Trying to Love God

 

I am having a bit of a crises.

 

Without going into the details of my lifelong hardships (everyone has them), my love for God has diminished considerably.

 

The most peculiar aspect of this is how I become angry and full of hate when God helps me or gives me a sign to help me.

 

Maybe an illustration will help. If someone is being tortured for decades, to the breaking point, and at that point, the torturer stops and gives a bit of relief and maybe even a bit of love, that isolated incident would arouse anger, mistrust and loathing in the victim - who might feel that the giving and taking of pain, at the torturer's will, is unfair and the torturer should not deserve love.

 

This is an extreme example, because I know God loves me 70 times more than my mother and he certainly has not only given me torture but good times as well. However, yes, I do feel like I cannot love him anymore although that won't effect my prayers or belief.