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How do I tell my future husband know I was raped?

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Sarh777 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 12 March 2014 at 4:10pm
As salamu Alaikum everybody....

This is the first time I am posting such a question in a forum.

More than an year back, I was sort of seeing this guy (he is my friend's brother). It was not a relationship. I knew he liked me and I sort of liked him back. One day I was at their place and my friend asked him to drive me home. I agree I was to blame as well for not standing up strong, but I guess I was a little afraid to disappoint him and he... manipulated me towards closeness and then he ended up date-raping me. Why would I say rape? I clearly told him I don't want to have intercourse and he promised me he will not go that far. However, he lied and before I knew he was forcing himself into me. (Sorry this is so graphic).

I refused to see him again afterwards and I became chronologically suicidal. I started going to counsellors behind the backs of my parents but I never told them the real reason for my suicidal tendencies (because they would have known I am Muslim and I didn't know how to put it... ).

After one year I am doing much better now, but I am scared... I am 21 now and in the future when I will want to get married or someone will propose to me, how do I let him know that I am not a virgin....?

I am ashamed, very ashamed. I had promised that I will not let a man close to me again (even if I am in love with him), and Alhamdulillah, I have lived upto that. I even distanced myself from males.... but I don't know what to tell my future husband...? I fear what if he wants to leave me?

Please don't be judgmental. I have made a huge mistake and I do regret it and repent about it and cry at nights every now and then..... I am sorry and I want to make it right. (sometimes i feel I don't have the full blame, because I clearly told him not to take it far cause I want to save it for marriage. But my fault was to let him get close in the first place and the guilt kills me... )

Any advices will be very appreciated. Jazakallahu Khairan...
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abuayisha View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 March 2014 at 8:18am
Once you have sincerely asked Allah to forgive you, and do not repeat what you have done, you're good to go. No need to feel guilty, because you have repented. No need to tell anyone. Admit nothing, and deny any accusation. Never tell your husband or anyone else. Consider yourself a pure virgin. It is a blessing that you are now doing much better, so don't allow a mistake made years ago spoil your future. All the best!
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Caringheart View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Caringheart Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 March 2014 at 1:47pm
Greetings Sarh,

I can never imagine advising lying.  What a burden to carry a secret for all your life.  This is not conducive to mental health.  Having to always live with the fear that in a vulnerable moment, or in any other way, the truth may come out... what then?  Do not carry the burden of lies.  They always have a way of coming out, and for as long as they do not, you must live with the fear that they may.  God would never want you to carry such a burden.  It is in Truth that we are set free, and we are only as sick as our secrets.  Keeping secrets indeed makes a person sick in all ways, mind, body, soul.

Will your husband forgive you for your lie if the truth comes out after a marriage?  What is this likely to do to the marriage... to trust between you?  Trust must be in the foundation of any marriage.  Better to give him the honest way... the choice to accept this thing that has happened, or to not.  You were vulnerable and some jerk of a guy took advantage of your innocence.  He knew exactly what he was doing, while you were simply too trusting.  Do not put blame on yourself.  It is also unlikely that your husband will be totally innocent and there may be things you will be excusing in his behavior, so why should he not be able to excuse you as well?  Honesty is the basis of respect and trust, and trust is the basis of marriage.

My heart goes out to you and I pray, and believe, that God will send a partner for you one day... one who will have empathy, and not condemnation, for how you were taken advantage of.

Salaam and blessings to you,
Caringheart
Let us seek Truth together
Blessed be God forever
"I believe in Jesus as I believe in the sun... not because I see it, but because by it, I see everything else.: - C.S.Lewis
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abuayisha View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 March 2014 at 7:40pm
From among the teachings of Allah's Messenger (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) is to keep sins a secret matter. If someone commits a sinful act which is against the Commandments of Allah, or is against the moral character, or is such an act that may cause harm to one's honor, then he should keep it a secret and seek forgiveness from Allah in the darkness of night. The Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) said: "My entire nation is safe, except al-Mujahirin (those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: "O Fulan! Last night I did this and that." He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!" [Saheeh al-Bukharee]
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Caringheart View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Caringheart Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 March 2014 at 8:56pm
Originally posted by abuayisha abuayisha wrote:

From among the teachings of Allah's Messenger (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) is to keep sins a secret matter. If someone commits a sinful act which is against the Commandments of Allah, or is against the moral character, or is such an act that may cause harm to one's honor, then he should keep it a secret and seek forgiveness from Allah in the darkness of night. The Messenger of Allah (salallahu alaihe wa-sallam) said: "My entire nation is safe, except al-Mujahirin (those who boast of their sins). Among the Mujaharah is that a man commits an (evil) act, and wakes up in the morning while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret, he says: "O Fulan! Last night I did this and that." He goes to sleep while Allah has kept his (sin) a secret but he wakes up in the morning and uncovers what Allah has kept a secret!" [Saheeh al-Bukharee]

Greetings abuayisha,

This is why I do not believe that you follow the same God that I follow.  This teaching of yours goes against what Yshwe(known as Jesus) taught.
I would ask the question... how well does keeping your secrets serve in freeing you from your sins?  Or doesn't keeping your secrets really only serve to keep you in bondage to those sins, having to keep them forever hidden?
There is a difference, I agree, between 'boasting of sins', and regretting, confessing, and repenting from sins.  But only in Truth, and in telling the truth, are we ever truly free from the bondage laid upon us by our past mistakes and sins.

asalaam and blessings,
CLynn





Edited by Caringheart - 13 March 2014 at 8:58pm
Let us seek Truth together
Blessed be God forever
"I believe in Jesus as I believe in the sun... not because I see it, but because by it, I see everything else.: - C.S.Lewis
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abuayisha View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 March 2014 at 8:52am
With all due respect Caringheart, this isn't the proper thread for theological debate.
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Sarh777 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sarh777 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 March 2014 at 6:19pm
Originally posted by abuayisha abuayisha wrote:

Once you have sincerely asked Allah to forgive you, and do not repeat what you have done, you're good to go. No need to feel guilty, because you have repented. No need to tell anyone. Admit nothing, and deny any accusation. Never tell your husband or anyone else. Consider yourself a pure virgin. It is a blessing that you are now doing much better, so don't allow a mistake made years ago spoil your future. All the best!


Assalaumu alaikum! JazakAllah Khair for your kind reply! I understand how my sins or past mistakes should be between me and Allah swt only... but my fear lies on the fact that if I don't tell my future husband beforehand that I am not a virgin, he will find out anyways. And this is what worries me and confuses me about my future actions....
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Sarh777 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sarh777 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 March 2014 at 6:22pm
Originally posted by Caringheart Caringheart wrote:

Greetings Sarh,I can never imagine advising lying. What a burden to carry a secret for all your life. This is not conducive to mental health. Having to always live with the fear that in a vulnerable moment, or in any other way, the truth may come out... what then? Do not carry the burden of lies. They always have a way of coming out, and for as long as they do not, you must live with the fear that they may. God would never want you to carry such a burden. It is in Truth that we are set free, and we are only as sick as our secrets. Keeping secrets indeed makes a person sick in all ways, mind, body, soul.Will your husband forgive you for your lie if the truth comes out after a marriage? What is this likely to do to the marriage... to trust between you? Trust must be in the foundation of any marriage. Better to give him the honest way... the choice to accept this thing that has happened, or to not. You were vulnerable and some jerk of a guy took advantage of your innocence. He knew exactly what he was doing, while you were simply too trusting. Do not put blame on yourself. It is also unlikely that your husband will be totally innocent and there may be things you will be excusing in his behavior, so why should he not be able to excuse you as well? Honesty is the basis of respect and trust, and trust is the basis of marriage.My heart goes out to you and I pray, and believe, that God will send a partner for you one day... one who will have empathy, and not condemnation, for how you were taken advantage of.Salaam and blessings to you,Caringheart



Thank you so much for your sympathetic and kind reply! I appreciate it with all my heart. I do understand what you're saying.... and to be honest, I would rather tell him the truth and start a new life, instead of feeling scared. What hurts me is the thought that he might not understand...and hold it against me... even though, going down that road was never my intention.
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