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marriage and home issue

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DavidM View Drop Down
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Joined: 10 April 2018
Location: ottawa
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    Posted: 10 April 2018 at 3:57am
Assalamualaikum.

Im having lots of issues at the moment. My wife of 4 years is a revert and when we married we planned to move out of the house which lived my parents, my sister, my brother and his wife and son. My dad convinced us to live with them and it started ok but things started to get heated. Like why arent the girls always cleaning why is my wife doing this and yours isnt etc.

I made a promise to my wife once house is finished we'll find our own place. My wife is not one bit used to our culture but she remained strong and i feel bad as i should not have put her in this situation.

My dad and sister control the house. My dad controls us all. He has controlled our life and still does now.

My dad is in his 70s and active and my mom is in her 60s and not so active.

My brother moved out 2 years ago which surprised us all as he told us he'd always take care of our parents.

The issue remains as every weekend my brother and his family stay over at our house. My wife just statted putting hijab on last year and shes alsp the type who gets hot fast so she struggles at home since my brother is there she has to put it on. My brother and his wife work a lot so in weekends they leave their son for all of us to take care of. Amd his son is at the point where kids misbehave. We have a 2 year old and a newborn so it's tough for us to take care of one more kid.

My issue here is my wife andni would like privacy dor ourselves but it's impossible.

My wife has shown recently she is very stressed and hasnt said she wants to move out but i can see from her face she wants to.

I don't know what to do as my parents are old and my sister will be only one to pay the bills.

My siblings treat my dad as if he is important and nothing else so if i tell tjem I'm moving out it will be all out war with my whole family against my wife and i. All i see is everyone no longer talking to me and holdimg grudge against us or they will blame my wife for it all. My brothers situation was easy as i was still in the house but with me leaving they will say im a girl and not man enough to take care of my parents as per our culture. I also forgot to mention my siblings ans i continue to have arguments. When my brother moved out everyone turned on him and his wife except for menand my wife as we encouraged them. We had issues in the house so we encouraged them to make their life better.

Yesterday i messaged my brother as i thought je would unserstand my sotuation and asked him for help for best way to ask to move out. Instead he started an argument with me which turned bad.

If i don't do anything my wife will be stressed and sas but if i do the whole family turns against me and i probably lose mt chance of jannah because my dad will not forgive me. Culture is more important to them than religion. Please advise best course of action I'm lost and thinking od divorce to avoid losing my parents over this but i love my wife and children it will break me.
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Dr. Aslam View Drop Down
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Joined: 24 February 2018
Location: California USA
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Dr. Aslam Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 April 2018 at 9:27am
Wa alaikum Salam,
Thanks for sharing your complicated situation.
You need to sit down with your brother and sister to discuss the entire situation. All three of you have to find a solution to the situation.
Your family has every right for privacy and you should have.
One possible solution depending on finances is to rent two small units in the same building, one for your parents and one for your family. This way both of you would be close as well as have privacy.
However, you need to discuss it with your siblings and then with your parents as well.

Best Regards,
Aslam Abdullah
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aka2x2 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote aka2x2 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 May 2018 at 1:45pm
Your post indicates you understand that Islam and culture are two different things and should not be confused with each other.
Quran teaches us that neither parent nor child should come to harm because of the other... Furthermore, there is no requirement for living together your parents...
You are a man with a wife and children. You should make the decision that is best for your family's living arrangement... If living with the extended family is not working, maybe you and your siblings should live on your own, but provide financially and materially for your parents; to the best of your abilities...

Respectfully
aka2x2
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