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How to deal with difficult parent?

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bilal2012 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 19 June 2012 at 12:30pm
Salemaleikum,

what is the islamic way for a daughter to behave if the mother is constantly saying negative things when spoken to.
the daughter has tried to help out in the house and be respectful but the pressure from the mother has grown so much that the daughter is becoming depressive and unhappy as there seems to be no way to please the mother. the mother also calls the daughter names or yells at her until she is crying. the mother has also attacked the daughter physically.
the mother has now asked the daughter to not come to her house anymore. (they do not live together anymore) the mother has also denied the child any financial support although she has a good financial situation and the daughter was still a student.

the mother says she is entitled to this behaviour because the child is her property. is that true?

what is the correct way of handling this situation? of course it is essential for the children to please the parents. what if the parents behaviour is not islamic at all? how can this be handled?
has the mother the right to make her hate so obvious because the daughter is according to her "not religious and well behaved" enough.. is this a reason to not speak to the parents or keep a certain distance?

thank you.

Edited by bilal2012 - 19 June 2012 at 12:31pm
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seekshidayath View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote seekshidayath Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 June 2012 at 7:20am
As Salamu alaikum

Waiting for responses from our members,It's really a very tough situation. I regard dealing with difficult parents is one of the toughest trial.
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 June 2012 at 8:49am
I must say this post is completely one-sided, but doing my best to read between the lines I ask, is it so difficult for a daughter to help around the house, behave, be respectful and act in an Islamic way?  These are the things which will please her mother.  These are the things which will make her welcome at home.  These are the things that will make her mom happy to support her financially.  If a mother says her daughter is not religious or well behaved are we to believe her mother is a complete liar?  Seems to me most parents what to boast of their children's accomplishments, therefore when I hear a parent speaking negatively about their own child I tend to believe them.  Again, how is it that her daughter is respectful, religious, well behaved, active in helping around the house, yet still she is beaten, degraded, denied financial support and put out onto the street?  Hard to imagine and difficult to fathom.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote seekshidayath Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 June 2012 at 6:27am

Brother, not with this case, but very often these days i get to see parents { either a father or a mother} getting very strict with children. I understand they intend for the betterment of their child, yet nagging, taunting, speaking ill of them before their friends or relatives ---- what would you advise the child ? It's tough for him when he is adolescent, tougher when he is married. WHAT do you say brother ?

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 June 2012 at 11:12am

Yeah, understood; my frame of reference is growing up in America with near total freedom as a teenager, and even more as a male.  What to do when culture overrides proper Islamic interaction between parent and child? Umar Ibn Khattab said about parenting: 'Play with them for the first seven years, educate them for another seven years, and finally befriend them for another seven years.'  Indeed it is the last 7 years (teenage) when many problems of respect and mutual trust becomes an issue.  If you have parents who, as you say, are very strict, nagging, taunting and speaking ill, I advise kids to remain patient and loving until Allah makes a way for them.  Whoever fears Allah and is patient, then Allah will make a way out of every difficulty.  Sadly, the concept of "tougher when he is married" is completely bizarre for an American like myself.  I must defer to those of you reared in such cultures for their input and advice.  The link below is helpful for parents....

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nausheen Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 June 2012 at 11:59pm
Originally posted by bilal2012 bilal2012 wrote:

Salemaleikum,

what is the islamic way for a daughter to behave if the mother is constantly saying negative things when spoken to.
 
The islamic way is to be respectful to both parents never-the-less.

Originally posted by bilal2012 bilal2012 wrote:

the daughter has tried to help out in the house and be respectful but the pressure from the mother has grown so much that the daughter is becoming depressive and unhappy as there seems to be no way to please the mother. the mother also calls the daughter names or yells at her until she is crying. the mother has also attacked the daughter physically.
 
I will ask here how old is the daughter. It is advised for parents to let the child play till 7, then be strict with them till they are 14, then befriend them till 21, then let them be on their own.
 
Taking this advice, if the mother is reprimanding a child between 7 and 14, she is doing for her better. However if the daughter is between 14 and 21, the better way of correcting her would be with friendly counselling ( Im still sometimes strict with my daughter who has just turned 14 - so I remind myself as well as I type). hitting is not good.  
If a teenaged child thinks the parent is being abusive rather than corrective, its better to avoid the situation by silence, leaving the room for a while etc, till the situation calms down. Then approach the parent in a respectful manner. If this does not work, am afraid the child still needs to be respective however must try to not get traped into such depressive encounters.
 
Originally posted by bilal2012 bilal2012 wrote:

  the mother has now asked the daughter to not come to her house anymore. (they do not live together anymore) the mother has also denied the child any financial support although she has a good financial situation and the daughter was still a student.

the mother says she is entitled to this behaviour because the child is her property. is that true?
 
No this is not true. A child is not a property of the parents. Children are a trust of Allah according to authentic hadith.
If at all they were parent's property, one does not throw away their property - they guard it from outside world in all respects, and take good care of it.
 

Originally posted by bilal2012 bilal2012 wrote:

what is the correct way of handling this situation? of course it is essential for the children to please the parents. what if the parents behaviour is not islamic at all? how can this be handled?
 
No, its not essential to 'please' the parents no matter what. The Quran says do not say Uf to them, which means do not show your annoyance at them - treat them with kindness and repect them.  - The concept which many parents instill in childrenn (to their own advantage) that the child must be obedient, and all that stuff to dominate and rule their lives is a crooked one at best.
 
Originally posted by bilal2012 bilal2012 wrote:

  has the mother the right to make her hate so obvious because the daughter is according to her "not religious and well behaved" enough.. is this a reason to not speak to the parents or keep a certain distance?

thank you.
 
You mother has too many rights over you. Thru her feet is your jannah. Its her duty to treat you well, however if she is not doing her duty - this does not warrent you a right to ignore your duty towards her.
 
You are still obliged to be kind and loving to her, treat her well and be respectful towards her - as have said earlier.
To protect your emotional well being. you may distance her emotionally, but not in behavior towards her. Talk to her, but do not take her discouraging remarks to heart.
 
Teen years are most difficult to pass thru. These are also difficult times for parents to handle their kids. If this is the case, then be patient, as the time passes by, things will get better.
 


Edited by Nausheen - 28 June 2012 at 12:04am
<font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa

Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena

wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nausheen Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 June 2012 at 12:31am
Originally posted by abuayisha abuayisha wrote:

I must say this post is completely one-sided, but doing my best to read between the lines I ask, is it so difficult for a daughter to help around the house, behave, be respectful and act in an Islamic way?  These are the things which will please her mother.  These are the things which will make her welcome at home.  These are the things that will make her mom happy to support her financially.  If a mother says her daughter is not religious or well behaved are we to believe her mother is a complete liar?  Seems to me most parents what to boast of their children's accomplishments, therefore when I hear a parent speaking negatively about their own child I tend to believe them.  Again, how is it that her daughter is respectful, religious, well behaved, active in helping around the house, yet still she is beaten, degraded, denied financial support and put out onto the street?  Hard to imagine and difficult to fathom.
 
 
Dear Brother AbuAisha, I hate to undermine your statement. I know you have best interests at heart, and your opinion should also be  true in certain cases.
Myself also in troubled waters since my daughter is growing into her teenage years - am not sure if am a strict mother or she a beligerent child.
 
If a daughter is saying she is trying to help around the house and be respectful but its still not enough to please the mother, should we regard this statement as a lie?
 
Should not a parent be islamic first to lead by example? I ask myslef how Islamic I am when I talk ill about my daughter to my friends or relatives - Im involved in gheebah to say the least.  A muslim's integrity should be safe at hands of another muslim. I should not backbite about my daughter in the disguise of a compalining/chaste/concerned/islamic mother.  - would you disagree?
 
Perhaps we shld not tend to believe parents' negetive opinions without hearing the side of the child, because islamically we are supposed to hear both sides before passing judgements :)
 
Rasul Allah (sallallahualaihe wassalam) said the most profound and lasting influence one can make on a child is during the first 6 years. What are we as parents doing when our children are passing through these years?
 
Within the first 6 years I taught my daugher to recite the Quran, pray the salah and choose only  halal food . I thaught her all the essentials of faith, islamic behavior in public and private. Alahmdulillah I have no problem with any of this now. I did not teach her to choose strict islamic clothing then, thinking she is too young - I will start when she is 9.  To my regret from the deepest corner of heart, it was too late! She does not wear a hijab, and I feel responsible for it. Now you might say she is an awful child for not covering her hair if I was to complain, but I think there was some mistake/miscalculation in her rearing to be very honest.
 
We are living in difficult times, but we must not forget our children are a trust from Allah, so we cannot treat them casually in any aspect (reminding myself before anyone else)
 
Closing with a request of dua to make her heart turn to Allah in matters where  I have fallen short in instructing her correctly.
 
 


Edited by Nausheen - 28 June 2012 at 12:34am
<font color=purple>Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa

Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena

wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 June 2012 at 8:18am
Ameen, ameen! Always, and I mean always nice to have your wise input.  Generally speaking, in my opinion, it defies credulity that a mother would put her daughter out of the home and label her behavior un-Islamic without cause. Teenagers often think they know everything and simply don't want any limits set on their life. Why? Because they know it all.   I have several teenagers and indeed it is a delicate balance to live in harmony with them. I often overlook many of their faults in the interest of winning the war and not each and every battle.  I guess as a parent I have a bias for mother.  Are there parents who malign their kids without just cause?  Sure, but the exception and not the rule.

Edited by abuayisha - 28 June 2012 at 8:19am
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