said that this has stopped all thanks to Allah. I said that allah probably wanted this to happen answering my prayers. The worst part begins here. In 7th grade I was like it’s finally all over. Until I find out that he’s been doing that stuff with someone else. I got those feelings again! After a short period of time I went back to doing this stuff.
I kept praying even more that my feelings would go away. I realized that my closest friend was my worst friend. He put me in so much trouble, but thankfully I had a friend whom I had ever since I was a 3rd grader. I hesitated to tell him my story because I thought he would start to hate me, but I eventually did. We started making deals in order for me to stop. I’d say I’ll buy you (something) if I do it again. Sometimes I’d do it, but it has become rare. Then I increased the amount of things to buy him. It became more rare to do. Eventually 7th grade finished and I’m in 8th grade 2 months away from being 14 years old. I increased the amount to buy my friend 10 items. I finally stopped doing this stuff, but there’s still one thing bothering me. I’m still getting those feelings, but I don’t do this stuff anymore. I really want those feelings to go away. Thank you all for hearing me out. Please don’t go throwing hate on me. I’m trying to be a good Muslim and become closer to Allah.
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