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heartbroken over a person. Need insight

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Chrysalis View Drop Down
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    Posted: 04 March 2013 at 11:12pm
Originally posted by Heartbroken Heartbroken wrote:

 
i know its done, i'm just finding it very hard to move on. there is so much marriage pressure on me., parents tell me i need to find a guy in a marriage bureau or newspaper ad just the thought alone scares me.


Try this:

www.halfourdeen.com

I know people who  have tried this. All the members on this are serious and no-nonsense. I think you should give it a try...
 
Quote its been 2 months and i have not improved, cant focus at home, work anywhere, still crying, i hate hearing the words marriage, wedding spouses husband wife drives me crazy!! if you guys have tips, please share. :(


2 months is nothing compared to how long you knew him. It will take time, maybe lots of it. Meanwhile, the best thing to hurry up your mourning process would be to find constructive, fun and productive things to do. Socialise with your friends, and focus on future relationships. Maybe going on the site above and looking at prospectives might help! Look ahead now and give it time.


"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Heartbroken Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 February 2013 at 6:48pm
No he's not a US citizen, but a canadian citizen like myself, the rest of his family has a US citizenship. and he wanted to marry a US citizen because it is easier for him to move there apparently as she can sponsor him. We're both Indians  and from the same city there, both currently living in Canada as Canadian citizens. so in our case, we are both from the same culture and our parents are family friends and very open minded allowing us to choose our partners. but in his case he just had a player mentality, selfishness and lack of empathy over someone he was talking to for so long. he chose to go with the other girl as he started talking to both of us just recently without either of us finding out, he knew he would marry her but continued to keep me in the dark because he did not want me to leave him before he confirms things with her.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nospam001 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 February 2013 at 10:48pm
Originally posted by nospam001 nospam001 wrote:

I'm just guessing of course, but is he a US citizen? Are his parents originally from another country, and is that the same country where he met his fiancee? Are there many people in that country who are eager to migrate to the US? What repercussions would there be supposing he 'married into' a family which (a) is not from his parents' home country and/or (b) has already established a foot-hold in terms of US residency?

Originally posted by Heartbroken Heartbroken wrote:

he was talking to a lot of proposal girls and i should not be shocked. yes, we both used to discuss proposals we used to get from people, who doesnt at our age...there is so much marriage pressure on me., parents tell me i need to find a guy in a marriage bureau or newspaper ad
Hi Heartbroken. Were any of my guesses even partly correct?  Or if you prefer: how do you personally feel about the cultural traditions and expectations you have inherited?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Caringheart Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 February 2013 at 10:22pm
Greetings Heartbroken,

I am not downplaying your strength of emotion, you are grieving, a natural process.  "This too will pass", to cite a famous quote.

You say;
"its been 2 months and i have not improved, cant focus at home, work anywhere, still crying, i hate hearing the words marriage, wedding spouses husband wife drives me crazy!! if you guys have tips, please share. :("

and to this, I tell you... you are not putting God and His will at the center of your life.  He is the answer.  You must make Him your focus and trust Him for the rest.  I wish you peace,
Caringheart

It is hard being young. Heart


Edited by Caringheart - 21 February 2013 at 10:24pm
Let us seek Truth together
Blessed be God forever
"I believe in Jesus as I believe in the sun... not because I see it, but because by it, I see everything else.: - C.S.Lewis
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Heartbroken Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 February 2013 at 3:51pm
I really would like to thank you all for your responses. i have actually read all your responses a few times each as i was feeling so lost! i am still having a very hard time dealing with this. i agree and realized now that he never took me seriously. when i asked him recently about the sudden nature of his wedding, he made me look so st**id saying, that  i knew all along he was looking for girls and that i wasnt the only girl he knew for the last year, that this girl and him became serious much later on it wasnt going on from before. i got so hurt the way he made it seem like our talking for one year was really nothing because we only met in person a few times. i took the blame and did not continue the discussion further and left the conversation on good terms. although i wanted to ask why he was constantly talking to me for one year, flirting, talking to me all night, telling me i'm so beautiful and just made it seem he was so interested in me, who does that? as a girl obviously over time i started getting used to him and was waiting for him to just commit when he felt ready, not abruptly tell me he's engaged. now he labels it as we were having fun as friends and that he never thought i would like him. 
 
i basically feel used now, he left me when it was convenient for him, hid all the details about his engagement and now turns the situation around on me making me feel like the dumb one that i was fully aware of his situation, that he was talking to a lot of proposal girls and i should not be shocked. yes, we both used to discuss proposals we used to get from people, who doesnt at our age. personally if i started to take another guy seriously, a. i would have the courtesy to either tell him and b. i would not continue talking to him constantly as its not fair to either. i wanted to argue this with him so badly to get it all out but felt too hurt as he just downplayed the whole situation since i was not in a official relationship or anything with him and also made it seem that our friendship was nothing big as he was unaware i liked him and he wants me to stay his good friend. asked me to come to his wedding.
 
i know its done, i'm just finding it very hard to move on. there is so much marriage pressure on me., parents tell me i need to find a guy in a marriage bureau or newspaper ad just the thought alone scares me. i feel so betrayed now and every day wake up thinking i should have dealt with this situation better or atleast be strong enough to fight back the way he did all this not be nice about it and accept full blame, that i wasnt smart enough to ask where it was going all this time. i feel low and silly as a person. it also hurts me alot that he is going to be married to someone else, cant stop picturing it. i wake up at 4-5 am and only getting a few hours of sleep everynight. praying 5 times a day, reading quran but as bad as it sounds nothing seems to be helping. i cant stop obsessing over this situation, i feel like i lost someone i was so attached to and saw my whole life with, i want someone like him again in my life, i also feel like i still have to make him aware he hurt me and our he did use me but he got off so easy. some days im depressed, some days angry, some days confused. but i wont and cant talk about this with him anymore, its too late to ask.
 
its been 2 months and i have not improved, cant focus at home, work anywhere, still crying, i hate hearing the words marriage, wedding spouses husband wife drives me crazy!! if you guys have tips, please share. :(
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote seeja Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 February 2013 at 9:00pm

It happens in most of the relationships where there is no religious bond. Man and woman ( who are not �mahrams�) are not allowed to contact, even through phone or any other media. If we are having something to tell we should tell it before the relationship grows to a stage which is not correct as per Islam.

Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Chrysalis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12 February 2013 at 3:43am
Originally posted by Heartbroken Heartbroken wrote:

. I have been crying every day since then, first regretting maybe i should have told him he really didn't know? i wasnt proactive enough or secondly he just stringed me along while he was seriously considering someone else? .



There is no way he didn't know you liked him, and NO it was NOT YOUR JOB to let him know you wanted to marry him. If he was a man, he would have asked you to marry him. He would have at-least tried... or given you a heads up. If he was raised in the US, even more so, because parents are a lot more flexible and lenient about the son picking a girl and saying he wants to marry so & so.

He was definitely just having fun, and trust me, he probably was not as serious as you. Women tend to get more serious and emotionally involved then men. They also tend to get hurt more and are more sensitive, whereas MOST men find it very easy to forget and move on.

I used to have a muslim colleague at university who had 2 girlfriends at the same time. One a muslim, the other a nonmuslim. He was in a relationship with the nonmuslim girl for 7 YEARS! Yet he had another GF from the same ethnicty as him.  It was amazing how he managed to have two GFs at the same time, both hopelessly in love with him. Both thought he was going to marry them... they had NO IDEA. He was the ''perfect boyfriend''. He was also a perfectly nice polite guy! yet...

So yeah... if a man can cheat on a GF of seven years... and the girl does not have a clue... what does that tell you about men? Both my father and husband say (jokingly) when it comes to flattery and praise, women become blind and can be easily fooled.

Wounds heal over time, provided you don't scrape at them. Cut off all contact with him. Only then will you heal. (find an excuse such as you lost all the contacts on your phone, to protect your dignity). Insh'Allah this was a good lesson to learn... because as Muslims we believe everything happens for a reason. It was also probably good riddance. You would never have the strength to break-off with him, so Allah found a way. (I mean, he used to drink!!!) Focus on your future now, and build healthy, halal relationships inshA'llah.








"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nospam001 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 February 2013 at 9:27pm
Dear Heatbroken

I'm just guessing of course, but is he a US citizen? Are his parents originally from another country, and is that the same country where he met his fiancee? Are there many people in that country who are eager to migrate to the US? What repercussions would there be supposing he 'married into' a family which (a) is not from his parents' home country and/or (b) has already established a foot-hold in terms of US residency?

It's also possible that he thinks very highly of you - so highly that he cannot risk losing you, ever, for any reason. You'd be surprised how easily some guys can mis-interpret actual 'signals' as 'just my own over-active imagination' when there's such a lot at stake.

Sorry, it's not particularly comforting for you...
Maybe a hug would help.
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