Need some advice.. Really confused.

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   Salam everyone, 

I just wanted some advice so I though about posting to ask for it.. I am 21 years old and I am married to my boyfriend of 4years. Our parents don't know about our marriage but all our close friends and cousins ect do. 

Me and my husband have always wanted to be together and married to each other and the reason why our parents don't know is because they would never accept us together, he has this girl who he used to see before me and since the day she found out that me and him were together she has done nothing but cause drama. SHe went crying to his mum saying really bad things about me which is why his mum doesn't like me infact she hates my guts.. And because of which she wants to get him married to her. He has told his mum on many occasions that he loves but she would not listen. She said to Him that if he wants to be with me then he must forget about his mum and dad and that they would be dead to him. 

Because of this reason I would never tell him to choose me over his family because they have always been there for him and that is his parents and he would never say or ask for me to leave my family either. He chose to listen to his mum and get engaged to her and is going to marry her soon however he is married to me and his parents don't know about it. He has made it clear to his mum that when she marries him and comes into his parents house he will be sleeping in a separate bedroom. He hates the girl so much because of everything she has done to me and my family and to his family. His mum is so infatuated by her lies that she cannot see the damage that she has caused between the mother and son relationship. He used to be so close to his mum and because of her he feels so pushed away from his mum and feels like she hates him and has cried to me many times about this. He is so scared to lose his family and feels that because of her doings he will no longer have his family with him because she has pushed his mum away from him so much that he feels there's no relationship there anymore. 

Everytime I ask him to say something to his mum about our marriage he says that he can't because he will loose his family and I cannot keep hiding it away from my family because they are beginning to pressurize me to get married to someone else. 

I have thought about telling my parents and asking them to deal with it but I am scared as to how he will react if he finds out that I told them. And I don't want to hurt him or make things anymore difficult then they already are because I love him and I am prepared to do anything for him. But by telling my parents would mean that I would have to hide this from him and I don't want him to feel betrayed by me and I would just like some advice as to what I can do. 

Edited by Unknown123 - 22 April 2014 at 2:18pm

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Unknown123 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter. Female Joined: 22 April 2014 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 4	Post Options Post Reply Quote Unknown123 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Topic: Need some advice.. Really confused. Posted: 22 April 2014 at 2:16pm
	Salam everyone, I just wanted some advice so I though about posting to ask for it.. I am 21 years old and I am married to my boyfriend of 4years. Our parents don't know about our marriage but all our close friends and cousins ect do. Me and my husband have always wanted to be together and married to each other and the reason why our parents don't know is because they would never accept us together, he has this girl who he used to see before me and since the day she found out that me and him were together she has done nothing but cause drama. SHe went crying to his mum saying really bad things about me which is why his mum doesn't like me infact she hates my guts.. And because of which she wants to get him married to her. He has told his mum on many occasions that he loves but she would not listen. She said to Him that if he wants to be with me then he must forget about his mum and dad and that they would be dead to him. Because of this reason I would never tell him to choose me over his family because they have always been there for him and that is his parents and he would never say or ask for me to leave my family either. He chose to listen to his mum and get engaged to her and is going to marry her soon however he is married to me and his parents don't know about it. He has made it clear to his mum that when she marries him and comes into his parents house he will be sleeping in a separate bedroom. He hates the girl so much because of everything she has done to me and my family and to his family. His mum is so infatuated by her lies that she cannot see the damage that she has caused between the mother and son relationship. He used to be so close to his mum and because of her he feels so pushed away from his mum and feels like she hates him and has cried to me many times about this. He is so scared to lose his family and feels that because of her doings he will no longer have his family with him because she has pushed his mum away from him so much that he feels there's no relationship there anymore. Everytime I ask him to say something to his mum about our marriage he says that he can't because he will loose his family and I cannot keep hiding it away from my family because they are beginning to pressurize me to get married to someone else. I have thought about telling my parents and asking them to deal with it but I am scared as to how he will react if he finds out that I told them. And I don't want to hurt him or make things anymore difficult then they already are because I love him and I am prepared to do anything for him. But by telling my parents would mean that I would have to hide this from him and I don't want him to feel betrayed by me and I would just like some advice as to what I can do. Edited by Unknown123 - 22 April 2014 at 2:18pm

semar Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Male Islam Joined: 11 March 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 1830	Post Options Post Reply Quote semar Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 22 April 2014 at 9:36pm
	Salam, First, you can not marry without permission of your father. Secondly, on that time when you married to him, you were just 17, so it's very young, on that age emotion is very dominant. That's why this is a lesson for you that listening and respect parent opinion is very important for children specially if they still in teen age. For now, considering the situation please let him go. Ask forgiveness to Allah fro your mistake, and pray to Him insha Allah you will find someone else to be your "true" companion. Edited by semar - 23 April 2014 at 11:45am
	Salam/Peace, Semar "We are people who do not eat until we are hungry and do not eat to our fill." (Prophet Muhammad PBUH) "1/3 of your stomach for food, 1/3 for water, 1/3 for air"

Unknown123 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Starter. Female Joined: 22 April 2014 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 4	Post Options Post Reply Quote Unknown123 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 April 2014 at 12:41am
	Salam, Sorry I forgot to say I married him recently about 3-4months ago.. Me and my dad don't have no relationship.. He lives seperate to my mum and us.

Abu Loren Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 29 June 2012 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 1646	Post Options Post Reply Quote Abu Loren Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 April 2014 at 3:35am
	How can you call yourself a Muslim? You are nothing but a silly little slut. stop living this lie and come clean and be honest with everyone concerned. Repent and ask Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala to forgive you and try to live a clean life that is Islamic. Before anybody says that i am judgmental I am only replying to the case file given.

abuayisha Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Muslim Joined: 05 October 1999 Location: Los Angeles Status: Offline Points: 5105	Post Options Post Reply Quote abuayisha Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 April 2014 at 8:08am
	Advice for Abu Loren.... The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: "Be kind, for whenever kindness becomes part of something, it beautifies it. Whenever it is taken from something, it leaves it tarnished." He also said: "Make things simple and do not complicate them. Calm people and do not drive them away." - Imam Bukhari's Book of Muslim Morals and Manners Edited by abuayisha - 24 April 2014 at 7:07am

Abu Loren Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Joined: 29 June 2012 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 1646	Post Options Post Reply Quote Abu Loren Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 April 2014 at 11:11am
	Duly noted but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. i just hope she wakes up and smell the coffee.

semar Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member Male Islam Joined: 11 March 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 1830	Post Options Post Reply Quote semar Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 April 2014 at 11:55am
	I just wonder who is the "wali" during the nikah if not your father. In any case, just tell the truth, your parents also have right over you. He took care of you since your were a baby. So just tell the truth, and face it what will happen, if you husband is a mature men he can face and handle the situation. If not perhaps he is not very responsible person and he is not a tough guy to face the real life that not always sweet.
	Salam/Peace, Semar "We are people who do not eat until we are hungry and do not eat to our fill." (Prophet Muhammad PBUH) "1/3 of your stomach for food, 1/3 for water, 1/3 for air"

Rofexa Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Newbie Joined: 17 September 2012 Status: Offline Points: 19	Post Options Post Reply Quote Rofexa Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23 April 2014 at 7:55pm
	As-salam Alaykum to one and all, lets be good examples to our new member, no wonder we are in such a mess in the world, if we treat each other this way, how is this an example for rightness. Now, As-salam Alaykum Unknown123, You said you wanted advise, I could sugar coat everything and tell you it will be all right just have patience, he will come around. But, that is not the truth. So here we go, Where to begin, Take a look @your marriage of secrets, your soul sounds tortured. I'm sure you thought it was so romantic to be married in secret, so brave-heart, (Mel Gibson). However, your parents don't know? Wow! That can wear on you. Look you can't seriously think you would be betraying him if you told your own parents? My opinion, you have been betrayed, by him. If he doesn't have the will or inclination, to stand up for you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life as a second class wife? The secret one? Honestly he will get tired of it and so will you. However, not until you have a child in the mix. You probability have already had that idea. That maybe of we had a baby, he would come around. OK I know the words sound harsh, I also know these thoughts are in the recesses of your mind hence the seeking advise from the IslamiCity Forum. OK now what, well want do you want, that you can control. Pray Salat-l-Istikhara, here is a link on how to perform it & what it means. http://www.hadithoftheday.com/inspiration/islamic-information/how-to-perform-salat-l-istikhara/ But don't ask for this boy, ask for Allah to forgive you for your short comings, guide you to your path, be him or someone else and last but no least to accept his will. That's a tough one, we are such an ungrateful being. We ask Allah for things and when we don't get them we are spiteful. What we need to always be mindful of is that Allah will give what he deems correct for us. We have to accept this in our hearts gratefully and with a glad heart. The love you have for this boy doesn't sound like the love of a Man who will protect and provide for you and his children. It sounds like the romantic love that usually dies a lonely death. Trust me you don't want Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet for a marriage. Look how they ended up. You want a marriage built on trust in Allah and trust in each other, that you can count on. No more secrets or lies. I'm speak from experiences here, I have been married for over 20 years.. Marriage is hard!! but, when you pile up secrets on top of that, it is darn near impossible. Come clean with both sets of parents, if he isn't willing then you have your answer. Edited by Rofexa - 23 April 2014 at 8:04pm