I am a second wife and I feel ashamed

Assalamu Aleikum, dear sisters.

I want to ask you for advice as I am confused and feel that I do bad things, but still the story drags on.

I am a newly converted Muslim and I hope to become really strong in my belief and behavior. Ethnically, I am very far from Islamic world and was brought up in a Christian-atheist environment, which is typical for Europe. However, later on I studied Islam at university and then took up a job in one of the Gulf countries. There I was blessed to get to know more Muslims and appreciate this beautiful and true religion even though it was not an easy way.

I used to work with one Muslim man who I regarded as a very religious, honest and decent person. He was married with kids so I never even thought about him as a potential husband. I was not Muslim at that time. However, after some time he approached me and offered to become his second wife. First of all, I was shocked, then we talked a lot, he described Islam, expressed his wish that I should become Muslim and I somehow started to give up. I believe the reason was my strong desire to have family and children and I knew that unlike most of men from my culture, he would not leave me one day and would want a lot of children. In the West, the notion of having lots of kids is usually frowned upon, but this has been my long-standing dream. So I finally agreed to marry him but insisted that his first wife should give her approval, which she did not. Thus, we stopped our communication and I started to forget this story feeling ashamed of the pain I inflicted on his wife. I even dated another man who was not Muslim but these relationships did not work out at all.

Nearly a year and a half afterwards we met again as I agreed to work for his new company. I would not have agreed had I suspected that we could ever bring up the old and seemingly forgotten question of marriage again. But this was in fact his aim while offering me a job. At the moment his wife and children live in their home country as his job implies frequent travelling and it is easier for his family to live with their relatives. After a month of our communication I agreed to become his second wife without the knowledge of the first one. I believe that the main trigger was my desire to embrace Islam and live a life of a devote Muslim woman. This is complicated to me without a Muslim husband as my friends, parents, everyone I know would put pressure on me and maybe potentially turn away. Moreover he is very knowledgeable about Islam and I hoped to learn a lot from him.

We�ve been married for a very short time now, but I feel that I did an awful mistake. First and foremost, being a secret second wife is shameful, I feel that I betray his first wife (who I even used to know and she was very kind to me) and kids. He is not a rich man and I feel that I do not have any right to ask him for anything and that he should dedicate himself to providing for his real family, not me. I need to work to provide for myself and I really do not feel like I have any rights at all. I haven�t told my parents about him and I can�t imagine how I can ever bring up this subject. Moreover, I believe that he does not care about me personally, that he chose me out of convenience and to accomplish my conversion to Islam. I feel that the physical part of relations is overwhelming in his attitude and this really repulses me. Shouldn�t there be spiritual connectedness and understanding? But he claims that all women are similar and the main feature in a wife is her strong belief and the following of Islamic precepts. As for my feelings, I do not love him, easily get irritated and at times do not care at all about him.

I feel that our relationships are unhealthy, at least in my perception, I feel ashamed of myself, but we work together, need to travel together, I can not just leave. Finding a new job can be very difficult for me. And I also think that maybe I need to be more patient and get distracted from my desires. Maybe obedience in my marriage will lead me closer to God and his pleasure.

Sorry for having written so much. But I really-really feel lost and would appreciate your opinion.