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How to Speak to women in marriage

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Israfil View Drop Down
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    Posted: 02 October 2005 at 10:34pm

When the prophet received revelation he understood with the given wisdom that his society was not toally observant to the rights of women. Over 1400 years later and counting the situation though slightly changed is no different. I've found tha there is a type of sub-culture among the male sex which seems to be of a "macho" attitude. Of course let me say that not all men are in this category as there are some righteous brothers here and abroad. But let me say not for the most part, there are some brothers who lack the attribute of a good husband: Communication.

Communication is key because its important to address important issues that effect not just the husband but the wife. It's important to talk to the wife about issues regarding the self as well as the surrounding family and its highly important to transmitt those feelings with respect. Communication on any level is the most essential attribute of any relationship because this is how humans respond to each other. Let me not give tips to any brothers here who are married a they would have their own methods of communicating but here are some of the things I would do.

When dealing with personal issues that you might think would effect the relationship:

-Gather thoughts about the issue and contemplate whether the issue would effect the relationship. If the issue is serious but you cannot communicate it to your wife (or don't know how) make Du'aa. If you need additional help seek a marriage councelor (preferably Muslim).

-If you can gather your thoughts but the issue is more serious discuss with your wife. But prior to doing so gather your thoughts and make sure you are able to in calm manner relate any concerns you would have to her. The best way to get any message across if the thoughts are clear and organized. That is why its best to think before you say anything. I would suggest even before you would gather your thoughts I'd pray to Allah and ask for guidence.

If you find yourself in a argument:

-If your wife is upset over whatever was said always respond in a calm manner but make sure what you say is comprehensible and loud enough for her to hear but don't yell nor try to speak over her. Usually when people are upset and emotional thoughts are constantly bouncing around in the mind all waiting to be spoken.

-Be understanding and empathetic if the wife is upset and always LISTEN.

-Make sure what you say has gotten across do not allow anyone to dominate a situation because it can cause misunderstanding, but make sure how you would take control in this case is appropriate again do not speak over nor yell as this does not help the situation.

-This sounds childish but hand signals are good. When we normally speak humans tend to gesture with hand signals to also help transmitt their thoughts in action along with vocal. Whatever your thoughts are make sure you can also generate sometype of example with your hands because it also helps with conveying words. But if your not that your not that type of guy and feel uncomfortable then don't do it but make sure whatever you're trying to convey is clear and understandable.

If you are unable to resolve your issue verbally:

-Suggest to the wife that she should pray to Allah for guidence in the matter at hand and that she (as well as yourself) should seek his mercy and forgiveness.

-Consult an Islamic marriage councelor, but depending on location if there are non-available and the issue is not religiously related seek a proffessional councelor who is willing and able to help resolve the issue.

It's important to know that when dealing with matters always consult with God first and suggest that your life partner consult with God. This is most important because it not only helps us to express ourselves with our Creator but it is also an intimate and quiet moment where we can find some peace with ourselves. We cannot consult any other person before God so this is important. Secondly how we convey ourselves to our wives is important. We need to be communicators. We need to practice the ability to verbally communicate properly and effective. It's important because 99% of martial relationship divorce especailly in the states is due to miscommunication.

I also left out this: Always be honest! I find that some of my married friends always "beat around the bush" be honest. If there is wrongdoing be honest about it because surely a Muslim who is aware of divine retribution knows that God will bring it up on judgement day! Be honest with your wife and be honest with yourself. Trust in God and trust that you'll get through whatever ordeals you have. Listen to your wives. Even if she is yelling at you listen and be empathetic and when she is done clearly explain to her that you'd wish to speak but do so in a calm manner. Yelling and talking over each other does not solve anything but cycles the problem of miscommunication. I hope this helps the bros!

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abuayisha View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 October 2005 at 10:05am
Originally posted by Israfil Israfil wrote:

If you find yourself in a argument:

-If your wife is upset over whatever was said always respond in a calm manner but make sure what you say is comprehensible and loud enough for her to hear but don't yell nor try to speak over her. Usually when people are upset and emotional thoughts are constantly bouncing around in the mind all waiting to be spoken.

If you are unable to resolve your issue verbally:

Very nice, but replace each "if" with "When".

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Israfil View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Israfil Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 October 2005 at 9:35pm
Hahaha nice
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herjihad View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote herjihad Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 October 2005 at 5:35am

Bismillah,

Thank you brother Israfil.  This is a lovely piece.

Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.
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Jenni View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jenni Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 November 2005 at 7:46pm
Brother Israfil, very good post. I think that alot of brothers are seriously lacking in this issue. One thing I have noticed that alot of sisters complain about is that there husbands complain too much and appreciate too little. They also are not hands on enough with the kids. I beleive we women are angry alot for these issues. If your wife makes dinner and the food is good you should say wow that was good and if it turns out bad you shouldn't say anything and try to eat it. Thats a good husband.. Peace
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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herjihad View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote herjihad Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 November 2005 at 11:34pm

Bismillah,

I agree, of course Jenni!  Some of us need so little.  How about a real greeting when you say Salaamu Alaykum instead of a mumble or a grunt?

Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.
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candor View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote candor Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 November 2005 at 3:43am

Quote Be understanding and empathetic if the wife is upset and always LISTEN.

Wives should also understand husband's task of "listening" becomes much easier if they explicily say what they want. Besides, the favours which they receive from their husbands are supposed to be reciprocated by serving them. And asking one's husband to do what is not his share of work is not the best way to reciprocate his favours.



Edited by candor
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