saudi husband

Asalamu Alaikum Sisters and Happy Ramadan!

I am new to the discussion boards but I really need some advice whereas I cannot discuss this with the sisters at home.  A little background...I'm american and I've been muslim for 5 years and married to my husband for four, he is from saudi arabia.  Our marriage has never been easy, mostly due to cultural differences...so we've been apart a lot for various reasons...I studied for a semester in another country, he worked in another city, he went to visit his family, I moved to another city to continue school...and now he has permanently moved back to saudi arabia (I am still in school, he just finished).  Despite all of this separation we remained close and faithful to one another and my love for him has grown and I have realized my immaturity and that I want to be with him and to have his children.  He has only been home (in saudi arabia) for a month but he is finding a lot of pressure there from his family who is still not happy about the marriage, I'm assuming.  He is also having trouble finding a job I take it.  I've always wavered back and forth on moving to saudi arabia...changing my mind too often.  I recently told him I wanted to move there and for him to make me a visa.  He asked me if I would "go next week" I didn't say anything and he said "see, I told you, you would never go".  I just said that would be impossible and besides the visa takes longer than 1 week.  He preceded to get extremely angry and basically said he didn't want me anymore and that he wanted a divorce, he said that I never wanted his children...I said what if i was pregnant now, he said it would be from another man because "I left you with your period"!  This HURT...now we've gotten in a lot of arguments but he has rarely raised his voice and he has taken A LOT from me...he has NEVER mentioned divorce.  I stopped calling him and I was preparing to divorce in the american courts when he called and said "are you mad at me" and "you are awfully quiet".  We ended up making up and he sort of apologized and said he had just been having a really hard time.  He kept beating around the bush about the visa until finally he said he would do it eventhough he asks me everyday why I want him and how I would have a much better life without him.  He has always highly discouraged me from going to saudi arabia, he says because he couldn't see me living there and that I would not be happy...he told my family this as well before he left.  About a week ago he found out that I had broke into his email.  Now if my husband is angry he never approaches the subject directly, he will just sort of indirectly make me know that he knows what I did but he won't get too mad.  I admitted it and said that after he told me he wanted a divorce I was absolutely devestated and was totally blindsided and I was looking for answers.  Needless to say, in his emails I found emails from a guy that he went to school with joking around about a girl and did he miss her??  Istafirallah I shouldn't be mentioning all of this but again I want to describe everything leading up to the current problem.  I confronted my husband about this and he said that sometimes a lot of guys would come over to his house and they would sometimes bring girls and he couldn't kick them out.  He said he was so sorry for disrespecting me and swore to Allah that he had never been with anyone accept me before or after our marriage.  Then he tried to tell me that girl was someone's wife but I don't believe that.  Why would a man joke about someone elses wife?  I ended up calling this guy actually so now I'm afraid too that he told my husband.  I gave my husband the password to my email (b/c he always seemed suspicious of me too)...he said "you'll probably just erass everything"...I didn't, so there were some emails in there if he read them I don't know from friends giving advice when I thought he was divorcing me and a male friend (istafirallah) who is also muslim and who my husband knows as well and was my friends fiancee sending me pictures of his brothers wedding.  Okay...so after that we were doing okay again and the last time he called he was wanting me to help him change his password and I could tell he was a little angry and I again apologized for snooping.  He didn't call me after that for 5 days.  I called him and he sounded like a different person, he was cold and basically said "what do you want"  He said he was busy and to call after 2 hours.  I called him back immediately over and over (i know that was a mistake) I was also sick that day...he wouldn't answer.  Finally he answered and said "don't call, I'm busy"  "If your sick fine, go to the doctor".  I called after 2 hours and he again said that he was busy and to call back the next day.  He also said he was going to sleep but he never sleeps at 9pm!!  I called the next day and he didn't answer all day until finally he answered when it was about 4am there in saudi (the time he usually calls me).  He said he didn't want to talk to me.  I asked if he was mad, he didn't really say.  He said he has been sick for 8 days with a headache and his throat hurts (he's been complaining of a headache since he got there).  Again, he said he was sleeping and that he had to go and didn't want to talk to me...I asked if it was just me or everyone...he paused and said everyone.  I asked if he had gone to the doctor and gotten medicine...he just kept answering yes, yes...this man doesn't ever go to the doctor.  I told him I loved him and hoped he feels better and I said I won't call anymore and that he can call me when he feels better.

Before these big fights he called almost everyday...one day we had a discussion about love and he said he didn't know what love is and that he didn't know if he was in love with me and that he had never felt love from a woman.  He said he thought love was like in books and this was not like our marriage. (my husband never opens up like this but it kinda hurt to know that he may not even love me).  But by the end of the conversation he said he loved me without me even asking (because before I said it is okay if you don't love me b/c I can't force you to).

Okay...so sorry for the long post if you've read this far...you probably think I'm really pathetic and immature...but I'm just looking for answers.  Is he wanting to divorce me?  Is this what the silence means, not talking to me and all?  Is he just figuring everything out?  Is he really mad?  Is he punishing me?  He has never ever gone this long without calling me.  I'm in america in a city were i don't really know anyone.  I just feel abandoned.  What can I do?  What do you think he is thinking?  Please help.

Salam,

Rachel 

Assalamualaikum sister

This is really sad. But it seems like your husband has made up his mind and this realationship is finished. It seems like you have a really nice personality and a trusting character. Your husband said "guys bought girls to his place and he couldn't kick them out"???? and you trust that. I personally would say Why not? But masha allah it seems like you are a trusting person and one with a lot of patience and that is a virtue. Your wasted on this brother if you ask me! may allah guide him and may allah ease this time for you. Everything happens with the will of allah. If this man is meant to leave your life than he will and no power or might on this earth can stop that. Except for allah (swt) and all I can advise is to make sincere dua. And if after your dua he still leaves you...then accept it and take it as Allah's decision. Allah swt is closer to you than you jaggular vein and he knows what is best for you. remember that waking up for tahajjud prayers and making dhikr and making dua at the interval of the adhaan and the iqamah all these are times when your duas are likely to get accepted. Remember what ever happens is for the best. Say alhumdulillah and carry on with your life. as long as you have allah you have everything.

Asalamu Alaikum Everyone,

I just wanted to give a little update.  I called my husband to check on him and he finally said that he wants to come back and that he does not like it there.  He told his brother and his brother told him mom and she made him swear that he would not leave.  He is just having a really hard time adjusting and this was the main problem.  He's also just really afraid that because he doesn't like it I won't either.  Please help give me some ways I can reassure him that I'm supportive no matter what he decides to do and that I want him and only him because he still seems to wonder why I even bother.