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My wife is a crazy-maker help me please

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Shukar-Allah View Drop Down
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    Posted: 20 August 2018 at 6:07am
Asslamalykum brothers & sisters, I need your help and advise. I will explain the problems as below 

I am in a situation which is really making me loose control calm and patience. My wife has been creating chaos in my house.  I live with my mother wife and young daughter.  

1- Her (my wife's) behaviour is thankless, she is from a humble background and in our house she is getting all the luxuries of life.   

*She lies
*She spies on me and my mother
* Calls me and my mother lier's
* Call me names like chalak-taiz-pagal- in front of her sister not in front of me

I do all groceries and handle every thing, my mother does not buy much for herself but she always gets my wife new dresses etc In the beginning of our marriage I asked my wife to look after house issues because my mother is old and I have to look after my business from home and other prospects of earnings but she really did not care and treated resources  very carelessly, waste of groceries, meat, soaps, lot of food has been going waste which could have been used to given to some poor. 

2-My wife does not respect my mother's privacy and spies behind the doors whom she talks to & what is she saying on the phone. I have seen this myself once and I was really disappointed. I did not knew that she is such type of person. She manipulates the servants & ask them to spy on mother and son what they talk.  

3- She badmouths me and my mother to her sister , how sad & heart-breaking for me. I loved her with all the sincerity & commitment & she badmouths and disrespects me.

4- She does not cover herself properly and is careless about it, I have spoke to her many times about it, but the end result of any discussions comes to me being wrong. I tried being polite and otherwise as well but I never raised my hand on her . When I am out of house she takes off the curtains of living room and neighbours can easily see and no parda is maintained. EVEN I HAVE SEEN HER FEEDING MY daughter with curtains open twice and I got fumed that what on earth you are doing. 

5-  Another thing is that she wants her younger sister to be married to my younger brother but we do not want that after how she has been behaving since 2 & half years. These sisters always moan about money and material things, I do not want my young brother to be in the same hell as I am. 

She sabotages my mother's efforts to find a girl for my young brother and make annoying faces when some guests/match-makers comes over for tea. 

She makes sad and displeased faces in front of me, cries for nothing and do things which put my mood off when I say please do not do that I dont like it, she says you dont like anything. 

I have tried a lot I have communicated a lot and tried to guide her that please for God's sake be thankful to Allah for what HE ( Allah ) has bestowed upon us all even in difficult times be thank-full and do not destroy the peace of this house.  

I look after my mother as much as I can do and do not let my wife do anything for my mother because my wife is not a nice person by heart . 

I have spoke to my mother about this situation and she has asked me to bear this woman and stay patient for your daughter's sake, otherwise you will loose your daughter. By the way I love my daughter and now not so much in love with my wife.

6- She does not care for my rest and disturbs me while I am sleeping. I have not been taking proper sleep for months now. 

7- I have asked her many time to make an early sleeping habit so that we all can sleep properly and in discipline. She says your daughter does not sleep early that is why I stay awake but no one has stopped you going to sleep earlier. 

I replied to her then whats the point of being a family if we we sleep at different times and wake up at different times and cannot make discipline, she is the same the next day and all my efforts of communication goes in waste. 

Today I scolded my mother's servant for some of his mistake I was loud and harsh. It affected my mother's health however after an hour my mother became alright.

But today's event has really broke me from inside I do not want to disturb the atmosphere of my house but my wife is really making me crazy because of all her antics.

I have requested her to please fear Allah and come back on the right path but it all seems in vain.

I want nothing but peace & some proper rest to utilise day timings properly but cannot.  I do not say anything to anyone but my wife deprives me from all and she never improves. 

Please help me and guide me how can I stay level headed & look after my old mother and raise my daughter. I love my mother I pray to Allah always that I want to help serve and look after my mother all my life because what I am today is because of my of my parents. and siblings. I want to use my youth and power to make my mother's old age nice and happy but because of my wife I have started loosing focus on life issues. 

I had an accident a couple of days before and a bike rider smashed in my car I was scratch less but now I am getting scared as well.

Please pray for me brothers and sisters

I appreciate your sincere advise
May Allah Help and guide us all through testing times.
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Dr. Aslam View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dr. Aslam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 August 2018 at 12:02pm
Wa alaikum,
In this situation you may have to have a gradual program to deal with the situation.
It is better that you separate for a few months. Ask her to go to her parents house and reflect about her future relations.
After that period, sit down with her and calmly without being angry discuss all your concerns and listen to her concerns.
Both of you should agree on a formula that would bring peace in your life.
Let us see what happens once you do these two steps.

Best Regards,
Aslam Abdullah
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abuayisha View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 September 2018 at 12:14pm
Assalamu alaikum,

You may want to try to stop micro-managing the house and leave it to your wife and mother. Have the windows treated with a film so nobody can see inside, yet those inside can enjoy sunlight. Often people may lie from fear of your reaction - take it easy. People may spy from lack of trust. Are you behaving in such a way that may cause your wife to spy? Allow your wife to have her own personality, rather than viewing her behavior as undermining or sabotage. If you have other older brothers and sisters, perhaps they can keep mom for a few months to allow for greater bonding between you and your wife. I haven't heard any complaints about her being a good mother to your daughter. As you want her to be thankful, also be thankful for those good qualities she has and try to overlook that which you don't like. Take your mothers advice and be patient. Allah bless you to be thankful and patient. Give your wife gifts and praise her for anything good she does. Stop being fussy and fault-finding around the house. Get out the house and get some exercise.
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Shukar-Allah View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shukar-Allah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 September 2018 at 4:38am
Thank you brother Aslam for your kind guidance & taking time to reply.

Yes I am taking all necessary steps to mend things & I am also trying stay calm & focused. 

Jazak Allah
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