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Abusive father

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Jamila94 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 31 December 2014 at 11:07am
Salamaleikum brothers and sisters,

I have a major issue in my life that i need to speak about and get some advice on, my father is not a good muslim or infact now has come to hate islam and religion, whereeas my mother is a good muslim and practices all aspects of the religion. When i was younger my father had health issues which led to 2 cardiac arrests and since then he has been ill, however since that time he has become more and more abusive and bitter about life. He argues with us all the time about religion is verbally abusive and has tried to kill himself a few times infront of me since i was 11 years old. It is at a point my parents live together but do not talk but still my father tries to find ways to create arguments, he starts talking about religion and insulting us and whenever i try to have a normal conversation he will blame all his problems on me telling me i caused his health issues (even though i was 9 at the time) im good for nothing, uneducated (even though im currently at university) he always cusses me and is mean when he is in a rage. when hes not arguing hes always disrespecting my mother and she never says anything as not to make his illness worse.
when there is a huge argument things get out of hand and i stick up for my mum because hes giving her anxiety. He tries to tell me to move out if i dont like it and that he hates me and that ive been a burden since birth, he feels like i gang up on him with my mother but he cant see that he is the one creating the problems, he always insults my mother to me and tells me im like her. He has threatened to break things in our house and has too, stolen my mums jewellery and after hes finished with his rage he has no remorse and manipulates us to say we are bad and we are out to kill him and finish him off.
He says islam is this and that and says im brainwashed and a terrorist like ISIS and that i will fail in life like my mother and always puts me down and insults me and her to the point one time he went to take her hijab off her head and spit on her when she was praying saying he wishes she gets cancer and dies. Astagfirallah i feel like he is possessed and anytime i try to tell my mum to leave him and just divorce him she says that it will surely kill him and she doesnt want to do haram to him and she stays for me! Honestly at this point i want nothing better than for them to separate because he is crazy but i know he has no family here and nowhere to go.
He is so selfish to the point he doesn't care if im studying or if I'm ill or if its sending me into depression and always puts himself first and then says ive caused problems and he will never forgive me or talk to me! he is honestly deluded and i am on the edge with this situation. Im becoming more miserable and depressed to the point i dont want to marry any man because i feel like he has given me such a bad experience about marriage.Please could i get some advice.



Edited by Jamila94 - 31 December 2014 at 11:10am
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NABA View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote NABA Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31 December 2014 at 11:05pm
Assalamalecum,read Quran with translation and try to implement its verses in your life,and ask help from Allah.ch 21 v 87 of Quran-la illaha illah anta subhanaka inni kuntum minal zalimin, this was the prayer that prophet Yunus (pbuh) did to Allah when he was in the belly of whale and Allah saved him.so ask help from Allah and Allah will solve ur problems.may Allah solve all your problems.Ameen.do dhikr of Allah often.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 January 2015 at 6:57am
Jamila, wa alaikum salaam, and welcome! I suggest, if possible, that you and your mom meet secretly with his cardiologist and primary doctor, to determine if the medication he is taking might be causing his caustic behavior. Perhaps an adjustment in his medication along with his diet may prove helpful. Does he take walks for exercise? Does he have any hobbies or interests? Are any of his siblings living close, who may be able to get him out of the home a few days a week for an outing? Is it possible that he is experiencing early stages of Alzheimer's disease or dementia? Follow your moms example in being patient, avoid arguments, be as agreeable as humanly possible. Work on finding out if there are any psychological or physiological issues with you dad's behavior. Above all, be vigilant regarding you and your mom's safety. Do not hesitate to call the police should his behavior become harmful to himself, or family members. He sounds scared. Reassure him and be as supportive as possible. Allah make it easy on you, and reward you for your patience.    
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Abu Loren Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 January 2015 at 10:02am
Originally posted by Jamila94 Jamila94 wrote:

Salamaleikum brothers and sisters,

I have a major issue in my life that i need to speak about and get some advice on, my father is not a good muslim or infact now has come to hate islam and religion, whereeas my mother is a good muslim and practices all aspects of the religion. When i was younger my father had health issues which led to 2 cardiac arrests and since then he has been ill, however since that time he has become more and more abusive and bitter about life. He argues with us all the time about religion is verbally abusive and has tried to kill himself a few times infront of me since i was 11 years old. It is at a point my parents live together but do not talk but still my father tries to find ways to create arguments, he starts talking about religion and insulting us and whenever i try to have a normal conversation he will blame all his problems on me telling me i caused his health issues (even though i was 9 at the time) im good for nothing, uneducated (even though im currently at university) he always cusses me and is mean when he is in a rage. when hes not arguing hes always disrespecting my mother and she never says anything as not to make his illness worse.
when there is a huge argument things get out of hand and i stick up for my mum because hes giving her anxiety. He tries to tell me to move out if i dont like it and that he hates me and that ive been a burden since birth, he feels like i gang up on him with my mother but he cant see that he is the one creating the problems, he always insults my mother to me and tells me im like her. He has threatened to break things in our house and has too, stolen my mums jewellery and after hes finished with his rage he has no remorse and manipulates us to say we are bad and we are out to kill him and finish him off.
He says islam is this and that and says im brainwashed and a terrorist like ISIS and that i will fail in life like my mother and always puts me down and insults me and her to the point one time he went to take her hijab off her head and spit on her when she was praying saying he wishes she gets cancer and dies. Astagfirallah i feel like he is possessed and anytime i try to tell my mum to leave him and just divorce him she says that it will surely kill him and she doesnt want to do haram to him and she stays for me! Honestly at this point i want nothing better than for them to separate because he is crazy but i know he has no family here and nowhere to go.
He is so selfish to the point he doesn't care if im studying or if I'm ill or if its sending me into depression and always puts himself first and then says ive caused problems and he will never forgive me or talk to me! he is honestly deluded and i am on the edge with this situation. Im becoming more miserable and depressed to the point i dont want to marry any man because i feel like he has given me such a bad experience about marriage.Please could i get some advice.



Wa Alaikum Asalaam

You need to have patience even though it is like you are living in hell at the moment. He clearly needs help and your mum is right by not abandoning him. It does seem like he's possessed as he hates religion and anything else to do with it.

Make du'a for him and ask Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala to make life easier for you and your mum. Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala has promised us all ease after difficulty. Alhamdulilah.

This reminds me of a Hadith of RasulAllah (SalAllahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) where he says that a man will show signs of heading for hell fire but at the last minute he changes and repents to Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala and is forgiven and given Jannah. Just pray for him that he changes and become a good Muslim In shaa Allah.
La Ilaha IllAllah
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Naykas Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 January 2015 at 5:27pm
I am 100% in agreement with the beautiful suggestions by abuayisha above. A man that lived through 2 cardiac arrests have seen many things average people can only imagine. Some of these patients get so disgusted with life sometimes, they often wish they are dead. I've come across some like that at work, that I often asked myself if this patient can treat/talk to us(healthcare worker) like that how will they be when they are at home? Your dad is no longer an ordinary human being, he is a physically and mentally sick human being that still deserve to be respected for Allah's sake. The safety of you and your mom is very concerning, by now both should have an emergency action/escape plan, his physician should be aware of his behaviors and never hesitate to call the authority, also notify your other relatives, your mom is right but needs to set some SAFETY limitations and avoid any aggravating situations with him.      
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote seekshidayath Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 January 2015 at 5:12am
As Salamu Alaikum wa rahmatullah

Sis Jameelah, you have got good advices from our members. I have no advice, but a reminder, that inshaAllah, you and your mother shall get rewarded for the patience. Please don't think of abandoning your father. When kids grow up and take a side of their mother, father say that both got grouped. They feel alone. Just try to agree whatever he says. Agree with him with whatever he says { even when you know he is wrong, for instance, when he says you are responsible for all that - agree.} I mean, try getting closer to him, though its a tough task. Sometimes, take side of your father in a fight { let your mother know this, that you are doing it intentionally}. Though, he shall be surprised by your stand,but you shall see, he shall realise his faults slowly, insha Allah.

Please, don't stop making duas, as duas make ways we don't even imagine.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: �All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ron Webb Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 January 2015 at 8:45am
Originally posted by abuayisha abuayisha wrote:

Jamila, wa alaikum salaam, and welcome! I suggest, if possible, that you and your mom meet secretly with his cardiologist and primary doctor, to determine if the medication he is taking might be causing his caustic behavior.

It's a good suggestion, but I doubt that his doctors would be able to give you much information due to confidentiality issues.  It might be useful to let the doctors know about his behaviour anyway, so that they can take that into account in adjusting his medication or finding an alternative treatment.

If you can find out the names of whatever medicine he is taking (assuming he is on medication -- I don't think you made that clear), it's easy to search for it online and find out the side effects.
Addeenul Aql Religion is intellect.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote TarekIbnZiad Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 March 2018 at 11:35am
I'm going to be brutally honest here. I wish for allah to destroy your father for what he has done to you and your mother. This man is disgusting like a parasitic worm on this earth. You deserve better and may he rot in the deapest pit of jahanam.
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