My Mother

Many of you have seen me use my mother in various examples when I'm explaining somthing, some of you have used this against me in order to make a point. Regardless, my mother is probably one of the most central figures in my life. As a young child growing up, I've seen a lot of what she did and what she went through. I remember growing up seeing her not only manage a resturant, but also a career in nursing. I've not only have seen her take men who were below scum and have turned them into career nurses! I believe its important to talk about my mother because there are not many women are glamorized in our patriarchal society.

My mother was a hard worker, because that is all she knew. She has also came a long way as a young child into an adult. She once told me that she robbed a store (while my older brother, a baby at the time in the getaway car) and used to smoke and drink a lot. Eventually converting to the Nation of Islam she disciplined herself and became a strong black woman. At the time she was growing up she was strengthen through the teachings of the N.O.I. and eventually enpowered herself to go back to school and go towards a career in nursing. My mother, without any man's support eventually got her license as a nurse and became a Registered Nurse for over 10 years.

She made good money had a good lifestyle and was in good condition. she remarried and eventually we moved from our old house in California to Tucson Arizona just south of Phoenix. About 6 years in and graduated from high school my mother contracted breast cancer and eventually she wanted to move back to California after her treatments. At that time the cancer was thought to be in remission but unfrotunately due to hardship she couldn't get the pills which keep cancerous cells from forming. She later divorced and we moved back to California where eventually the cancer spread and I had to take care of her. This disease perhaps was at its best and mostly aggressive because it was only a year when she eventually passed.

I quite vividly remember her passing like I remember a sunny day in which children play in the playground. While working I remember getting the call from my brother who summoned me to go to the hospice care center where my mother was staying at. When I arrived the worse was a reality for me. I seen my mother the once beautiful woman who glowed everytime she looked at you twisted into a frail human being. Her eyes rolled in the back of her head she each time she breathed gasp for air. The cancer went from her breast through the lungs and into her brain. Of course the doctor told us this would be an inevitibility but it was still a fresh shock to me and my family.

Spending hours in the hospice care it appeared at the time that, this is how she would be ending her life and at the time I couldn't stand it. Eventually my family wanted me to leave and others would stay with her, but that wouldn't be the case. About an hour later her gasping began to be more intense. She was gone, her soul ready to depart and we sought a nurse to relax her breathing. I could tell at the time she was still conscious in the sense of subconscious awareness because she didn't liek to be hugged. It seemed at that time we she subconsciously preparing herself to go. My uncle whispering to himself "Just let go." My aunts, uncles, my brother in-laws and myself all had tears streaming.

When the nurse came in she had a needle which contained morphene, to me that was the drug that ended both pain and lives. Not even a minute after my mother was given the shot her breathing relaxed. For a moment I though this would be ok and she would be relaxed but that wan't the case. I remember seeing my brother lean over and whispered into her ear til this day I don't know what he said to her. When he left the machine was running and we were all praying for her. My brother came in with the nurse and he (my brother) turned and hug me and told me in my ear "she is gone." At that moment all what I've experienced as a child up to adulthood wne t flashing right before me. It was a shock. I was in shock and all I could think was my mother is gone.

I was angry at myself because I felt that I didn't give her my best and all I could think was the arguments that I got into when she was getting more sick. Eventually there came the arrangements and eventually the funeral where joy and saddness was the reality. My mother was very spiritual and very religious. She totally was a devoted Christian woman who believed in helping people, truly. She was also a philosopher in her own right who believed in the plurality of religions and in their similarities. She devoted herself to God and at certain moments I can remember were embarassing. But the lasting impression I had of her was her devotion to God. It maybe different in the sense of how I devote myself to God but the same nonetheless. She was a pious woman, a good human being who lived and died as one. The only thing I'm saddened was that she never lived long enough to have a man who respected her.

I think this is why I strive to be a good person is because of that reality. I wish that my mother had a good respectable man along with her good life as a nurse. I wish she didn't stress about her house and her business. I wish she didn't stress about whether he husband at the time was drinking or if he would come home. One of the realities I know now is that, that is not a problem. Deep down in my own illusion I belieev she is blessed and will be of the pious ones in paraidse. Another part of me is unsure. Regardless she is one human I can say deserves a peace where all of what she didn't have, she can get 10 fold Insha'llah.

Assalamu alaikum,

Brother Israfil, I agree with Sister Jenni that you were extremely blessed to have had a mother like that.  I think this may be the verse she was refering to:

"Verily, those who have attained to faith [in this divine writ], as well as those who follow the Jewish faith, and the Christians, and the Sabians - all who believe in God and the Last Day and do righteous deeds - shall have their reward with their Sustainer; and no fear need they have, and neither shall they grieve."  Qur'an 2:62 (M. Asad translation)

Surely Allah the Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful will Judge us all by our own merits!

Peace, ummziba.