Questions to ask possible spouse

Assalamu alaikum,

I "hijacked" this from Madinat al-Muslimeen - it is really good (and parts are quite funny).  Perhaps it could be helpful to someone:

                                          ************************

Questions to ask a prospective husband
Madinat Al-Muslimeen's Version:
100 Premarital Questions  
 
1) What is your concept of marriage?  
2) Have you been married before?  
3) Are you married now?  
4) What are you expectations of marriage?  
5) What are your goals in life? (long and short term)  
6) Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.  
7) Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.  
8) Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?  
9) What is the role of religion in your life now?  
10) Are you a spiritual person?  
11) What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?  
12) What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?  
13) What is your relationship between yourself and the Muslims community in your area?  
14) Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?  
15) What can you offer your zawj (spouse), spiritually?  
16) What is the role of the husband?  
17) What is the role of the wife?  
18) Do you want to practice polygamy?  
19) What is your relationship with your family?  
20) What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?  
21) What do you expect your spouses relationship with your family to be?  
22) Is there anyone in your family living with you now?  
23) Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?  
24) If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?  
25) Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)  
26) How did you get to know them?  
27) Why are they your friends?  
28) What do you like most about them?  
29) What will your relationship with them after marriage be?  
30) Do you have friends of the opposite sex?  
31) What is the level of your relationship with them now?  
32) What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?  
33) What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?  
34) What are the things that you do in your free time?  
35) Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?  
36) What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?  
37) What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with
friends or family)  
38) Do you travel?  
39) How do you spend your vacations?  
40) How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?  
41) Do you read?  
42) What do you read?  
43) After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?  
44) After marriage, do you think that you want to express affection in public?  
45) How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?  
46) How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?  
47) Do you like to write your feelings?  
48) If you wrong someone, how do you apologize?  
49) If someone has wronged you, how do you want (s)he to apologize to you?  
50) How much time passes before you can forgive someone?  
51) How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?  
52) Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?  
53) Do your friends use foul language?  
54) Does your family use foul language?  
55) How do you express anger?  
56) How do you expect your spouse to express anger?  
57) What do you do when you are angry?  
58) When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?  
59) When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise,  
how should the conflict get resolved?  
60) Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.  
61) What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?  
62) Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?  
63) Do you suffer from any chronic disease or condition?  
64) Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?  
65) What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?  
66) How do you support your own health and nutrition?  
67) What is you definition of wealth?  
68) How do you spend money?  
69) How do you save money?  
70) How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?  
71) Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?  
72) Do you use credit cards?  
73) Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?  
74) What are you expecting from your spouse financially?  
75) What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?  
76) Do you support the idea of a working wife?  
77) If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?  
78) Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?  
79) Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?  
80) Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?  
81) Do you want to have children? If not, how come?  
82) To the best of your understanding, are you able to have children?  
83) Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?  
84) Do you believe in abortion?  
85) Do you have children now?  
86) What is your relationship with your children now?  
87) What is your relationship with their other parent?  
88) What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?  
89) What is the best method(s) of raising children?  
90) What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?  
91) How were you raised?  
92) How were you disciplined?  
93) Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?  
94) Do you believe in public school for your children?  
95) Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?  
96) Do you believe in home schooling for your children?  
97) What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?  
98) Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or
country?  
99) What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?  
100) If there are members of my family that are not Muslim, that are of different race or culture,
what type of relationship do you want to have with them?  
 
 
Questions Women WISH they could really ask :
1. If u came home from work and there was no food and just a note that said 'salam honey i went
to the halaqa at the mosque' how would u feel?  
2. Are you pro PDA or anti PDA?  
3. How much of a mama's boy are u?  
4. Do you plan on changing me after marriage? If so, what aspects?  
5. What kind of gifts would u get your wife? If any?  
6. Are u unreasonably jealous?  
7. Are u into the traditional role of the wife?  
8. Would u be actively involved in raising the kids?  
9. Are u a compassionate, romantic, kind person?  
10. How many nights a week will u cook dinner?  
 
 
Men�s Questions
1) Can I see your room...particularly your bathroom?. (I.e. are you clean or a slob...)  
(2) Are you organized or scatterbrained? (My mom ranks this kind of question quite highly as she
says girls haveto be quite organized to run a household.)  
(3) (A real wierd one) Do you walk into the bathroom barefoot? (Another cleanliness question.--
barefootitis is so --urrr -- gross....)  
(4) Do you consider yourself smart or stupid or typical? (Some guys (like me) are so stupid that
they desperatelyneed someone intelligent to make up for their idiocy. But i guess a person who
said they were smart wouldprobably be full of themself......well i donno know....?)  
(5) Do you like sports? NFL? --Anybody who can watch 2 NFL games on sunday afternoon and
be eager to watch Monday Night Football on Monday has got to be a major league timewaster
and bum , but nevertheless a very coolgirl. And any girl who actually understands American
football is a genius....I mean I've been watching it since Iwas like 5....and I still don't really
understand it.  
(6) Are you clingy or independent? -- Independent people are soooo much cooler  
(7) What did you think of the Matrix (the first one)? -- The Matrix was the coolest movie ever.
Anybody not appreciating that is a bit odd  
(8) Are you an avid music fan? Music is a very dangerous thing (mostly) -- it has its uses -- but in
england we havethis phenom of hijabi sisters addicted to MTV which is kind of odd and
funny.....and not a very good thing  
(9) My Mum comes to stay....will you kick her out?  
(10) My Bro and sis crash at my place.....do you kick me out?  
(11) Like traveling? Arggggh --- i hate it. Girls who like traveling should sign up for the Peace
Corr  
(12) Will you spend all of my money and then kick me out after I run out of it?  
(13) What do you think of divorce? What probationary period will you give a guy before you
dump him? Twohours? 24 hours? 48 hours? 7 days? A month? 3 years?  
(14) Ever had a b-friend? (Touchy issue for some...)  
(15) Ever taken Prozac or similar stuff? (This Q is a killer)  
(16) Do you experience serious mood swings? (This is the really scary thing about girls.....why
can't girls be more like guys?)  
(17) How much money do you make if any? (Ok...this is a joke...but anybody who makes lots
more money than theguy is really cool....but then again they might.....like walk all over the guy all
the time........)  
(18) Do you like bathroom jokes? (I.e are you too serious?)  
(19) Religious type like questions....what do wanna do in life.....what is your purpose o life....stuff
like that....  
(20) Kids? (Argh....I'm too young to think about these things....)  
 
and lastly....  
 
(21) Ever been arrested for physical assault on a guy?  
 
When choosing a partner, there are numerous issues which may lead to friction and conflict.
Following the principle that prevention is better than cure, it seems wise to air these issues before
a match is finalized. Some of the issues may appear trivial or mundane, but the stuff of everyday
life is also the stuff of arguments! Other issues are more serious, and may be indicative of the
potential for a stormy and abusive marriage. Each marriage will have its ups and downs, but
settling some of these matters may avoid the emergence of major, insoluble problems and
consequent heartbreak.
These are all questions that may be asked directly or else "researched" by observation, asking his
relatives, members of the community, etc. The prospective bride may ask some of these questions
when the couple meet, but many women may feel too shy to ask outright. Family or friends can
also help with the research - in many Muslim countries, relatives of prospective partners often
visit to check the person out!
Asking/answering such questions is not gheebah or backbiting, and people should not hesitate to
tell the truth when it concerns a possible marriage; the intent is to establish whether these two
people are compatible. Avoiding a poor match will save all concerned from much heartache. At
the same time, whether the marriage proceeds or not, any information thus gathered should be
kept confidential - any "faults" uncovered should not be generally broadcast in the community!
These suggested questions are derived from two sources: an article entititled "Spousal Abuse and
its Prevention" by Br. Abdul Rehman in Islamic Sisters International, and the feedback I received
during a workshop I led on "Choosing a Marriage Partner" at the ISSRA Conference on Health
and Social Issues, Toronto, May 25, 1996.
                        The Big Issues:
(1) What makes him angry and how does he deal with his anger?
Does he blame everybody but himself?
Does he stop talking to the person involved?
Does he bear grudges ("I'll get him back one day!")
Has he ever physically or mentally abused anyone with whom he was angry?
Does he get angry when those who may be wiser disagree or suggest an alternative point of view?
Does he ever forgive those with whom he was angry?
(2) How does he behave during a crisis?
Does he blame everyone except himself?
Does he become hostile towards an uninvolved member of an ethnic group which is known to
abuse followers of Islam?
What steps does he take to face and deal with pressure?
Does he remain optimistic that things will get better, and that after every difficulty comes ease?
(3) How does he feel about women's rights in a Muslim home?
Did he ever observe abuse from his father towards his mother?
Did he ever act to prevent abuse at home? How?
Did he believe that his father was always right?
Does he believe that all women deserve abuse?
How does he make decisions? Does he rely on his own wisdom? Does he consult with close
friends?
Will he be willing to consult with his spouse on any decision?  
Does he stick firmly to his decisions?
(4) How does he deal with money matters?
Does he save his money for the future?
Does he give money to charities?
When he decides to buy something, will he consult his spouse in making the decision?
How does he describe his own spending and attitude towards money?
(5) What does he expect from his wife and children?
How would he react if his expectations are not met?
What is his vision of family life?
Would he pitch in and co-operate in family chores and the upbringing of children?
Would he be willing to change to accommodate your views?
(6) What are his family like?
Are his family religious, or will you be the only one in hijab?
Does their approach to Islam differ from yours - will you be the only "fundamentalists" in a family
whose Islam is more "traditional"?
If this is a mixed match, are his folks open to outsiders, or will you face clannishness and
exclusion?
(7) What is his medical background?  
(Many Imams in the US are now refusing to conduct Nikah until they see proof that the couple
have undergone blood tests and been given a clean bill of health)
Has he ever had an AIDS test, and what was the result?
Is there any history of major illness in his family?
(8) What are his views on education of women and children?
Will he allow you to continue and/or return to education?
What are his views on education and schooling of children? If you have strong views on Islamic
schools, home schooling, etc., find out if his views coincide with yours.
Will he take part in the children's upbringing and education? Will he teach them Qur'an?
(9) Where does he want to live?
Does he want to settle in the country where you now live?
Does he want to return to his homeland? Does he want to move to a new country altogether?
Will the family have to move frequently because of his profession?
Will he take your feelings into account when deciding where to live?
Does he aspire to a large and luxurious home, or will he settle for less? Does he want to live in the
heart of the city, in the suburbs, or in an isolated rural setting?
                       Day-to-day matters
Some of these are individual preferences - what may deeply concern some may not even be an
issue to others, but if you have some strong feelings on a matter, it is better to get it out into the
open before you make a commitment:
(1) Food:
Do you agree on the "halal meat" issue - some people will only eat halal-slaughtered meat, whilst
others will eat any "meat of the Jews and Christians" as long as it's not pork.
Does he insist on only eating the food of his own ethnic group, or are his tastes more eclectic?
Will he insist on having every meal cooked from scratch, or will you be able to have convenience
food or take-away on busy days?
Does he have some strong preferences for meat, or will you "go vegetarian" some days?
(2) Smoking:
Does he smoke? Do any of his family or friends smoke? Will he let people smoke in your non-
smoking home?
(3) Going Out:
How does he feel about women going outside the home? studying outside? working outside?
Will he want to "check out" your friends and only let you visit those of whom he approves?
How does he feel about women driving?
(4) Pets:
Are either of you very keen to keep pets at home?
Do either of you have any allergies, dislikes, or phobias when it comes to animals?

                                          ************

Hope someone can find this helpful, or if not, at least interesting!

Peace, ummziba.

Hi Angel,

This list could be good for non-Muslims who date as well (with some adaptations).  Even people who date for a long time, or even live together, don't get around to the important questions until after they marry - then it's too late!   We know this to be true - look at the divorce rate in 'western' countries!

Peace, ummziba.

that was a long list....and there's me thinking what can I ask?

Assalamu alaikum all,

Thanks for the comments so far.  As I "copied" the article I had no control over the way it is put together, so everyone's added comments and questions for the list are helpful.

I wanted to post this because it seems so many sisters come here (and other forums) asking for help in their marriage (he drinks, he hits me, he's sleeping around, his mother rules him, I am a slave in my own home, he won't allow me to work...and on and on).  It is just so sad. 

If we could only get across to the sisters (and brothers) how important it is to "do your homework" before agreeing to marry someone!!!!  Dating or living together is no guarantee of getting to know the "real" person, especially when the tough questions never get asked.  (Not to mention it would be a sin for Muslims!)

Our Islamic way of getting to know one another in the sight (and safety) of a mahram (or two or fifty-two!!!) is just so ideal if we (sisters and brothers) would only use the opportunity to ask the real tough and important questions.  This would save so many people so much grief.

We insist on all kinds of information and background details when choosing a new car, a place of education, a career and so on, why not when choosing a spouse!

Those of you who are considering marriage, or those of you with marriagable-age children, use this good advice and pass it on to others!  Love is not the important thing, that will grow over time in a respectful relationship, insha'allah, it is the character of the person and their suitability to each others personality that will ultimately affect the marriage - we need to get that message out there.  Far too many sisters (and some brothers) end up in horrible situations by marrying someone they knew little to nothing about!

Peace, ummziba.