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Marital woes - In a dilemma

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Al-Raheem View Drop Down
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    Posted: 14 September 2012 at 10:28am
Assalamualaikum,

I seek advice from my Muslim brothers in this forum for a dilemma I am in right now. I am married, have gone through a simple solemnization at a mosque and held a simple walimah for family members and relatives as well as those present. That was in Dec 2011. Initially both me and my wife was pressured by our parents to hold a grand reception on Dec 2012. However, after discussing with my wife, we decided not to hold the wedding reception. My wife's family agreed to our decision however my parents do not agree and wants to hold the reception as planned.

My wife and my mother in law told me if my mother were to go ahead with the wedding reception, they will not be attending. I tried talking to my parents but to no avail. Subhanallah.

What should I do? I am trying to be a good husband as well as a filial son for both my mother and my mother in law. The reason for me not wanting to hold a wedding reception is because I find it wasteful. I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?

Wedding of Fatimah (RA) youngest daughter of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) - http://www.islamicsites.com/fatima_wedding.asp

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nothing View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nothing Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 September 2012 at 9:35pm
Originally posted by Al-Raheem Al-Raheem wrote:

I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?

I can't agree more with you. To me it is just weird to have wedding party one year later, its a waste. Try to ask them what is the gain by having late lavish ceremony? I suspect its probably involved an "honor" or a "good name", or kind of it.

Hopefully you get the best outcome.

Salaam.



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abuayisha View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 September 2012 at 9:46pm

Wasteful or not, you and your wife agreed to a grand reception, and better for you to keep your word.  I assume your parents have many friends and family who were unable to attend the simple walimah, and likely they've been promised an invitation to the grand reception.  Is your wife's family expected to share the expense for the event?  Perhaps if you take an active role in planning you may be able to cut costs, and save your parents a few thousand dollars.  Let them have their enjoyment, after all you promised.  They are the last people on earth you want to disappoint in my opinion.  By the way, how much time elapsed prior to changing your mind?



Edited by abuayisha - 14 September 2012 at 10:03pm
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Al-Raheem View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Al-Raheem Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 September 2012 at 11:45pm
Originally posted by nothing nothing wrote:


Originally posted by Al-Raheem Al-Raheem wrote:

I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?
I can't agree more with you. To me it is just weird to have wedding party one year later, its a waste. Try to ask them what is the gain by having late lavish ceremony? I suspect its probably involved an "honor" or a "good name", or kind of it. Hopefully you get the best outcome.Salaam.


Yeah well as they put it to let people know we are married, those who did not attend or was not present at the walimah.
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Al-Raheem View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Al-Raheem Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 September 2012 at 11:51pm
Originally posted by abuayisha abuayisha wrote:

Wasteful or not, you and your wife agreed to a grand reception, and better for you to keep your word.  I assume your parents have many friends and family who were unable to attend the simple walimah, and likely they've been promised an invitation to the grand reception.  Is your wife's family expected to share the expense for the event?  Perhaps if you take an active role in planning you may be able to cut costs, and save your parents a few thousand dollars.  Let them have their enjoyment, after all you promised.  They are the last people on earth you want to disappoint in my opinion.  By the way, how much time elapsed prior to changing your mind?



Well actually S$20000 is already me cutting the costs. My wife's family do not need o fork out a single cent. It's just that from our engagement to our nikah and now to our reception my mother wants to take control of everything and that's what my wife do not agree. And my wife don't want to have the reception as it will cause conflict between MY father and mother. As my father will provide the money and my mother wants to make the whole reception as grand as possible. That's where the conflict starts.
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Al-Raheem View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Al-Raheem Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 September 2012 at 12:25am
Just FYI,my brother (the eldest, I'm the 2nd child) got married in 2010. My father foot the bill for our side of the wedding.It costs way more than what they are planning for me right now. From the moment they planned my brother's wedding till today my brother has a son, they have been quarreling and arguing about money. Subhanallah. This is the real reason why both me and my wife do not want to hold the reception.
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hakeema View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote hakeema Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 October 2012 at 4:35am
Originally posted by Al-Raheem Al-Raheem wrote:

Assalamualaikum,

I seek advice from my Muslim brothers in this forum for a dilemma I am in right now. I am married, have gone through a simple solemnization at a mosque and held a simple walimah for family members and relatives as well as those present. That was in Dec 2011. Initially both me and my wife was pressured by our parents to hold a grand reception on Dec 2012. However, after discussing with my wife, we decided not to hold the wedding reception. My wife's family agreed to our decision however my parents do not agree and wants to hold the reception as planned.

My wife and my mother in law told me if my mother were to go ahead with the wedding reception, they will not be attending. I tried talking to my parents but to no avail. Subhanallah.

What should I do? I am trying to be a good husband as well as a filial son for both my mother and my mother in law. The reason for me not wanting to hold a wedding reception is because I find it wasteful. I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?

Wedding of Fatimah (RA) youngest daughter of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) - http://www.islamicsites.com/fatima_wedding.asp




As-Salaam Alaikum,

I am sorry for my late response.

This is a good example of why you shouldn't allow no one including your PARENTS to run your life. Learn how to say NO when you really don't want to do things. You should've told them NO. I suspect in your heart you really didn't want them to do it. But, noooooo you wanted to make them happy. Now you are stuck with this silly situtation that didn't have to happen if you just would've said the term NO. You practice now, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. You should've told your parents to save that $20,000 for the grandchildren they gonna spoil.

Hakeema

Edited by hakeema - 19 October 2012 at 2:20pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Caringheart Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 October 2012 at 2:53pm
I'm not a brother... I'm not even Muslim... but I hope my answer will still be welcome.

I think Abuayisha makes sense here.
And if having the grand reception causes quarreling between your parents... it is between them... their problem to solve, not yours.  I understand your concern.  I am the same way, trying to look out for others, but if your parents(or mother anyway) want to do this, just let them do it.  It is for your father to resolve with your mother if he disagrees.  I'm assuming... Singapore... given the culture this is probably difficult?  I wonder too if part of the objection of your wife doesn't have somewhat to do with a control issue?  You know... wife and mother-in-law?  Do they get along well?
Wishing you the best.  I say, just go with it and enjoy the celebration.  Hey it's a first anniversary after all... that's something to celebrate.  Smile
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