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Old Flames, What To Do?

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ahanim View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote ahanim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Old Flames, What To Do?
    Posted: 14 February 2014 at 12:30am
Salam,

you married your wife. This is the way you have to go now.
Following another relationship is unhealthy and you dishonor your wife.
You should stop communications with that other woman and start studying the qur' an.

Studying the qur'an is an opportunity for your benefit.
You should pray for a good life for everyone, but you have to let go of your
unlawful relationship. What would you think if your wife did the same to you?

Sure multiple marriage is an option in other countries. In the US this is also an option
as the Mormons prove:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mormonism_and_polygamy

But you have to think about your wife. She is not even a Muslim yet.
Before looking for more women in your household, make sure your household is an islamic household. Convince your wife that Islam is the right way by setting an example as a good muslim. If your wife converts Allah might grant you a way to your wishes. But you have to break off the contact to the other woman now. If Allah sees this way fit for you he might help you, but do not start this yourself! Brother, you would condemn yourself for eternity. Please do not approach that other woman again.

You can only participate in a healthy islamic relationship if you follow the qur'an, your approach is corrupt, and until you stop this unhealthy relationship your prayers won't be heard.











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lady View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote lady Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2011 at 9:34pm
Chrystalis. I completely agree with what you have mentioned in these last two post.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Chrysalis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2011 at 6:53pm
Originally posted by John Mohammad John Mohammad wrote:

I very much understand the concept of love following marriage in the case of an arranged marriage, where the man and woman may or may not have even laid eyes on the other in any circumstances.

What I don't understand, though, is how this applies to a marriage of choice. Assuming we are talking about two adults in circumstances where they are both able to make their own choices, why would the notion of marriage even be entertained if there weren't some sort of attraction? My view may be a result of being raised in America, but one doesn't just decide "I'm going to marry" and then just pick a mate at random!
 
I'm not meaning to be argumentative, and I completely understand the concept of love following marriage- in certain situations. As I noted in my original post, I'm a new Muslim and I'm trying to make practical sense out of Islamic teachings vs. practical aplications in situations I admittedly may never find myself in. In this case, I am trying to sort out my own situation, and as I know I'll be asked about this sort of thing at some point I want to get my 'ducks in a row' before providing untrue or misleading information.


Hello John.

It is perfectly natural to want to be attracted to your potential mate and 'choose' your spouse. It is entirely up to the individual how long they want to get to know their potential spouse and develop an attraction (within limits prescribed). We can tell from history of the companions of Prophet Muhammad that there was an element of 'attraction' or 'wanting to marry a certain somebody'. E.g. a non-muslim sent a proposal to a muslim lady because he wanted to marry her. But she refused saying that he was a non-muslim and so she couldn't... but if he accepted Islam, she would marry him. So he converted to Islam and they got married! (I am assuming that he obviously liked her enough to convert for her.... ) So Islam does not at all discourage a healthy 'romance' (if I may say so) of sorts. But it has to be relevant to your situation right!

However your case is completely different, you talk as if somebody is forcing you into an arranged marriage. The above discussion does not apply to you because you already have a spouse. And I assume you went through the whole phase of courtship and attraction and hopefully 'love' with her - did you not? Your current wife IS of your choosing. And if you were a single muslim looking for a spouse all the above aspects would apply to you  most definitely. Your situation is different.

It is you trying to somehow find a way to justify your situation and find a way out. Brother, Allah does give you ways out if you are fed up with your marriage, etc. Allah also gives you the right to choose & select your spouse to your pleasing. But within reason... You mentioned that your current marriage is fine and there are no issues with your current wife... it would be unfair and st**id to possible destroy an active relationship for something you supposedly think is 'better'.

Yes there is an allowance for more than wife in Islam brother, but it should be situationally relevant, and beneficial for society. I don't think Allah allowed plural  marriages so men could legalise affairs. There would be no end to that... 'Secret marriages' are not exactly beneficial for the society.

I suppose you think we are harsh and 'not getting you'... but I think you need people to shake you a bit and bring you back to reality. You are in a 'me' bubble right now, only thinking about you and her and you imaginary perfect future life. Be real. I hope you take our adivse/comments/opinions positively.







"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Chrysalis Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2011 at 6:05pm
John, you do realise that if you go ahead with a 2nd marriage, or harbour notions of one - how would your wife feel & react? If I were her, I would probably blame Islam and 'those muslims' for brainwashing you and stealing you away. You converting to Islam is already a big enough change for her, let alone having to share her husband with another. Think objectively for a second. Would you want to be the source of misunderstanding / antagonizing your wife towards Islam? Put yourself in her shoes... A muslim is supposed to bring goodness around him/her. Do your plans for a 2nd fit into that?

Lets not go into whether it is an infatuation or actual love . . . .whatever it is. . . . it is a Jihad "struggle" for you. Each one of us has our own struggles & Jihads in life. Maybe this is yours? Your 'nafs' (desires) versus the 'right thing to do'. We all talk about ethics and honour and integrity - which is all fine in theory... but when it comes to real life, do we recognize the circumstances when WE have to implement it? This is your chance.

Ofcourse it is going to hurt. Ofcourse it will be painful. That is why Allah told us to observe 'Hijab' (i.e. a barrier) in the first place. Perhaps you may never even forget her...  but atleast you'll have saved yourself and been honorable. I suggest you tell her that the whole Islamically ethical part of this online relationship is bothering you & say goodbye. Pray to Allah, seek His guidance and help. Focus on builing Imaan. Work on your marriage. Thats what a good muslim would do... fight the nafs. May Allah help you...







"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Samijee89 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2011 at 4:42pm
A step such as this I would ask you to consult your imam and after, perform istikhara if you are sure this is Allahs will.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2011 at 6:54am
John there is a big difference between attraction and romantic love, or in your case, in my estimation, infatuation.  In Islam, prior to marriage, the man is encouraged to look at the woman.  She should be pleasing to his eye.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote John Mohammad Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 January 2011 at 12:13am

I very much understand the concept of love following marriage in the case of an arranged marriage, where the man and woman may or may not have even laid eyes on the other in any circumstances.

What I don't understand, though, is how this applies to a marriage of choice. Assuming we are talking about two adults in circumstances where they are both able to make their own choices, why would the notion of marriage even be entertained if there weren't some sort of attraction? My view may be a result of being raised in America, but one doesn't just decide "I'm going to marry" and then just pick a mate at random! Why would anyone pick a husband or wife based solely on their business repuation, or their wealth, or social standing without having some sort of attraction to that person? If that were the case it seems to me we'd never get anywhere with people scrambling to marry above their standard of living and rejecting anyone who didn't advance their personal and/or economic agenda. Say a very wealthy man is sent a message from one of his employees, saying she is interested in marrying him- his reaction? After asking "Why?" then we get into the question of why he would marry someone of essentially a 'lower rank' than himself. Unless he decides to take her on for personal reasons- out of charity, or for purposes of mating, or whatnot- there would be no reason at all to even entertain such an idea, as it would be clear- under your example- that she is simply 'gold-digging' trying to improve her station. No man, unless he's a vain individual, is going to marry a woman simply because she's impressed by his wealth! This is not even taking into account the fact that he may not have even seen her, if she is veiled or in a full-up burqa (this may be taking to the extreme, but you see my point). Again, if it's an arranged marriage all this goes out the window, but it's an entirely different ball game in the case of a marriage of choice.
 
I'm not meaning to be argumentative, and I completely understand the concept of love following marriage- in certain situations. As I noted in my original post, I'm a new Muslim and I'm trying to make practical sense out of Islamic teachings vs. practical aplications in situations I admittedly may never find myself in. In this case, I am trying to sort out my own situation, and as I know I'll be asked about this sort of thing at some point I want to get my 'ducks in a row' before providing untrue or misleading information.


Edited by John Mohammad - 16 January 2011 at 12:21am
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abuayisha View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote abuayisha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 January 2011 at 8:20am
John, generally speaking, the notion of romantic love is in fact a result of illegal contact.  In Islam it is Allah who puts love between the hearts once the individuals are legally joined in marriage. 

Edited by abuayisha - 15 January 2011 at 8:20am
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